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Upd person has been looking for a job, and found one 400 miles away. It's near all his relatives and he wants to take it. I think, anyway, though he says that nothing is definite yet. I feel I'm being phased out, though he keeps arranging for us to do things together, like spending a week away together and now a weekend. Yet he is short with me, impatient (as always) though he has stopped the abusive, belittling comments. He still considers that what is mine is his, and to a certain extent, what is his is mine. We are neighbours and share a lot. I suppose he too doesn't really know how to handle the situation.

Well, neither do I. I try to stay the same, supportive, encouraging; but I find it difficult. He has to do the right things for him... .but I'm not sure where I am in this. Or how to react. I can't talk to him really when he is in this mood... there are short 'windows' where he is the person he used to be, but they soon go. I don't want to overwhelm him, but I also don't want him to feel I don't care.

Hello foggydew,

Ultimately he will do what he wants, but yes I understand that not knowing where you are in this decision, or what it might mean for you both is difficult and confusing.

How likely are they to take this job?

What will happen for you if they do?

Making the choice not to overwhelm him is a good one, perhaps just waiting it out until you know for sure what is going on will help you realise what questions you want to ask.

I want to second this recommendation. Give it some time. It is difficult or anybody to make a big decision like that. In my experience, pwBPD have a difficult time handling any kind of really big change.

He probably isn't thinking of you at the moment. It isn't because of love/not love. It is likely because this decision is so unbelievably overwhelming. My husband said something to me recently that helped me understand a lot. I was saying something about not feeling like a priority and how I wish he could communicate with me better. He responded with something like, "How can I communicate something to you that I don't even know for myself?"

Thanks for your very helpful comments. You helped me feel a lot better. Yes, he has now said he can't say anything because he doesn't know himself... and that hge will come home once a month, and I should go there too, and that he will miss me terribly. He goes for a week's trial on Monday. It's not decided yet... nor is it sure that he will keep the job. I have to wait and get on with life and leave him space. He has an appointment with the bank tomorrow to see if he will be able to buy accommodation if he goes. So he's really counting on it, I think.

I'm glad you have more clarity on the situation, and I can hear your SO also has been able to find his way through this decision for himself.

Your post sounded a lot more positive and optimistic  |iiii

Often for pwBPD, like VOC said it is about giving them space and time to process information and how they feel about things.

I know for me I am often too quick to project my insecurities into the 'not knowing' gap that is left whilst waiting for my h to eventually let me know what has been going on.

I'm facing a similar situation with my partner wanting to move to another country. I agree the best is to be patient and give it some time until words and initiatives become facts. I have seen my BPDgf backing off so many times in the last minute... . 

Meantime, continue as you are doing, validate and give support (professional career, etc) and enjoy the time together to the fullest.

Really good recommendations, which helped and are still helping. Mindwise, your situation must be really tough, my person constantly reassures me that he will only be 3 hours away and that we will stay in touch and see each other twice a month. Going to another country longer term sounds much more threatening - though, as you say, they often back off last minute.

Some distance from the constant stress that the disorder brings with it will good for me, probably. He said one thing that sticks in my mind ... .'we can be so close because I don't care about your feelings'. He claims he is only unpleasant to me (though he is now N/C with his mother and stepfather, and has no real friends) and that he will miss me, very, very much. Hmm.

Well, I've been in very similar situations in the past with other gfs. If that's her path to happiness, then be it, good for her |iiii Of course I much prefer if she stays so we can keep growing together  We'll see what happens  


Yes, focus on yourself and gain strength so when you spend time with your partner you're centered and no longer stressed *)



Would it be correct to say he is unpleasant to you because he doesn't care about your feelings? And that he will miss it very very much?

How does that make you feel? I care

Would it be correct to say he is unpleasant to you because he doesn't care about your feelings? And that he will miss it very very much?

How does that make you feel? I care [/quote]
Well, yes, he is unpleasant to me because he doesn't care about my feelings, I suppose, but I don't think that is what he will miss. He'll miss us doing things together, having fun, laughing, being silly, having support, unconditional love ... .and being able to be his ratty self often. How it makes me feel? Glad that he thought about it, that he tried to be honest, and careful. And superior. I'm an old bird, he's a relatively young man - I don't have any expectations, he's not really a partner ... a companion. He exists, he makes life fun sometimes, gives me a purpose in life, makes me feel of some use, and it's a whole lot better than nothing!

Thanks for YOUR care. Something else that makes me feel better.

Anf I hope your g/f finds that happiness is nearer home.

This is great. Seems to me you clearly define where you stand with him |iiii

Also, awesome to know he wants to stay in touch and get together with you a couple times per month.

Thank you very much for the kind words :)

Well, things have changed again, though I'm going to take it as temporary. " You're so stupid I don't care about you" "I'm glad I'm going back to a place where people are normal". It seems the child phase has taken over. How he is going to hold down a very responsible job I can't imagine. But I am hoping he will stay stable for longer. Sometimes it all seems so wearing and hopeless.