BPDFamily.com

Hi all, not been on in some time, been finally feeling a bit better... .its been the worst year of my life since the discard/replacement by my BPD/narc exgf... had major spinal surgery and 3 months ago and finally starting to feel stronger... I've lost weight and and been walking 10 miles a day to build strength... not to mention being crushed completely by the 4 years of emotional abuse and cheating and the ultimate cut off after building my hopes and dreams till the last second before she vanished with another man... but hey... you know what? although im lonely and want a partner to share life with and feel sad about it alot, other than that im kind of ok and feeling grateful for life again... im becoming the person i was before she destroyed my soul and its great... although i have my issues with self esteem and dealing with the ptsd i suffered from the shock... it does get easier  people... it really does... you will slowly figure it all out what you went thru and eventually reach and understanding and it wont hurt as much anymore... be strong and patient... soo... she ha messaged me tonight after suddenly ghosting me 1.3 years ago after me catching her in an affair... she is still with my replacement and happy from the looks... she said hi and hope she dont mind her messagng me... and that she heard i had spinal sugery and that she hopes im ok and life is going well, she also said ps nice wheels... she also heard I recently bought a bmw convertible sports car... .not replied yet... think i should? what she did to me was evil beyond words... ill save you all the details it would take a year to explain... after all i took me a year to figure it al out what id been thru and who she is

I received a text from my ex this weekend too. I think he heard my father died. The funeral was saturday and he texted saturday night. I sent a grey rock response. "Im fine so is mom thank you". Nothing more nothing less.

I would suggest not responding. I almost wish I hadn't bothered. People who love me don't treat me the way he did or the way she treated you. I expect better of my friends and family let alone my partner.

Oh for the record they never change. My father had extreme NPD/BPD traits. At his funeral not one but two of his mistresses spoke. So lovely for my poor mother to hear them speak about all their wonderful times together. Times when she was at home with her children and he was off with them. Lovely. Triangulation even at his funeral. Barf.

So respond at your own peril. I'd block her. Re read your post here and ask yourself do you want someone who treated you like that in your life in any capacity?

Good luck.

Hi Rickybee,

I don't think that things are going well with her bf she messaged you after nearly a year and a half without contacting you. I think that she's putting her feelers out.


I'm happy to hear that things in your life have improved, give yourself a pat on the back for that. That said, I bet that was a lot of work and I don't think that there's a right or wrong. I think that you have to have strong boundaries if you decide to contact her because she may try to become friends with you again.

First, it might be good to look at why you would consider communicating with someone who did things to you that were "evil beyond words" at all.  Maybe you have an agenda, like to test yourself to see how well you'd do or to seek revenge by relating how well you're doing?  Or something else?

It's an opportunity though.  I haven't spoken to or seen my ex in years, although she owed me money that I figured I'd never see, the cost of detachment, and to my surprise a check showed up in the mail with a note a couple of weeks ago.  The note was pure idealization, transparent because of the work we do here, but it triggered me, and it was a great opportunity to see how long it would take to get my serenity back.  Less than 2 hours, which I was proud of.  And of course I deposited the check.  So there's an opportunity here for you too Rickybee, after 1.3 years; were you triggered, and how long till you get back to you?

Yeah it sounds like a textbook "feelers out" text just to see if there's any possible way back. Chances are things with the replacement are going sideways (don't ever fall for outside appearences)

It's may only be a temporary argument or something, I've had that before and then they suddenly go silent again when it gets back on track.

It's totally on you if you reply or not but just bear in mind the possible repercussions if you do.

What would you get out of replying?  Is there a need on your end that remains unmet? If so,  would anything other than a BIFF reply  (or no reply), meet this need?

Thanks guys, still not replied... I don't even know what i'd say to her, she is a dangerous women and I have her worked out, she was so very cruel to me and all i gave was love and support with all my heart, was thinking of simply saying hi and thankyou... short and sweet but she doesn't really deserve that

Part of me thinks I should communicate with her in order to hurt her bf's feelings like he hurt mine by sleeping with and having an affair with the girl i loved whilst me and her were virtually married and had dreams and plans for the future... .but then i think y'know what... it was her doing she led him on and love bombed him just like she did me... he will be suffering regardless just living and being with her as i was... the unpredictable rages and mood swings get to you after a while... the confusion and her hurting your feelings too, she he will get his... i don't know... i can't let myself think childish stuff like that... at the end of the day im enlightened now with the knowledge of her illness and textbook behaviour she has clearing demonstrated and repeated with partners... there is nothing there for me... she tried to destroy me for nothing but loving her although i started to not let her control me... she didn't like that... .i can't really think about wanting to have sex with her after her being with others whilst she was with me... makes me feel sick tbh... all that said tho there was some lovely times we had, "when she was acting normal which was rare" we all know about the confusion of thinking of the good and the bad... its just baffling how they could do what they do to us after these tender moments

Ok, foolishly I replied and simpy wrote "not really sure what to say to you, thank you"  doesn't seem in a rush to respond lol, quite unbelievable that she hasn't said sorry... she never did... .in her mind she think she has done nothing wrong and im sure thinks we should be friends... mental

What was foolish about your response?  Give yourself some credit man.  IMHO, that was about as perfect as it gets.

No rush to respond?  Again, give yourself some credit; number of possible reasons, but my money is on the fact that you confused her.  No blubbering "baby come back" message.  No "how ya doing" message.  IOW, you didn't open a door.  It's as if she found herself in a forest she remembers but has become unfamiliar with, looking for the trail back into your life, only instead of lighting the path you spoke to her over the intercom, Truman Show style.  She thought she'd get a response you didn't give her.  Now what?

It's a good news/bad news thing.  If she wants anything more than validation, this won't deter her and she'll try again.  If she only wanted to know that someone she once loved still has feelings for her, and you kept up a poker face, that's all it was.  But, she may try again.  Hang onto the poker face and make her the one to engage, or do more than politely respond?  Your call, but big lesson in my own pwBPD adventure?  If they want to be with you or have you in their lives they'll show you with their actions.  If they don't, they won't.  And don't rationalize the irrational; if you reached out to her after 1.3 years and wanted to engage her what would you do?  Now compare that to what she's willing to do. 

Two last things:  sorry for all the mixed metaphors, and, you say she's mental, so why re-engage regardless? 

Hi Rickybee,


I had similar thoughts. My ex wife's boyfriend walked right into my marriage and broke my family. My kids were young, they still are, they were D7, S5 and S1 at the time and they went through a massive interruption in their lives that I had to deal with because neither my ex or her bf were thinking about anyone's needs. It probably caused a ripple effect and I will still have to help my kids through this when they're older. That said.

I was really angry because I lost my family and I wanted to get back at him but I thought there's nothing that is worst than what BPD will do him. So, the best thing to do is do nothing let things play out on their own, in the meantime I chose to be the best father that I can be to my kids and the best version of me. I couldn't of done that with my wife in my life. In the end, he did me a favor by taking a huge problem off of my hands. He's in the fire now and I'm enjoying life.

... .So, the best thing to do is do nothing let things play out on their own, in the meantime I chose to be the best father that I can be to my kids and the best version of me. I couldn't of done that with my wife in my life... .

Beautifully put, and I often work to remind myself of that very thing in my life now as primary parent and father to my S2. She's gone, and I'll grieve, however the house is no longer toxic, and my son is able to grow up with a stable and emotionally available father who has rediscovered himself.

To me,  this is just another example of re-establishing contact when we begin to feel strong in ourselves and ultimately detaching.  I think they truly want us to remain miserable and unable to move on. 

To the OP I admire your strength and the work you put in to make yourself stronger.  I would keep doing that.  Keep living better, be proud of what you did, and never let here see you miserable.  There are other people in this world who will love you for the right reasons.  Why waste your time on someone who tried to ruin yours. The replacement is getting enough punishment by being with her.  As for her what does she have to show for it? Just a long stream of misery.
 

THIS! Both gave me hope! I can't wait for the day I can say that

I agree with Rayban. I've noticed every time my ex ask me how I'm doing and I say something along the lines of "good" he will turn the world upside down...

I say leave her alone and live life! There is a saying that goes "not everyone should know you are happy, miserable will make misserible"

Alright, so you replied. That's no big deal. Contact doesn't mean anything if we refuse to let it.

One question to consider in the future, though: What has she contributed to your life that would make you answer after such a long period of time of no communication?

The best moves to make are the ones that help better your own life, not to try to win somebody else's game. Replying = ":)oor's still open, I'm still here." What happens when and if she contacts you again?

Thanks everybody, all good input and advice... .she hasn't responded since my short reply, as somebody said I think it confused her... .really not sure if she is just messaging out of guilt or if trying to come back into my life, but as said she is still happily with replacement by the looks... its anybodies guess to whether she still wants me or wants back in, or she is just trying to be polite :s if she messaged again im really not sure what id say or do... the best thing to do i guess is ignore, she only wants to keep hurting me im sure... evil pure evil what she did to me so... .

Ps I guess it has triggered me as been thinking about it, but I'm too far into recovery to be set back too far... it made me a little down this week and got me remembering all the good and the bad, the hurt just don't hurt as much anymore tho, im use to pain and hurt so... .

As somebody said tho i'm keeping that poker face and giving her nothing, if she really wants to engage and be friends, trianglulate, reel me in to hurt me, get back with me etc etc... she will contact again, she hasnt tho I don't think she wants back... think she possibly can't live with the guilt of what she did to me? and is just being civil? who knows... she has no compassion for anybody tho and tried to destroy me... hard to know what a crazy person is thinking really, when i was with her she constantly changed moods, opinions, values, plans etc by the hour... .constantly contradicting herself... .i wonder what her bf is going thru, the confusion and bad treatment must be getting to his mental health by now... she makes you feel sorry for her and plays victim for sympathy and that keeps you stuck in the fog wanting to help... .wonder if she really has changed or if she is still and awful cruel manipulater, cheat, liar, attention seeking psycho... would love to be a fly on the wall

Something in her life, long before you, has made her devalue the people around her. Without professional help (and even with professional help a lot of the time) she will not have changed. She would have learned how to play and manipulate better. Unfortunately, although it seems evil, just remember... .she's incredibly broken.

My advice is take the high road: Compassion. She won't appreciate it but you get the delight of not being like her. That's what she wants. An egotistical reaction to feed her own. Don't play into it. You can't hurt her. You can get her to hurt herself by playing on her weaknesses but truthfully there is no pleasure in this - it will drag you back in! (It's also narcissistic).

Also, think of all the progress you've made and how easily she's unwrapping it.

Bad move bro, you must play her like she played you.

A good reply to her will be  " Thanks. Hope you are ok with your life and happy about your contact me"
or something similar.
She propably want to broke up with the new guy and want you for back up.

Take revenge, tell lies to her and left her alone and miserable . KARMA

She hasn't replied since... think I def confused her... .she just can't say sorry... which means in her head she is innocent... crazy what a human

I never heard sorry from my ex , same story  :)

You must play her and take revenge, hope she contact you soon

This is not the way

taking revenge that way is narc behaviour, wont lower myself its just not me to manipulate or plan like that, if i engage there is also the risk of her just wanting to hurt me more, dont want to give back my power... she might just do as before just try to hurt e by telling me she is happy with her bf and doesnt want me... but heyi dont want her either... the left side of my body is numb, been over doing it at work hoping its not permenant... as i said i had major spinal surgery, she is the least of my worries

NO Contact is the only way to deal with them!

Not communicating with our exes is a tool we can use to detach emotionally, when we decide continued contact won't make anything better and may likely make it worse.  It really has nothing to do with "dealing with them", although a desire for revenge is normal, and if our motivation for not communicating with our ex is to hurt them, that's something to look at moving forward.

All cluster B has no feelings. When they try to communicate us, this is how they check if we are still on their hook. attention is better than no attention. We know who they are. Again, we can't bring them pain. But, if you contact them or reply them, it hearts us. That is why from my experience is no contact.

Getting revenge is not the same as karma.

Contacting them back gives them the power which leaves you powerless. That will bring back familiar feelings you've had with them and you can feel back at square one. My suggestion is blocking them if that is a luxery you can afford (some can't - children, work etc). Hurting someone with BPD isn't difficult. The high road is.

Hurting them is possible. BPD take pity and condecension pretty badly in my experience. It angers them and that tends to lead to being upset.

Consider the sort of person you want to be.

we think that they have BPD. this  is a general  and very old name for this disorder. What if they NPD? Sociopath? Psychopath? you can't hurt them. Otto Kenberg in his book said, that they have no depression. I would leave idea to hurt them. Ignoring and no contact! try to stay healthy and sanity. Take care of yourself.

Thats good advice, only approach that seems logical really feels natural... .if she wants to talk she can but im not giving up my power

I agree.  There comes a point where it's just best to let it be. The key here is to shift the focus from them ie (what are they doing, how could I get revenge, why did they say that etc.) To what can I do to become a better person. It happened, it was gut wrenching, and an experience I never want to relive in my life. Now what? The choice is playing games that will only perpetuate the pain, and where the odds are stacked against me. I have empathy, she on the other hand is a cluster b cocktail whos been playing all her life. They play to win.  Me ... .I just want to get on with my life. No contact is the only way. Cut off the attention, and trust me they will go looking for it somewhere else, and quick. I let myself be recycled,  and she just punished me for handing over all the power.  Not anymore.  I've decided that no attention to her gives me the chance to focus on myself.  It's a work in progress, but it does get better with time.

Sorry, just to interject, but Kentavr3... .they absolutely DO have feelings, of course they do. That is an absolute sweeping generalisation! Of course BPDs have feelings, they are human beings. If anything, they feel too much and to me, often seem to be in great turmoil. My ex has on several occasions walked out on me, mid conversation, when things have got difficult and he's clearly not coping. That's because he's unable to deal with his feelings - not because he doesn't have any.


On another note, I do wish people would stop talking on these boards about revenge, karma, wishing heartbreak or even death on our exes. If a) we accept that our SO's have a serious emotional disorder and b) we proclaim to have loved, or still love, these people, why on earth would you want any such thing to happen to them? We're better than that, aren't we? I really don't see how tit for tat can serve any one of us. Hurting our exes, in any way, will not make them suddenly 'see the light' and realise how much they hurt us.

We need to find peace for ourselves, and for me, I do think a large part of that is acceptance that this is what it is, and forgiveness. Our exes/SO's deserve our pity, if anything. They have to live in disorder, turmoil and probably not understanding why they do the things they do. They are pretty snookered, without getting help. We, on the other hand, will survive this, and eventually heal and move on. Seeking revenge, of any kind, is a huge waste of our time and emotion, and it only drags us down.

As I say, they absolutely DO feel. I know the evidence and our collective horrific experiences might lead us to think otherwise, but we have to be careful not to demonise these people. They are not monsters, even though they've done monstrous things... .and they deserve love as much as the rest of us. Sadly, that is the one thing that is eventually probably going to evade them, and I would have thought that would have been punishment enough for anyone.

My ex is all over the cluster B spectrum (BPD/NPD/sociopathy) and she has severe depression issues. Is on a cocktail of antidepressants/antipsychotics & has tried to kill herself in the past so I have a hard time believing that these individuals cannot feel depression. I understand that through their discard of us, they most likely come across as extremely cold/callous but I could never extrapolate that to meaning that they are impervious from being hurt. Perhaps they are very skilled at preventing being hurt by others and will go to extreme measures to avoid this yet they cannot seem to stop from hurting themselves.

Well said

Good points Stripey-


Yes, borderlines feel emotions intensely, like the volume knob is turned up to 10 all the time, and feelings become facts because a borderline does not have a fully formed self, a compass that always points true north if you will, so the emotions predominate.  And that doesn't feel good, so psychological tools are developed to not feel that, along with sometimes impulsive behaviors with emotion-soothing as the motivation.


While anger and a desire for revenge are normal responses to abuse and disrespect, including maybe some anger at ourselves for putting up with what we did for as long as we did, that we then project on our exes because it feels better, and also recognition that anger is a stage of grieving, and as a stage it can be worked through like all the other stages, we can cut ourselves some slack for a while, burn up that anger by typing up a storm here, and after a while there's an opportunity to get off it, and we owe it to ourselves to call each other on stages taking longer than need be to work through.  

So is anyone stuck, or is forward-moving detachment going on?  And a cool thing is once we detach we can maybe adopt a more balanced, and probably more accurate, view of our exes, the good and the bad, and maybe find some compassion for the rough road they walk, as we let that go with grace.

 She hasn't said anything since... .never got a sorry that message she sent was as if we was friends and she never did anything wrong... sick... today I feel abit angry thinking bout everything she did to me, feeling like giving her a piece of my mind and telling her exactly what she is... a scum bag... .tempting she does deserve it but how would that make me look?

Not only how it would make you look, it would be indication to her that an emotional attachment is still in place.  It seems, only knowing what you're telling us here, that things aren't wonderful for her right now, and it's common for borderlines to show back up acting as if nothing ever happened, to test that attachment to see if one is still in place with you, and therefore you may be someone who can help soothe emotions she can't soothe on her own.  Not malicious necessarily, she's just responding to her own emotions, but best for you to get clear on what your goal is.  If it's to detach and remove her from your life, no communication would be best, but if you do end up communicating, make it short with no emotional content, and she will eventually go elsewhere looking for that soothing.

 Your right... .makes me look still attached... .was just having a bad day i think... i guess its stil just feels so unfair that justice has not been served... but who knows what is going on in her world... perhaps its far from perfect... .my short reply perhaps didnt sooth so she has left it at that because i didnt get into a dialogue with her or ask how she was... its all about her eh

Now she has sent me a friend request :s still no sorry... .what would you do?

Well, if you take it at face value, is she a friend, after all that's happened?

And then, what's the goal?  If you don't consider her a friend and you want to emotionally detach from her, what's the right thing to do?

Its like im interested to hear what she would have to say, but in her world its ll forgotten or something... like nothing happened and we should be friends... i know that i cant have a deep conversation wth her... its impossible she just shuts down or ignores when her behaviour is questioned or pointed out, ive not replied since me saying "im not really sure what to say to you" i would love to know why she is doing this but just not sure... i guess it would make me feel better to know she misses me and wants me back even tho i dont want her... but in truth i think she s happy with replacement and doesnt want me back, only wants to hurt me or see if she can still hurt me... or simply be friends so she can feel better about doing what she did to me... its doing my head in wish these people could just talk normal like adults and be out in the open and honest... all head games clearly still

It's a stretch to expect someone with a mental illness to "talk normal like adults", but if she exhibits significant traits of the disorder, she's contacting you because she wants to see if an emotional attachment is still in place, and if it is, she will feel better, simple as that.  So it boils down to what do you want?  Closure, or the retribution that would come from knowing she wants you and misses you, or the satisfaction of her trying to hurt you and you not letting her, whatever it is, if she experiences feelings she doesn't like, can't handle, she'll use all the psychological tools to not feel them, the shutting down and ignoring you mention, and borderlines get so good at it she can move on as if nothing happened, because to her it didn't.  So knowing all that and focusing on what's best for you, what's the right thing to do?

It sure is a tough one, confusing as ever... i fear doing anything will play into her power and only hurt me, thank you for your input... isn't it all confusing eh

Contacting her wasn't a bad thing.  She reached out to you and you responded by say, "I'm good, but why have you contacted me after all of this?"  I agree with another poster, she is likely not sure how to respond.  You didn't react to her.  Be careful though, I thought I could handle being "just friends" with my ex and she had me back to "I love you" in just a couple of weeks.  Don't lose the progress you've made for her or anyone else. 

My advice would be to shut that door before she pushes it open, infiltrates your life and you end up getting your heart broken all over again.

My exBPDbf cruelly, harshly and brutally dumped me over the phone a few years back.  I was devastated, confused and depressed.  3 months later he contacted me via text to say "happy birthday".  I responded with a simple "thanks" which then led to more texts which then led to him wanting to meet with me to talk which then led to us getting back together.  I regret answering that text to this day.  If I had, it would have spared me the last 4 years of drama, hurt and wasted time.

IMO, anyone who cheats on you is NOT worth your love.  Period.  You deserve better and you don't owe her a response.  Cheaters don't change and pwBPD don't either. 

Stay strong.
 

Also, do not accept the friend request!  You are setting yourself up for more hurt.   If you are having doubts ask yourself why you would want to entertain a friendship with someone that cheated and lied to you and never apologized?  If a guy friend of yours lied to you, cheated you in some way and never apologized, would he still be your friend?  Would you want to continue the relationship?

Please don't play the fool like I did for so long.

Thank you, I was thinking today whether to send a message, I have it already typed... what you think?

(Although I have moved on and happy and in great health now, not sure fb friends is good idea, not sure if you are aware of the gravity of what you did to me, you are a very dangerous woman emotionally, spiritually and psychologically, you lied to me manipulated me and cheated on me and used my frantic shock and trauma from the cruel sudden discard as a means to make me look crazy and you the victim, i was the victim? you lied for attention, you played me when i went into a relationship with you with good intentions and loved you, abandoned me when I loved you and needed you, so without saying sorry to me and acting as if nothing happened is quite the insult, you treated me awful katie during that 4 years, i still have compassion for your disorder and all sufferers but that is no excuse to destroy people who love you and care about you with narcissistic malignant behaviour, who knows one day but right now im pretty happy without you existing in my mind, its safe to say im recovered and completely over you 　 all the best, thanks for the life lesson)

feels like a huge desiscion sending that... not sure if its best... she would only get a few lines in and stop reading anyway and write it off as im still messed up over her and ghost again :s

To be totally honest with you, I see 0 benefit in sending that and think that you'll regret it when you look back in a few months.

*mod*

This thread has reached its post limit and has been locked. Please feel free to continue the discussion in another thread.