BPDFamily.com

We are separated but our divorce is not yet finalized. We are still co-parenting our kids but otherwise do not involve with each other's life.

Last week, all of a sudden, she told me she has changed her cell phone number in use in the last 15 years. She did this because she has received disturbing call from stranger. In the evening she called me and sounded anxious. She revealed the stranger is the person who has a business relationship with us and our kids. She asked me from now on to bring the kids to his location because she do not feel comfortable to see him.

Turns out he has been flirting with her. He has sexted her. She was not interested but she was not able to clearly tell him to stop. Instead she gave some mild responses of disapprove and disinterest. He just kept making sexual advance and sending her explicit stuff. It distressed her so much that she changed her number and wanted to avoid him.

Despite being still legally married, I do not feel violated. Nor am I really mad at him. I'm most surprised by my STBX's passiveness. She never clearly asked him to stop and allowed this to go on for two months. At the end she choose to avoid him rather than confront him.

I drafted her a text message to end this unambiguously. It says something clear and firm like "Sorry I was confused in the past. I want you to stop now... ." I asked her to update me on the progress. But I have yet to hear from her. I know her well. I don't think she will send this. She has great difficulty to act even mildly assertive. Even when she was harassed and distressed, she is not capable to object but rather turn inward and suffer in private. She detest those who cause her the pain. I know because I am often the one she detested whenever she suffered as a helpless child in the past. This is the main point of my post. I've left. But she hasn't changed.

FYI, We have discussed about switching to another business but the kids like it and she do not feel this is necessary.

Hi half-life   

Sounds like a frustrating situation. 

Is she getting any counseling?  Looks like you may have your work cut out for you to make sure your children don't learn this behavior.

If she sends it, she needs to make sure she takes the necessary steps to send the text anonymously, so her new phone number won't be discovered.  There are ways to do that, but she would need to take certain steps to accomplish that.

Did she try blocking the sender on her phone? 

In this case the children are not aware of this. But I always wonder what the kids would have learned from her in their day to day interactions. She was seeing a therapist on and off.


She was not aware of this option. Had she spoke with me first, I would have advise against changing her number. Now it is so embarrassing when she has to message that guy to ask him to stop. Bad choice.

Why do you believe this?
My ex did this all the time while we were together.
They need the attention so they keep it going, believing they are "controlling" it.
The "stranger" was gradually revealed to you. Apparently this person is not really a stranger at all as he is known to both of you. From my experience when this is revealed gradually at a perfectly measured meter, it's to test you and evaluate your response before steering the discussion where they want to take it.

As you say, if she wanted to end it, she could have.  All she needs to do is BLOCK his number and if you both have a business relationship with this "stranger" who is not really a stranger you could deal with him. But she didn't.  I think you're being played.

She was genuinely disturbed. She was not the kind of person who intentionally manipulate others.


That's the point. It is obvious to you and me what to do. But for her, she feels she was coerced into something she had no control over. She harbored a lot of resentment as a result. This one episode depicts the story of us.