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I had an epiphany today, much like I had two months ago. I want to communicate that with my pwBPD.

Please look over this letter I am considering sending to my pwBPD. And let me know thoughts and comments.

Letter:

Dear xxxx I have been doing a lot of thinking about things lately. As I was thinking about our relationship  a couple months ago. I realized you were feeling lonely and sad. So I decided to push past all my fears and came to you to declare I understood you were lonely and I was lonely too. To talk about it with you. I let you know I still loved you. I did not like you feeling lonely. I wanted to change things. I would be there for you when needed. I was not leaving you, even if I had to walk away for a time out, I was coming back. You seemed to feel differently very quickly about us. Like there could be something. We went on to have fun. Enjoyed each other’s company. Were able to talk again. I was able to relax and even start to do some new things for myself. We did not talk about anything big or real issues. But we could at least talk, it was a start.

Then something happened. There were a couple instances that happened back to back. The GS meeting, where you seemed to have some feeling that caused you to get overwhelmed. I tried to work through the issue right then. But I had no idea how to help you make a decision. Then there was the football game where my parents were there, and my sister came, niece, nephew, and etc... That was also a trigger.

I think you felt a high degree of anxiety in the first issue. I was not able to help you with a decision in the moment due to one of my fears in working with you. Fear of you feeling manipulated. My fear is that if you do anything you don’t decide, it will bite me later. Then that will add the list of things we fight about.

In the second issue. You immediately felt manipulated. We talked and talked about what happened. I could not understand what it is you wanted to know. It was like I could replay the whole scenario a hundreds times in super high definition with every detail carefully scrutinized, but you still needed more. I think that you were looking for a way to either 1. Feel justified in feeling manipulated or 2. Looking for a way to NOT feel manipulated.

Both of these issues lead you to a state of being highly dysregulated. Which lead to the issues that happened with the sleepover, my reaction, your reaction, and etc…

The common theme I see is your feeling of being manipulated. This theme is the same for many issues that come up again and again that never get resolved. The carpet, BG, office, and etc.

I am not sure how to deal with this feeling you have. I can’t change the feeling. I don’t feel like I am ever trying to manipulate you. However, I know you feel manipulated. And the feeling of manipulation is overwhelming.

Consider the NC trip. I talked to you beforehand. I put my fears aside, and trusted that we could discuss it without fear of repercussions. You made it clear to me that is was not a big deal and you were totally ok with the trip. Then a couple days before the trip, it came up that you felt, at that moment at least, manipulated and tricked. Then once you were a little less overwhelmed, you said, no I was not really manipulated or tricked.

Is there any way we can work through these feelings you have? Is there any way that we can discuss anything without you feeling manipulated either then or in the future?

The more I think of it I just wonder if a letter like this is pointless.

Will it get us anywhere? Probably not. The issues behind the feeling of manipulation are so much deeper than the feeling itself, right?

The real issue is she needs help. Help that I cannot provide.

I cannot go on through the good and bad, the bad is just too bad. I don't think I have the fortitude to create and enforce boundaries, not when they end up making things worse.

And really what is the point of the boundary, to protect me?

I  can't have a discussion about what we are doing in our lives. About our relationship. Or even about what we are having for dinner. Each time knowing full well that I will have to enforce a boundary at some time in the future for the reaction it will get.

Really what is the point of that. I get nothing from her. I don't see how having boundaries will ever make it possible to get anything from her. I don't see it possible to even have simple discussions about our kids needs. I can only agree with her on everything. Otherwise I am forced into an unpleasant situation of enforcing a boundary.

By the way, she sees the boundaries. She is aware of them. She uses the term 'boundary' to make hurtful comments and put me down.

Hi meerkat

My gut feeling is that a letter like this would make no difference. In fact may make it worse as they have something to keep referring to and pulling to pieces.

Just my opinion though, others may disagree.

I too wish I could really talk to my h. I am wondering will it ever get easier?

I feel like I'm living my life and doing my things. I just wish I had another adult to share that with. Instead of a third and incredibly difficult child in an adults body.

Good luck to you

meerkat mayb just post the letter here. I can hear that you are not feeling strong in yourself and are being crushed under the enormity of life with a wife who has BPD.

I was thinking yesterday that it might be worth going and having a chat with your family doctor to talk about how low and stressed you feel. Use that as a starting point to getting some attention for yourself, it is a very difficult situation to be in and be overwhelmed by what you describe as the futility of it all.

There are no quick fixes as you know, the onslaught can be relentless, and you have a family as well that will be demanding your time and attention.

Start with you.  Really small manageable steps.