BPDFamily.com

Hi all. Detaching from a romantic partner/spouse is a very difficult thing for many of us. For me personally, it was excruciating. A very painful process. I share a young child with my ex, and that made it very hard to let go of the situation. 3 big breakups and mini breakups that I lost count of. You all know how these things go.

Anyway, I’m curious about what has gotten better for you since you’ve successfully detached. I set 3 goals for myself after I took some time to settle into the grieving process. Those things are working on myself, becoming the best father that I can be and my career. All three are doing well. I can see big changes in myself. I’m a much better listener (empathy) and a better communicator (empathy). Radical Acceptance has been a big game changer for me. It took me quite a while to really grasp it, but it has been huge. I’m able to be completely open and available for my Son. I’m no longer stuck in negative emotions over his mom. There is the occasional sting, but I’m able to move past it quickly now. It doesn’t upend my day anymore. I was promoted into a leadership role at work. The tools work great in this setting. It’s been a great example for me to see them work in situations that don’t involve BPD.

What has gotten better for you since you’ve detached? What is your POV on why those things have improved for you?

Definitely better overall.

Job hunting remains difficult because I've been looking for so long and am weary of getting ignored or turned down. We are getting by OK, but I need better work. I get discouraged at times and have a hard time focusing. I put in three applications yesterday and contacted a recruiter, so that was good progress. I keep in mind that this is for me, not because I'm in a rotten state where I should be retired instead of sending out resumes. There's a difference.

I agree that radical acceptance has helped me. It turned me away from blame and shame and helped me just let go of the past for what it was. Even still in the divorce process, it doesn't bother me anymore. I know that it will end when it ends and that I have a good lawyer. That's enough. I handle what I can and let go of the rest.

Not long ago a friend said that I should write out what happened for others to learn from. Never, ever. And she doesn't even know most of it. Why would I want to relive it in depth with a tell-all narrative? I found that drop-kicking old memories and focusing on the present is the only way to really move on. Sometimes I talk about the ups-and-downs of the divorce process with a more recent friend who went through something similar, but otherwise even that isn't a topic of conversation. A friend of his who knows we are in the divorce process contacted me awhile back, wanting to know how he was doing. I wanted to say, ARE YOU KIDDING? But I was polite and said that I really didn't know and changed the subject.

So yes, healing and boundaries.