BPDFamily.com

Upon implementing a firm, yet necessary, boundary, my undiagnosed BPD husband lost his mind... . The man who I once knew, loved, and shared everything with (likely too much, in retrospect) has transformed into a monster. After various near-suicidal episodes and continued verbal, emotional, mental and psychological abuse towards my young son and me, I made him leave our home and secure a 6-month lease in an apartment nearby. My mind was certain that this would make it better... . he would realize what he was missing... . he would stop binge drinking, he would stop the nuclear episodes against me... . he would find peace and love... . It was the answer. I could not have been MORE wrong. He deplores me, to the point that I have had to institute even more extreme boundaries and a minimal/no contact communication environment with him.

The process of detaching myself from him was so incredibly difficult initially... . It is still very hard, but now I see it from a different perspective. Much of the time, I am in a confused state, wondering if I am crazy, did I confabulate this, what could I have done differently, how could I not see this happening, why did I stay so long, why am I not staying longer... . my mind goes and goes and goes. His grandmother was schizophrenic, his mother narcissistic, and he's abused alcohol for the last 19 years that I've known him. The signs were there, but I never in a million years imagined that he wouldn't, we couldn't, get through anything. But I refuse to live on a hope and dream any longer... . allowing someone to control and manipulate me with hatred, rage and abuse. Slowly but surely, I am seeing a light in the distance. My heart feels like it is crumbling... . But at least I am working now on getting better myself... . and protecting my son. I'm not sure what the future holds, but each day is an opportunity for me to parent my son in a stable, healthy environment without the craziness that he has experienced. I love watching him be a kid... . and not interwoven into adult issues which causes a great deal of stress and confusion.

I'm going to therapy and Al-Anon every week... . I'm reading Codependent No More... . constantly researching on my phone... . and I cry every night in the bathtub when my son sleeps. Then I wake up, wash, rinse... . repeat. The irony is that I am happy, happy with my life, my family, friends, lucky to have a great job, wonderful son... . And as excruciating as this is, I've resigned myself to making each moment as positive as possible, knowing how precious time is... . we never get it back.

Not sure what each day holds... . But I refuse to let him hold me down, hold me back, strangle me with his anger, and most importantly, continue this cycle with my young, impressionable, amazing, sweet five-year old son. I'm an adult, so I can put it into a framework of understanding. Kids cannot.

I'd appreciate and welcome any input or suggestions on what else I could do at this time... . or anything else that will help me to completely emerge from this fog... . Thank you for reading.

Elizabeth -- thank you sharing your story.  I'm sorry you are in this situation, but I want to affirm the hard work you have done (setting boundaries, detaching, reading, learning).  You have faced a lot, and done so much to protect yourself and your son. 

One thing that stands out is your ability to acknowledge and have gratitude for the positive things in your life ("I am happy, happy with my life, my family, friends, lucky to have a great job, wonderful son".

Detaching from our relationships is extraordinarily difficult.  In fact, for me, it might be the most difficult thing I've ever done.  I feel like I have disassembled myself completely, and that I'm trying to put the parts back together again (albeit in a more healthy way).

A couple things that have helped me on this journey:  (1) mindfulness meditation (guided, via podcasts and audiobooks -- Tara Brach, is one), and (2) working the steps of detachment (see right column).   

I'm glad you are part of this community.