BPDFamily.com

Hey people,

So me and my girlfriend broke up in April and since then she's made it look like she was getting back with me twice, twice we had sex a couple of weeks after breaking up and then she went quiet but, blocked and unlocked me we finally seemed to be making some progress yesterday and the day before about a month of not seeing each other we were kissing cuddling etc.

Last night she told me she loved me and today I made a mistake of turning up at her work and her house and she looked at me like a completely different person, pure hatred.

Now she says move on and is ignoring me again... .

What do I do about this? I really want her back despite how badly she's treated me as I felt like there was still something but why is she doing this to me? it's like she doesn't give a damn about me but she says she does.

It's like the harder I try the more she runs away and I just can't win I've tried leaving her alone, being nice, etc. I just don't get it.

Will she be hurting like I am or am I not even in her mind at all?  

Whatever I try to do she says is wrong and just gets annoyed but last night I actually felt like I was getting somewhere I even got an 'i love you' text which I haven't had since we split up... .

I saw her for about 2 hours combined yesterday and the day before and assumed I could see her today for a half an hour or something (wrongly) so I showed up at her work and asked her to see me on her break which she got angry about.

I want her back but it's hurting me too much and when I finally seem to be making progress she pushes me away again I don't know if it's even possible I just want to cuddle her and she only lives 3 miles away but it feels like she lives in Afghanistan or something.

Now I'm getting the silent treatment yet again and her last text to me was move on and she slammed the door in my face. How do they live with themselves all the cruelty? What did I do wrong, fall in love that was all... .

I have never felt shi**er than this in my entire life but I STILL WANT her. She could literally stab me in the face and I'd still probably want her, I can't get my head around this the pain is just too much.

How did she say that i love you? Did she say "i love you, but i cant be together with you" or she said "i love you and want to get back with you"? There is a big difference

She said she's moving away so it was more like "I love you but I can't be with you I'm moving away for 6 months"

this may have been a bit overwhelming for her.

if you want to reconcile the relationship, i strongly encourage you to post on the Saving board and learn the tools on that board.

right now you are over-responding to her friendly overtures, and this is likely pushing her away.

Well why would she kiss and cuddle me and tell me she loved me one day and then the next not want to see me?

Honestly, what the F***? Am I missing something or what?

She says I'm doing all the things she's telling me not to but I'm simply trying to show her that I still care and I want to see her. I want her back... .What do normal people do if they love someone? Sit back and wait for someone else to come and take you away? Am I retarded or what? Showing up simply because I wanted to see her is pushing her further away? How do I get her back then? Sit back and wait for her to go with someone else?

theres a middle ground here.

i understand you want to show you care. sometimes we can be self defeating in trying to "prove" this to someone.

play the long game, here. dont over pursue or smother, but take things slowly.

do you want me to move this to the Saving board, or do you want to focus on detaching?

Is it too late for me to do that now (the long game)?

I have showed up a few times when she was ignoring me, I couldn't help myself... .

Every time I thought I was making progress with her she did the same things again... .

I want her back and I know she has feelings for me somewhere but she just blocks them off, I really don't get it. It's hard for me to deal with this... .

it takes a lot of strength and resilience to be in these relationships, msh. that involves getting grounded and level headed, and making decisions from a place of Wisemind; not getting caught up in the push/pull dynamics.

it doesnt sound like its too late. but youre going to have to affect real changes and stop the self defeating behaviors. we have a lot of great tools here on the Saving board that can help you understand her behaviors, and understand your own, and how they might be self defeating, and how to get on a healthier path. the lessons and tools are directly to the right of your screen. if you want to get on a healthier track and give this the best shot you can, i think the most important thing you can do for yourself is dive into them.

i think a good place to start would be here:

Tools: The Do's and Don'ts for a BPD relationship
It takes a great deal of strength to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.  Other important points: Realistic Expectations; Accepting the Role of "Emotional Caretaker"; Protection; Preserve Your Emotional Health; Understanding Your Motivations. Read about these key points.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship
 

It's been a month since she broke up with me and since then it's been block/unblock on Facebook and WhatsApp etc. Then when I finally feel I'm making progress and getting her to open up to me again she does this.

She's ignoring my messages on WhatsApp at the moment, just reading them and not replying. She also said 'move on' after last night. But why is she still keeping communication open? Is that good or bad? Have I done too much damage already?

msh, you are enmeshed in the push/pull dynamics and not seeing the bigger picture here.

you havent done too much damage, but you will if you dont stop the self defeating behaviors. she is communicating to you that she needs space. read no more or less into that. use the time to work on yourself, and review the lessons we have here. they will help.

My point is though that how do I know she isn't seeing anybody else?

She acts like she isn't interested but then when I'm with her she can't resist kissing me.

I don't get it. Am I waiting around for something that's never going to happen? Or for her new guy to make a mistake?

Just to clarify, we have been broken up for just over a month... .

youve described nothing that gives cause to believe shes seeing someone else. shes said she isnt. could she be? sure. but right now thats all you have to go by.

youre not powerless in this, and you dont have to wait. theres a lot to be learned, and you can use your time bettering yourself, getting grounded, learning more about the disorder, and getting back to the confident, upbeat guy she fell for in the first place.

if you do those things and it still doesnt work out, i assure you that youll save yourself a lot of heartache, have some skills and tools to take to future relationships, and be grateful that you maintained your dignity even years from now.

As long as she has kept communication open does that mean there's a chance for me to see her again? Even if she's said move on and she isn't replying to my messages?

Also, what would you recommend I read to learn more about what I shouldn't do? i.e chasing her... etc.

Those are just normal reactions are they not? I mean, she's adamant I'm doing the wrong things all the time but those are just normal responses, I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

showing up at her work and home is over pursuing. if shes telling you youre doing the "wrong things" and you continue doing them, its a violation of her boundaries.

we often employ self defeating behaviors in these relationships, even with the best of intentions.

as far as reading a bit more about why some of this behavior is self defeating, we have a good poll and discussion here. youll see that lots of us have fallen into these dynamics. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=307516.0

I just want to know whether the damage has been done now with me showing up quite a few times or if I can still salvage anything.

Maybe I'm mad for wanting that but I do feel there is some chemistry between us and I don't understand how she can just turn her feelings on and off whenever she wants to... .

Can I still redeem myself or is it too late, with her saying move on?

its never too late to improve the situation. thats not a guarantee for reconciling the relationship, but it will give it the best shot possible. right now improving the situation is about stopping the bleeding and not making things worse. she wants space. if you give it to her, it may prompt her, in some time, to reach out, at which point you want to be centered and grounded, armed with new skills and tools, and appearing desirable, like the guy she fell for in the first place.

Hello msh28,

please take on board what once removed and Emotions are advising here. Be kind to yourself, I know it's easier said than done believe me I do.  Focus on yourself do things for yourself & discover who you are as a person. Let your ex see the person they were attracted to & fell for.  Don't expect a reconciliation, but your chances are improved by doing things for yourself.
My ex g with BPD has a new bf all be it long distance currently, until she meets him in July, but I'm hoping she'll see & be able to reflect on what a good decent & attractive person I am whilst she's there & what's she's giving up. But for me like you there's no guarantees & it pains me to say it.
My ex is my soul mate, life partner somebody I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, & I ain't looking through rose tinted glasses either. I'm learning every day via this website about her condition, it's giving me therapy & understanding that I did nothing wrong despite my ex g dropping me after 6 years this April.

I gave everything to support her, I became lost as a person because her illness took everything out of me. I am learning tools for my own self esteem & self awareness & understanding of the illness. But you know we may reconcile & if we do I have learned so much that will make it better more fulfilling relationship, & if not then so be it. But please back off & give her space.

Good luck.

So let her contact me first? What if she doesn't? She hasn't initiated contact since we were together it was always me.

Just let her do this in her own time & way if & when she's ready. You have to be patient here if you're not already. Don't be needy & smothering her, back off give her space okay?

I am trying man it's hard...

What if she never contacts me? it's possible... .

If this is her idea of love then I dunno what hate would be like... .

I know it's hard dude I really do I understand  None of us can predict the future or what will/won't happen. We do learn things about ourselves when in these intense difficult times, but try & take on board what others are advising here to give you a better chance of reconciliation, that's all I can say.

Msh stay strong it gets better in a couple of weeks. NO STORM LASTS FOREVER. Get up and go for a run, or call a family member and talk there ear off. If you really need to chat about this message me and we can talk. I am in the same boat but I'm not gonna let it sink, I will keep myself afloat and focus on ME as much as I do her. You needed her in your life for some reason, but think of her as a toy you wanted in the store when you were young and your parent said no. It's not your choice anymore. Eat the poop sandwich each day until it starts to taste better. Hang in there and train your mind to focus on something other than her. Be strong and be the charioteer of your thoughts.

I loved her more than anyone I've ever been with before so that's why it's so hard and I don't know why, maybe it was her BPD that made me love her more I dunno... .

It's just sick and twisted and more than I could ever understand. I've tried, I've read so many different books looking for the answers and I'm still confused at how she could 'love me' one day and the next completely switch off her feelings and end it with me.

Then, meet up with me on four different days over the last month since we've been broken up, make me feel like I'm finally getting somewhere with her, then toss it all away again saying the same things... .

It's always my fault for everything. I can't get my head around it. I just want her back, like before. Will she feel this way in every one of her relationships (same chemistry) or is it actually different with me? Or maybe she's just good at acting, I don't know... .

I'll be back in a bit, I'm going to go get a pizza. This is a victory to me that I'm starting to have an appetite. See even stuff like this is a big deal to me. I'm thinking constantly about her and clinically depressed, while she has no idea and is out laughing and loving another. I love her but f that. I love my self respect and sanity just as much. For a while get a pencil and paper and write down your thoughts, both good and bad. Peace hang tight and know that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Sweat this one out until you become equal to her in your mind. Do you have any other alternative? If someone you cared about was treated like this, what advice would you give them? And be honest  if someone treated my mom like this I would try to sabotage her relationship that's all I'm saying. Peace hang tight.

It seemed likely to me that she was seeing someone else but every time I asked the obvious she point blank denied it and got pissed off saying she had sworn on her mum's life she wasn't (she loves her mum and her mums ill) but does that change anything IF she is, like the definition of BPD, a compulsive liar?

It seemed like she was stringing me along just coming to visit me when she had spare time to kill (when new man isn't around) like Saturday night for example. I couldn't even call her, she'd insist on calling me but only after her Mum went to bed. She lives with her Mum, I can't see her being THAT busy with only her Mum in the house... .

Wasn't replying to text messages straight away, was taking like half an hour at least to reply to one and even when she was at work when she would usually reply straight away she was taking ages.

Does it sound like I'm right or am I just being stupid? Despite the fact she said she "swears on her mum's life"?

Apparently the post moved, I was under the impression that you guys have broken up. A half an hour is not that long of time (It can feel long when your used to getting an immediate response) mine would go 12 hours without a response. I would get another opinion other than mine because she might be telling the truth. Keep the light in love just protect yourself also. I'll be around. Peace

We have broken up but I'd like to think she still has some feelings for me at least, especially after telling me she loved me the other day. I dunno if she does but every thing I seem to do is wrong... .

She says I haven't given her space but I'm panicking because she has BPD so I was under the impression she would of just forgotten about me with all of these defence mechanisms she has.

I don't know if I should even bother hoping, she's been so nasty to me I just felt like there was something special between us and she's thrown it away.

We broke up a month ago and there have been periods of her texting me, ignoring me, blocking me, replying to my texts again, but I'm not sure what the point in it is. I'm not sure how I can rekindle it and make her see that I am a decent guy and she's letting it all go to waste.

It hurts that she doesn't think of me like I think of her... .How is it so easy for her to just walk away?

Since we broke up its been me initiating every form of contact and if I didn't text her I don't think she would ever text me. It's kind of like I'm begging her for something but I can't help it, I can't help hoping that she still feels something for me and that she's reminded of me by some things.

It's so hard not to send her a message but I can't do it in the fear that she will ignore me.

success or failure will not be based on "triggering her abandonment fears". abandonment fears are deep seated, part of a deep seated belief system, and not necessarily conscious.

and this really is about us, not our partners. its about our self defeating behaviors. while it is expected that our partners have real limitations, the vast majority are not clinically BPD, but have traits. in other words, there is plenty of capacity for change. it takes one person to stop the bleeding and not make things worse. that can improve things a lot on their end. ideally, our partners follow our lead. sometimes, regardless of BPD, relationships still fail for valid reasons.

it is true that the goal here should be to get healthy - thats a no lose proposition. its also true that sometimes the relationship satisfaction changes for one or both partners as a result.

msh28, ruminating is a natural response to trauma, and god knows i talked everyone around me silly, but i think its diminishing your ability to take in advice and make grounded decisions. you might want to open a separate thread for ruminating and questions, and another for learning, taking in advice, working the tools, a plan going forward, and letting us know how we can best support you.

The only advice I need is how to get her back as she obviously has feelings somehow, no matter how much she tries to turn them off but each time I try to talk her round, she isn't have any of it. I just want to get back together with her as what we had was good but she just can't see that, I dunno if she's got someone else (she says she hasnt) so why not give it a try? baffles me... .

members have given you a lot of advice in this regard. can you summarize some of what youve taken in?

Give her space and then ghost her... .

Although I don't know if this will work since the last time I had any contact with her was two days ago when she slammed the door in the face and told me to move on. The day before that she told me she loved me, so maybe I shouldn't of showed up and just given her space but that was my normal reaction. Now I'm being ignored again.

i dont recommend ghosting her. just stop chasing, and begging.

give her space because she has requested (demanded) it. showing up at her work and home will not only push her away, it can escalate into legal territory. you dont want that.

but the advice youve been given has not been limited to giving her space. if you give her space and then continue with the same behaviors, the result will be the same. on the contrary, you should use that time to learn more about the disorder, about yourself, and focus on self improvement.

have you been reading about the lessons and tools we have here, or perhaps through the posts of other members? do you have any questions about them?

It's just confusing her telling me to give her space, it's been over a month of us going round in circles with her behaviour (pushing and pulling) talking to me and then ignoring me... .

I could understand if we broke up a couple of weeks ago but I feel as though I've left it enough time.

I know what I did wrong now, I cared too much. I also have personal problems which may have contributed towards it (my own stress) that still haven't been resolved but I was thinking that if she loved me she would be with me and it should be simple I shouldn't have to talk to her she should message me, surely?

Do they just move on like nothing happened? Or do they actually see the good in certain people? Because I felt like we had a real connection, maybe she never felt the same way, I don't know.

it is confusing. learning more about the disorder will help you with a lot of these questions. you have the keys here, msh.

MSH

I spend my time on the Parenting Board; it has changed my life. I learnt that I cannot change anybody - only myself and how I react. 

My dear man, my heart goes out to you and it's no wonder you're feeling so very confused and bereft. There's just been so much for you to cope with since last August and I'm terribly sorry about this and your current situation. You sound like a very caring person and I can see that you've been highly emotional for some time.


You haven't left it enough time. There are no quick fixes.


Yes, you're correct.


That must hurt terribly.


She cannot help the way she behaves.

I don't believe you are listening MSH.

Would you like me to try and help you?

Hugs

LP

I'm trying to read and take in what everyone is saying but I still feel like I'm missing something.

If she did love me, she would be with me, no? So why do I need to give her space? On the times we've met up after she dumped me saying she couldn't trust me, she actually looked like she gave a ___ and showed me some affection but then, stupidly, when I turned up at her house thinking I could see her, she went crazy and said move on. Now she's ignoring my messages again.

Yeah, I would appreciate any help, LP - because I am not in a good position here. If the reason was that she couldn't trust me (for a reason that I don't know) that doesn't make sense how she's turned off her feelings so quickly after breaking up with me.

She has seemed to find it so easy while I'm the one who's struggling. She's been so cruel and nasty and she can't even remember the good times we shared.

"So why do I need to give her space?"

I'm not BPD but I am an introvert and an empath and I need my space, no matter how much I love someone. The human condition is not that simple. It is possible for a person to love someone deeply and truly and still want space from them. I'm not saying that's the case with your person, msh. I simply wanted to open you up to the possibility that needing space even when in love and wanting to be with someone does exist and may be natural for some.

Hi msh28,

This kind of situation hurts so intensely—I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know how confusing and excruciating the push/pull dynamics can be. It can feel like a rollercoaster that has gone off the rails, or a merry-go-round that never stops. The only thing to do in these cases is to move toward the center, where things are calm and you can get your bearings again.

You might want to ditch the whole idea of "getting her back." Trying to control someone's behavior, or your own, in order to secure a certain outcome is a recipe for more pain, because in the blink of an eye, the other person can decide differently, and leave you with even more hurt than before. Every minute you are focusing on your girlfriend and how to make things go back to the way they were before is a minute lost to the person (you) who can change his circumstances.

I think the best thing you can do, as many others have said, is take this opportunityto step back, take a breath, learn about yourself and BPD, and feel your feelings. Her asking for space is doing you a favor. There is plenty to do, msh28, but none of it includes showing up or communicating with your girlfriend uninvited.

Can you press PAUSE on trying to control this situation and shift the focus onto something else? I promise it will help. 

heartandwhole

I will have to step back and I've read a lot about BPD but my thinking is that, if me and her are not going to get back together, I will not fall for someone else who has this disorder... .

It truly is the sickest thing I've ever experienced in life, being lied to and then being thrown away like a used tyre, seems like I wasted all of my time reassuring someone of my love while she was doing whatever the f*** she was doing behind my back, it just doesn't add up in my head and the more I read, the more I question things.

But she'll never give me the answers I want. I feel so f**king angry that I've been led on, lied to and deceived by such a sick and twisted person. I hope she gets her Karma, if it really does exist.

People with BPD who can't admit it to themselves need to be locked up because they cause more pain than anything. Basically she offloaded all of her sh** and messed up stories of things that have happened to her, onto me.

And the funniest part is, I was the one who was made to look like the crazy one. I was the one who almost committed suicide but still, silent treatment. The worst thing you can do to a person.

I'm even starting to wonder if I have BPD after all of this, I definitely don't feel normal how I was before I moved in with her. I'm now the needy one, feeling like I NEED HER to make things better and she's just being a cruel b****.

I would like to remind everyone that on Staying we are focused on constructive problem solving and our own personal growth and compassion. We are striving to provide leadership in our relationships and to manage them as well as we can.

Therefore, we,
~ Do not use this board as a place to complain about your partner's behavior without seeking constructive relationship advice.
~ Do not seek validation for your position in a family quarrel without seeking constructive ways to resolve conflict.
~ Do not discuss leaving the relationship, or  physically staying in the relationship while emotionally detaching and shutting down.
~ Do not develop topics that encourage other members to share negative aspects of staying.

These topics should be hosted on other boards.

msh28,

If she is getting the same vibe you are communicating here, she is going to be gone and over the hill. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I do want to get your attention. You're giving off a "weak, needy, and clueless about women" vibe. It's probably your anxiety getting the better of you.

Your first priority is to not make this worse. Right now that means doing nothing, getting yourself calm, and then engaging the members here in a discussion of how to get this on a better track.

Can you do this?

To be in a relationship like this you have to be strong and you have to have very keen people skills. There is work to do.

Hey people,

I explained that I kept showing up at my ex-gf's house and calling her etc. I haven't contacted her in two days after she ignored my messages and I am not going to contact her again since she slammed the door in my face.

Is there any way to redeem myself or is the damage done? I've already made myself appear needy but I wasn't sure what else to do as she keeps dropping hints that she misses me but then disappearing again.

What should I do, just ignore her?

Remember msh I'm in the same boat as you. You can regain your own dignity by not texting her for let's start with 10 days... .once you begin this you will realize that it's her loss too. You Just as good of a person even without her around. (Probably better) She may or may not come to realize your good qualities again, but YOU will begin to remember  them. Once you do, you actually have a choice if she tries to contact you. In which case you might not even think of her the same way. You have to let her go (not forever) but for what we would consider a long time. Long enough to change your current perspective. I actually called my exBPD mom again at her work and left a message. It helped a little for me, but I wish I didn't have to, I was just trying to get the craving out of my head. I'm thankful for my time apart from my exBPD and although I would go another few rounds in the ring with her, I would have such a better chance at being happy. Good luck and control your negative emotions at all cost.

As others have said, the best chance at saving the relationship is for you to focus on yourself right now and your dignity. I realize that sounds counter-intuitive, but it's true.

I did the same as you and chased, begged, cried, and pleaded. In my mind, I thought that I was showing her how much I loved her. It actually had the opposite effect. What it showed her was that I cared more about my own feelings (the desire to have the hurt soothed) than hers. It showed her that I wasn't strong enough to be in a relationship with her. And, it showed that she could treat me any way that she wanted to treat me and I'd be begging her to come back and give me more.

People who present BPD traits tend to live in a world governed by emotions. Fears are very powerful emotions. Thus, pwBPD need to feel safe. Having a partner that is clingy and needy does not provide them with a sense of strength. This makes the partner less attractive to the pwBPD.

As I said, I did the whole chasing thing; I think that many of us here have. That was before we knew any better though. We were doing the best that we could with the tools that we had available at the time. There is no shame in that. It just means that we needed to learn new, healthier tools.

Is there any way for my BPD ex to see me in a more positive light (like before) after I've already been discarded?

Do they come back ever? Do they miss us at all? Or is it once we're out of the way, the forget us completely?

I'm only asking because I'm plotting some form of revenge (not physical or anything to break the law) but I don't want to carry it out if there is a chance she still has feelings for me and isn't the cold hearted b**** that she's behaving like at this point in time.

Why you want revenge? She has a personality disorder, she already live in pain.

Hey msh28: 
I'm so sorry about the hurt you are experiencing.  There isn't a way to predict whether she will come back.  Give her some time and space.  Without that, you push her away further.


Sounds like you need to do some venting.  You will only cause yourself more grief and problems if you aim for revenge.  Write out what you are feeling and what you would like to do, but don't actually do those things.  You can post your rant here (you are anonymous), or you can write in some form of a journal (written or electronic form). Some people write out their thoughts (handwritten or printed out), and then destroy it in some manner. 

Don't launch a vindictive smear in social media, or whatever vindictive actions you are considering.  Be the emotionally intelligent one.  In hindsight, you will feel better about it.

Every time I've messaged her she's opened the message and just ignored it.

I mean, sh** I must of meant nothing at all to this person, thing, whatever it is.

She seems pretty happy to me, seemed pretty happy that day after she dumped me.

It's natural to want to hurt them back because they hurt us too.

But don't - there's a million ways it can turn against you, and regardless of the way she treated you she can end up looking like the wronged party - and there's nothing more that BPDs like than to jab and provoke their nons into exploding and then they can stand back looking like the injured party and you're left looking like a fool and flailing for others to see your side of the story - which they won't.

I suggest you work on accepting the harsh truth of the situation and try to move forward and don't dwell on ways to get our own back, because believe me I speak from experience, that sh*t will eat you up and become toxic to you.

Here I am, unemployed, stressed, probably looking at the end of my sex life or a very sh*t one at least (if you read my other thread) in my 20's, and she's just carrying on with no guilt or remorse for the way she's treated me. Slagging me off behind my back, ignoring me, blocking and deleting me from her.life like I meant nothing all along and it was just a sick illusion or just killing time.

I almost commit suicide over it all, all the stress and how worthless I feel because of the way it was done and she is still out there not giving a sh**.

How can I begin to get my head around the fact there are such sick and twisted people in the world who have no idea what it's like to be completely destroyed and lied to, pretending they love you so they can just use you, really... .

I can't even hope that she will change her mind because, as I've read on these boards, they don't even think of you once you are out of the way.

You really want her back.

First you make unannounced appearance at her work and home.

Now you are plotting revenge or an attack of some kind.

Honest questions... .

Do you think this will get her back?
Do you think this make you feel less hurt?

No, to both questions... .

But I am still struggling to come to terms with it and it feels like some sort of sick joke.

Question... .

Do they ever think of us when they are with their replacements? Little things we do or things that our replacements don't do that we did etc?

msh28,

This is the Saving board... .do you want to talk about how to not make matters worse? Do the best you can to save this? We talked about strength and people skills.

Also, earlier you said there was no indication of another party involved.

Skip

I am trying to save this but every time I explain myself I feel like she doesn't listen and we're going round and round in circles. There are some things that she's convinced herself of and I can't seem to explain myself no matter how hard I try that it's just not true. It's like banging my head off of a brick wall... .

I am now suffering from some kind of sexual dysfunction that I think may be permanent and she won't believe that it's something I can't change and not the fact that I find her unattractive. Why would anyone be with someone they found unattractive? I am honestly in the worst possible position to try and make her understand, she was coming to the hospital with me about it all and then suddenly changed her mind and convinced herself I ain't attracted to her anymore... .

Also, I'm not sure if there is another party involved but it seems like it could be possible. 
 

Because what you have been trying to do hasn't been working, why not try something new?

No one likes being told that he/she is wrong. Your trying to explain your side of things is doing just that to her. So, rather than trying to get her to see your view, why not stop doing that?

Around here, we refer to what you wrote as JADE'ing (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0). It is a very common reaction when we are falsely accused of something. As explained in the article that I just linked, when we try to Justify, Argue, Defend, and/or Explain. When we stop doing these things, it tends to end the circular arguments for there is nothing to argue about anymore.

After you read the link, let us know if you're open to trying to not JADE. We know that it's hard not to do, but many of us have learned to stop doing it, so you can learn to as well.

How am I supposed to get her back without explaining my side of the story?

She dumped me because she cannot trust me, apparently but I'm not buying it.

It just makes no sense. I gave her no reason not to trust me.

Sounds like she's projecting. Basically her saying she can't trust you is her way of knowing you can't trust her but she can't begin to paint herself in a negative light so projects her faults on to you - regardless of their validity.

thats a fair question. i have to ask though, how many times are you willing to do it as opposed to trying something new, when it isnt working?

BPD involves a general belief system that is distrusting of others by nature. if you were going to convince her of anything, you would have by now.

are you ready to try something new?

What else can I actually try?

Somebody said trigger their abandonment or whatever, but can that be done after you've been discarded?

I don't feel like anything I do actually has an impact and when I try to get through to her she just turns it all back around on me every time, like she can't accept any of the blame.

She doesn't trust you. Are you thinking triggering her fear is a way to build trust?

Why doesn't she trust you - what happened?

But she hasn't been abandoned. You have. Or at least that's what it feels like. She's put you on hold until her latest relationship breaks down, then more than likely you'll be recycled.

You certainly haven't abandoned her, you're there for her 24/7 if she's only just let you.

You have to move on with your life and let her go - stop chasing and being there for her. Stop replying or validating her attempts at communication. Essentially you have to abandon her for her to even notice the hole that's in her life now you're gone.

It's counterintuitive to what you want, as if you abandon her you'll never be together - but that's why we're all here - none of the actions associated with BPDs make any sense - which is also why so many of us are shredded inside from trying to make sense of their crazy.

Human nature isn't logical, GuySmiley. Two days ago msh28 was thinking about using revenge - yet he wants his girlfriend back.  Is he crazy?  Or is he emotionally flooded.

pwBPD traits get emotionally flooded more easier than most and they act the way emotionally flooded people act.

Clearly, msh28 is crowding her and invalidating her, and being needy and she is backing off. That is to be expected.

But before that happened, she drifted off, and if there is any hope of reconnecting, there has to be some understanding of why? The crowding her and invalidating her, and being needy was added on top of the original problem.

The key to making sense of any of this is to think back at all the clues she has given and see what is bothering her. There have be periodic fights - what is it all about?

I personally think you're giving BPDs too much leeway here.

A huge percentage of us on these boards have been discarded and more often than not it's because we've simply run our course in regards to being useful to our BPDs. To look for reasons or excuses to me is folly as they simply move the goal posts whenever we try to pin them down.

We've all had periodic fights with our exes - fights that have left us completely perplexed as to why they happened plus how could they have happened with people who we were once so close to. Fights that brew up out of nowhere and for really petty reasons. And the real reason they do brew up is because they project whatever current fear or negative feelings that have about themselves onto us and we push back, often bewildered, usually overcompensating in an attempt to show them how wrong they are and how loved they really are and it all snowballs.

msh28 wanted revenge a couple of days ago, now he's trying to understand and find reason or a way through it - and thats 100% natural - there's no one box you can assign your feeling to when going through this as they shift all the time.

I don't think it's right to try and validate the feelings of BPDs because I don't see them as victims here - I see them as selfish, childish opportunists who use up and spit out those who get attached to them. They simply don't have the emotional intelligence of regular adults to do the decent thing and let someone go once they've broken up. They have zero empathy for anyone outside their head and they have a complete lack of object consistency, so out of sight truly is out of mind.

He is trying to find a way to Save a relationship. This is not a Detaching or Conflicted board.

Let's support him in his objectives.

I don't quite understand the JADE thing and how it's supposed to help because how can I get her back if we don't talk about the issues that caused her to leave me in the first place (which were stupid to be honest) but she can't see that. She's so stubborn she never ever changes her mind. Makes me feel so worthless.

Hi msh28,

It can be really difficult to not jade when we are hurting so much, but it's such a helpful skill. When your feelings are more stable, you can start trying to communicate differently than you have been.

Listening with empathy is an extremely important skill when in a relationship with someone with BPD, because many have a high sensitivity and need for emotional support:

Listen with Empathy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy)

If you'd like to work on not JADEing, we have a workshop here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Which skill do you think will be the most helpful for your situation right now, msh28?

heartandwhole

Even more so when she's blatantly lying to me. I'm pretty sure she's seeing someone possibly even while we were still together but she will nt admit it.

What is the point now in just saying, I'm seeing somebody else?

Hi msh28,

So, from my personal experience and from some of what I've read from others, pwBPD really, REALLY like to have umbrellas... .And by that, I guess I mean rainy-day intimate partners. And by"like," I mean "need." And why not? It's almost practical. When we're hurting, we all can see the sense in having someone we know intimately around to validate our feelings. It's just that these people tend to be romantic partners with pwBPD. So, whether or not she is seeing someone else and there is some uncertainty, or she really just needs​ some space and is practically incapable of doing it, she is keeping the lines of communication open so that she can get that emotional validation when she needs it. But right now, it's only when she needs it, not when you need it. And you're conveniently keeping those lines open yourself, so she has constant access on those occasions when she feels she needs it.

My GF, for instance, practically has a harem of ex-boyfriends and current male friends. When she feels that our relationship is insecure (and sometimes that means too secure) she turns to them for support. No more than that, as far as I know... .But even then, it can be unhealthy. Some of those old relationships were extremely toxic, but they are always there, waiting for her should she feel the need to jettison our relationship.

Right now, I think that's what you are. And that doesn't mean she won't come back to you, I really can't say. Like I said, it may be that she really just actually needs space but doesn't know how to do that. But try to heed the advice that all these experienced and caring people are giving you--don't count on her coming back, focus on yourself. Ironically it might improve the chance that she will come back, but you really need to put that out of your mind if you can. If she does come back, be aware that it might not be the charmed affair that you knew before and can't forget.

*mod*

I am locking this thread because it has reached its length limit. The post originators is welcomed to open a continuation thread on this topic.  Have a great day.