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Today after going low contact since december 3 rd ex sends me a text " hey, how are you". She still has not returned engagement ring and basically been no contact since i left. I asked her what really went on here. She proceeds to tell me she misses me and still loves me but the fighting was to much. I bring to her attention 9 blow outs she had with me from october 1st to thanksgiving. Each one was her in a full blown rage calling me sc... .,pi... .Of s... ., and so on. On december 4 th she was sceduled for ivf transplant and on the 3rd backed out and ended relationship. I asked her what was it about me that caused you to go into full blown rages. She answers " i dont know". . She admits she has major trust, insecurity and jeolousy issues. Also always claimed she was lonely. She has no answers of why she would continuosly fight with me. This was a 6 year relationship and have been struggling to really try and make this work. Her father died when she was 9, diagnosed as bipolar and prescribed lamictal. I dont see any bipolar traits just borderline. She has been in 4 relationships prior to ours and is the mother of a 13 year old son. Never before married and of course every previous partner cheated.

Is this charming or just trying to feel me out? I have a severelly disabled 10 year old daughter that she was amazing to and had a wonderful bond with and is asking to see her and that she misses her deeply.

Just trying to get closure from her and it seems she cant give any.

My relationship was not as long as yours by a long run it was only a year and a half. However I don't think you can get closure from these type of people. Their emotions are very flimsy one second they love you next they hate you etc etc. From the outside looking in its clear that you can do better. No person should have to deal with that much stress no matter how attractive she is. She will likely continually come back to you because and forgive me for being blunt she knows you'll take her back that's how it was in my relationship. Work on you and more importantly why you were drawn to her. Furthermore there will be other women who will love your daughter, I know you can't see it now but they are definitely out there man. You sexy person you :D

Thank you for the encouraging words. Yes, no doubt a very pretty woman 12 years younger.There were so many red flags raised early on including words from her family that she lies and tells stories. Has painted every ex black and has very little contact with her sons father and he seems like he s still shell shocked 12 years after the breakup. I tried to talk to her brother about our issues on thanksgiving and his answer was she s bipolar. I guess as a police officer/paramedic its my nature to help people. Even knowing she was damaged goods didnt really realize what BPD was until recently. Im sure the charming will continue but like i presented to her i just wanted to know what i did wrong in this relationship and she actually stated she doesn't know. The painful part is for the first 4 and a half years her son was very overprotective of her and didnt even want me staying overnight. The past year we bonded and our relationship blossomed and introduced me to everyone as his" stepdad" and i will deeply miss him. The craziness is no one knew what transpired behind closed doors because she s actually high functioning. Sadly i hope her son is not scarred seeing every relationship she s in end badly with no stability. He was reallt pushing for the marriage as well.

Hey Lexisdad,

I can relate to your confusion. I'm also in the rescue/ems field and I also just went through a relapse into contact with my pwBPD. Prior to that I was left with so many questions and tons of anger and hurt from the rages and some of her other hurtful behavior that I did not deserve. I missed her a lot and her brief reappearance in my life gave me an opportunity to vent and ask questions and further convince myself that she is what she it. I am just more convinced that she will never be the stable, loving partner that I crave in my life. So I have reinstated NC and with more conviction. I seems that we are in the same boat.

The reality is the first 9 months were the honeymoon stage. I had sent her emails dating back to 2010 about her unjustified rages and insecurity and trust issues. I tried so hard to make every holiday, birthday and special occasion a great time and i can not think of one time where the day before it was not full blown rage over something insignificant. Sadly you are right i dont think she will ever be able to be in a loving caring relationship. I actually beleive i was starting to develop a trauma bond from the constant berating and outbusts of rage. As is typical with BPD she see s nothing wrong with her behavior and im sure has painted me black to her family. Sadly in October while at her mothers picking up her son she went into one of her rages on the phone. Her own mother said " I would leave, why do you put up with this" I'm sure her family realizes she has more than bipolar disorder!  Gonna try nc and heal from the damage. Being in my profession of a police officer i knew that there was gonna be a high risk of being accused of domestic violence so i never moved in. In her times of rage i would leave her house and be subjected to literally 90 phone calls non stop to continue her rage that i wouldnt answer. Her son was witness to two occasions where she punched me in my face and i just walked away. Totally regret putting up with this abuse because in reality the pain aint worth the prize.

Once again lastnight ex pwbd sends a text " whats going on and what are you up to? Reply back nothing much just home. Im trying to heal and not really ready to be out in social settings. She proceeds tell me that she s out for her girlfreinds bday but is really depressed over us and wants to go home to bed. Go s on to state this " sucks" referring to the breakup that she initiated. Proceeded to tell me she told her girlfreinds about the engagement ring she hasnt returned. Trying to make sense if she is charming or is really coming to her senses that she pushed me out of her life and now has regrets?

Stop doing this to yourself :/ she's only talking to you to keep you around because she knows you will. The moment she finds somebody else that catches her eye she'll stop talking to you or keep talking to you if that relationship goes sour. Either way nothing good comes of it because she won't change the rages the issues Will return. True NC means no responses  what's so ever, you got this you can do better, think about it she would have never broke up with you if this was truly how she felt hell she'd be going to therapy and making a consistent effort to make amends. Until she does that NC my friend

So i thought i would bring some humor. Bpdex contacts me today asking if she can see my daughter. I agree to meet with her as she still has the ring and says she has to run home first before meeting and i knew it was to get the ring. We meet at a restaurant and of course proceeds to tell me everything i did wrong in this relationship. I bring up her constant rages and of course they were all caused by me. I tell her listen 5 years of rages and the names you called are horrific along with the major trust and insecurity issues. She skirts right by that.

She returns the ring and we say our goodbyes. I leave heading home to drop my daughter off and texts begin. Drop my daughter off and head home and i return text thanks for returning ring. Im home packing for a training seminar and she starts ringing my phone. I dont answer and of course its 23 calls before the texts start. Of course im with someone and cant answer my phone according to her! I send a photo of my suitcase with timestamp of tv to prove it. She proceeds to tell me im nuts and thats why this wont work. She claims her psychiatrist told her she s cured of bipolar since our breakup and is off her lamictal!  I chuckle! I tell her listen your son is 13 now after me this will be the 6 th man in and out of your life he s been subjected to without any one staying. She go s ballistic tells me im crazy and she s blocking all contact! She go s into the full blown i hate you, i despise you and after tonight would never consider getting back with me.

Well that we shall see. I have the ring back and tonight realized this woman as pretty and sexy as she is is so deeply affected with BPD that there is absolutelly no hope and i wipe my hands of her.

Lexisdad,

Good for you! It seems like we take some pretty hard knocks before we feel capable your decision. I have felt like I was there on a number of occasions. There has been a number of times that I've chose to continue the exposure. I'm so glad you have a clear message of what she is suffering from, and you sound like you realize that you don't deserve to subject yourself to her yo-yo love life. Right now I'm in the same boat. I've had no contact since Tuesday and more of the FOG is lifting.

A wise friend once said that LOVE is the active care for the growth and development of that which we love. In my case I realize that my former lover is not getting better with me around and neither am I. I love her so I will let her grow and develope by my stepping back. Also, I am learning to love myself. In this case loving myself also requires that I step away and take a different path.

It s now been 4 hours of her in a full blown rage after saying nc. She claims now theres no chance of reconciliation. Im shaking my head. I finally had to tell her, read i hate you, dont leave me. I replied to one text that i never once raged at her or called her any names and that she s ruined every relationship with her trust and insecurities and i doubt any of the previous guys cheated as she claimed. She s in a complete tailspin now and will most likely take 2 days to get back to earth.

At this point im refusing to suffer her wrath of fury and put myself in a state of depression. They dont want to hear the truth and i told her you cant handle the truth. You pushed a loving, caring, deeply committed man out of your life and im no longer dealing with it. I didnt cause if, i cant control it and i cant cure it. They have no epidermis, no remorse and will project everything they can back on us. She even went as far as telling me when we said goodbye earlier i had tears and that was a fake act.

There is no doubt this is the most emotional 6 year roller coast ride ive been on. Ive had enough and after tonight i ll be ok. She didnt like hearing the truth tonight. Of course she barraged with the i hate you, i despise you diatribe. I told her thats the real you and she cant handle it. Truth is she ll have no problem attracting men bcuz the two priors were both nice looking good guys that i knew of. She ate them up and spit em out within 6 months. Someone else will fall for the trap unless she really admits she has BPD and go s for therapy.

There you go man sorry you had to deal with this. If it's not you it'll be someone else just worry about YOU. and think about what drew you to her. For me to be 100% honest my ex is the most beautiful girl I've ever dated like model status that and the bits of her personality made me put up with her. There is something called an abundance mentality with dating it basically means when you know you can get a girl at any time you won't trip off just one, why? Because you can get another one. I don't have that hence why I didn't want to let her go. Evaluate yourself like I did as to why you put up with it do NOT fall for it again. The solution for me is to work on game and myself since physical attraction is important to me, you find your solution and run with it. Now while your still mad and upset delete and block her from phone social media etc. You'll be better off then, it'll be hard but you'll be ok.

Hey jujux,

Your words are right on key. Fact is when things were good they were good. In reality, how often were they good. I think in reality the text i sent her regarding not being able to establish one relationship that has lasted and the men she s subjected her son to really rang her bell. He used to ask all the time how come mkms not married yet and that he wanted a sibling. Each of her brothers and sister are married happily with children. The fact is she will now subject her child to another man coming into his life and when he go s the pattern will continue. She needs to come to realization at some point that she s pushing good men out of her life for a reason. Most men dont walk away from a woman with model looks unless there forced to.

I wish her the best and will always love her but comes a time the pain aint worth the prize especially after she reverted right back to her" i hate you" self tonight. How many times can you really have someone tell you they hate you. She also beleives since she s " cured" of her bipolar she s good. Well i saw no bipolar and only BPD and we all know unless your in strict therapy theres no pill curing you.

There you go man I wish you the best! I make it seem like a no Brainer but I still think about my ex every moment man It sucks because you and I know we truly love this person but how can someone who doesn't love themselves love us? I know dude trust me, there was a time when I wished I could take on half of my ex's issues just because I loved her so much. But the painful question is would she do the same for you? Don't look at what she says remember the things she has DONE is that your ideal girlfriend? If she was a friend would you keep that person in your life? We know the answer but being emotionally invested ruins us, my hope is we can find someone who we feel as strongly about. Something else to consider, something I still have trouble admitting, take sex out of the equation and would you have stayed? :/

Taking the sex out of the equation probally not. Once again today after she texts me hates me last night nd " im crazy" and she s never contacting me she texts. The text is im very upset about what happened last night. I dont reply. Its the typical push/ pull again. I even suggested we go speak to her psychiatrist and her answer was " what, so you can bash me". The bottom line is i rung her bell last night when telling her that her son has not seen her have one stable relationship yet and every man who s come in her life is gone. That speaks volumes in itself. In this day and age for a 36 year old woman as pretty as she is to not have been able to have a solid relationship is a real issue. She ll continue to subject her son to her craziness as he s mentioned it to me why is mom always so mad at you you did nothing.

At this point we know she texted me to once again continue her text war today. If i told someone i hated them i certainly would not be texting them today. Just gotta stay strong because in reality if she had gotten herself into therapy i wouldve tried to stick it out. The problem is that this is normal to them and you cant be rational with irrational.

Exactly. What I plan to do if ever my ex contacts me again is to tell her straight up until you get some serious therapy and work on yourself I'm not going to try to take you back. I think you should adopt a similar personality. Until she does a 360 stay away from her like a plague

After 2 days no contact BPD ex sends me a text " whats going on" after 2 days no contact. I answer back and she proceeds in a very nice back and forth with me. Tells me whats going on with her son and proceeds to tell me she still loves me and cares for me. I really need some help here. Is she having second thoughts? Realizing she pushed me away? Is this normal for persons with BPD? Any input would be appreciated because i really cant figure her out anymore.   

Hey man haha you probably are tired of me but it updates me haha. I'd say no, she just wants you back to use you because now she's like oh crap he can actually leave! I'm sure you've had moments where you thought  she'll be Better! After my ex hadn't talked to me really for weeks she randomly texted me one day "hey babe I'm sorry I've been busy with school but I love you I didnt mean to neglect you" as you can imagine I was happy my woman is letting me know she loves me and is busy? OK I'll hang in there! 5 days later I was single because I felt like just a friend and she couldn't handle the distance. Be very careful Lexisdad

So im 1200 miles away from home visiting my mom. Ive been basically nc still. She still feels the need to text me over insignificant things such as the snowstorm coming this weekend or when i'm coming home.Proceeds to tell me she joined the gym when in 6 years never went. Last night she s in urgent care for " bronchitis". Tonight texts me tells me she was at gym for 2 hours and zumba class for an hour! I check the class schedule for the gym theres no zumba tonight! Do the b------t and lies ever stop! Why does she feel the need to tell me about her day and basically stupid s--t! It s almost comical now that she feels need to text me every day and then ask if she can see my daughter for her birthday next weekend! More stories then Walt Disney and thinks i beleive them while she was probally out with her next victim and decides to text me when she gets home. Maybe feeling a bit guilty or just typical BPD!

Wow! I also work in law enforcement :)

I am glad to be reading this thread. It helps me to remember to stay strong. These individuals just do not want to be held accountable. I am breaking contact tomorrow but only as an exercise for myself, I hope, to try to let go with grace. I am leaving him a birthday present  because I am going to be in town returning the plates to my old car. And because we were married for 9 years. He lives two hours away from me. I have not had contact for two weeks. The last few texts were civil. We have not had face to face since October but if we happen to I am not expecting much. I hope he does not try to draw me back in. If he does, I am planning on saying that I know we have to talk more about what to do, but we do not have to have that talk on his birthday. I am going to try to use the tools mentioned on this site and see if it helps.

My story is a little similar in ways with yours. My ex came back into my life 26 years after we were broken up by my mom as teens.  When I tried months later to get back with her she loved me then she didn't . Push /Pull.My ex was normal when I dated her . After our break up I heard she went crazy and wound up in a mental hospital. From there at 14yo they diagnosed her as being Bipolar. But like you said my ex symptoms never added up with the "Bipolar" disorder she said she had. My ex like yours was a "Big" liar. Made up stories etc. I of course didn't find out until our relationship was over and I  started examining our FB messages etc. I was so blinded by her that I did not see the "Red Flags " waving high in the wind. She also spoke about how every guy she was ever with "cheated" on her etc. I also believe those to be lies as well. You know everyone takes the blame but them. Projection at its finest. I myself never got closure either with my ex. She was the love of my life. Only to come back many many years later and  break my heart again. Her excuse to me for the breakup was she felt we were not compatible. Which of course was lies. So I never got my closure either.

The irony is once again tonight texts me telling me im distant and unless she contacts me there's no contact. What the heck goes thru their heads. Here i was willing to have a child with this woman and engagement and you destroy that. How else should i be but distant. Of course tonight it's can she see my daughter next weekend for her birthday. I'm 49 years old, have seen more than my fair of s--t in life, was at the wtc for 9/11 and this womans got my head screwed up like never before. I still love her and care for her deeply but in reality i'm not gonna let her use my daughter as a crutch to think she still has a connection to me. She ' s a liar, has no empathy and is an emotional vampire who i tried to be nothing but nice to and tried to love and care for. I know i'm the kind of man to crawl thru 3 miles of broken glass to make someone i love happy.

Sadly,after being married for 11 years my daughters condition took a toll on my marriage and my ex wife and i parted. She is remarried and we are still best of freinds. In 11 years i can count on one hand the fights we had. She is an amazing mother and an amazing woman and was nothing but nice to my BPDex and grateful for the way she treated her daughter. Unfortunatelly the jeoulosy and insecurity of my BPDex led her to beleive i was still having sex with my ex wife. Towards the end i told her the only women you havent accused me of having sex with is your mother and sister.

The irony is heres a woman told me she hated me so often, you' re a piece of s--t and you still feel the need to text me almost daily. You wanted to end the relationship then end it. The fact is i could never trust her again nor will i ever subject myself to her hateful rages ever again for a million bucks. I don't need her as a freind if you couldn't treat me with respect that i deserved the time together. I'm not the kind of man to be mean and hurtful but it's coming to point where im gonna ask her what is point of you texting me everyday and to please just leave me be because it was your decision to end it so end it! 

I am so sorry for what you have been going through. But yes I also live in NY and my ex lived in NY. She married and moved to Canada. And of course is divorced.  My ex sounds a lot like yours in certain areas . She would pull sh*t on me like ending the relationship then would come back and tell me in was in my head and I was jumping to conclusions. I've found out she curled the drain with all her ex lovers. I to be honest didn't think anything of it until I myself figured out she is BPD and just got misdiagnosed. Stay away from her my friend. I know you love her .I know it's so hard. Mine was the love of my life. But they will never be "normal" .

No they will never be " normal". This week i've had so much time to reflect on the past 6 years and i'm not the kind of man to take s--t from anyone. How i let this woman manipulate and abuse and berate me has me amazed. I don't know if it was the porn star sex or her body or beauty that i was addicted to. In retrospect i ask myself what did she really bring to this relationship if it wasn't for that. She certainly wasnt affectionate and certainly wasn't a loving caring person. Very rarely said " I love you" and i'd ask her how come she would answer because you always say it first. At my age i would like to think i have my s--t together. Have a career, do not drink, take care of myself and most people think i'm 10 years younger. I beleive her family and son think i'm a good man and certainly could provide her everything a woman could ask for. Unfortunately they are not able to sustain a relationship. I'm staying strong and i'm sticking to my decision to not get sucked back in to the vortex.

In my heart I truly beleive that both of the occasions of going thru with the ivf procedures put her into complete tailspins. On both occasions for the 6 weeks leading up to the procedure were filled with rage almost every day. She pushed the whole baby issue abd when it came down to it really freaked out and tried to blame me for not wanting it  Looking at her upbringing, she, her mother and brother diagnosed as bipolar. Another brother fathered a child at 14 that was raises in her house with the brothers girlfreind. Mother has had children with 3 different men. Both father and stepfather died. Relationship with son's father was apparently stormy at least. I know he did break the windows out on her car when they broke up. Both prior relationships claimed ex s cheated and i know one she was physically violent with. When mad would tell me " shut the f--k up before i punch you in the face! After the breakup i sent her mom a xmas card thanking her and her family for the amazing love and affection they showed me and my daughter. I went on to admire her daughter for treating my daughter so amazing and that we would deeply miss them. Apparently her mom never told her about the letter and was so upset only told her sister. Her sister apparently mentioned the letter to her and she proceeded to tell me i couldnt wait to bash her to her family. Not one thing in that letter bashed her or mentioned our issues but in her mind because i thanked them all like a gentleman i did. I'm sure she told her family that i was a lying, cheating and who knows what else man.

Her family knew of both times of the ivf procedures and i'm sure she did not accept any responsibility for backing out. A normal woman who wants a child with a man does not subject herself to not one but two rounds of ivf procedures to back out at the last minute. That in itself is a sure sign of instability and being irrational.

Now looking back in retrospect thats nothing but red flags i completelly overlooked for sure. At this stage of her life she knows nothing else but complete chaos in her relationships and beleives there is nothing wrong with her which i guess we all can agree is typical for a pwBPD!

Yup you said it all. My ex was implying that I was flirting with friends on Facebook. Meanwhile they were college friends and nothing more. My ex would get in a mood and get angry. She would just go off . Crazy! My relationship was different. Since I live in NY and my ex moved to Canada I did t see her yet. We had a phone affair and she was supposed to come down in October. Well that plan fell thru since she outta the clear blue dumped me on Sept 4. Meanwhile just days before loved me etc. when I called her bc she dumped me thru an email she told me she didn't love me and didnt k ow why she said it to me in the 1st place! So yes these type of ppl care in my opinion for no one but themselves. What we can give them, so for them etc. if I were you I would run and never look back! And using your daughter to get to you in unacceptable!  Everyone will see you as a great catch but her. This disorder is crazy!

Confused,

This is how crazy it got toward the end. 3 rd week of october i sent her a text" hey, hun can i get some loving this weekend" We were going out to dinner on a Saturday night and with a 13 year old in the house its not easy for intimacy. She called me on the phone in complete rage stating i was a sexual pervert and if thats what i thought she was there for i'm wrong. Two weeks later, ask her to call. Tell her i will pick her son up at 3 from school and i ll make dinner but i'm gonna go to a wake for a girl i work with who's brother died of an overdose. Complete rage telling me theres no doubt i'm f-----g someone and now your going to a wake you liar. I even go as far as sending her the obituary. Complete 2 day rage. Fast forward a week. Daughter is having a procedure. I'm with my exwife at hospital. Procedure has complications. I call her from waiting room to tell her. She starts with a million questions i dont have answers to. I tell her, hun will talk about it when i get home!  Is your c--t ex wife there is that why you can't talk? Go s into complete rage while fully knowing my daughter is in the or and theres complications going on at that minute! Proceeds to unload the most horrific rages ive experienced and i should drop dead!

The craziness is i'm not on facebook and never was. Never once in 6 years did i ask to see her facebook freinds. I'm not the jeoulos or insecure type. If anything i'm overly trusting and respect my partner.

If anyone could read the texts she sent for 4 straight hours they would have had her committed! When i tell you i bent over backwards for this woman and thats how i was treated so often. So yes i am distant to you. What do you really think we have to talk about. You have owned up to doing nothing wrong, think your behavior is justified and have not shown any remorse or empathy at all along with all your lies!

It's crazy right! My ex whom btw I have never slept with would say she wanted to have sex with me then she didn't. Then she said she did t like sleeping with any of her exs. Then she wanted us to have phone sex which we did 3 times. Man it was nuts . She was into it the 1st time then the 2nd time she said she felt dark and I sounded forceful? Crazy!  Yup mine would rage too! And then tried to turn it around on me saying I had a temper etc. did yours ever turn stuff around on you? It's called projection. It's unreal . They pull all this crap then try to blame us that we did it!

Turn stuff around? Everything was always all my fault! They take no responsibilty for their actions what so ever. I guess the whole craziness that has me so perplexed is this. To put up with this craziness for 6 years and to have it end is hurtful. Yes, she s a very prettt woman with a knockout body. Certainly not the prettiest ive been with. I tried to be so patient and understanding even tho it was constant chaos. The part that has me so perplexed is why after she ended it does she still feel the need to contact me. Last nights text was " I thought you wouldve asked how my mammo went today? I guess not!" I often told her if you came down with cancer do you think i would walk away from you? Of course i wouldnt. I told her a year ago i thought she may have BPD and i would be by her side thru it! 

When she ended it she stated we are not in a relationship and will never be. Well then why do you still feel need to keep going on. I ll admit when the breakup first happened i thought it would be temporary. Now after 6 weeks and time to reflect back i dont even feel an attraction to her anymore. I'm to old for head games and i'm not going the freinds route while she s with someone else. I will not stoop to that level ever because in reality i truly love her. Everything you read say's they usually keep contacting you and it's true. I'm sure in her mind she's gotta have doubts of ending this but after painting me black and i'm sure bashed me to her friends and family has to realize what will they think of me if i get back with him. Like i told her no man at my age consents to having a child and go s out abd buy's a 14 thousand dollar engagement ring for the fun of it.

I 'll get thru this. I will heal in time and they're are plenty of good woman in this world who have a lot of love to share without any drama or craziness. When we find that we wil look back and realize this is what love is about.

Yes ! Mine went from I still love you and want another shot at a relationship to a few weeks later we have to see if we are compatible , to friends maybe more!  As for contacting their exs ? Nope not mine. I do know some do and some just don't. It depends on the person bc we are all still different. I have however gotten a fake friends request on FB. And on New Years Eve I got a message on FB that went to my spam email bc Rhey person never verified their account with FB. All the message said was HI Dear. It was a either a black woman light skinned or an Indian woman. My ex is Indian and Burmese. You would never know looking at her.  So all the years I've been on FB I have never had that before. Ever. So what is the  odds?

So here's the update. I'm still away and still receiving texts from BPDex. Wants to know when i'm returning and surprisingly has been pleasant with her texts. This morning it was should she let her son go with his father seeing theres a blizzard in NY and she didn't want him traveling.

Why is she asking me to make decisions when i'm not in a relationship with her. I know all about the nc but i'm trying to really wrap my head around this. You tell me you hate me, pull the b------t with the ivf and engagement and end this and still want to keep contacting me. Like i said earlier i beleive the ivf abd engagement really put this in motion and now beleives maybe it wasn't such a good idea to end this. As much as she hurt me i dont have heart to really be mean to her even as she's bashing her son's father today.