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It is stupid, I know. But I came across all the "heal your inner child" stuff. And really, watching a picture of myself when I was 3 years old I felt really the need to tell to that little face " I am here with you. I will take care of you. Do not cry, I am here for you. Nobody is going to hurt you anymore." So there must be a part of truth there. And I decided to buy a teddy bear. I used to have a teddy bear who I loved a lot. I remember my father throwing him away for something I did. So I missed my teddy bear. And I decided to buy one on Amazon. I chose one with a funny face. I like it a lot.

But... .now I am crying my eyes out. Because, you see, my ex knew I wanted one. I have been wanting one for a while. He knew that. But he never bought me one. It is a stupid thing, but I don't know why, it makes me cry like never before. He could buy me one on Christmas day, he even said something about that, but he didn't. He could have. It is just a stupid teddy bear, everyone could buy that. In a couple gifts like these are pretty common. But he gave me gifts which HE liked. We both like reading but he gave me books HE thought I should have read.Not the ones I really liked. He even bought me a yearly subscription to the bus... .for Christmas. For God's sake. Because he did not want me to drive. I had to save money, he said.

A stupid gesture, a stupid teddy bear. He didn't do it. And my inner child, or whoever she is, is crying her/my eyes out.

So sorry for ranting. This pain is killing me.

Hello sweetheart
It's not silly it's lovely and if that's what you need then it's fine. I have my cat but she doesn't like being squeezed too hard and certainly doesn't like tears dripping on her head however when I am really sad she knows and will come and lick the tears from my face. Ok, it's probably the salt but she still senses when I am sad. I am going to get myself a bear too.
Presents, I do know, and yes he could have bought you one, how hurtful... our first Christmas and 5 weeks into our relationship he bought me a dream catcher because he knew I had nightmares, and beautiful heart shaped China trinket box. I cried with happiness and felt so loved that day. 3 weeks later it was all unravelling and no present since ever had much thought and love behind it again. Our last valentine day together I bought him a lovely antique plate from his favourite design, he went out and bought me a cheap plant in a cup from the nearest supermarket, and that was last minute. I do feel your pain love. I am months out and at present suffering a relapse of depression and pain too, he filled such a large part of my head and heart and I such a small part of his. I can't bear the loneliness of it all sometimes but what keeps me going is the knowledge that it will pass. You stay strong my lovely, cuddle you teddy bear cry your tears out and come here lots.
Lots of love
Sadly 

Something huge I learned via detaching is to turn inward when I feel loss.  Care for and nuture the self by the self.  So I see a teddy bear purchase as a perfect thing to do in healing wounds from loss.

I have gained a lot of healing using an IFS (internal family systems) perspective where you do try to comfort and nuture the self with inner resources.  IMO, this is a most adult, mature thing to do.  It continues to provide to me healing where I feel more strong and independent as a result.

UnforgivenII, do you think it would help to tell your story?

Sometimes, when we live in the pain (most of your posts are about painful things like this) it becomes our reality... .we can take a deep hole in our life an make it deeper.

I've read most of your posts, and I don't really have any feel for who you or he were. All that's here are they shards of glass and the sounds you made when they cut you.

Who are the people in your story? What did they share? What was life like when it was good?

Where did it break down? What was life like when it was coming apart?

It might help.

Thank you Skip for your interest. But no, it would not help me now.
Not now.

This is Stage 1 of

(https://bpdfamily.com/images/detachment_logo.gif)

There no timeline on how fast we should try to move ourselves through healing. I just want to point out that there is still a lot of attachment to the wounds and the self-inquiry is still before you.

Seeds for future thoughts, UnforgivenII .

I wish for you peace in your heart today. We all stand with you.

It's not stupid.  Not in the slightest.  In fact, your post was probably one of the more eloquent and insightful ones here.

We all deserve a "teddy bear."  Even grouchy old dudes like me.  Kudos to you for going out and getting one !

And there's no need to apologize for ranting.  That is probably the best therapeutic value of this board.  I say, "rant on," and if you're going to do so with the eloquence demonstrated here, I would also say "please."... .

I know it is really, really hard to believe this, but the emotional pain that is killing you now will go away for you like it has for most of us here.