BPDFamily.com

Two questions:  First, how do I make a non-"first time" post.  I cannot find the right icon or button to click.

Second.  I noted in my opening screed my BPD mate's starting a serious relationship within days after our breakup.  Indeed, she tried to start another 18 months ago when we were going through a rocky time.

Can anyone give me some insight as to what this dynamic is?  I really am having a hard time getting my head around it.

TX

Hurt, my ex left on a Thursday and was with another by the Saturday. It hurt really bad at the time however now in hindsight I see it clearly - he simply cannot be on his own - it makes him feel empty. He did in fact tell me this himself.

Borderlines mirror good - a new partner is good because there is no pattern established.

How are you going right now? How long ago did you separate?

Feeling I know enough I could probably write a book on the topic, I'll admit that while I understand the psychology behind this behavior, it's still one of the most difficult parts for any SO to deal with because that behavior naturally causes us to question the validity of any love/affection in the relationship they had with us.

Prior to dating, a friend of mine asked my now exBPD why she always needed to be dating someone and she replied that she didn't know why she did it, but she felt she had to do it. While we were together, she'd often tell me that she had difficulties being alone; just in general. She didn't like being in the house alone - or single. And no different than many other people, mine was with a different guy just days after we split.

As Clearmind said, someone suffering with BPD typically feels an emptiness inside; literally like they are hollow with this void inside of them. Relationships appear to help temporarily distract them from feeling this because they can adopt an identity based on their partner and gain a false sense of purpose due to the relationship.

The common breakup is either:

1. The person with BPD becomes dysregulated, abandonment fears are triggered and they end the current relationship - either outright or via self-sabotage (either way, it's because they believe their partner will leave them so they act first).

2. The SO of someone with BPD recognizes the dysfunction within the relationship and they end it. (but often #1 happens because the pwBPD already predicted this moment well before the relationship started).

My own research into the topic has suggested that if someone with BPD is abandoned first, they appear less likely to instantly begin a new relationship and will often try to win the partner back for a period of time first. If they do the abandoning, data suggests they are much more likely to form a new relationship in a very quick period (often having a new potential partner picked out before they actually end things with the former).

That seems incredibly cold to anyone with a healthier concept of love and there are other disorders where this same behavior is indeed cold, done by people with no capacity for empathy, who also used the person as a supply and nothing more. That's typically not the case with BPD.

If they are splitting their former partner to an evil person, then yes, it's possible some of their actions serve as a maladaptive coping mechanism and also a way to communicate pain by being hurtful or punishing towards that former partner.

But really, that relationship hopping behavior serves two purposes:

1. It prevents them from having to deal/cope with the emotions from whatever occurred in the previous relationship (they are hurting, they lost someone they did love - even if that form of love isn't the mature form an SO would expect) and

2. It provides a new source of attention/affection (because after a breakup, someone who constantly feels unlovable is certainly looking for someone to make them feel loveable - even if it's temporary).

If that replacement relationship ends or begins to have problems, depending on the pwBPD's current view of a former partner they may have reflected on what occurred and may contact that former partner in preparation to once again bounce out of their current relationship and into a new one (which would be back to a former partner).

Of course, this is an endless cycle because all of it is done to avoid dealing with the emotions that they need to be address rather than hide or run from. But that cannot happen without them being taught more effective methods to cope with those emotions and great effort on their part to take control of their reactions to those difficult emotions.

I hope that explanation helps you.

Thanks to both of you.  First, I am at about 5 weeks.  If it can be said, I am doing better, if bad verses devastation is a measuring stick.  I truly loved this women. 

To both of you:  She did line up the guy over week that i was traveling, then made arrangement to fly out and spend a weekend with him three days later.  This is going to leave a scar.

You comments made sense and I really appreciate them.  What they also confirm is something that I do not want to face, but have to.  as much as I love her and want her back, this women could destroy my life.

Other than a serious illness, I have never been to such a dark place, and never over love.  Thanks. 

Yep, regardless of our knowledge and understanding, it's very hard to depersonalize that. I feel that's left a scar on me as well.

It sounds like you're healing pretty well. I think it took 3-5 months for me to go from devastated down a half-notch to feeling terrible. I still love mine. I think she's the only person I really gave absolutely unconditional love to so it's bizarre to also realize this isn't a person I can have in my life - even though I wish she were. Almost two years later I still have days where she will pop into my mind and I have to force her out of there for sanity's sake.

Healing is a process and as you said, it's such a dark place that it can take a lot of time to regain yourself.

I think that Magick gave you an exceptionally good "common breakup" analysis; it is spot on for me, in the smallest details.

Thank you for this analysis, Magick: it was very helpful to read it.

It's only been recently that I've realized that my BPDH jumped from relationship to relationship w/o any grieving, "time off", etc.

When he met me, he had just left an 8 month relationship.  He quickly jumped into our relationship.  As a matter of fact, I later learned that immediately after leaving that relationship, he asked a friend to "fix him up", and that's how he met me.   I didn't know enough about the timelines of his relationships to realize this pattern.  

I do think this comes from "neediness".  PwBPD are used to having someone who:  takes care of them, can be the target of their rages, be their "listening ear" to their many, daily monologues.  

When I met my ex he was with someone else. I didn't feel comfortable about it.

Listening and watching for how a person conducts themselves is our responsibility.

I now see why he did the same with me - it was a pattern I ignored.

First, I want to relate to you that I feel she left a scar on me as well.  I can also relate to your statement, "I have never been to such a dark place, and never over love".

My understanding is that they 'need' someone to mirror in order to feel alive.  Of course, we all need people in our lives.  We are built for relationship, I believe.  But pwBPD experience this in a different way than we do.  I don't think we are able to fully comprehend it.

the new person is just a distraction. and because they are new, and so the level of intimacy is not yet high, they can appear to be happy, or at least happier than they were in their last relationship where the level of intimacy was high, as was the fear of being abandoned.

so they jump ship to relieve their pain. out of a relationship with someone who loves them, into a relationship with a complete stranger.

love = fear of abandonment = pain > leave before you are left

home alone = loneliness and shame = pain > find new partner to take mind off it

 

new partner = no real intimacy = no fear of abandonment = no pain > stay

and the cycle will get repeated again and again.

what's the definition of insanity? doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

that's what they do, those clever little borderlines!

b2