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It's our 16th Wedding anniversary tomorrow, we have been separated/cohabiting for just under a year. she says she wants a divorce however hasn't sought legal advice or started proceedings. Should I send her a card and gift? My initial gut feeling was yes but I don't want to trigger her... .but like all situations I don't want to trigger her by not giving her a card and a gift. Ahhhhh the joys of BPD, the constant double blind!     

Hi Enabler,

What do YOU want to do for your 16th Wedding Anniversary, sixteen years is a long time and your situation sounds tough?

So BPD aside where are you with your anniversary thoughts and wishes?

I'm sorry - I'm not familiar with your story. You're separated but living under the same roof, is that right?

What's the goal of the separation. You say your wife wants a divorce, but what do you want?

Let's not be afraid of "triggering." What would actually happen if your wife was triggered? Does it have long-term consequences?

These questions might help you figure out what you want to do.

Speaking for myself, my dissatisfaction in marriage often creeps to the top so that I will not do something nice just because I am so tired of BPD raw-nerves.  However, I'm sometimes the better version of myself and will still do things to be nice.  Kindness is a trait I want cultured, not ignored and tamped down.  

I do worry a little about mixed messages. How can I not sleep with her and avoid touching her but still be nice, send positive text messages, hold the door, take her out, speak kindly?  It might confuse her, but there's a difference between wanting intimate connection, or even caring about the marriage, and being a good person.  You might find kindness pays off if you send a card.  Just watch the wording, I didn't get a card or gift for our 20th anniversary because they all spoke of love, and life together in a positive light.  I settled on candy, flowers, and no card.  Furthermore, words can be used against you, so really watch what you say and write. Maybe aim for a gift or token that could be described as considerate, rather than romantic.


added: there's a movie scene in Roadhouse, where Patrick Swayze tells his staff to Be nice. Be nice.  Be nice.  Until it's time to not be nice.

I tend to lean towards "making a gesture"... vice none.  Kind of removes all doubt.  Nothing is... hard to interpret.

So... really... .I would ask you to think about "your tone"... .

Do you want to be "friendly",  "remote", "aloof", "interested", "sad", "happy",... .keep going.

Even if your answer is "sad"... .and you are like... ."she would be triggered... I can't."

I'd likely... .likely... .tell you to do it anyway.  There's something about being authentic again that is empowering.

The book is called "Stop Walking on Eggshells... "... .so... stop worrying about the trigger.

It's one thing to purposefully try to trigger someone... it's another to do gymnastics to avoid triggering.

Neither are good.  Be yourself.

FF

Hello all and thanks for your responses. I am co-habitating with my wife. Almost a year ago she asked me to move out after I called her out on a the number of text's she had been sending to another man. We went to counselling for 3m but it was a complete failure due to totally different realities. I moved back in in Jan after agreed time or separation was over. in mar she told me she would like a divorce, she has yet to contact a lawyer but as far as she is concerned "We are not married and our marriage was over 2 years ago". The full story including the additional complications of other man and God are here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=312557.msg12897864#msg12897864

I do not want a divorce. We have 3 young children and a lovely home. We have always had a very turbulent relationship as you can imagine however we have worked through things albeit with me making personal sacrifices and taking on the shame and guilt of whatever abuse she has accused me of even when I haven't done anything... .or, when my frustration is warranted due to her unreasonable behavior. The whole divorce thing is ironically predicated on her not being able to live with her abuser (me) any more... .which is ironic given she's the one that's been mentally tormenting me for years!

It's like a horrible ball of string to unravel.

Anyway, I bought a small card and some chocolates... .she shoved both in the cupboard.

I'm sorry she did that, that's a lousy response designed to hurt you.  That behavior is on her and she has to live with that.  You showed thoughtfulness and kindness that behavior is on you and you can live with that. 

Panda39

Thanks Panda39, it's very nice for someone other than my mother to make that observation. I know it makes me by definition insane to keep standing up only to be punched down again but it's worked for the previous 20 years.

I would argue that it makes you a kind and thoughtful person that doesn't stoop to bad behavior simply because someone else does.  You anticipated the behavior you would receive and still did the thoughtful thing because that is who you are. 

I second the comments by Panda.  You chose to act kindly.  That is a measure of you.  And it indicates good things about you.
Your wife acted like she did, and that's on her.