BPDFamily.com

From the reading I have done, BPD is not an extremely common personality disorder (thank goodness!). However, in my life I have a dBPD mother, a dBPD sister in law, and a disordered MIL who has characteristics of BPD but not as dead on as the others.

My long term boyfriend also has an ex wife. For the past few years I have been indirectly in power struggles with her. He has two children with her and she uses them against him every chance she gets. Shes always hard to deal with, but over the holidays she made things extremely difficult, being so irrational in her arguments, blaming him when she was the one who had an affair and filed a divorce from him, keeping his children away from my poor bf after christmas... .  I was getting so angry. Everything we did in trying to remain rational and civil somehow blew back up in my face, it was exhausting! when all of a sudden it clicked- she is a very sick lady. In the last 3 years she has checked herself into a psych ward for anxiety, takes lots of prescription meds and fights with her family consistently. Is it possible that there would be another BPD in my life? that would be 4 mentally ill people! I dont know her well enough to truly give her a diagnosis- but what I do know of her is she has several traits (unstable relationships, takes no accoutability, highs/lows, has been suicidal, molested as a child... .  ) Whats strange is I just accepted this one recently. After all this time it finally clicked, "yup im dealing with another one here."

so my question is how can I have this many mentally sick people around me? My non BPD father once told me "if you can figure out how to deal with your mother... .  you can deal with any person in this world" I think his words of wisdom are correct, but all these people around me sure do make it challenging. Not one of them takes accountability for their behavior- each one is heavily medicated for anxiety, depression, etc... .  but not one is in therapy for the disorder. I dont have room for anymore crazy so I pray I can recognize these characteristics in others to keep them at an arms length should I stumble upon anymore... .  

The relatives are just bad luck I guess, but people you choose to be with, it could be your personality.  I know my exBPD moved on to another guy who was previously married to a person with NPD, I think they look for a certain type that may put up with their illness.

I think they look for us! But I also think that our being drawn into these relationships is maybe our own subconscious desire to either a) make it right, in other words, change the past wounds and scars.  Or b) it is another lesson thrown in front of us.  

What I take the lesson to be is to

#1 recognize the behaviour for what it is, not what they try to tell you it is.  Trust yourself.

#2 Figure out the best way for YOU to get through the situations presented to you during the relationship.

#3 Know that there isn't much you can do to help the person, you can only help yourself, and maybe some of those scorched by the behaviour.  

#4 Realizing that there is LIFE to be lived without the drama.  A good one.  

I also read a book about codependency a long time ago.  So long I can't remember the name of it.  It was geared toward codep with addictions, but the one line I remember in it went something like this.  Just because you have read this book, doesn't mean you won't be in a codep relationship again.  It will happen.  But having armed yourself with knowledge, hopefully you will recognise it sooner, and be able to extricate yourself quicker.  I've remembered that all these years!  At this point in my life, I have 5 BPDs, in my family.  I choose not to have much contact with them.  I have to remind myself every time they attempt to of what I could be getting myself into. So it's a choice, if I do. It's better knowing going in than being blindsided, isn't it?

I do agree! my best friend of 20 years always jokes and says the "the crazies are drawn to me." even just in friendships over the years- I swear they find me.

I really appreciated your post. Maybe I am forever trying to make things right... .  I still fall guilty of doing it with my mother. These posts made me think too... .  I am the child of a dBPD mother, my brother ended up marrying one(whose my SIL)... .  and I ended up with a man who was previously married to one, and is also the child of one. Whether its a codependent need we fill for one another or just a deep understanding for each other that some people from "normal" famillies will never understand- it is truly a lifelong lesson for me. your # 4 hit home for me too :)

Upward, thanks for responding to ME.  Yes, there is a nice happy funny life without the drama.  I find I like a little drama, maybe crave it?, but have chosen to dial it up when I want it.  (TV).  Scary movies for the adrenaline, and gossipy soap operas to replace that of my family of origin. 

I was talking to my step son in law about his other mother in law.  Shes always hysterical.  As I was telling him about my mom, and the way she could manufacture drama, he shook his head, and said, Why are people like that?  I laughed and told him, they're kinda adrenaline junkies, they want to be upset.  I told him I could go off on a rant about anything, having watched her and my sister for years.  He said, ":)are" and pointed to a kids toy in the WIC office.  I ranted for two minutes about unsafe toys for children, unsanitary public toys, rolling into the spread of the flu virus, ending in fake tears, and my hand across my chest.