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we broke up again back in june. after that she would contact me by text, and phone calls try reconcile. This has been ongoing saga for over 3 years. One time I actuly stayed away for 8 month even though about every few weeks she would text or call. but after our convesations the other night she said was going to start dating other people. I got angry and hung up on her. We havent spoken a word since. we have been down this road before, many times. so many ive lost count. But as of today I have to move forwrad with my life. But even  thoughour recycle was very short this time I feel like its almost just like the first again. Its very weird. Is is cause I beleive it really over this time? or what, I am very confused by my own feelings of how come I feel so empty and sad this time.

Hi Well, it's because you loved her, like I loved mine, despite all the raging, and splitting, and control. Despite all of that.  No matter how badly she treated you , we miss them.  It's natural.  

But because we loved them so much doesn't mean that's a sign we should go back.  I know probably most  of your friends and family would not understand why your heart aches for this she devil, this tormentor of your very soul, the one you gave everything for.  

But most if not all understand it all to well on this site.

Unfortunately, like me, it hurts, and hurts badly, but... .It does get better.  Yes, I been through her several break ups, and wanting me back, the tears and strong emotions on both sides.

This creates chemicals reactions within your own mind, and body that bind us even closer (the push and pull) and makes it all so hard.  

Talk to friends a bit, get some counseling if you can, and read books about what a true love is about and maybe a lot more reading on this site.  We are in tormoil and weirdly enough, we hate it but like it, and it (and that person) makes us feel ALIVE, and when they go, we feel completely empty.  

It will get better, I promise.  Try to stay N/C, its hard, but worth it.  It's for you, no matter how kind you think she can become, its for you!

Hi Mitchell,

Obviously you had hope that the relationship would eventually last or you would not have put yourself through so much by continuing to try.  And yeah, it probably is because you've reached the conclusion that no amount of love is going to fix this.  It hurts, and it's painful to have to accept that you are going to have to let this person go.  When there is loss of hope then we must face reality, and the reality is that  it's never going to work.

It took me 22 years to face that reality.  I even held out hope that maybe we could somehow be in each others lives, but as we got closer while attempting to do even that, all the "craziness" started up again and the next thing I knew we were saying goodbye forever.

Saying goodbye doesn't mean you don't love her, and it doesn't mean that she doesn't love you (in her limited way), it just means you don't want to keep doing this to each other.  And accepting it and letting it go does leave a big emptiness, but as you move forward that space will start to be filled with other things and it won't feel the way it does right now.

I hope you feel better soon.  

Just keep moving forward, no matter what!  Just. Keep. Moving... .

CiF

Mitchell, like you, my ex and I recycled many times. It hurt each time, but never felt as empty and sad as the final breakup. That was when I knew for sure she was gone and not coming back, and that I would be staying away and not going back, or letting her back in without big changes on her part. It wasn't until I knew for sure that I was really letting go that the full effect of this hit me. Maybe that's what you're going through? Knowing you are really stepping away now? If so, believe in yourself and your decision. It might not be the choice you want to make, but if it's the best one, it will be good for you to follow through. Letting go is hard but leads to peace if you look for it.

I thought I was really done, felt the low of all lows, the loss of hope, all of it.  Im an intelligent person, sensitive, giving, caring, and I fell for the words.  In fact, there were new buzz words that made it sound like the X had had therapy or some type of counseling. 

I suppose all of us here in this place possess similar characteristics, it's why we feel bonded over these relationships.

Mitchell you're going to be alright, it may not feel like it right now, but you will be.  It's soon to be 4 years that I met my X pwBPD, 2 1/2 years since the break up/recycle mode started.

You will be alright, it's a process, an individual one, no right or wrong way to be, no right or wrong number of times to recycle or try again, we are human, flawed humans and that is ok... .hang in there.

CiF

Ive started working out again today. this is a really essential move for my recovery - before i met my uBPDex, i was fit and healthy and active. she slowly discouraged me from excercising saying it made me boring, and shed rather spend time with me - i think the real reason was that she didnt want me to improve myself, to make it easier to control and retain me as required. she encouraged a bad diet and drinking habits and the breakup meant i started smoking again. i also saw a therapist at the time we met, from time to time and she told me i didnt need to do that, she would be my therapist :D I fell for all this manipulation im afraid.

getting healthy again is so important to me now - for my own self esteem mostly, i want to become the person i want to be and can be proud of, and that includes respect for my body. someone who doesnt need validation from people who have no interest in my feelings or needs. also, the endorphins do wonders for the depression i feel after the hell of our relationship and breakup.

the last break up where it lasted 8 months that what I had started doing, working out, I got a second job that helped me dig out of a finacial hole taht dating my BPD got me in. she didnt require me to give he rmoney or pay her bills but she didnt like to take lots of trips, eat out etc... which did eat up alot of money. That was not her fault I went along on it so I cant complain there. This time Im having trouble gettting started and thats why Im having a hard time with it all this go around.

Today I tried to think of any time in our 2 year relationship when she showed concern for my feelings. I genuinely cannot think of one occasion.

Not sure how it took me this long to notice that! But realizing it is one more step forward.

camuse, yes that was hard one for me. I took care or her house, listen to her about problems at work, stayed with ehr thru surgeries and a family members death. I never and I mean never got the same in return at all. after 3 years I know I never will.