BPDFamily.com

Since the stories are all similar in some patterns, I was wondering how many of you ended up asking:

"So you don't remember anything good from our relationship?"

I noticed that this seems to be a common question from nonBPDs.

Yip I said it, many times after we broke up :) and still believe she doesn't remember good things.

i've said that. oh have i ever.

Interesting part on this is that my previous exes did appreciate the time and do remember the good times. And we mutually agree on that :)

I don't recall asking this question as it was obvious from the devaluation that it would be a futile question.

How many of you ended up asking... .

"You don't remember any good things... .?"

I asked my exUBPDgf... .

This very question... .

In both rounds of devaluation/discard.

I got the same answer in both.

"Ironmanfalls... .

There is nothing about you that i really like... ."

Yes.

The same exact answer.

I asked her in round 2... .

"You do realize... .

That you said this to me... .

The last time... .

(Round 1 discard)... .

And then... .

YOU do realize... .

YOU are the one... .

Who came back... .

To me... .

Right... .?

Her response... .

Silence.

That was one of her favorite... .

Responses... .

To the questions... .

That she knows... .

She cannot... .

Does not want to... .

Answer.

Clearly... .

There is something really f¥cking wrong here.

Actually I never had that. . .when I knew it had to be over because I couldn't accept his involvement with other women, in an e-mail I wrote 'well at least we had good times'. . .he replied 'they were the greatest of times'

Also, when I agreed to meet him 4 months after I ended it, he told me (although with a bit of a scowl on his face) 'I was a hard act to follow'

Very confusing as he was seeing other women and continued lying and manipulating. . .perhaps this was all part of it, to avoid abandonment 

WOW... .if I asked this question once, I asked it a thousand times.  We went to opening day for our MLB team in April, then the following week we went to our NHL team, she dropped my on my head on Friday, litterally a day after the NHL game.  I have asked my T about this behavior several times, as it just makes no sense to me.  He tells me this is the only way she can survive.  She told me a couple weeks later to move on, as she had already moved on.  My response... .theres a surprise.  The patterns are all so similar.  Rinse and repeat, do not pass go, and do not collect your $200 dollars. 

I have said that, too.  And struggling with the pain my X caused the children... .blinded me to anything that had been good for years after the divorce.  But now 11 years have passed... .we have been working through it though and we can remember good things.

I've posted about this before... .They re-write their own memories when they paint us black.  Back when we were still together, I made an album of all our fun pictures (because albums are rare, and pictures get stuck on phones). She wouldn't look through it at first, was too busy, then I kind of coerced her to flip through it with me one day, and it was almost painful for her - all the smiling pictures didn't really evoke any emotions.

Another thing I've experienced is sometimes BPDs have very good memories and can remember lots of details, but the bad memories tend to pile up and become insurmountable.  Sometimes I'll say something like "when have we ever fought over what to watch on tv?" And she'll say "6 months ago on a Thursday night we argued about it".  Of course for nons, to get through life you have to let stuff slide, but for them, the scar tissue builds up and becomes too much.

Yes, I can remember saying, "You don't remember anything good that I've ever done for you?"  I lot of times she would say that I'd never done this or never done that, and when I would present evidence to the contrary she refused to acknowledge it or would play it down.  For example, I'd buy her $100 worth of groceries and she'd reduce it down to I bought water and a bag of combos. 

This is part of setting up no-win situations, among other things... .Probably black/white thinking too since there are very few "nevers" in life, but BPDs use them a lot.

Her: you never do anything nice for my birthday

Me: do you remember the party last year and the gifts I bought you?

Her: why do you always have to argue with me? Can't I just say something without you saying I'm wrong?


Been there many times... .

when I asked my ex is very question and begin to list specific good things that we have been thru, he cut me off mid sentence and said I don't think we should talk about those things.  He refused to think about the good.  I think for him to revisit in his mind any good memories of us was placing him in the "grey" area, which was impossible because he had already split me black.

THIS was the hardest thing for me to deal with in this entire ordeal. The fact that he couldn't remember anything good about me, when that's ALL I ever was... .good to him.

every single post on this thread has brought a bit of validation to me

Yes this was always a huge issue for us too.  One minute I could be considered the best, most caring, sweet etc and at the drop of a hat I could be awful, non caring, etc… at those times he could not remember anything good.  I would say " I am the same person you adored yesterday" I have not changed.  Give it 2 weeks of no contact (give or take) and then he usually starts to remember great stuff again, over the top.  It was always crazy because I loved when he adored me but I would tell him to tone it down, I am not that great. It was scary when he loved me and scary when he hated me.

the black and white ordeal of BPD at work here ladies and gentzz :). Very typical black/white patterns!

Mine evaded the question for as long as possible and then denied/failed to remember the good times.

I asked myself more often than I asked him though.

Same here, the moment I listed good things my BPD ex told me, they don't exist anymore. That has happened in the past and I don't have emotion to those feelings anymore.

My experience was exactly the same and these types of scenarios happened over and over throughout the marriage.  One of our main recurring arguments was him saying that I contributed NOTHING to the marriage -- he did do more cleaning, but I did the shopping, bill paying, majority of cooking and laundry, and I also made more money (and funded his drug habit!).  It absolutely INFURIATED me that when he was upset, he could see NO good in me.

When I guess I was finally devalued all the way (about 3 months before we separated), he claimed he didn't even feel he had a wife.  I asked if there was anything about me that made me a good wife (mind you, I am a calm, patient, kind person who supported him for years).  He said, no.  There is not a single thing I can report that would be evidence that you are or have been a good wife.

He was serious too.  I think he really believed that.  ... .?

And then people wonder how others can get depressed...

One day you look at the man of your life and want to get married ... and a few years later he doesn't even recognize on single good thing. That is enough material to get mental issues...

The reason why I opened this threat is that the answer to this question helped me a lot to get over her.

We all know that of course there have been good times, otherwise we wouldn't stay with them for so long and they wouldn't stay with us.

But when they say now that they don't remember anything good, they mean it. Because their perception of reality twisted.

Why should you miss as person who doesn't miss you anymore, because he/she is happy to be out of a relationship that "only had bad times". I don't know about you guys, but this thought helps me a lot.

The difference between us non-BPD and them is that we can of course remember the good and the bad times. And we are honest to ourselves the bad times predominated.

I personally look forward to a normal relationship again. Ofc I might break up with the next one as well, but then I can expect a normal good bye where both keep the good times in their heart. When I think about my BPDex I don't even really miss her anymore, knowing she totally forgot about the good times - even when it's part of her disease. The fact that she doesn't remember the good times, retro perspectively makes them less important to me.

My ex went even that far that she discarded her ENTIRE time with me. It's the past, it happened, but I'm not going to sleep bad over this. Why would I? I only have the future to look forward to and so should you she told me.

And I was like, but, but the good times we shared?

That's the past I heard.



I wanted to throw myself under a bus when I heard that.

Nice question indeed.

I didn't asked her directly,but while we were breaking up my exBPDgf often told me "when i look back to our story we had good moments in the beginning (is called "honeymoon",baby) and few others... .but for the rest we have just been hurting eachother"

Funny, she told me she does not have the same memories of our ugly relationship, there were no good times and I treated her poorly.

Wow um sitting right behind home plate at the Cubs game, volunteering at a petting zoo for the disabled (we got to hang with a huge potbellied pig), holding hands in a cornmaze, kissing under the stars. Celebrating her birthday in a converted elevator shaft where we dined by candlelight and enjoyed a five course dinner... .telling me no one had ever treated her so good.

Yeah it's hurtful. Very hurtful.

Traumatized,

   I am still laughing over the bottle of water and bag of combos. lol.

When my ex came and got her bike lock she took the cable and combo lock I bought (that she was using to secure my grill to my townhouse porch). When I questioned it she said, really? I paid for your garbage disposal and almost everything in this relationship.

* I paid her for the parts and she helped me fix a disposal. Wow. Since she dumped me she is telling everyone I am a self absorbed princess. It just amazes me. Really crazy stuff.

The very last time I saw her about 2 weeks after the break up she said " weve had some good times!"

Thats it?

"some" good times?

I found this very hurtful and shocking. The truth is we had some amazing times together, truly memorable experiances!

Well, I did anyway! lol

i remember after breaking up my ex was really devaluing me and the r/s, i forget exactly the context but in general, yes she was trying to say that i was all bad and the whole r/s was a waste of time. i still remember my response to this and so happy i said things in this way. i just told the truth, but i also stopped her in her tracks which felt good at the time.

after she claimed i and the r/s was worthless, i rattled off something similar to

"really? really you got nothing good out of this r/s or from knowing me?" she indignantly nods yes. "well you're a complete idiot then. me? i got *lots* out of this r/s. i'm not stupid. i never would have spent 4 years with you if i didn't have good times. i learned a *lot*. i have a better diet now [she was vegetarian], i love dogs now [she introduced me to this], i know i love living with someone and i have lots of great memories. i took a lot of good out of this experience. if you didn't well then you're pretty stupid. you could have learned so much from me. you could have learned to start your own business, you could have learned to get you s**t straight or to be more patient. you could have learned to tap into your creative side [i'm an active artist]. i know i have lots to offer so if after 4 years you haven't taken anything from this then you're way dumber than i thought you were."

i waited for a response. she didn't have anything to say, lol. how could she? in her narcissistic state she didn't want to look dumb and weak for wasting 4 years of her life but the only way to say she didn't would be to acknowledge that i had good qualities, which she didn't want to acknowledge. i think i short-circuited her brain, lol. felt good at the time. at least the argument was over.

I just asked her this question again a few weeks ago (the last time I talked to her).  Her answer:  For every ten good things I did I would do one EVIL one that would wipe them all out.  She reduced my overall value down to being good for giving her car rides.

Why do so many people put value in what their BPDex said or says?   

I'm sure many of us have been lied to by the pwBPD in our lives. So why do we ask them a question expecting to get a truthful answer? Why do we value their answer at all?*

My exBPDgf told me both good things and bad things about her exes. What she tells them, I'm not sure. But I know not to trust anything she says because it is just as likely to be true as it is to be false.

Personally, I do believe that a BPD remembers the past and maybe deep down at a certain level they know there were good times, but they have to express the past as mostly bad to avoid the shame of having destroyed yet another relationship.



*I actually feel that the reason we ask these questions is that we do enjoy the validation, that it is also soothing to hear that even when the relationship ends poorly that our exes valued it and felt the same things we felt.

I experienced this too. During last recycle: "While in (previous) relationship with you... .I felt HORRIBLE".

But really, what do (did) we expect? Where there is lack of object constancy and lack of coherent narrative, bad memories will (by their nature) prevail.

I used to obsess and rage about that statement. I still might in the future. OH REALLY? You felt horrible? Dear girl, I pulled you out of gloom and created a frame for you to flourish. So, how come?

But, the truth is that today I am not so hurt anymore. She probably truly felt horrible. She did not invent this just to hurt me. Sure, she did hurt me, but not through some machination, instead simply stating what was truth FOR HER.

And honestly, what took me a loong time to face and accept is that, yes, I was abused, no doubts about it. But after some months I started hurling that abuse right back. I keep tell myself that I was less abusive and just reactive, but it still does not make it justifiable or right. Guess I am slowly starting to measure myself again by my own standards, not by hers.

Today I realize that after hearing how horrible she felt in r/s with me, i should have left then and there. instead of thinking "Well, I will just try harder".

Funny,same here.

With me everything was just "the best"... .best sex,best "mind connection",best romantic moments,best romantic dinners... .the week we spent together the first time we met was "the most incredible and beautiful week i've ever had in all my life"... .the best,the best,the best... .yeah,everything's gone.

Both times she left for other people she told me our relationship was ugly and meaningless. That I hurt, betrayed her and wasn't "present" in the relationship.

That was true the 2nd time (present) only because she cheated on me and physically assaulted me. How could I be fully present?

I think it's all a bunch of words. They need to paint you black when there is a replacement. As soon as mine realized it wasn't going to work (she said watching the way her ex comb her hair made her cringe) she ran back. Texted me 50 times on a car trip from Minnesota to Illinois.

They are always looking for something "better" when they see you are human and have faults. I see painting black as a protection. It makes them feel better and justifies their decision. A week earlier she told me my friendship was irreplaceable and she loved me very, very much and was attracted to me but "we should see other people". Funny how within a few days, replacement there and wants nothing to do with me.

It is easy for them to discard and easy for us to take it personally because we are loving and co-dependent. But all it is are words. That's all. Their actions never match up.

Again,your story matchs with mine.

She reproched me the same things... .that i hurted her like no one before,that she always had to "wait" for me moving my a$$ to build up something with her,that i was not present (even worst,that i was present only for sex and cuddles... .been hurting for me,a lot).

For her everything is been a very good justification for her triangulation with this other man (30 years older,never had sex with... .a very good person when i had the chance to know him better... .we had some conversations... .she stopped to give her attention as soon as she was starting her "guilty-game" with and after he discovered all her lies and exagerations... .she's still try to hook him but he never replies to her messages and stuff ((hey man tell me how u doing pls!))... .because he gave her all those things i was not (attenction,affection,a shoulder where to cry,trust).

So yes... .she started to look for something better destroyng my image in the while... .and yes,me too i think is the only way they can go on... .they NEED to paint us completely black... .maybe to don't feel guilty... .i don't know... .they have no memories about how they were thinking at us BEFORE,when we were so special?

Off course after i discovered what was going on between her and him she turned again... .again sweet and caring... .again "love forever and after"... .a (very expensive) romantic week on the mediterranean sea and i was again her "soulmate"... .then,painted completely black again.

Nicco,

  Man, I hear you!

Look up some of my past posts. Check out my ex's romantic history. So many red flags but I thought she was broken and I could help.

They prey on loving, caregivers.

Mine ended it this time with she could NEVER TRUST ME NEVER. She was GONE from my LIFE FOREVER.

Typed like that.

I never gave her any reason not to trust me. I was always there for her. She left me.  It's projection. Telling me I betrayed her, treated her like dirt, said things behind her back... .

all things she did with my "replacements".

You know, today is the first time I am actually looking forward to the holidays with my friends. Our break was on October 30th and she left me for someone I thought was my friend. Since our break a few friends confided she had hit on them too in the past but they hadn't told me.

We all do stupid things in our relationships but cheating is so unacceptable. Taking someone back after it happens just shows we lack something in ourselves. We don't deserve that. We don't do that. Why would we expect anything less for ourselves?