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Title: Went NC with FOO need support Post by: CampingGirl on November 09, 2020, 10:01:00 AM Hello, quick background: I am 45 yrs old, happily married to a man that means the world to me. Both parents died before I was 19. Oldest sister wBPD is 55, middle sister is 49. OS developed BPD and bipolar I about 17 years ago. Ever since then, me and MS have been codependently taking care of OS. Giving so much financially, emotionally, giving so much attention and support. Had a big fight with MS 6 years ago since she was being horrible to my husband, she blamed him because he realized the sick toxic drama triangle and was not happy with me financially supporting another adult. MS yelled at my husband, and I finally cut her off. So relieved and happy ever since! My marriage improved so much!
However OS would not let it go, always calling me crying because she cannot handle the family being split apart, dumping her emotions on me. A few weeks ago she lashed out at my husband blaming him for all of our family’s problems and making him the bad guy. She was actually trying to make me turn against my own husband! I was furious and I finally grew a backbone and told her I was angry and never wanted to hear her attack him like that again. I was tired of being a people pleasing doormat. Have not heard from her since and I am relieved but of course sad. I tried so hard, but I don’t think my parents would have wanted me to sacrifice my life and happiness to take care of a grown adult who is almost 60. Still struggle with a little guilt though. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Title: Re: Went NC with FOO need support Post by: beatricex on November 09, 2020, 10:13:42 AM Hi CG,
This sounds like an extremely difficult situation. I am sorry for your turmoil, but it sounds like you have taken positive steps (going no contact, establishing your boundary, you will not be a doormat, etc) Hang onto your hubby, he sounds like a great guy :wee: B Title: Re: Went NC with FOO need support Post by: formflier on November 09, 2020, 11:57:05 AM *welcome*
You have several different questions swirling around in here. 1. How to maintain NC or LC with disordered/upset family members. 2. Should you support another adult. 3. If you choose to support another adult, what is the best way to do so. (to help them grown through it and not become dependent) Which of these would you like to focus on? A support system is critical. What does yours look like? It's obvious you have an awesome hubby...what does the rest of your support system look like. Best, FF Title: Re: Went NC with FOO need support Post by: CampingGirl on November 09, 2020, 12:04:00 PM Yes my husband is a wonderful man, I am so lucky to have him.
We get along great with his family, and we have friends. I forgot to mention that we were helping her out financially for many years, but this year I finally cut her off. It was not in a mean way at all, it’s because my husband promised his deceased mother that he would help his nephews go to college. We could help one or the other but not both. I think that gave her the feeling it was okay to attack us. I have come to terms with going NC because I tried so hard to make it work, but I just can’t do it anymore. I do have days where I feel guilty. |