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I have been going through this all for the last 15 years and I think it is time to take care of myself.

She has again mentioned a split, then went on two rants out of anger telling me that she considered us divorced, then went back on it when she wasn't angry.  But she never, ever has said she was sorry in our whole marriage, not even when she had an affair the last time she said we should separate.

She is hurting my kids talking to them about it and I need to take better care of my own psyche, which has been tortured to death for 15 years.

Hi Yogi Bear,


Yowza, 15 years.  I agree, it's time to focus you taking care of yourself now. 

I don't know about you, but I found/find it difficult to take care of myself.  Taking care of myself is my albatross; I guess its a trait of co-dependency.  So of course it's hard, why else would I have chosen to be with such difficult people (pwBPD), if it were the easier of the two.

Don't be discourage if you find it difficult at times.  It gets easier with practice.


That's awfully convenient don't you think? When it suits her, she considers herself "divorced" and when it suits her, you're still married to her.  Let me tell you, you will not miss her caprice.  Nor will you miss her double-standard.

If you ever find yourself missing her, ask yourself: do you see her as ever begin capable of putting your interests ahead of her own?  That is, when her feelings are on the line, do you ever see her as someone who would support you *in spite* of it hurting her feelings?  Or does she only support you when her feelings are aligned (i.e., when it suits her)?

Is that not a deal breaker when it comes to a partnership, or a marriage? 


What she's probably doing with the kids is called emotional incest.  And it may help you to document this in some why to demonstrate that at times she is an inappropriate parent.  And yes, it will hurt them.

Best wishes, Schwing

yogi sorry to hear this. Its important to be prepared and have affairs in order.

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/carver.pdf)

All the best to you

CM

Thanks Schwing and Clearmind.

When she got back from vacation yesterday, she was distant.  I asked her to talk and she put it all on me.  She said every time she said anything about separating or divorce was because she was mad or angry about something else.  She had told me that she wanted me to stay, then gave me an ultimatum that if I left that I would never be able to come back.

I had gone to talk to my son out of the house and when I came back she had my 2 daughters in their bedroom telling them about the ultimatum and how I chose to desert them.  They were both balling.  Then, she left the room, I comforted them and they calmed down. 

When I went into our bedroom to gather some clothes, she starts blaming me again.  Then, in an angry rage she gets out of bed and comes at me throwing punches while my hands are full of clothes.  Then, as I walked down the hall she tried to shove me down the stairs.  I just walked away as I knew not to respond to that.  My youngest daughter was very upset.  My BPDw then called my mother after I left and begged her to make me come back.

Hi yogi bear, I've been in your shoes, friend, and can relate to what you are going through.  The so-called "ultimatum" in my view is just another example of manipulation from the FOG arsenal, i.e., fear in this case.  To give you an example, my exBPDw used to threaten suicide on a regular basis as a similar type of manipulation.  Lining up the kids against you is another form of manipulation, i.e., obligation.  Calling your mother is yet another example of manipulation.

Try to take a deep breath and remember to check your gut: what are your gut feelings about what is going on?

You have a challenging road ahead, yogi, and sometimes it's hard to find the right path.  You are doing the right thing, though, in my view, and I admire your courage.

Hang in there,

LuckyJim

Yogi Bear,

Something I remind myself is this saying I heard in the movie "Weatherman".  Nicholas Cage is a weatherman and is going through alot of different stuff in his life, I will say this much the movie is not to be watched well the kids are up, or if Grandma is over for a visit.  Anyway Micheal Cane plays his father.  And Micheal Cane tells him that "In life the hard thing to do and the right thing to do are usuaully the same thing."  So, I have chosen to do the harder things in life.  I hope you will too. 

i made the mistake of going home for lunch to check on the kids, and my BPDw was begging me too.  She basically just wanted me to commit to staying with her, and the longer she didn't get what she wanted the more dramatic she got.  Then, right before I finally was about to leave(after being coaxed into not leaving her for 2 hours), she acted like she might kill herself, went into the bathroom and lay on the floor with and empty can of Lice spray.  It was all for attention.

Yogi, OK - if this happens again please leave the house when she rages. Without alarming you these can escalate and she could call the police for false allegations.

What is your plan?

clearmind,

After the incident at lunchtime today, I think it would be best if I don't go to the house for now.  She is seriously trying to get me to agree to come back and when I don't commit, the drama begins.

However, I feel really bad about our 3 kids who are S16, D14, and D12.  They have seen a lot from their mother for years, but I feel like I am leaving them to fend for themselves.  I can tell they are hurting and that hurts me bad.

Yogi, I think that is wise for now until things calm down.

Reach out to the kids that they can call you at anytime. Do they have cells?

Hello again, Yogi,

It's a little spooky for me because the scenario that you describe at lunch today is one that I have experienced myself, many times.

You're right; it's all drama, but that doesn't make it any easier on you.

I agree w/Clearmind: it may be wise to stay away until things calm down a little.  Hopefully you can reach out to your kids via cell phone or email.

Your BPDw, I'm guessing, will try to convince you that you are the party at fault.

A friend once said something to me that I found helpful: "it doesn't matter how many times someone tells me the sky is green, I still know it's blue."

Perhaps you can remind yourself that the sky IS blue, despite what your BPDw might be saying to you.

Hang in there, LuckyJim

Thanks to all of you.

She did call me yesterday as soon as I got out of work and told me to come get some stuff of mine that she boxed up.  She had some attitude, but she had put the stuff in the garage and pretty much guarded the door to the house. 

My kids do have cells, and I am talking and texting them several times a day.   My son is angry and showing it, and daughters upset too.  I had a tough night, really worrying about the kids and wondering if I did the right thing.  I know I did, but I can't help but feel guilty.

The thing is, even though I wanted to leave, that wasn't what I came out and said to her.  She was in another state with her family and 2 of our kids.  In her fits of anger, she told me twice in 2 weeks to either leave by June 1 or that she considered us divorced.  So after the second time, she kept pushing me to tell her if I was going to stay and I told her we would talk after she got back from her vacation.  After being pushed and pushed, I finally said that I was considering 2 things, either staying and marriage counseling or separating and counseling.  She ran with the second and gave me an ultimatum.  So, I said it would be best if I left and get myself in order.  She didn't like that at all.

My BPDw called me at work and wanted me to tell her if I was willing to try to repair our marriage.  She now wants to go to marriage counseling and wants to know if I will commit to repairing our marriage. 

I told her that I wasn't sure if things were fixable, told her I do shelter some of the blame for not communicating how I felt for so long.  This stuff really hurts her I know, but she is pushing me for a committal answer that I can't give her.

I will say that I am not 100% certain, but I do feel that our relationship will always have these flaws that I can't let go.

Am I wrong for not just shutting the door to this marriage and telling her point blank that it is over?

Hey Yogi, I'm sorry to hear of your predicament.  My suggestion is that you take your time here.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Try to think below the neck!  Your BPDw is trying to pressure you, as usual, and doing her best at manipulation, such as giving you an ultimatum which seems to have backfired on her.  Don't start blaming yourself for "sheltering your feelings"!  You are not at fault.  It's almost impossible to communicate directly with a pwBPD due to the explosive nature of their personalities, so naturally we tend to let our feelings go underground.  In my view, a relationship with a pwBPD has a fundamental flaw because those w/BPD don't foster open communication of feelings.  So give yourself a break.

In my marriage to my BPDexW she frequently tried to create artificial deadlines in our relationship, which again were efforts to manipulate.  Don't rush into anything before you think it through.  Hang in there, LuckyJim