BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

In another thread, Kells76 got my wheels turning about ways we can best communicate with our loved ones with BPD. I've read so many articles & books with tips about how to communicate effectively with a loved one with BPD. The articles are very vague, in my opinion, and don't often give clear examples. Kells76 shared some learned advice in another thread that was a huge light bulb for me, so I thought I'd share.

"One non-intuitive skill when wanting to make a relationship better with a pwBPD is --
when it comes to words, less is more. It's HOW we do, not WHAT we say, that communicates the most. ...The non-intuitive skill of 'less is more' has to do with gauging the vibes of the interaction while using as little left-brain-overwhelming stuff as possible.  ...With "broadly normal" people we can do that with words that mean what the words mean. With pwBPD, we may have to approach it "perpendicularly" -- we test the waters, use fewer words, and leave a lot of non-claustrophobic "space" for them to respond. ...I think that's part of what's so nonintuitive about interacting with someone with BPD -- we really, really can't rely on "words that are said". It's HOW we do the interactions that communicates so much more. ...So we have a balance to maintain -- not "sugarcoating" things or "babying" her, that is, still communicating what needs to be communicated, and not saving her from managing her own responses, with an understanding that we can still communicate the "core" or "vibe" of what we need to, yet in a different way than we usually would."

Here is what I was wanting to communicate to my partner I'm on a "break" with:
"Hi, I don’t know the rules here. If this is overstepping a boundary, please tell me. No expectation to respond.  Just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking about you. Hope you are beginning to find some peace and some clarity.”

After considering Kells76's advice, here's what I said:

"By the way, you were right about that class at the gym. I did love it."

The response from the pwBPD was light and positive. "I'm shaking my head at you. I knew I was right!"

And that's all that was said, which is fine. I was able to communicate that I was thinking of her, without actually saying that and putting any kind of pressure for her to respond or not.

Please share any other tips you have learned over time. (Note: I know none of these things will be quick fixes or magic dust, but sharing best practices is what these boards are for, right?)

Just wanted to note, there is a good resource here on this site, of course: SET - Support Empathy Truth

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0