BPDFamily.com

This is my first post, so I’m not sure if I’m doing it right, but I have a person in my life with severe BPD. We dated for a few months, years ago, but have just been friends ever since. She is estranged from her entire family and I’m about the only person in the world who hasn’t abandoned her. Deep down she’s a loving person, but when she’s not well, she is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. When ever I try to set boundaries, like, “I will walk away when you start hitting me” she  tells me that I’m making her want to kill herself. She’s made 2 suicide attempts in the last 5 years, and so I don’t know what to do. I had to move to a new city for work and she’s come with me. But our relationship has been deteriorating for months, to the point where I can’t find any time I can talk to her when she’s doesn’t fly into a rage. She’s currently threatening to leave, I don’t know where to, but I’m scared that she won’t make it if she’s on her own.
Should I let her go, since I feel like I’m doing more harm than good for her at this point, do I beg her to stay, and give in to everything she wants and has been putting me through, or do I try to get her to stay while trying to  set boundaries I can live with (which has never worked in the past). I’m at a loss.

*welcome*

You are doing it right!  |iiii  We're sorry for the tough situation you're in, but are glad you've found us.

Can you tell us a little more about the relationship?  How frequently do you see each other?  Can you tell us more about the hitting?  That part is very concerning.  It'll help if you can describe a recent situation where that happened.

RC

I just posted something similar about my relationship and I am at a loss at what to do as well.  My girlfriend is also estranged from her family and I am the most stable person in her life; I struggle with setting boundaries with her as well because of the reaction.  I have tried ultimatums like until you get help and start seeing a therapist, I won't talk to you.  But she will get her foot in the door by saying that she needs help paying for the therapist, that she contacted one, only to find out that it was not 100 percent true.  When she is raging at me, I usually give it a day or so, then I tell her, "I have been worried about you the last few days, is everything ok?"  For some reason, that sentence snaps her out of it and she becomes loving again and we can talk like adults.  I wish that I could be more help, but I am struggling with the exact same thing as you.

Hi Leftright:
Welcome!
I'm sorry about your difficult situation with your friend.  
 If you become aware of an immediate & possibly credible suicide threat, you need to call police so they can do a welfare check and possibly put her on a psychiatric hold.

Has she had therapy, meds, in-patient care, etc., after her suicide attempts?

Some people use suicide threats as a form of manipulation, by saying things like, "if you do or don't do certain things they want, that they will commit suicide".   Be careful to NOT get caught up in that particular manipulation.

You can encourage someone to get professional help (therapy, meds, etc.), but you can't make them get help.  You can't fix them.  
Unfortunately, when some people won't or can't take their mental health problems seriously & make an earnest effort to deal with their problems, emotionally healthy people will set and enforce boundaries that might sound like abandonment to some who don't know the true story (from their prospective).  You don't know what you don't know about situations with her family.  If you go to the board for those with parents & siblings with BPD (or strong BPD traits), or the board for those with children with BPD, you will read about people who have had to either limit contact or go no contact with the person in their life with BPD.  

What's your definition of "best friend"?  Is it a healthy definition?

For me, a "best friend" is someone with whom you have a mutually beneficial relationship.  You have mutual respect and one can turn to the other during times of need.  It isn't a one-way street & it isn't a case where one person repeatedly rescues the other.

Only you can decide what's best for you.  No one can be responsible for rescuing another, especially if they won't recognize and deal with their mental health issues.  

Everyone needs boundaries.  Boundaries are things that you have control over and have to personally enforce.  They aren't something that you get others to buy into or can expect them to honor.  

i.e. If she is verbally abusive to you, you have no power to make her stop.  What you do have power over is to terminate a phone call, leave her presence, etc., when she becomes abusive. You merely announce something like, "I can tell you are having a bad day,  I'll let you go now (or leave now).  We can talk/or I'll see you at a later time"

When she is in an abusive state, you do need to be careful, as some people with BPD will make false reports to police of physical abuse to them.