BPDFamily.com

I found a Dad parenting course (and good husband course) 1 night/wk for 10 weeks in my town. It seemed fantastic - covering being engaged with the kids, good health/fitness, treating your wife well. I showed it to my uBPDw for her comment - saying it looked great, I was interested and what did she think?

When we talked about it, she started agreeing, saying it was a good course. Then slowly she started to discredit it. Saying "you ARE already a good engaged dad", "it's aimed at a different market", "you know most of that stuff". When she realised I WANTED to go she got more and more annoyed. Then she said "I thought you wanted my opinion on the course". I said I did - and that I would consider her thoughts in my decision to go or not.

She then pretty much said "Why did you want my opinion if you aren't going to do what i say?". Then she ended with "you shouldn't go on this course because this isn't a priority for us. I feel so bullied and scared in this relationship - THAT's what you should be working on."

So if I ask her opinion it's binding?
And me being a better person threatens her?

It was kinda amusing... .

Idk if you was just sharing or if was wondering some answers to questions but anyways... .Anytime we better ourselves or something good happens to us or we advance in life from what I have read and been told BPDs view that as your gonna abandon them, they will be and will feel alone/lonely, sometimes view as a slight, etc. As far as view points being binding I have noticed with my bf's mother its more when she is disregulated or her mind regresses to more child likeness. Now when she asks something of my bf like 'if you go out to eat get me something will you get me something' or when she keeps asking over and over and gets pushy n wont be silent she will say 'will you take me later to buy me this or that' and he says he will think about it she takes that as promising even though he never promised and those words i promise never came out of his mouth. When she doesnt get what she wants she will whine like a child and be like 'You proomissssed' and throw a fit or get angry or be verbally emotionally abusive etc. So I suppose its same as view pts being binding but she does both what you described and the rest of what I described more of the later though the the former.

Like Rock Chick says, if it sounds like it might upset the status quo apple cart, then it becomes threatening.  And yes, a pwBPD's 'opinion' is binding. O_o 

Also, anything that sounds like it might include any sharing of home life sounds scary, too, because there is some drive that often kicks in to prevent the super irrational behavior from being shown to outsiders, so the idea of any self-improvement workshop will probably include talking about how things stand at home NOW. 

Also, if you get outside validation that you are a good dad, that you are a good husband, then you might not react "properly" when your W thinks you are NOT a good husband or dad.  So the idea of the class/workshop became a threat, and her opinion about that threat is more important than anything else, or in her mind you don't care about her. 

I hear this differently. I hear her giving you important information that you seem to be pushing aside because she isn't confirming what you expected to hear. When she said "I feel so bullied and scared in this r/ship and that's what you need to work on," she may be giving you important information. Did you explore this? Did you ask what she meant?

We can get very caught up in our own framework, especially when proud of our own good intentions, and forget to listen.

PatientandClear's point is a really good one. This is not a message to toss aside.

So true.  Last time I checked non's have their own issues, sometimes as much as someone with BPD.  Why would she feel bullied and scared?  I hate admitting it, but there were many times I bullied my wife when she made me mad or when I was feeling I was getting a raw deal in the r/s.  Often times we forget about our own abuse in the r/s when we are merely reacting to their abuse.  We feel that "they started it" so our abuse is really kind of ok.  The truth is that it is never ok, period.

RE: "I feel so bullied... ."

This is her go-to in every arguement at the moment. I un-enmeshed myself about 3 years ago and stopped taking on her emotions. I validate more, but I allow her to sit with her emotions as well. I am not easily manipulated any more. I insist on having my own time and make sure i go out with friends one night/fortnight - always against her will.

She takes her loss of control over me as "feeling unsafe". And she takes me having a voice, and an equal say in our affairs as me "bullying" (like the parenting course example - I didn't "listen to her" because I didn't do what she told me to - so she feels bullied!)

Exactly she feels bullied.  I'm not blaming you bro, but that is how she feels. Is it crazy?  Of course, but it isn't less real to her.