Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 10:16:09 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
204
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Met her online, not sure what happened, seemed like dream/nightmare  (Read 1076 times)
The Cat in d Hat
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 113



« on: February 17, 2018, 04:23:56 PM »

Hello. After much searching the internet, and a lot of my own knowledge I've found my way here. I haven't dated in years and thought now was a good time to get back in, at least in the sense that these are years i won't get back, I'm 30 now, I've gained weight, not at my prime, not terrible either . I had met a girl online, she's 24, phd program, real pretty, perfect body, with an online dating app, and began talking to her early December. The very next day i asked for her number and she began to tell me about her life, she's teaching and studying, and i told her about myself that I'm a med student and studying as well. Lots of flirting and whatnot. She had recently put on few pounds, always fished for compliments, asking if she was too fat. Thats a flag but could be normal too not the first person to do this. A week has passed.

Several interesting conversations via text later, i finally called her on the phone and a long conversation further delving into that were doing with our careers. In this conversation she mentioned she gets anxiety, depression, i could relate to anxiety so i understood, and left that alone, not judgmental. She eventually mentioned she has out of body experiences, disassociation. (flag) One detail she mentioned, she just wanted to disconnect from all the stimuli, get an old school phone with no apps, nothing, just plain phone, this comes in later. She said she wanted to be a caveman

Later that night she told me all about her past, her boyfriend of 3 years who was apparently a psychopath, who she got back into a relationship with again for years due to mutual friendships. One nice guy she dated as well and several others for a short period of time. I told her about my past and how i got cheated on, and she mentioned she got cheated on too, and then got back at him by cheating on him. This may have been a second flag but too be honest between good guys and bad guys who doesn't meet a variety of people?

The next conversation we talked briefly about family, as she said she was done sleeping around and now just wanted a break from sex. I let this go for now, as i just started talking to this person and truth be told i didn't even have time to meet her till after new years with the holidays going on. Conversation moved on and told me in one long message how she was abused as a child, by a caretaker when her parents weren't around for years. On top of that she ran away from home for weeks and had a suicide attempt while in high school. Thats 2 more flags there. Also only now started to hug her mom, flag indeed? Father was never around, beat her mother, probably one more flag there too.

Her next few days she went a way with gf of hers and mentioned how this person doesn't have her life together, they miss they're connecting flight and get stranded half way with no luggage. These few days we talk almost all the time, how she just wants lose this friend of hers, but she herself is too nice a person to just abandon someone. I told her sometimes you have to remove toxic people from your life and thats how I've progressed all these years. I told her how i keep a close circle of friends that i know i can trust. She on the other hand had layers and layers of people she knows, always had a story. This somewhat ties in at the end.

She came, and cut off her friend. told me first thing, wanted to show me progress? idk but i said good for you work on self-care and all that. She also mentioned an ex who won't stop calling and stalking and she was dealing with that, and day later said it was dealt with (flag?)

She called one day and it went to voicemail and she realized that it was not a real number, i was using a spare number, again or dating sites i don't hand out my number like candy, i also don't give out my full real name, unlike her. So she got really upset, i tried to explain my perspective, and then i gave her the real number and name. I thought it was quite reasonable as no one should be giving out info like that to anyone. She most definitely hands out her number like candy.

By now we've sexted, and snapchat really made this seem more real, otherwise at this point i honestly didn't know what to think of these few weeks. It could just be a completely different person on the other side but at least this was confirmation that it was "real". At this point i wanted to meet her, but she was going on a trip for new years with some friends, which she drove with a guy down to the cabin to the rest of the group, and constantly felt the need to reassure me it was indeed a friend. I may sounded like i maybe was uncomfortable but that could be why.

When she returned from this trip, she was busy first week of january. but we continued to talk, always glued to the phone. i was still able to get my studying in and she was still able to go teach, but any off time wed be on the phone. Now for me there was very little down time but i was able to give her the attention she seemed to want. The flag here was really getting so attached, so quick, and to stranger, haven't even met yet. But i let it go as she was making my currently bland life a bit colorful. We got into 2 small arguments, one where she felt she as always talking, and i wasn't talkin enough or sharing enough, but i told her how my day these days in hours upon hours of studying and thats it. The second one was a bit of passive aggression on my part, she said lets slow things down, for which i just didn't understand what that meant, as things were so slow as is. We hadn't even met, we would talk about sex, but she said she hates the feeling of condoms (flag? she also told me she's had 8 partners, not sure if i can believe that number), and i told her if we both get tested then id be comfortable doing that, so even sex was off the table. Seems like she was falling head over heels for me but telling me to slow down.

Come second week i had family flying in, and death of love one, so when she was free to meet, i wasn't. Halfway through this week she began to tell me about some depressed guy she saved, who had no one to talk to so she add him on her social media. this is something recurring in her life, this saving the world theme. When she told me he sent her an inappropriate snap, i think one can guess what that is, i wasn't exactly comfortable with that simply because around this time she had said I'm so infatuated with you, (flag?) and I'm always thinking about you (flag!). I got upset, and since texts never convey meaning well, of course it would head in the wrong direction. I said something along the lines of "if you keep saving the world like this, you'll never be able to work on yourself, theres no future here". From all that, she just exploded with rage on the word future, if theres no future what are we doing here. She went off and didn't talk to me till hours later at night, and even then said theres nothing to talk about. (trigger maybe?) I actually had to go to doc and my bp was elevated interestingly. I actually lose appetite when I'm upset in general, she knew this, and said you should eat, and i told her i will. (I didn't) She later said she wanted to meet a person in real life, called it all a fantasy and said if you want we can be friends. I left it alone, as it made sense to just leave it. She seemed so volatile and if thats all it takes why bother pursuing. She even snapped me all day, said she was said, her coping mechanism: retail therapy is apparently her favorite, bought a 1000 watch. (flag?)

The next evening i get a text from her when I'm drinking with my family that she cannot stop thinking about me, and maybe we should go on 1 date. I told her i don't know what to say, but between the alcohol and missing the connection we just ended up right where we had left off before that argument, snapped away and talked all night. The next day she as out drinking with friends and texted me late at night, called me driving drunk, then texts she loves me and when i called her out she said she turning red and then jokingly denied. I did not reciprocate, i wasn't in love. How would that even happen, i barely know this person. (flag?)

Later in the week a family member of mine passed away, she provided some comforting words and then moved on with her day and i moved on with mine. Later that evening my family was all here to celebrate some other event, and death or not they felt they needed to move on, so after the day of grieving they went back to schedule till the week after for the last rites (in a different country). We kept talking like this, she said let me take you out. I told her i was busy but next week ill be free.

That weekend i finally video chatted with her, for the first time, and had long conversation. she said she missed me all day and that kind of jazz. I reciprocated that i do miss her, as she was becoming somewhat of habit, something to look forward too. The next day she said she wanted to meet in the evening, i gave her a maybe as i still wasn't free but told her don't count on it. She actually got dressed and ready, said it was all for me, and even left out her nose ring as i told her i wasn't too fond of it. I wasn't able to make it, she got a little upset, said she felt stood up but understood. We made solid plans for where and when to meet. and now i was maybe even bit excited. Someone i connected with so well haha.

We keep talking, flirting, sexting, talking about our lives, how i should specialize in a certain field that will make more money so she could spend it all. I laughed all that off as to me it really was a joke. The day before she suddenly messages me, that she cant do this, its too much, she's too anxious, this is crazy, the works. she said lets meet as friends, lets slow this down. i said ok no sex, she said i meant not a relationship just dating. I of course had no other intention, dating comes first does it not? with this turning into a huge ___show again, i just told her ill talk to her in the evening. when i spoke to her i told her lets not even bother meeting, and put an end to this and walk away like nothing happening, it would hurt a bit but it seems maybe we got too close too quick. She said lets at least meet and started crying and said she have to block me if i call it all off i said do what you have to do. more crying and i said we can talk at night. She started showing me threads of her and he friend how he she was tell her how much she liked me and how her friend felt so sorry it was all ending. I told her alright lets meet, but i pushed it back a few days, mostly so we could maybe get some space and go back in more like strangers, as opposed this crazy mess it had turned into. The day before she couldn't make it she had work, so i for her i it delayed more. Some more passive aggression on both our parts.

The morning before conversation just felt different. She went on to research or lab and i had to wash my car (prep for the date). she said she had plans with her friends that night and i had plans with friend of mine (female, told her loves my car so I'm washing it for her and for our date) She suddenly says I'm annoyed of your insecurities, passive-aggression, and I was definitely being bit angry, my uncles last rites had been done and dealing with his fam, she said i didn't tell her and i hadn't, i told her your plate is so full so i didn't want to overburden. I told her cant play games with her, and she replied, oh, i thought you needed something .

We exchanged some more words and finally she messages, i cant do this. This time she said its finally, she said its unfair to me that'll shell want me want day and not the next. I understood that. I asked her i could help her, she said she just wanted space and again brought up how it was so crazy she loved me and hasn't even met me. She said she never understood me. and i never listened. I told her our conversations were obviously misconstrued at times via text, and her phone made phone class terrible as well. She said she needed to work on herself. And put it all back to friendship. at this point i accepted friendship readily, as i felt needed a little time to disconnect.

We proceeded with our day and that night i canceled my plans and instead went too for drinks, she knew i was hurting. at midnight she sends me a provocative picture drunk and hours later another with her hair all messed. I saw these in the morning and she said she had no recollection.

We talked some more said she was broken, needed to love herself first, etc. (flags? and possibly she's high functioning enough to know theres something and wants to fix it) And we just left it at that, no more talking after that. The next day i didn't not follow her stories, and just tried move on with my dad, she eventually messages from some email address saying her phone broke, and if i want the new number i should let her know. and drops in the whole i bought new phone so much for being a caveman. i didnt see this for hours, and when i did, i didn't respond, i mean were no longer the same two people, the relationship had to be restructured right? so i won't give you all my time.

I went to sleep early that night, woke up around midnight and saw she removed and blocked me from her instagram (which is alway public, she had made that private too). and removed me from snapchat. I tried to add her back, and then didn't message her on phone or call, since she told me she changed the number. I instead replied to her caveman message saying you don't have to be caveman to get through life. WhatsApp, the only form i had never used before sent her a message tell her i was just trying to move on, but it looks like friendship is out of the question too since she blocked me. I couldn't sleep all night. not a drop. She responded in the morning that she felt like crap being ignored and had no choice but to CUT ME OUT OF HER LIFE. something she's never done apparently, cutting anyone out of her life that is. said she wishes me well but has made her decision. in my sleep deprived state idk why i started to latch on, i should have just said good luck and take care, instead i said ill wait, and she further said i don't listen to her don't understand her. I even tried to her i can relate to all the anxiety, her constant concern shed voice and id help her find ways to relax. Except i worded it as health issues and she just went off saying your dying? why would plan a life with someone if your dying? I couldn't even clarify. she just went of saying "i never trusted you, I'm not ready for a relationship, but neither are you, and if was i never with you, i will never meet you". And immediately jumped to that she's gonna block me here as well, and if i contact her again she'll file a R/O. I replied "i will not, good luck in life, don't know if she even got those messages".

So this is also a person who has said, not many men deserve her, drives recklessly, self medicated, had a drug problem, liked to sleep around (apparently stopped when she started talking to me, dunno about that), entitled feeling always, knows she gets away with things and proud of it. She would also often mirror my intellect, as i am a smart cookie and proud of it, but not boasting, she would constantly show me her grades and when i joked about her being a dummy she got really upset like how dare you say that.

Its been 25 days. Im not angry, since i feel she knows she has a problem, and maybe wanted to push me out before things got worse, but its a pain. Healthcare is my domain, but i wasn't able to see this until i could see it objectively. Was she BPD? The pieces are there. As an intellectual /rational person i still feel compassion and pity, but do still hurt as i eventually did get attached.

My concerns now are will she reappear? if so best way to handle it? and moving on, as this is not like any person I've ever been with.
Logged

The person that initially attracted me, was no more than a mirage in a mirror.

150 Days - 6.22.18
The Cat in d Hat
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 113



« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2018, 07:59:16 PM »

This is a person who would call me to wake me up in the morning, constantly say don’t say relationship, even though I wouldn’t. Kept saying keep it slow, commitment scares her or she’ll run, constantly said she cares for me and likes me so much.

Constantly talked about pushing other guys away for me. How I’m the perfect match for her. How she’s not shallow, she likes me because I’m the perfect balance for her. I told her it’s not practical to think this way several times, we might not like each other in person but she would say nothing would change we’d be the same people. Also admit she was narcissistic jokingly.

I will obviously not contact her, respect her wishes, and when somebody threatens me there’s absolutely no reason for me to engage. I just want to know how others see this playing out? Is it effectively over, or do I have to worry about her coming back. I keep a public account so I won’t be making it private, no point in blovjing her. I can still search for her snap last I checked so apparently removed not blocked? Anyone know how that works, as for phone she told me she changed her number so it’s irrelevant.

Honestly she I was just a little bored with my current 24/7 study cycle abs needed a little distraction, this may have been more than I needed . I know others have been in worse situations and my deep condolences to those who ended up in long term retaionships, kids, divorce, etc.

I feel she’s done with me, and no longer any kind of threat to me? I’m moving on well, but I like to intellectualize and expand knowledge, and wanted some clarity on what kind of person I was dealing with. Goes to show how you can be fully versed in medicine, but if your invested in any capacity you miss the diagnosis.

Thanks in advance guys, any responses or comments or advice is welcome. Anyone need any support from me I’ll be in and out. Good luck everyone and take care.
Logged

The person that initially attracted me, was no more than a mirage in a mirror.

150 Days - 6.22.18
The Cat in d Hat
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 113



« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2018, 09:55:48 PM »

This person also mentioned several times she's broken, how she has no sense of self. how she feels empty. Pieces just keep coming back to me as i do think about here time to time. Like i said 25 days but when your talking pretty much every free second of the day its so hard. My attachment was more of i was not in a great place, overburdened by my studying and career and thoughts that I'm losing time and wasting the best years, which is why i just latched on to the first person to nibble. plus she seemed ambitious and career oriented thats why i like in women.

So for me its more of a breaking the habit type situation, not so distressing, but just cant tell if there is a game being played or standard BPD behavior. That first week when she blocked me and made her insta private, at the end do of the week she made it public again, but kept me blocked. then suddenly some pics of her that what not there before but dated from long time ago appeared, so must have been hidden or archived, unsure of why, the answer has to be with her. I just want to make sure I'm in no danger, as the few friends and colleagues I've spoke with who are in healthcare feel she will likely return, even though it ended as it did.

Again any comments appreciated, its a new experience . I had studied cluster b women but never had actually applied it to anything before, assuming that is the whats at play here. She used to got therapy and take medications but stopped for almost a year now, said therapist left. She wasn't too ecstatic about going back when i recommended it several times for the anxiety and other issues. ptsd and trauma from childhood, the works.

I suppose the greatest thing here is that i never met her in person. From the stories I've read here, other than some great sex with dash of stds (my close friends had nothing to say about this other than the fact that how could turn down sex when she was always so sexually provocative), its all downhill otherwise.
Logged

The person that initially attracted me, was no more than a mirage in a mirror.

150 Days - 6.22.18
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2018, 07:15:36 AM »

 

Hi! Glad you found your way here. It seems like you’ve been through a lot here without ever personally meeting her. I’d like to clarify things a little more so I can better understand your concerns. Are you worried that she will attempt to contact you again, or are you hoping that she will? In all honesty, I have to say, IMHO, that you really dodged a bullet here. It appears that things got pretty dramatic without really ever getting personally involved with her. How do you think things may have played out had you ended up in a relationship with her? I’d suggest reading other’s acounts here of how things have turned out for so many of us here. I hope you’re feeling ok and I’m sorry that you’re feeling so conflicted about this. Please keep us updated on your progress.
Logged

“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
The Cat in d Hat
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 113



« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2018, 07:46:44 AM »

Hey thanks for responding, my goals here were to share my experience, and just attempt to make some more sense of these 7 weeks that just flew by. She definitely projected and mirrored as well, pieces just keep flying back to me as i ruminate time to time. I just found it so odd she first got so attached, then got anxious she was so attached without even meeting me, then suddenly wanted to detach. I suppose that’s ideal, devalue, discard?

I’d like thoughts on these few things:

Is this person likely a uBPD, or maybe is diagnosed but just left that out, told me the smaller details instead maybe to avoid the stigma?

Is she any kind of threat to me? When she threw out the R/O line at the end it was something no has ever said to me. I don’t need that.

Will she ever contact me? (In that last conversation she said we need to forget about each and other we are two people who knew of each other’s existence for a short time) that makes me think she is gone for good, plus she ended it all, and flipped out saying she never trusted me it was all lies.

 I’m not hoping for contact, but if she did, I feel I’d want to reply. How should I handle that. I know it won’t be for closure from her, although she did try to give it to me and said we should move on with our lives and how I should go on and be the best doc out there and I can do better than her, etc. There’s no winning, just with past breakups either it has been mutual or I have done them, so they leave me in a better state. I had chances to end this and i didn’t take them, so many flags overlooked, just couldn’t put the picture together then, and part of me had a hard time getting over the rejection.

I’d like thoughts on how to handle the general scenario of contacf, or if NC is the way to go, what can I gain if she does contacf me. Obviously I will make no attempt as I have no intention of getting involved in R/O or worse. Some have told me this is just an empty threat and wants the chase, I’m not risking regardless.

Thank you all
Logged

The person that initially attracted me, was no more than a mirage in a mirror.

150 Days - 6.22.18
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2018, 08:05:38 AM »

It does seem like she demonstrates some behaviors that are associated with BPD, but I’m not a professional and can’t diagnose her. That is only possible by her being personally evaluated (face to face) by a professional therapist. I would venture to say that yes, she is a threat if she is threatening you with a R/O, and I think you should take that very seriously. I believe it would be a good idea to take that threat into consideration as you’re deciding what you will do if she ever tries to contact you again. It sounds like you’re on the cusp of a blossoming career. With what you’ve experienced thus far with her, do you feel that she would be part of the foundation that would support you in your career, or would she possibly be a liability? With the way things ended, this is only my opinion, I believe that there is a very good chance that she will attempt to contact you again. She has done just enough to get in your head. That’s why you’re here. The two of you never really became an item, so she likely still sees you as an option when she runs out of supply elsewhere. Only you can decide what is best for you. The best thing you can do is to be mindful, not impulsive. What will you be specializing in as a Doctor?
Logged

“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
Cyssero4

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 17


« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2018, 08:19:03 AM »

Brother, I joined just yesterday with very similar issues with regards to red flags, I went through that for 8 years! & just cut her off on fridat (16.02.18). I say that to say this... .KNOW YOUR WORTH!, THIS PERSON HAS AN ILLNESS.

They cannot love you the way that you require. You must love yourself, get back in shape, but some new clothes, travel,  focus/refocus on your goals. The world is your osyster and there are healthy relationships in the future for you but you must reflect on why you allowed yourself to go through this (myself also).

Check my story if you are interested, ps stay strong you are going to make it.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321232.0
Logged
The Cat in d Hat
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 113



« Reply #7 on: February 18, 2018, 08:28:36 AM »

All in all she will likely be a liability, since the general consensus here has been nothing good can come from this, unless the pwBPD gets the right help and makes the change (which apparently she wants to do? Didn’t say BPD but said she needed to love herself more first). I had described all this to a psych friend of mine and she matched most of the criteria, but understandablly said the same thing, that she needs to be formaly diagnosed in person.

She is definitely in my head, mostly the way she just cut ties so suddenly. Again, it’s a new feeling for me. My personal reason for not thinking she’ll come back is her sounding so betrayed that apparently I lied about everything, and that she felt this was a relationship as it is, and that we didn’t meet early enough and how we missed all the dating and got too close too quick. Would she not think she’s already sucked out all emotion she needed? Or do you really think she may believe since we didn’t meet there is still potential?  If that’s the case, will it start with a honeymoon phase or that’s gone. I’m positive I’ve been split back, so much rage in that last convo.

 It will likely be best if I stick to NC. As much I’d like to say something, or validate these weeks just by meeting her, or even hookup, and then be concerned about potential pregnancy baiting (she talked about adopting a friend’s kid wasn’t fit to parent, or have one, said she had an IUD, doesn’t want to use a condom, felt like a trap) and of course the std risk... .it all sounds like a huge liability.

Logged

The person that initially attracted me, was no more than a mirage in a mirror.

150 Days - 6.22.18
The Cat in d Hat
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 113



« Reply #8 on: February 18, 2018, 08:31:19 AM »

@jnchell - most definitely not a psychiatrist. I’m looking towards orthopedics. She of course wanted me to pick something higher paying.

@cyssero - that’s unfortunate to hear brother, take care and hang in there.
Logged

The person that initially attracted me, was no more than a mirage in a mirror.

150 Days - 6.22.18
Speck
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced since Mar 2018
Posts: 611



WWW
« Reply #9 on: February 18, 2018, 10:35:42 AM »

Hello, Cat. 

Whew! Your story reads like a thriller. After all the emotional peaks and troughs, it may be for the best that you never had a chance to get too physically close to this one.

I'd like to add something to the discussion that strikes me the most about her is that she seems to be trying to tell you something when she tells you that she feels "empty inside" and that she needs to love herself more. Another thing that really is worrisome to me is that she says the phrase "I feel broken." Strangely enough, my uBPDw used to tell me this exact thing all the time, and I never understood what she meant by that. After doing a lot of research on BPD myself, I have come across random sufferers of BPD who self-report that they, too, feel "broken." It is interesting, no?

Wishing you the best. Thanks for sharing. Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck
Logged
The Cat in d Hat
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 113



« Reply #10 on: February 18, 2018, 11:00:37 AM »

@speck

Thanks for the support. It was a thriller, one it weeks for me to realize that I'm not exactly dealing with most stable person. Your right, they do have these feelings, that emptiness, they don't really know who they are, she would say that a lot too.

The convo i had with her before this last one, she even went as far as saying "You tried to pick up something broken, and got cut", i was startled and shocked when she wrote that, like what? wow? another reminder that she knows something is wrong. This one knew something was wrong, and while i was talking to her i just looked past it, as we all have our baggage. I just didn't realize hers was down to the core of her being. She knew i was in medicine, at some point even asked if i could be her therapist, jokingly, and responded i could, but then i cant be any more than that and she said no she's just joking. What she was looking for only she knows.

It was the end, much like many other here that leaves me wondering. I lied initially about my name, and a simple misunderstand in the last convo just left her saying i lied about everything, that i omitted some terminal illness, i was just going to relate to her anxiety. How someone can jump to an R/O from there still boggles my mind. But it feels better every time i write this out. It was never meant to work, she provided the distraction i was looking for, just didn't like how she made me look like a liar at the end. It doesn't mean anything now.
Logged

The person that initially attracted me, was no more than a mirage in a mirror.

150 Days - 6.22.18
Speck
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced since Mar 2018
Posts: 611



WWW
« Reply #11 on: February 18, 2018, 11:45:06 AM »

Excerpt
"You tried to pick up something broken, and got cut."

Wow. This exactly what I mean! Yeah, she's telling you more there than you initially realized. If you were to research more into other BPD sufferers and watched videos of them describing their internal mental/emotional landscape, you'd hear them describe the "feeling broken" thing verbatim, in their own words. It's eye-opening, for sure.

I feel sorry for BPD sufferers' experience of feeling broken... that must be tough, however, I know that I never want to be legally hitched to another person who describes herself this way. It's not been fun.

Peace, brother. Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck
Logged
The Cat in d Hat
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 113



« Reply #12 on: February 18, 2018, 01:13:29 PM »

Yes, unfortunately she didn’t stress this till the end. At this point what could be done.

Another piece for the last conversation, along with going off on the misunderstanding of “my health issue” she accused me of manipulation and emotional blackmail. The first time she tried to call it off I had jokingly sent a snap of my nephew saying she shouldn’t be mad at me (because I said “there is no future”). She accused me of emotional blackmail then to but said it in a joking manner, it’s hard to tell attitude in texts, a recurring issue in our conversations.

My goal here is still the same, determining if she is a threat to to me. Should expect her to return in some form because she might not be done, or does it sound like she felt so betrayed that’s said and done and when BPD say R/o it’s all finished?  if there is contact, how to handle this, as it’s delicate here where I’ve been threatened, yet I was unhappy at the extreme hatred of that last convo. She painted me a full blow liar that she can’t trust. In my book any person would not come back from that.

Lastly, anyone who has read my whole story, can they determine when the splitting happened? Has it happened? Anyone who can chime in please do, just trying to this postmortem these few days and then dropping it all.
Logged

The person that initially attracted me, was no more than a mirage in a mirror.

150 Days - 6.22.18
No-One
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 356



« Reply #13 on: February 18, 2018, 01:28:22 PM »

Quote from: The Cat in d Hat
This person also mentioned several times she's broken, how she has no sense of self. how she feels empty.
When someone tells you who they are or shows you who they are, believe them.  The only person you can fix is yourself.
 
Quote from: The Cat in d Hat
Is this person likely a uBPD, or maybe is diagnosed but just left that out, told me the smaller details instead maybe to avoid the stigma?

Is she any kind of threat to me? When she threw out the R/O line at the end it was something no has ever said to me. I don’t need that.

Whether she qualifies with enough traits for a BPD diagnosis doesn't matter.  What matters is that she has multiple disturbing behaviors that will only bring you trouble.

You can't fix her and you can't trust her.  For all you know, the men she has described to you are just like you.  She may tell distorted stories of you to whomever she is currently chatting with via dating apps.

Quote from: The Cat in d Hat
I haven't dated in years and thought now was a good time to get back in, at least in the sense that these are years i won't get back, I'm 30 now . . .I'm a med student. . .
flag! flag! flag! flag!. . .

I think you pointed out enough flags for a parade.  You have to learn to trust your intuition.  Even if someone attempts to file a restraining order against you, and doesn't succeed, that's a problem you don't need. Once people with BPD traits split someone black, they go out of their way to make that person suffer in any way possible.

It probably doesn't matter in regard to the exact point she split you black.  For some, it might be a bit of an evolution.  I don't think there is a standard regarding splitting between black and white.  Someone who does this once, is likely to keep doing it.  Even if she flipped you back to white, the switch would likely flip back to black down the road.  You can't walk on enough egg shells, for long enough, to keep that from happening

I'ts understandable that you'd want to have someone special in your life.  Medical school is a long haul.  Supportive relationships, with an emotionally available, low-maintenance woman, can be a benefit.  In contrast, a relationship with a mentally unhealthy, high-maintenance woman is a detrement to your success.

Your strategy of using an alternate phone number is a good strategy and can prevent problems for you.  Using an alternate name, also, not a bad idea, until you actually start dating.  A mentally healthy woman, shouldn't have a problem with you protecting yourself early on.

It's recommended that a healthy way to meet people with dating apps is to minimize the time spent early on, with texting and app interaction.  If someone meets enough of your criteria (best to have criteria, such as not on the rebound), have a couple of phone conversations. You can tell a lot more about a person from a phone conversation, than you can from texting or app interactions.  

After a couple of successful phone conversations, without red flags, you can schedule a short meeting as soon as possible for a specified short period of time (perhaps for an hours's time for coffee or a meal). If the person is not available to meet anytime soon, then that could be seen as a red flag.  In that case, if you are still interested in meeting, you might want to tell them to contact you when their schedule frees up.  In the meantime, don't pursue the relationship by further texting/social media.  
 
Although it's possible to meet the love of your life with dating apps, it can be the perfect setting for mentally unhealthy people to troll for victims. Some people derive pleasure by just interacting over social media.  They may never intend to meet those they string along for a period of time (may actually be in a relationship).  Part of the thrill for them may be the initial interactions over social media.  It's a fantasy for them and a way to get validation.  The fantasy can't last, so they have to move on to a new fantasy.

Some people meet new friend and start relationships via "Meetups".  If something like that is available where you live, it could be a way to share some interests with others. It can be way to socialize, with the possibility of meeting someone special.

Logged
The Cat in d Hat
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 113



« Reply #14 on: February 18, 2018, 02:22:53 PM »

@No-one (fantastic name btw)

Your advice is appreciated. I most certainly don't need the headache of her potential conflict. I have already been NC for almost a month, i imagine that is the best thing to do in this case right?

My IG is public, so i cant do much there, she deleted me, but didn't block her on snapchat so i can still search for her apparently. I don't want to block simply because it might be provacative?

In the event she initiates contact, the best thing would be to just ignore? I really wanted to clarify this whole "lied about everything" claim she made, but it seems that will be a mistake to engage and just best to leave it alone.

As for the advice on the online dating/ meet ups, thank you. i will keep that all in mind.
Logged

The person that initially attracted me, was no more than a mirage in a mirror.

150 Days - 6.22.18
The Cat in d Hat
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 113



« Reply #15 on: February 18, 2018, 02:58:38 PM »

Another detail, in her last convo after blocking me most places, she said "we are two people who just briefly existed for each other" before she went into full rage about never trusting me. I sensed a lot projection along the way too, as many may see as well if you've read my experience. Again just wanting to know what to expect and how to handle it.
Logged

The person that initially attracted me, was no more than a mirage in a mirror.

150 Days - 6.22.18
No-One
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 356



« Reply #16 on: February 18, 2018, 05:19:34 PM »

I have already been NC for almost a month. I imagine that is the best thing to do in this case right?

I don't want to block simply because it might be provacative?

In the event she initiates contact, the best thing would be to just ignore? I really wanted to clarify this whole "lied about everything" claim she made, but it seems that will be a mistake to engage and just best to leave it alone.
The Cat in d Hat:
The decision on what to do has to be yours.  In my opinion, your best bet is to stay "NC" and to NOT respond to any future attempts by her to contact you.

As for gaining clarification regarding her comment, "You lied about everything", it would be futile for you to expect a satisfactory answer.  Many people with BPD traits engage in a "blame game" - everything is someone's fault. 

An emotionally healthy person likely would have taken you using a fake name on the dating app as nothing to be concerned about.  You were being cautious and protecting your professional reputation (once you name is out there on the Internet, you can't undo it).  She exaggerated the situation to mean you "lied about everything".

One BPD trait is everything is black or white, all or nothing. There is a tendency to NOT be able to see something in between.  She took that situation about using a fake name to construe it to mean you "lied about everything".   She won't understand what she has done, and thereby won't be able to give you any answer that might make you feel better. (unless she is in therapy and open to explore and improve "splitting" behaviors)

I believe I read that you say she is very intelligent.  Intelligence, by itself, doesn't make for a successful person or a desirable relationship partner.  It's the combination of intelligence (IQ) and emotional intelligence (EQ) that makes for a successful person.  Unfortunately, it is common for very intelligent people to lack in emotional intelligence.

In conclusion:
It's your decision, but staying NC is probably best.  At some point, you might want to evolve to blocking her on everything.  You might explore different blocking options on various forms of social media.  I think Facebook has some blocking levels.

I'd be careful what you share on any social media that she can see or respond to.  You never know when she might lash out.  In that light, the more blocking the better.  You have a reputation to protect, as a future member of the medical community. 

Should she try to do a smear campaign against you, you might be the one who needs to document for a possible restraining order.  So in deciding whether to block or not, you need to consider the entire picture and what's the potential for damage.  There could be an advantage to blocking for everything at one time.  If she is angry about being blocked on one form of media, she won't be able to lash out on whatever she still has access to.  Blocking on everything could give you some peace of mind.  If blocking her phone number isn't enough, you may need to get a new phone number. 

If you had had a long-term face-to-face relationship with her, you might be more tempted to possibly have some future contact.  She is very new to you, so best to cut your losses sooner versus later.  Let's assume that it isn't possible to get any intelligent or accurate answer about the meaning of "You lied about everything".  With that out of the equation, why would you respond to any attempt by her to contact you? 

The beginning of a relationship is as good as it gets. Does she have any important attributes for the long run - to be a successful partner?  It can be flattering, and somewhat addictive, to have someone interested in you and to flirt back and forth.  When a relationship becomes unhealthy or detrimental in some way, it's time to cease contact.

If you might have to fight the urge to reply, should she contact you again, you might want to step back and examine the situation more deeply (setting aside the issue of "You lie about everything".  Could you have a bit of co-dependency? 

Logged
The Cat in d Hat
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 113



« Reply #17 on: February 18, 2018, 06:13:23 PM »

Thank you No-one.

Ill begin to take some precautions, and 100% keep NC forever. I don't need to explain anything to her, nor do i want to pursue this in any way shape or form.

The person that initially attracted me, was no more than a mirage in a mirror.

Ill take the necessary steps and make the changes needed where applicable, i wanted to keep my number but will entertain the idea of changing it. If she does initiate any form of contact, she will be ignored.

I've never attracted or been attracted to a person liken this before, just my lack of availability and her schedule combined delayed meeting her so long, and i am lucky that happened. it may have not even lasted this long if in person she was that infatuated with me in person it would have been huge flag and i likely would have shut it down. either way, thank you again to all
Logged

The person that initially attracted me, was no more than a mirage in a mirror.

150 Days - 6.22.18
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #18 on: February 18, 2018, 06:32:18 PM »

Glad you found us! Please keep us updated.
Logged

“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
The Cat in d Hat
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 113



« Reply #19 on: February 19, 2018, 03:10:25 PM »

Will do JNChell.

There’s a great community here, very supportive and helpful.
Logged

The person that initially attracted me, was no more than a mirage in a mirror.

150 Days - 6.22.18
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!