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I am finding myself getting so petty at wanting to know the truth.  Last week I found the text records indicating where my uBPDso was indeed in contact with people she was not supposed to be in contact with once I moved back in. These were people she had affairs (emotional and more).  I found this out after she walked out (again).  She keeps picking saying that I am lying and telling people untruths and fabricating details.  She wrote in a recent email - "if you would have listened to what I was saying you would have known."

Ummm - what about her actually telling me to my face, I am not acting out - I have not been in contact with either of these people.

As we continue to negotiate our things, house and finances - I know that I should not be petty, but I find myself engaging on this.  I do good for about 4 exchanges, then I fall into it.  I know better, what have others done to just not engage?  I do yoga, meditate, try to stay centered, but I find myself getting worked up.  She just emailed that I should have some compassion for her - really?  I have been in therapy with her for 8 mos (couples), supported her therapist, her psychiatrist and see my own psychiatrist.   How on earth could I be more compassionate?  I am doing anything that I can and she still walked out again.

I just want out - I really do.  She is dragging it all out and it is getting to my ability to not react at all to her. Advise Anyone?

do you have a lawyer? if so, you send her a registered letter, that she has to sign for, stating that all further communication with you must go to your lawyer

then you get a new phone number, new email address, etc and stick firmly to NC - block all incoming messages from all her known numbers - pay for call display and screen all calls

if you don't have a lawyer, consider getting one ASAP

Thanks Shane - I was just hoping to not have to go this route.

I talked to a lawyer yesterday and should just hire I suppose.  I really was hoping simple, but I am guessing not so much, huh... .

sometimes we need a lawyer - how did the talk with the lawyer go?

if she keeps contacting after you ask her not to, you can then file for a restraining order

remember, you cannot reason with crazy

I talked more about our joint assets and what I had brought into the marriage vs. what is joint.  I really thought that separating the "stuff" would be easier.  I am more just tired of the denial that she brought this on herself and the fact that she keeps telling me that I am making things up.  I know not to react - I just find myself doing it and that doesn't help the situation.

when you feel like you're in reaction mode, write out what you want to say, but don't send it

as long as you don't hit send, you're fine

it will be awhile before you no longer react - you're only human

it's like getting toxins out of your system

her opinions, thoughts, beliefs, denial, misconceptions, twisted thinking, etc... .none of that stuff defines who you are

ive written so many letters that I never sent! I find its very theraputic to write it all down. It helps you sort out your thoughts. I re-read what I wrote and some of it sounds petty or stupid and delete it and it kind of deletes from my head too.

Addressing the first part of this conundrum: The lying and denying of the use and attempts at engaging other people to offset their anxiety.

Borderlines are like drug addicts in a way. They use people for attention the way an addict uses a substance. Unfortunately, Humans are not as controlled as a powder, pills or booze- Humans actually have the nerve to walk away. This creates more anxiety about their ability to get rid of anxiety. It is also a Catch-22 because Borderlines are using a Human stand-in for a hypercritical superego- the internal voice of their hypercritical and stifling parent. Even if the stand-in replacement remained steadfast in their love and patience for a Borderlines anxiety- the Borderline would not believe it- and the subsequent anxiety would cause frantic searching for another Human that would give a more reliable dose of calm. That's usually only a person that *hasn't* been split black- a person that does not offer a realistic approximation of the Borderline's faults. These people are out there on the fringe, as representations of *what could be*- they rarely exist as reasonable relationships because they are hidden and cloistered by the Borderline and kept secret for use at times of anxiety. This keeps them at a safe distance and doesn't threaten the *drug's power* from becoming less potent.

Meanwhile, back at home, you are wondering what's going on. The addict will lie, deceive and promise you that there is nothing going on. Often times the Borderline will see your questioning as an invasion of privacy. Who are you to inquire about these other people? Surely you are a jealous control freak. Shame and Guilt are big defense mechanisms to project onto you. There's nothing fair about life with Borderline Personality Disorder.

At a certain point, you'll need to come to the realization that the disorder is an interactive illness. Unlike quitting smoking, their use of people in Human stand-ins cannot be stopped cold turkey in their brain.  They have a hypercritical superego that plays on a looped tape. We all need to relate and respond to others. Borderlines project their superego critical voices onto those who get close enough.

Let go, even with a heavy heart. This wasn't done on purpose to you- it is an illness. They dont have a better way to handle things- they use people, especially people who open up their hearts and let others in. No amount of therapy is going to help a Borderline gain an empathic sense of right and wrong in your favor-or a sense that all's well because you love them. It's not going to happen in the future either. You can walk away and someone else will take your place and the same process will assert itself. It is entirely one sided and choreographed.

It is a sad, sorry state and you tried to help. It's time to lay down the battle ax and disengage with compassion and understanding and resign yourself to accepting that this person is ill.

With more time and distance between you- the sadness will soon lessen. Not trying to make sense of the Borderline's nonsense is the best remedy to the madness. The reality is, that you once loved a person, tried to help and couldn't and had to let go for your own best interest. Grieve the relationship as a small death- and never forget that what you once had is gone.  One or more of the people on the list of *what could be* may take your place- but dont make the mistake thinking that they will have better luck than you did. In time, you'll feel better.

Thank you for your post 2010.  I read it as she is here packing and trying to engage (I did fall a couple times).  It is so hard to watch the denial and her play the victim role.  I am angry, sad and frustrated all at one time.  Her denial and blame of me is so very sad.