BPDFamily.com

My ex boyfriend is BPD, bipolar and ADHD

So I'm going through a really hard time right now because my boyfriend broke up with me today.

We've had a really rocky relationship. We met about a year and a half ago and for about 8 months he would go back and forth. He would like me for a couple of days or weeks. He would kiss me and hug me and do all of that stuff, and then suddenly he would say that I made him do that and he only did it because he thought I wanted him to. So, he would say he doesn't want romantic feelings and just wants to be friends because he wants to date other people and party. I went along with this and stayed his friend. Then the cycle would begin again. He would be affectionate but then after a couple of days/weeks would say I wasn't attractive to him and that he just wanted to be my friend.

Five months ago we started talking again and became official boyfriend/girlfriend two months after that.

A week later he took too much provigil (?) and had a big coffee and said he forgot to take his depakote so he went manic and cheated on me with is ex. After five hours he called telling me this elaborate lie, but then later on in the day he confessed he had cheated.

I took him back because I thought he made a mistake, it was a one night stand and he was manic.

Things were good for about 2 months except for trust issues i was trying to get over.

Then he started outpatient care and then got hospitalized to get his meds straightened out.

He's been in there for two weeks and getting out tomorrow.

Its been hard for me and him that he's in there and the past three days he was acting strange

Today he told me he lied about loving me to just keep me around and he kissed me, bought me 2 expensive teddy bears and cuddled with me and did everything with me because he thought thats what i wanted him to do... .when three days ago i was his love and he only had eyes for me?... .then he said i'm either his friend again or nothing.

I told him I couldn't take this anymore because its been a rollercoaster and then he proceeded to kick me out of his room without a tear.

I'm just so confused, I can't believe he never loved me... .but he's supposed to be stable now so what if he did lie to me about loving me as more than a friend. I'm just drained and want some clarification which he can't give me.

He says he's a horrible person and he's no good for me!

 *welcome*

It sounds like he is having a very difficult time emotionally. Hopefully he can get proper medical help and begin feeling a better. It probably isn't a great idea to try and have a romantic relationship with him during this time. Maybe give him some space to see if he can get his life back in control? He is just getting out of the hospital. Considering how dysregulated he has been he probably has great difficulty understanding his own emotions. How are you?

Hi cookiedough, and  *welcome*

You've come to the right place! I for one, certainly understand what you are going through. My soon to be ex husband is bipolar (with psychotic features), ASPD and NPD. We lived together for almost 2 years and then got married 16 years ago. We just seperated less than 3 weeks ago.

The roller cosater is exhausting and demoralizing. I'm sorry your are going through this. But you have lots of friends here on bpdfamily.com's waiting to help you get through this! We also have lots of articles, videos, and workshops that really help too.

Are you in any kind of counseling? Tell us more about your story so we know how to support you through this tough time.

doubleAries

 
In this part he is absolutely right... .

Stay away from him.

I know it´s not easy, but there are people out there who would never lie to you or cheat on you.

That´s the kind of person you should be with.

Its so hard though. I feel like I'm breaking even though he's the one in the mental hospital.

I guess I just couldn't believe that all this time it was all a lie. It all seemed so real.

And he's done this before so I don't know

I really don't think i ever want to talk to him again but i've said that before.

I can't even imagine him sleeping around again or dating other girls.

I wasn't going to put myself through being his "friend" when in the past we would hang out every day even as just "friends".

I know that he is but i feel like he played me. I mean I want to believe its the BPD/bipolar confusion talking because I can't believe that after all that time where it seemed like he did love me in that way he was just lying. It's really hard because at this point i'm so angry that i don't want to talk to him.

No I'm not in counseling. I feel like i should be though, I just don't think I have the money right now.

It's just so hurtful because I felt like what we had was real and then in one day he changes his mind.

My confidence is way down and I just don't know what to think.

It is understandable you don't want to talk to him. I wouldn't want to either. You can't tell what is real and what isn't. How could you? He is so bad right now he wound up hospitalized for weeks! He has a lot of health issues to deal with. I know it hurts but isn't it best to give the relationship space so he can work on his mental health? This is his stuff to own and deal with it. You aren't responsible for it. Here is a forum to post on. A good place to talk  to others going through the same issues.

[L2] Undecided: Staying or Leaving (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=2.0)

I know you are hurting now but what are you doing to try and feel better? Do you have more stable relationships? Family? Friends? Are you eating well and exercising? What goals in your life are you working on right now? It is easy to let your feelings take over and become so focused on a difficult relationship that we stop taking proper care of ourselves and this just makes us feel worse. 

Hope you feel better soon. 

Thanks OTH your are right. Its really hard. I keep on going from missing him to not caring at all.

I don't even know what to think anymore. This happened before and I can't deal with it in the future.

I'm just sad that out of nowhere he decided he was lying to me when two days before he said he loved me.

I wanted to help him sort his issues out but he didn't want me there with him.

I'll try to focus on other things like work and reading and going out... .maybe because right now all i want to do is sit home and sleep.

You probably won't get the answers you seek. I went through 23 years with a pwBPD, got divorced, got therapy, and hung out on this board for years already. Add to that countless hours of reading about the topic. Many questions were answered but many remain, and I am pretty certain now they never will. I am just letting time heal the hurts and wait for the day when thinking of her and BPD and everything else that goes with it will become a very rare event.

Yeah I know you're right it just hurts because this happened before but i never loved him when it happened before. I just miss when we were ok and that was only 3 days ago! It's crazy how someone can be affectionate and then kick you out of their room because there is nothing more to say. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. 

cookiedough--the others are right. You need to take care of yourself.

I do know how hard this is. For 18 years I tried to make logical sense out my husbands behavior. But he's mentally ill. That's the point--he's not making logical sense. He's as confused as you are. It's not likely he's doing this to you on purpose. People with mental illness and especially BPD mean what they say--at the moment they say it. 10 minutes later, they feel differently and they mean that. But you are allowing yourself to get caught in the tidal wave.

OTH posted a link to the "undecided" board. Click on that link and at the top you'll see a blue tab that says "new topic" click on that and write your story. Others on that board are going through very, very similar things to you and you can talk with them, get support, vent, learn. It helps a great deal.

Meanwhile, you are totally focused on your boyfriend. He's in a place where he's getting some help right now. You need to reach out for the same thing for yourself. Here's an article that may really help: Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts  (https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles12.htm)  I also found this article really helpful: Falling in Love with an Unavailable Person (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a117.htm)

look forward to seeing your first post on the undecided board!

doubleAries

 *welcome* cookiedough,

Sorry you're hurting... .it's not fair to be so mangled up in their disordered behavior. The others are right, you may never get all the answers and you should take this opportunity to focus on yourself. OTH sent you some really good links to check out. We're here for you... .

It is OK to love him and be apart. Especially if he needs to work on his own issues. You have to love yourself too. Do good things for yourself so you are in a good place to give love back when those close to you are open to it. He isn't right now. He spent two weeks in the hospital trying to get to a better place. Give it time and see where he ends up. Give yourself a break. I can see you are confused and hurting too. There is a quote from way back yonder I love... .

“One of my sayings is: Always tend your garden. If you don't you will have nothing truly yummy to offer. When you find yourself offering the seeds of your garden to someone else to eat. You better stop pretty quickly or you will soon have two people starving.” ~Traveler

Take care of yourself. It's important.  

Yeah I know but I'm trying not to love him and not to think of all the good times we had or how he said he loved me and then all of a sudden it was all a lie. It really hurts but I have to go forward thinking we are over forever and are never talking again because to him it seemed that way. He wanted to keep me around but I've been down that road before and the cycle always repeats. I will try to focus on myself and try to stop thinking about why he said what he said or did what he did. Thanks for the quote it's nice : ).

I will try to focus on myself even though its hard : ( . Hug : )

 *welcome*

What you've experienced in that confusing push/pull relationship is certainly confusing and distressing.  However, as you learn more about these serious acting-out disorders such as BPD you will find that you'll be able to make more informed and more confident decisions.  Right now, make cautious decisions and you sort things out.

You're caught up in the "FOG" of the dysfunction.  So look at yourself, him and the emotions of the relationship.  Where you see the Fear, Obligation and Guilt, be sure to tread carefully.  You certainly don't want to get back on that roller coaster.  It was slowly destroying you.


"Stable" - in what way?  Stable enough for release from the hospital?  Apparently so - until the next time.  Stable enough to have a healthy relationship?  Sorry, the answer is a firm and definite NO!  Maybe some day he might be stable enough for a close relationship, but not now, and certainly not this quickly.  A few weeks adjusting meds is not going to change his thinking and perceptions.  Maybe the meds will help his Bi-polar, but it would only slightly moderate his PD.  For long term recovery from this PD he needs intensive therapy with an experienced professional, needs to apply it diligently in his life and stick with it for years.  Do you really, really believe that a few weeks of hospitalization - probably not the first, more likely just the latest hospitalization - will "fix" his life-long issues?

Sadly, you can't "fix" him.  First, you're too close emotionally for him to get past the emotional baggage of the relationship, that's why an emotionally neutral trained professional is his best hope.  Second, you have no idea whether he will ever recover sufficiently to have a healthy, stable and functional relationship.

Meanwhile, avoid the risk of having a child with him unless he makes significant and solid progress toward long term recovery.  Though children are wonderful blessings, having a child with a mentally ill person just makes the relationship even more complicated and dysfunctional, makes ending a relationship vastly more complicated as well, and subjects a child to a life of living with confusing and invalidating perceptions and behaviors.  Think how hard it has been on you - and you're an adult - and ponder how hard it would be for small children who wouldn't have any prior idea of what ought to be normal life.

I think I just completely let him go. I brought back all of his stuff the teddy bears the cd's he made me... .he asked me if I wanted to keep the teddy bear but i didn't want it. I told him we would never speak again... .because I was really mad and I still am.

Sometimes I miss him and sometimes I'm glad i can finally take care of myself.

I couldn't stay as just a friend yet again.

I hope he can get fixed but I don't know if we will ever talk again. But this has happened so many times before.

I do love him but I'm almost afraid that he'll call me 3 weeks from now and I'll get pulled back in.

I wanted things to stay the way they were with him loving me "in that way" but its so frustrating that he can change his feelings in an instant... or in his case he was lying the whole time... but his actions don't say that.

I'm really disconnected from him right now because it almost seems like a dream. Yet I don't have anything to remember him by no pictures, because I erased them no messages and no old sweaters. I can't believe this is happening again 5 days ago it was so different.

I'm only 20 years old and I was thinking today I'm glad that I didn't get pregnant with his kid because now we're not together anymore... .it all seems surreal.

But I'm working more and trying to spend time with my family.

Thank you, you seem to know what you are talking about.

This is a reality we have to accept.  Due to the risk of being sucked back into the chaotic and invalidating environment, we have to Let Go and Move On.  We won't even find closure with our ex because that response too would likely be fickle, depending on ex's emotions and moods of the moment, thus invalidating.  We have to find closure within ourselves because we can't really get it from the other person.  That's another impact of the mental illness.

It's very likely he will reach out to you.  Be prepared in advance for how you will respond, if you respond at all.  While we aren't mean, we do have to be firm.  We use No Contact (NC) for a reason - self-protection.  It is very important we have firm boundaries or else they'll get trampled at some point, whether purposely or inadvertently.

As time goes on you will understand more thoroughly the wisdom of walking away.  It would have been even harder the longer you stayed and especially so if there were children.

  cookiedough,

I'm glad you're realizing the complications of being with someone who is BPD and not stable enough to be in a 'normal' relationship with you or anyone else for that matter and that you're trying to move on. It is hard and sad and you are going to feel pain as you try to heal from the emotional roller coaster you've been on... .but it will get better. Oh and to bring a child into the world with someone who is still so much child himself is a recipe for disaster. It just wouldn't be fair and isn't something that you'll be able to change once it's done. The others have given you very good suggestions about treading carefully as you move through the FOG.

More good links... .US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0)

Workshop - US: The dysfunctional dance - self inflicted wounds (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=66672.0)

Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0)

I was also in a r/s with a pwBPD and it nearly destroyed me as a person! I wanted it to go back to the honeymoon stage of being in love, when everything was so exciting and fun. Trouble is he couldn't (because of his disorder), keep his emotions from changing from the extremes of love, to rage and pure hate, then love again, then hate, then love towards me. He was never professionally diagnosed, I learned here that he was most likely BPD and that there was nothing I could do to get the old him back and that this was more like how he'd be from now on. There was no turning back the clock! The r/s was doomed and I had to leave and yes, it was hard.

Be gentle to yourself and picture how you want your future to be and reach for it... .We'll help you get there... .

I'm a borderline and I can tell you, when someone who is borderline loves you, at that moment, they love you and when they hate you, at that moment they hate you. it's not that they are faking it. Their emotions spin and when they are in a rage, they can't connect to the moment that they loved you and vise versa.

Thats what I don't understand, but I guess I never will get that. It just hurts that to him it was all a lie when he said he loved me and that he said he kissed me because that's what I wanted him to do. He's a 23 year old man no one can make him do anything. He seemed like a different person than 3 days ago when he still loved me in "that way"

yeah, I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel so closed off from everyone and I can't even talk to the people at work. I don't think I'll be ready to date anyone either anytime soon. If he had it his way he would've kept me around until next time when he felt like he wants to kiss me again and be intimate. My confidence is way down and I kept hoping that this time it would be different because we were "good" (I had trust issues because he cheated) for 3 months, but the cycle just happened again.

Sorry you had to go through that too : (.

I was a fool for thinking that this time would be different when in the year I've known him he always went back and forth. Today was better though, I worked, got some stuff done at the bank and I'm with my family now.

He reached out most times when we weren't talking but at this point I really don't care if he does because I don't plan on answering... .I don't know if that's because I'm mad right now.

I just keep on going back to the things I said and things I should've done differently.

Three days before he did this I said we were over because we got in a fight and i was tired and frustrated, but then I apologized and we were ok. He was hurt that I would even say that but three days later he did the same thing.

I hope this didn't make him hate me because I heard BPD people can get distant if they are hurt.

I'm trying to move on because deep down I realize that he can't be helped by me and he will only hurt me again.

Even though I keep on looking back, having doubts and thinking about the good moments I almost feel like I have a weight lifted off my shoulders because I don't have to deal with the ups and downs anymore... .if I don't think about the good times when he said he loved me I feel almost happy.

I'm having a really hard time right now.

I thought I was doing ok but now I'm really starting to miss him.

But how can you miss someone who said such mean things to you.

I guess I'm just thinking of the good times when he held me close and said he loved me.

I feel like such a fool.

But I can't call him becuase I know that I will get back on the rollercoaster.

  cookiedough,

It's the FOG... .and grieving. Sometimes they just go hand in hand. Keeping yourself busy and being with others helps. Also, journaling even when you don't feel like it1 I did this and sobbed my eyes out because I was sad. I was just plain ol sad. Sure he said some awful horrific things to me (at me), but I was so sad because it felt like things didn't have to be that way! I wanted so much more than he could give and yet I knew he tried as hard as he possibly could. I know that it's because of his mental illness that didn't allow him to be the man he could have been and I still miss that part of him. It's like having to bury a friend too early in life, it's painful and it hurts... .:'(

cookiedough, has anything happened tonight that's made things especially hard? 

I got yelled at at work for making a stupid mistake and all I wanted to do was to call him and tell him all about it.

He wasn't just my boyfriend he was my best friend too, I told him everything.

But I also started thinking about how two days before everything happened he said he loved me and about how sad I was that the cycle happened again.

It's really hard because I don't know if he'll contact me and I'm scared that he started sleeping around again and partying.

And I know that I should be around people but whenever I am I find a way to talk about him.

Yesterday we were looking at scary movies to watch and all I could think about was how me and him always watched scary movies together and about the time we googled if one of the monsters was real.

He's gone but there's so many memories.

I feel the saddest when I'm at work and I have to talk to people... .I just don't feel like the same me anymore.

I guess I was so used to the us that I lost the me.

Today I got two texts from guys who are friends wishing me a merry christmas and that made me feel good.

I just can't wait for school to start so I can start studying and meeting new people and I won't have time to think about him.

  Hang in there cookiedough. I'm sorry you got yelled at work over something stupid. It does hurt not to be able to tell your best friend about how it made you feel, and it's okay to miss him and the good times. You're allowed to feel any way you need to, it's part of the process. This time last year I was with my ex so I was a little worried that I'd 'run into' him out there, or worse see him with someone new... .But I made myself go out and build new memories with other people who care a lot about me. Break ups are very hard for anyone! I was just out with friends tonight and one friend just caught her bf of one year in a big lie and she literally ended it with him tonight! Even though she was very shaken up, she kept her dignity and won't tolerate his deceitfulness and that was that. The one thing she said is that she didn't listen to her gut when she suspected something wasn't right! Sound familiar?

It takes a lot of courage to stick up yourself and walk through the pain of a breakup, but you can do it, you deserve a better and healthier relationship... .one that won't be a confusing roller coaster. Remember, contact = pain.

No I know you are right.

It is hard especially because I've been through all of this before.

A part of me wants to go back... .it's horrible that I got used to the unhealthy roller coaster.

I just lost myself in the relationship and he took up so much of my time and energy.

I have to believe that he said what he said because he is ill, that's the only way I'll be able to move on.

It hurts to think that his future might not be good, but I have to start looking out for my own.

Also I feel guilty because the friday before everything fell apart I broke up with him because I was mad but that same night we made up. I can't help but think that I sent him on some kind of mood swing or something. I don't know. I'm not perfect but at least I remember what I want right away and apologize, at least I don't say my feelings changed in hours or a couple of days or that i lied.

Hi Cookiedough... .I'm sorry for everything you've been through. Every relationship with a pwBPD is unique, but they all have their challenges. If no contact is what's best for you, I wish you well and hope that you're successful in maintaining that.

I have a comment about his hospitalization. He may have been "stabilized" while there, meaning that his doctors are now reasonably certain that he isn't an immediate danger to himself or others. However, it's almost certainly true that his emotions are not stable or that his disorder has improved. His current mental state is probably not conducive to any sort of a romantic relationship (whether he tries to have one or not).

My dBPDbf was also hospitalized for a similar length of time, almost a year ago. That was where his journey with DBT therapy started. I knew him at the time but we WERE just friends, though not close friends. It took a good six months of intensive and consistent therapy before he started showing real progress, and his therapist thought he could handle a relationship. We began dating right around this point(yes, I became involved with someone I knew had BPD... .crazy, huh?) and over the course of our 6 month relationship, I've seen continual improvement, mixed with some setbacks, but he religiously participates in individual and group therapy. The point is, it's going to take a LOT of hard work and motivation on the part of your pwBPD before he even approaches the realm of mentally "stable". He may NEED a friend to be there for him during that process, but unless you're ok with staying/keeping yourself in the friend zone for a while (and it sounds like you're not), it's probably best that you stay away. Otherwise, you're going to be continually triggering each other and you run the rest of being "split black".

As for the "I love you/I don't love you let's be friends" nonsense. I obviously don't know much about the situation, but I doubt he was lying when he said he loved you. It's more likely he wasn't being completely honest when he said he didn't. Or maybe he was being honest, but only felt that way because the turmoil inside his head didn't always allow for those types of intense feelings. My bf twice told me that he thought we should just be "friends". I didn't freak out... .just told him that I was there for him and if that's what made him most comfortable, I thought I could do that. He's now said (after much discussion with his therapist), that he said that because he was afraid, and the feelings were more intense than he could handle... .that he always loves me, even if he sometimes says or does things that suggest otherwise. So I'm learning to roll with the tide. He doesn't cheat though... .I trust him but wouldn't tolerate infidelity if we're a couple. I think that would be difficult for you to be your pwBPD's "friend" if he were seeing other people. If he were willing to put aside all other romantic entanglements while he was working on himself, maybe but that may not be a possibility.

Whatever you decide, please take care of yourself, don't try to force a relationship he can't yet handle and don't get sucked back in unless he continues with therapy. If he doesn't, the push/pull will go on and on.

Hugs... .KL

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who went through this.

He's gone back and forth on me about 4 times now though. And the first couple of times I stayed around as just his friend, and then he would want to be romantic with me for a couple of weeks/months and then it would change again.

Even when I stayed as just his friend we would hang out every day and he didn't see anyone else, (I'm not positive about the times when we weren't talking).

This time though I actually love him after being kind of stable after he cheated on me when he said he was manic... .and I forgave him because I thought he was a different person that night.

Its just that he can do stupid things when he's not thinking straight and I don't think that this time I could have stayed as just a friend again because I don't think that I could handle him talking to other girls again.

I do believe he loved me and the saddest part is that I know if I would've stayed it would've gone back to that.

But he said he couldn't trust himself and he would hope to god that he wouldn't cheat on me again... before breaking it off.

I just miss him and I feel depressed but it's been such a roller coaster ride and I want to be there for him but there are so many complications now.

Because of the way he is even if he loves me even now he is still more likely to go out and have a random drunken night out and have one night stands and all of that. But I can't even think about dating anyone right now.

I just feel so emotionally drained and broken down because this has happened before and I just thought this time it wouldn't happen again.

I gave him back all of the stuff he got me the cd's, teddy bears, his sweater that I kept.

And I told him we would never talk again.

He said it was because he didn't love me anymore it "that way" apparently things like this can change in two days.

He also said that he ruined my school and that he's not good for me and he can never make me genuinely happy because of his "condition". This part I want to believe but it kind of sounds like sugarcoating.

He went from crying to kicking me out of his room.

I just think that if he wants to talk to me he will. He needs to sort this out for himself. I got messed up trying to take care of him and in the end he just wanted to do it by himself.

If it's meant to be and he misses me he will contact me... .I don't know what I'll do then.

I don't think they do, I don't think they can.

I just gave four years of my life to a man who just walked out on me 2 weeks ago, hopefully for the last time.

If you really want to be done with him but are afraid he will call change your number.   Although I know it's not 100% fool proof it atleast will slow him down.

Now I feel like a complete fool.

Today I had this burning feeling inside me and I called him... .TWICE... .NO THREE TIMES.

I left 2 messages saying I don't know why I called and the second hoping he is doing well and that I'm confused.

What the heck is wrong with me. He's probably going out tonight to do it with someone else and here I am calling him.

Why am I calling. I don't want him back and hearing his voice is like hearing a strangers voice.

I'm so confused right now.

He didn't answer and I don't think I want him to call me back.

I don't know what I'm doing. Today at work I really wanted to go out and party and get all wild and crazy at some club.

Then I come home and it was like something got inside of me that I wanted to call him.

My mom is considering paying for me to go see a therapist.

I feel really messed up.

cookiedough... .Feeling conflicted about what we know is bad for us vs what we feel we need is not a great place to be in long term.  I, and many other members spent time here on the "undecided" board... .and we know what you are going through... .

If you have the chance to see a therapist... .take it.  So many of us here have found it an invaluable tool in helping us to feel healthier and allowing us to come to solid decisions about our relationships.  I see it as no different to hiring a personal trainer to get your body in shape  |iiii

Yeah but the irony of it all is that I broke down and called him! I feel so stupid right now.

  cookiedough,

Don't beat yourself up for contacting him. Try to let it go and move on, move forward, lesson learned. That's great that you're mom is offering you a way to see a therapist, I say go for it. We usually stay in the undecided or back and forth with an ex BPD r/s because there's something within ourselves that we need to learn about and a therapist can really help us find that. You can always come here whenever you get the urge to contact him... .it only causes confusion and pain and most of us are very familiar with this, including myself! 

Thanks I feel better after reading this.

It's just that every time we stopped talking in the past year (like 5 times) we'd always come back to each other.

Every time I'd call he'd be there and vise versa.

I'm wondering if he's better, if they kept him in the hospital longer after our melt down (which happened in the hospital the day before he was supposed to be discharged... .I'm not so proud of that, I could've waited until he got out) or if he went to NY with his parents.

People are telling me to give him space to figure his stuff out. But I don't know if I called him because I miss him or just out of habit.

I think I will go see the therapist though no matter what happens because I feel like I go back and forth and I feel like a different person every day.

It's totally understandable how you feel. It is like an addiction or habit like you said. We get used to that person 'being there' one way or another and even though we know we're better off moving on, we feel the void. It's like any habit... .the urge is so frick'n strong in the beginning because that's all we know but as you move forward and reconnect with yourself you'll start rebuilding other friendships and new memories.

Take a deep breath, you didn't cause him to be disordered. If he ended up staying longer in the hospital or if he's with his parents, he's in good hands and he'll be okay. It's okay to miss him, to worry about him, and to let him go.

You're also in good hands... .I'm excited that you can talk these feelings with a therapist, dig deep cookiedough, you deserve a happy and healthy relationship... .

Tested by fire... .means you don't stay in the fire, your get out and learn to live for another day.

Cookie dough is soft and pliable.  However, put it in the oven for the proper amount of time and you can pull out a really nice cookie, firm and tasty.

You have a chance now to get out and stay out of the oven, toasted just enough to firm your resolve but avoiding getting overcooked to a charred crisp.

Thanks foreverdad and Sabine!

The oven analogy was really good and funny.

Honestly I feel like my mistakes make me stronger. Was it a mistake to go back to him all of those times before... .  yeah probably. But we had some really good times too.

But I'm realizing now (even though all of you have been telling me this) that he is really not in a good place right now and cant deal with our emotional baggage... .  maybe that's why he pushed me away again.

And honestly I think I called him so that I could say nice things after our bad end... .  but it really doesn't matter what I say because he will not be healed for a long time.

Even though sometimes I feel like I'm having panic attacks and my chest starts getting tight and I can't breathe I'm more calm now and know that he needs time to heal and I need time to repair the damage that I made in my life because I was so consumed in this relationship and trying to give him everything he needed to feel good. In all reality in many ways (not all the time but a lot of the time) it was a very selfish relationship.

Yes I love him and we had good times but even though I called I am not going to be sucked into that roller coaster again. I only have a year and a half left of college and I have to be a little bit selfish for myself.

I'm having a hard time this week.

School started and I thought I was doing ok but I'm thinking about him constantly.

I feel guilty for breaking up with him about a week before he broke up with me. I feel guilty for telling him my mom didn't approve of me being with him. I feel guilty for showing him my friend's (he was a guy) "weird" text. All of this happened in between the time that we got back together from me wanting to break up to him saying he wanted to.

I'm not a saint and i've left a lot of times in the past year. Sure he would act weird or make me mad because of something he did but he wasn't always the one that wanted to leave.

It was an exhausting relationship but I miss him and parts of it.

I wonder if he's still in the hospital, if he got his med's straightened out.

I find his dogs hair everywhere... .  I sing songs for him in my car. I feel pathetic. I gave him back all his stuff and I miss the teddy bears he bought me I hope he didn't throw them away or my shoes that I forgot there. He has all of our memories and I get it I didn't want them but I feel sad thinking that he might not either and he'll throw them away.

I know this is stupid since it's already been a month, but I'm just so sad because I keep on thinking  back to how we were before he was hospitalized and how he said I made him so happy. How can that be the same person that kicked me out of his room and told me not to go into the details of our relationship when two days before he said he loved me and only had eyes for me?.

I'm so confused, and angry and sometimes I get the urge to drive to his house so I can see his dog and him and his parents. That's all his though and not mine but sometimes the urge is so strong.

I feel relieved to be off of the roller coaster but at the same time I keep on looking back and thinking to myself that so much of it seemed genuine like he did love me and i miss those days.

  cookiedough,

Your break up is still very fresh and it's going to be painful. You're reminiscing, you miss him and the good parts of your relationship and it's totally normal. You're being honest and open about how you feel... .  that's good. Were you able to find a therapist and start seeing her? I think this would really benefit you and help you work through feeling so guilty... .  there's gotta be something behind that, don't you think?

I just can't believe I was fooled once again into thinking that we might actually be ok for more than 2 months and everything wouldn't fall apart once again.

someone said he used me... .  but I don't think he did I mean he was in a mental hospital obviously he's pretty messed up.

It's just so weird to be so out of synch with someone who you did everything with... .  we did absolutely everything together... .  maybe that was the problem.

I wonder if he'll send me my shoes back.

The saddest part would be if he's screwing around again and partying because that made him sad after the fact he didn't want to be that person and I feel like with me he wasn't because I balanced him out.

I wish he would've just stayed on the depakote.

No I haven't seen a therapist yet I've been so busy with school I haven't even started looking... .  I should though.

I guess I feel guilty because I feel like I shouldn't have said that we should break up even though I took it back and I shouldn't have showed him that text from my guy friend i just did because I wanted to be honest with him.

It's just that people with BPD have abandonment issues and I already knew he was insecure and I feel that by telling him what I did I just pushed him away.

Its weird because two days before that he said it was like something in his head was changing, and I could see that it was.

It's hard because in the 3 months leading up to the hospitalization I was with him almost 24/7 and I saw what he was like when he got off the depakote he was different like possessed almost and there were nights when he would stay up 3 nights in a row.

I think I said we should end it even though I didn't mean it because i was afraid of the person that would come out when he stopped the depakote... .  i was so stressed out!

I even talked to a therapist with him and told him my concerns and the therapist thought he should stay on it but then his main one did not want him to.

I'm so angry and confused and I have all these memories of like 5 different versions of him in my head.

He could be so sweet and caring buying me teddy bears, dropping me off at school but he could also be so cold and almost possessed like a different person.

And no one around me understands why I'm still thinking about this person who hurt me so much, and honestly everyone is kind of tired of hearing about this because they think he was just a bad person but I don't : (.

You're going through a process.  Just as a person with BPD cannot recover overnight, neither can we.  We need time to process our failed relationships.  Counseling and support helps too, whether here, with a professional or trusted friends and family.  Our relationships meant a lot to us, we were emotionally vested, we can't shrug them off as though they were an old tattered coat.  So it's okay to grieve.  Have you read about the Five Stages of Grieving a Loss (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0)?

Seems like you're still Walking On Eggshells. :'(  If this had been a normal relationship, he could have weathered the minor ups and downs, bumps and bruises common to all relationships.  But he was/is easily triggered.  And even if you would have succeeded in walking on eggshells back then, there just would have been something else that would have occurred.  The 'end' would have come at some point, sooner or later.

Frankly, no relationship, not even a healthy one, can avoid all problems or things we wish we could undo.  We're all imperfect.  Even you.   Been there, done that.  Please, do not expect too much of yourself, okay?

Yeah but I feel like he shrugged me off as if I were "an old tattered coat".

After everything that we'd been through and after showing me that he cared/loved me he just threw it all away so easily... .  like it wasn't even the same person.

It's stupid that I'm trying to rationalize it... .  I've been spending so much time lately just researching all of the med's he was on and reading other stories like mine.

It makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who heard things like "i'm not attracted to you" and  "I used you".

The strange thing is that he knew he flip flopped on me. He could feel it coming on the night before our fallout and he talked to the nurse about it (outside the room) and she gave him this BPD therapy slip. We talked about him flip-flopping on me before and he couldn't believe how he acted/what he said after the fact.

But this time it seems real like that was our breaking point and honestly a part of me feels relieved to have time to myself.

It's like he could never be alone... .  that's why i was scared that if I wasn't with him he'd go out and find someone else if even just for one night... .  and he did once (even though he was manic).

When I read that you said I'm still walking on eggshells I cried because thinking back to it I was through the whole relationship which started to make me unhappy near the end.

I don't know what to think.

I feel like no one around me understand.

I feel like I'm scared and it might take me a really long time to get over this.

Today my brother said "it be stupid/wouldn't make sense if it took you longer than 2 months to move on"... .  what? Is he serious. I just spend a year on and off with a person that I feel took such a large part of me and I'm still trying to get back up on my feet and understand everything. I can't even think about dating anyone right now... .  or I can think about it but I can't actually do it. It makes me sad because I see people around me that I'm attracted to but I can't/won't talk to them. I just need to be alone right now because people around me just don't understand why I'm still obsessing over this. Arghhhh. Even if he is moving on and screwing around that's not my problem anymore. In my heart what we had was real and one day if he's moving on already now it will come back to haunt him... .  if he really did feel anything for me whatsoever.

I feel like I'm wasting away... .  I've lost so much weight it seems.

I know he's not worth it and he has a lot of health problems but I forgot what it's like to live without him... .  but i don't want him back... .  he's not good for me .

  cookiedough,

Honestly, you're just going through the process and it takes time. There is no magic pill to take you to the other side but if you continue to educate yourself on BPD and maybe talk to a therapist or go to CODA meeting to help you release him by accepting him, (as backwards as that sounds!), you'll begin to feel better. Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0)

This is no ordinary break up, he has tapped into some of your own insecurities and obsessions and it's making you FEEL... .  

You've got to be selfish and take care of YOUR needs right now, get plenty of sleep, eat nutritiously, go on walks, journal, keep posting here, say positive mantras to yourself out loud, pamper yourself... .  What does it mean to take care of yourself?  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0)

Be gentle to yourself... .     

Well, the fact is that most people haven't experienced what you have.  They can't imagine it was THAT bad.

On the other hand, you found kindred souls here because we've walked in your shoes.  We know.  We've been there, lived that.  That's why peer support, especially at the beginning, is so vital for us.  It's more than support, it's validation, it's camaraderie, reassurance that we're not alone and not us who caused it all.

Sabine:

Thank you. You are right I do need to take care of myself. I need to focus on school and work and maybe try to spend more time with my family and try not to talk about him : ). I can't promise I won't be back here when I have another break down. You are probably right about the insecurity/obsession thing. I like taking care of people and maybe that's why I got so caught up in taking care of him, or maybe because I actually loved him.

Foreverdad:

Yeah they don't know that when he "switched" on me it was "that bad" and they don't get that I keep on going back through it all because there was a sweet loving side to him and I'm trying to connect the many sides i've seen in the past year and sometimes wishing I was back in that loving stage again even though I know it won't happen unless I want to go through pain again. It's not that he didn't love me its just that he is too emotionally messed up.

Maybe you need to see him as Kaleidoscope Man, many sides, constantly shifting, never stable.

This is one of the hardest things to understand and deal with. I don't profess to be an expert but now after going through so many recycles I get to the point where I am not taking it as personally... .  still sucks... .  but not as much.

On the surface it looks like we are getting played and getting used. But that is not really the case.

We love them and take care of them because our love is consistent.  I believe their love for us is real... .  when they love us.  

But the disorder makes them totally undependable and unreliable. Could you ever imagine yourself falling in and out of love with some person over and over and over and over again?

That is what they do.  I think it is real but intermittent.

Foreverdad:

Yeah that seems like a good way to describe him : ).

Nowwhatz:

Its hard because he wanted to keep in contact and for me to stick around again. I knew that if I did he'd fall "in love" with me again or get back to those romantic feelings because it's happened before.

But I just couldn't stick around this time because of him possibly seeing other people... .  that would've been too much. The funny thing is the day he broke up with me he was scared that I would see another guy that night and said "you wouldn't do that would you"? I wish he was better and he wouldn't have to go through this because no I couldn't imagine what it would be like to fall in and out of love so quickly... .  it must be awful for him too. But I just couldn't stay again because I've been there done that and I always keep on getting hurt. You must be really strong to not let it affect you as much anymore.

do pigs really know how to fly?  you love him and you wish the same would be returned.  but is it possible?  it is seeing a pig being shot out of the canon and ask "can pigs really fly?"  i think the problem with BPD (w/NPD traits) people is that they play out this script in their heads and you happen to fit in their script at certain time and certain part of their lives ... .  so they make you feel super special.  And then, one day ... when you don't exactly fit in where they want you to be, then all hell breaks loose.  and you get confused.

I don't think their love for us is real, not even by a long shot. I think they see us as puppets, some sort of pleasure toy for short term prospect fun.

Yeah I mean I could think that everything wasn't real but the last time I saw him he looked like he was in pain too.

He cried and told me i would make someone really happy when two days ago he was telling me I made him really happy.

I can't believe it was fake only that he is really emotionally damaged.

I don't want to hate him and believe that what we had when we had it wasn't real because I could see he was in pain.

He saw himself as this monster who lied to me but before that he would do so many nice things for me and take care of me.

The problem was his emotions and wants came first a lot of the time which wasn't easy to deal with.

He used to tell me I saved his life and I was the only thing that was keeping him going... .  my friend said that that was really strong and it put a lot of pressure on me.

Cookiedough--

You don't have to hate him. In fact, that's not a good idea. How do you feel peaceful if you are filled with hatred?

It's not really a matter of whether he's a liar, a bad person, or any of the rest of this kind of thinking.

It's a matter of of whether you can remain emotionally solid while dealing with a bipolar. Bipolars are NOT emotionally solid. They are all over the place. They aren't necessarily "lying", they are manic, then depressed, then manic, then depressed (many bipolars experience both these things at the SAME TIME). Oh--and irritable. That's a big symptom of bipolar. Do a little reading about bipolar disorder. This is a MOOD DISORDER.

Understanding the parameters of what you are dealing with is key. Right now, you don't understand. You are torn about whether or not he is lying, or in pain, or what. And here's the deal--bipolar disorder is a major mental illness. It causes demonstrable brain dysfunction. He CAN'T react react to life the same way you do. His moods are scrambled. There likely isn't even a such thing as a "regular" mood for him. They all seem regular.

People with a major mental illness often seem like they are in their own little world. That's because they ARE. They have a hard enough time trying to cope with themselves, let alone anyone else.

An intimate relationship requires genuine and sincere emotional interaction--every day. People with major mental illnesses cannot do this. It's not that they are tricking you, lying to you, cheating you. THEY CAN'T DO IT. And frequently, due to something called "anosognosia" (more than 60% of bipolars have anosognosia), they don't even know they can't do it. They don't even believe something is wrong with them.

I know this is a hard pill to swallow, believe me. My husband of almost 18 years is diagnosed bipolar with psychotic features (paranoid delusions). He also has bipolar driven antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. He doesn't really have friends, and from his point of view, he DOES have friends. Yeah, friends from the old days in college (before bipolar) that he talks to on the phone about every year and a half. But can he deal with me on a daily basis, trying to have (shaky) genuine and sincere emotional interaction? NO, he CAN'T. He doesn't know that. He DOES know something is wrong, and he thinks it's me.

You either learn everything you can about bipolar and become emotionally solid and stable yourself, so you aren't torn from one end of the spectrum to the other (like he is), and can be a rock for not only yourself, but also him, or you admit you aren't emotionally solid enough and knowledgeable enough about mental illness, and move on, so that you can stop making it worse for both of you, by expecting him to react in a "normal" way when he CAN'T.

This is the key--if you want to have a relationship with him (which IS possible), you MUST accept that he cannot perform this way you would like him to. Your love CANNOT transform his limitations (they are brain chemistry oriented, not "love deficiency" oriented).

Look, I tell you this because I'm in the same boat. I care very much about my husband. I don't hate him, nor do I have to in order to care about myself. It was actually a big relief for me to finally understand that he simply CANNOT interact in an intimate relationship in anything resembling a "normal" way. The best he can do is pretty cold and indifferent, with occasional "bursts" of imitating what he thinks it is I want from him, and/or manic episodes (read about those--hypersexual, intense emotions, etc).

So, the question is: can you deal with this? What you see is what you get. What your relationship is right now is what the relationship is. You can change the dynamic some with your knowledge of what is happening to him and your own ability to not be offended and hurt by it, but you can't change him or his disorder. I did it for a long time, but can't anymore. Just not emotionally strong enough, plain and simple. I keep "forgetting" and trying to establish emotional interaction with him so we can be close. HE CAN'T. Then I'm hurt and angry. Which accomplishes nothing but resentment and frustration. And loneliness.

If being close with someone is what you need and want from a relationship, then don't try to do this with someone with bipolar. If you can back off, and don't need much emotional closeness and can deal with someone elses wild mood swings without getting thrown off your own footing, then it might work.

Honestly I don't think I can.

I mean i broke down and texted him about 2 and a half weeks ago ... .  but he didn't respond which really hurt because he always responded before... .  which makes me wonder even more what happened with him. But I know that in the long term I am not going to be able to deal with I'm in love with you I'm not in love with you and all of the other emotional crap that comes along with it.

Should I feel bad that I wasn't strong enough to stick around?

I've read all about the hyper-sexuality stuff associated with bipolar/borderline and I've seen it in action when he would stay up all night and that night that he cheated on me : (.

The truth is I tried to make this work with him and I visited him every day when he was in the hospital.

I wish I could help him out and be there with him and you say that a relationship with a person like him CAN work. However, I feel like it's hard to make it work when they keep on rejecting you and putting you down.

It's weird that they have a low self esteem when over the past year he's made my self esteem very low.

I don't hate him though the hardest part is I still love/am in love with him.

But because of the demanding relationship and my inability to not be affected by his emotional instability my grades went down and i lost touch with my family.

It's almost like I was so consumed with him and he wanted me to be consumed by him... .  he wanted me around all the time.

I wonder how he is now and maybe one day we will talk again and I will get sucked back in... .  but for my health I hope not.

It's tragic really to love someone but know that they are absolutely not good for you... .  he knew it too.

Maybe I wasn't good for him either because when they were changing up his meds I was really concerned and kind of emotional because they were just testing what would happen if they took him off his bipolar med and put him on a mainly anxiety med that had some bipolar benefits to see what would happen. But to me they were messing with the fact that he hadn't changed the way he felt about me in 2-3 months. It was hard for me to be there while they were changing up everything and to see him change in front of my eyes.

Another thing about the regular mood thing.

It's funny because when me and him talked to a therapist at the hospital the therapist asked me if I thought there was a regular for him and I couldn't say that there was because even when he was good and sweet it was different from the last time that he was sweet.

Should you feel bad that you weren't strong enough to stick around? What good will that do? We're all different--it doesn't help to go back and forth between trying to make him the weak person or yourself the weak person.

If that's how you feel, then that's how you feel, and you need to work through that. It's not a matter of what you "should" or "shouldn't" feel.

What I see in my husband is a "regular" mood (meaning more common mood) that is basically withdrawn. He isn't real interactive unless he is starting a manic phase. Which can be kind of "regular" as well. Point is, "regular" for him is cyclical. He cycles through certain moods--usually somewhat depressed and irritable, and also this strange giggly manic phase (which is also irritable). When he's really manic, he's also very narcissistic.

Medications for major mental illnesses, unfortunately, commonly only work for a while, then don't work anymore. Then the doctors need to change the medications. And sometimes that takes a while, to find another one that works. And if you want to be with him, that's part of what you have to be prepared for.

yes, it CAN work. But not the way you want it to. It will never be an intimate close relationship. You will have to be more of a caretaker. The focus will be on his moods, not yours.

I can't do it either. Not because I'm not "strong enough", just because I'm too emotionally sensitive. I am crushed by his rejection, which is not at all subtle. Every so often, he goes on a big rage and screams at me all the things he has wanted to say to me and blame me for for a long time. I am not able to "shine it on".

You aren't a bad person for not being able to do this. Neither is he. It's just one of those tragic things in life (obviously Utopia is not an option). But you see for yourself... .  you are having a hard enough time dealing with how all this makes you feel. So is it likely you can deal with years of cyclical mood swings from him?

Does he love you? Probably. As best he can. But what is going to be required of him is that he repress his mood swings so as to not hurt your feelings all the time. Cookiedough--if he could do that, he woudn't be bipolar. Both of you are going to be hurt, not enraptured, by this relationship. He can learn to regulate his moods better--IF he wants to, and certainly not overnight. And you would need to learn to become emotionally bullet proof--which is also not going to happen overnight. BUT it is never going to be the way you want it to be. You have to change the way you want it to be, or bail out. Yeah, you can be his friend, and he could probably use one. But only if you can really be his friend (and only in the way he can deal with) and not keep sneaking a romantic ideal agenda in.

Keep in mind here that friendship is one of the root issues. Friendship (genuine and sincere emotional interaction) is required in an intimate relationship as well as a platonic relationship. That's the part he is going to have HUGE difficulty with. You can't pressure him to do something he cannot do. You'll be crushed and hurt, and he'll be frustrated and angry. I don't have real good boundaries, and neither do you. That's something to work on in ourselves, instead of trying to change the bipolar guys to better fit our expectations. But personally I'm finally starting to see that boundary building needs to happen in a less volatile, less extreme setting than a relationship with a bipolar. 

A few years ago someone wrote this, or maybe a a few someones... .  

Recovery takes time.  It might be that he needs to get stabilized, then while he's continuing therapy he's tasked with taking care of a plant.  Then after a few months of doing well then he can be tasked with taking care of a gold fish.  Maybe that's not the thing for your ex, but my point is this:  The way he is he can't really handle any meaningful emotional relationship.  He may have to start small, very small, and learn how to have a proper relationship on a small scale first.  The way he is now and has been most of his life, either he is overwhelmed or he overwhelms the other.  With you around he might not be able to overcome the emotional triggers and such.

Does the above apply to him?  I don't know.  But you can't be the one to save him or fix him.  You've had an emotional relationship with him and that emotional baggage is all he can see if you're around.  The professionals can make a difference if he will work with them.  One reason it might work with them is because they don't have an emotional relationship with him.  They won't be hugging him, going out to dinner with him or playing a game in the park with him.  They will be careful to stay emotionally neutral with him.  That's the only way to reach him, even then it's not a sure thing.

Yes, meds might help him.  If he is Bi-polar, they would help.  If it's more an issue of a PD then meds might help less, only moderating his extremes, for PDs therapy or counseling is more helpful.

Letting go is a process.  Your head is nearly there, give it time and your heart will accept the loss or relief or calm.

Yep. What ForeverDad said above.

What's happening here is you are experiencing grief, pain, loss. That grief, pain, and loss is associated with your bf. You want him to fix it. HE CAN'T.

It's yours. You have to work through it. It's hard. It's not anybody's "fault".

But you can lean on your friends here for some genuine and sincere emotional interaction to help you get through it. That's what we're doing here too.

Every time we tried to be just friends it turned into something more. And then we had a romantic relationship which he would want to be in on and off.

Even when we were just friends we would be platonic for a while but still hang out every day.

So I was a caretaker a lot as just a friend or not. But boundaries kept getting crossed.

And I would be extremely jealous if this time I stayed as his just his friend and something happened with someone else... .  it would crush me because not too long ago he said he loved me! And I know BPD or bipolar people are impulsive and sometimes over sexual so to him it might not be a big deal but as a girl I see that kind of stuff as emotional.

He said he would be jealous to see me with another guy too but he would have to learn how to deal with it... .  and he cried (before he kicked me out) when I asked him if it would be ok if I went to see another guy that night (which I wouldn't have done that night I was just being mean : ()

I think one of the hardest things about this is that we were best friends on top of being "romantic".

So I lost my best friend too.

I just think that I'm too young I'm only 20 and I have too many things I want to do for myself in life. I need to do good in school and I can't be the caretaker he needs.

When I was a good caretaker for him I would spend way too much time with him and forget about me.

Ironically our romantic relationship blossomed when I was the best caretaker I could be which ties in to your point doublearies that it is more of a caretaker than a close double sided romantic relationship.

Much of the time it was about him, his meds, the way he was feeling.

It was acceptable for him to feel bad and down and not right but it wasn't for me (unless it was about him cheating on me).

As forever dad said, I would trigger him a lot because of our emotional relationship and baggage.

I guess that's bad but I was trying to have a normal relationship with him it's just that his moods affected me and our emotional stuff triggered the stuff that would make me mad... .  ironic isn't it.

He cheated on almost every girlfriend he's ever had and he's had turbulent relationships with a lot of girls not just me so it's a deeper issue than our love.

I just hope he can get the help he needs and maybe one day I'll stop reminiscing about the good times because I can't get them back.

I completely understand, cookiedough--I spent 18 years trying to have a "normal" relationship with my husband too. Refusing to acknowledge that he just simply cannot do that. Even now I "forget". We were talking about trying to be friends. UH, HELLO? That's the part that's missing from the intimate relaionship part! Now we're going to single that part out and magically achieve it? Holy Hangovers, Batman!

While it has been a relief to understand that he's not simply being mean (he can't interact genuinely in an emotional manner, and his focus is on distraction from his negative feelings and immersion in happy ones--for HIMSELF), I also have to accept that I am having great difficulty in truly accepting that fact.

You can and will have good times again. After you process the difficult feelings you have now, you will begin to rebuild your self esteem and sense of purpose and meaning, and that will be attractive to someone who wants to share genuine and sincere emotions with you.

It just takes practice--don't beat yourself up for having the courage to get out there and learn what you do want and what you don't want. Pain surely isn't fun, but it IS what forces us to define and refine our standards and goals. Hard as it is to believe right now, there will come a day when you look back on this time as a valuable life forming experience. 

doubleAries

Thanks everyone. Especially sabine, foreverdad and doublearies.

I really appreciate how much you've helped me in the past month.

It's hard and it hurts but I have to look out for myself and move on. He is trying to make his life better and I need to do the same. It's true it's hard for us to realize that's just how they are and I feel that makes for a destructive relationship full of triggers and sadness.

I had a lot of good times with this person but he's not here now and there is nothing I can do about it but go forward. I need to find who I am again and I feel like I'm beginning to do that... .  it's not all about him anymore. Maybe one day I'll see him again but for now I just have to believe that that's the way it was supposed to be.

I just have to keep busy and focused on school and work because the times I miss him the most is when I have time to think about him.

Thanks, (and I'll probably be back when I have another meltdown : ))

cookiedough... .  that last post of yours sounded like acceptance... .  that is a very good place to be!  |iiii

I hope to hear from you soon... .  I'm sure others here do as well  :)

This is impressive cookiedough! I would print it out and stick it on your mirror or on the fridge door and read it whenever you doubt yourself for moving on. I did this kind of thing for awhile and it helped to quiet the 'rattle' in my head and heart... .   

cookiedough--

Don't wait to post again until you have a "meltdown". The rest of us, as well as other new members, need to hear about the acceptance, the light at the end of the tunnel!  :light:

doubleAries

I'm almost afraid of calling it "acceptance" because that might mean I never loved him and I'm over it.

But thats not true. I believe I am still in love with him but only when I think of the good times.

I just can't keep on living feeling guilty and sad all the time. This already went on for a year and who knows how much longer it will take for him to get better.

I'm glad I had panic attacks and felt like I couldn't breathe and cried for hours and couldn't eat for days. I think because I let myself go through that I'm genuinely starting to feel better.

I feel calm and happy today. I'm not afraid to talk to my family and I even had lunch with them.

I miss him and I miss being in a romantic relationship but the ups and downs were destroying me and my self confidence.

I just need to start working on making my life better and just know that what I felt was real and believe that what he felt was real too but in the end it didn't matter because he would just switch all the time.

So even though sometimes I think about the good times I can honestly say that not being in a relationship with him feels like I have a weight lifted off my shoulders... .  for the longest time I was afraid to say that because I felt cold and like I didn't really love/was in love with him. But no I was/am in love with him but that weight I felt was just too much and I feel like admitting that It was too much to handle and just trying to focus on me is what is making me feel better.

And of course you guys have been really helpful.

I feel so much better knowing I'm not the only one who went through this and I feel fortunate enough to have people like you who even though you don't know me you seem to care about what I'm going through and that means a lot.

I'm not over it but I need to take care of me for a change.

Who knows I might have another break down but today I feel good.

Thats good. I feel pretty good today too (emotionally--I have the worst toothache I've ever had right now, and that does NOT feel good)

Cookiedough--just because things don't work out and you're ready to move on doesn't mean you didn't love him. Nor does it mean the relationship was a "failure". I'm sure you both got soemthing good out of it.

Acceptance doesn't mean happiness, it doesn't mean indifference, and it doesn't mean hate. It just means understanding.  :)

Acceptance also means accepting what is.  Your dreams and hopes didn't work out, they were just that - dreams and wishes, not reality.  So accept reality.  Right now it's difficult to do, but over time it will make more and more sense.

Yeah I guess dreaming and hoping that I could live with someone who would keep on hurting me (even though it was a part of his illness) was silly and unrealistic. But when you love someone you try as hard as you can until you realize that loving them isn't enough. I truly believe he loved me, but that wasn't enough either because he was too unstable.

Something about what doubleAries said really hit home with me: you have to accept that your relationship now is what your relationship will be in the future.  It's a dream to hope that your partner will change, or will suddenly realize his/her behavior is harmful.  The idealized version of our relationship in our heads if things were "normal" is basically a dream.

It feels like the best we can do is change ourselves to work towards something livable.  If your partner wakes up and realizes they are part of the problem, then consider yourself VERY lucky.

Yeah he did admit something was wrong with him and that he was the problem and he was trying to get help.

It's just that while he was in the hospital towards the end something "changed" in his head again and he didn't feel like he was in love with me anymore when two day's before he was. He wanted me to stick around as a friend again but I just couldn't.

It hasn't been easy at all but I'm finally starting to feel more confident and happy again.

Yeah I could've stayed as just his friend but for me my feelings didn't change. Sure the drama and ups and downs were too much but staying until something clicked in his head again and he decided he wanted to be romantic with me again was just not going to happen... .  been there too many times.

Also who knows how long it will take for him to get better... .  I tried to be there fore him but in the end his problems came first and he felt like pushing me away emotionally was the best way to get better I guess.

You know I feel like the break down I had this weekend is what got me to think more clearly.

I felt like I was wasting away... and even though I didn't see him anymore I still wasn't doing anything to take care of myself, I decided that's a sad way to live.

After all that time of stressing over him and how our relationship would turn out and how his meds would affect him I feel relief.

I was worried because I felt that I wasn't strong enough to stay longer and go through this with him but honestly now I feel like I was strong for walking away. No it wasn't mean, it was putting myself first for the first time in about a year and not agreeing with every "switch" in his head.

I'm not blaming him and I don't think he lied or did anything on purpose but it was still too much to deal with.