BPDFamily.com

Hi,

So me and my partner of nearly two decades are going through a reconcile. We've made some progress but yesterday my partner got very insecure and angry because I waved at someone of the opposite sex, in passing. They are from the same job location as me.
This has been an ongoing issue for years and years and no matter what I say or do she keeps coming back around to this same subject and same argument time after time.

I have never cheated physically or emotionally. I do not flirt with others. I believe that I show love every single day. Why are we having the same argument time after time? Even though it's been addressed so many times?

I really can't cope with it anymore.

EDIT:
Sorry, I should have also mentioned that last week I found out she has signed up to a dating agency. Which is something I have not discussed with her.
I did ask her if she is happy with me and if she has ever spoke to another man behind my back since our reconciliation a couple months ago.
She said absolutely not. She has no interest in other men at all. She has told me that she loves me, everything about me and she wants to be with me forever.

This is a tough one. People with BPD have very low self-esteem, which naturally leads to massive insecurity. It sounds like you're doing everything you can on your end to reassure her and not cause her to doubt you.

In the example you gave, does she think you're cheating on her (or may do so in the future) with the woman you waved at? Or is the wave in itself the problem in her eyes?

The only other thing I can think of would be to give her access to your phone and email whenever she wants so she can see for certain that you aren't communicating inappropriately with anyone else. To be clear, I wouldn't blame you if you refused to do this, as it obviously violates some boundary issues. But if you really want to make it work with her, this may help.

What are your thoughts about her signing up with the dating agency? Are you planning to address that with her? Especially given her insecurities about what you do, I would think it'd be a significant double standard if she had a problem with you addressing that issue.

She has access to my phone/emails etc whenever she wants. There's no issue there and she does flick through it now and again.

She does has low self esteem but like you say, I believe I am doing everything possible to help with that. I cannot do anymore.
That is probably what causes her insecurities and I understand this but I've gone over and over the same argument for years and years now and it's wearing me thin. I just don't know what else I can do to help her manage it.

With the dating agency thing. I feel betrayed and disgusted and heartbroken. I don't know how I can bring it up though?
I've since found out that she is looking at flights to go see a man too. But that too I don't know how to confront her as she doesn't like me looking at her phone and I saw it in her internet history.

Heartbroken again. I can't afford to move out or go anywhere. I am physically and financially stuck here :(

Especially since she has access to your phone and emails, you really are doing everything you possibly can to reassure her that she can trust you. Have you ever asked her what else she needs you to do? Otherwise, I'm at a loss for words there - at some point, the ball is in her court. That has to be emotionally exhausting for you.

I'm sure you realize the major double standard in play here whereby she has access to your phone, yet you don't have access to hers. And for her to be so insecure about you possibly cheating, yet be cheating (or planning to cheat) on you at that exact moment, is obviously hypocritical.

On the other hand, it sounds like you can't leave at this time. Is it possible that you'd at least have the option of moving out at some point in the next few months? Or are you stuck there for the long term?

I ask that just in an effort to try to help you come up with a solution where you can respectfully confront her about it without risking being homeless.

It is emotionally exhausting. I’ve done everything to make her feel wanted, special and secure. I cannot do anything else.
The only thing she told me I can do to help her insecurity is to quit my job!

I did actually tell her thst it’s exhausting for me so she told me she didn’t want me anymore.

Right now I have no savings to move out and know where to go. It would take at least a year for me to save.

That's obviously an unfair request - to have to quit your job. Sounds like a very difficult situation.

Would she possibly be open to you two "taking a break" but continuing to live together? That way, you'd still have a place to stay, you could continue saving up money, and you wouldn't be as "trapped" in her web.