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After being married to a dBPDw for 28 years, and now separated for 10 months, sometimes the pain is just too much for one person to bear. I know I had to leave, and I tried with all my resources to get us help, but to no avail. Alas, my bride is gone, and I am a man of deep sorrow because there is nothing I could do or can do to help her except let her go. Thank you all for your support. I tried to beat the BPD but couldn't. Now I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. This disorder has cost me everything... .now I must rebuild. Today I am very sad.

H77,

The last time you posted there was a reconciliation agreement in the works, and very weird stuff from her lawyer. It's been about 5 months since then. What's happened?

Your daughter and son are adults. Are they support in your life, or do you have any support?

T

Yes, I engineered a legal Interim Reconciliation Agreement in October 2014. I tried my best with thousands of dollars of couples counseling, all to no avail. In early January she said to the counselor that she "thought about it long and hard and wants a divorce." I simply paid the counselor and walked out... .forever I guess. I terminated the agreement in late January; now she's dragging me through the courts again. Fortunately for me I'm now broke. Her destruction is now complete. She tried to ruined my relationship with my son, but he knows she sick. My daughter is prob BPD as well; time will tell. I'm trying to put my life back together and having success, but the road after 28 years is long and hard.

While it's good that your son is aware (though I can imagine he might be sad and angry, too), but it must be very sad to see your DD take after her mom.

Is there anyone else in your life to offer moral support?

Hi Hopeless777,

I'm sorry to hear that.

You had a long history.

You're going through a lot. Separation and divorce is tough.

Do you have a T?

Since this has been the most tragic thing to ever happen in my 57+ years, I have developed the following team:

Weekly accountability group of five guys facilitated by a psychologist

Pastoral accountability partner

Weekly LCSW sessions

Psychiatrist with anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medications

Weekly Celebrate Recovery meeting

Innumerable books read on BPD, codependency, perfectionism, healing, etc.

I'm thinking about going to weekly Co Dependants Anonymous meetings. Making new friends. Going to a healing conference with Susan Anderson next month. And maintaining some level of self-employment.

So I think I'm doing everything right to recover. But after adoring my dBPDw for over 28+ years and being painted the blackest of black, coping is still tough. I find myself asking the question I always said to never ever ask: "Why?" More that half my life acting as her care giver and now just thrown aside: sometimes hard to fathom. But I'm trying to move on but keep getting pulled back into the legal morass. It seems like the nightmare is never over.

Just to close the circle. Some good advice from my T: "let go and let God" and "let your attorney do his job". Or, in other words, quit trying to control and completely detach. Sometimes I need a good kick in the pants.

It's hard to fathom when there's a day that this pain will subside when you are knee deep in it. It does get better.

Your T has good advice with letting go and perhaps a little invalidating. I would like to add it's not a race to the finish line. It takes time to detach, grieve and heal.

I have to agree you pay your L good money and if you feel like they're competent, let them handle the stress of dealing with your ex.

You sound like your keeping yourself busy.

What do you do for self care?

When you ask yourself 'why' do you mean she didn't give you closure?

Bless your heart! That is an impressive list of support networks for you. Good for you. Honestly I needed to accept and sit with all those feelings that come up because they are necessary for you to recover. Stick with those supports and in time you will think less snd less about all the awful things that happened and the sun will shine again.

Eat well, do at least some exercise each day because it gets the good hormones pumping xx

Not really Mutt. I'll never get "closure" because she is completely in denial. She thinks she's fine and that I have all the problems. The "why" question is more about why did this happen to me? A bit of a pity party really. At year eight of our marriage I knew there was something very wrong with her but didn't leave because of the kids. I have no regrets because they are well adjusted now and out on their own in the world doing well. At year 18, after psychotherapy for a year, my dBPDw seemed to settle down and we actually had a better time together. But at year 22 everything fell apart due to me not understanding what her mental disorder was and walking right into her abandonment fear by my walking out because she was raging. Then she was arrested for DV a week after our 25th wedding anniversary cruise. Then it was a year of more violence and her pleading for me to leave (but don't go!).you know the deal. Anyways, by then after two recycles, I couldn't do it anymore and left permanently. Of course, then she sued me for abandoning her and she wanted all my past, present, and future money for "security."

Now being somewhat of am expert on BPD (what a great claim to fame!) I can now analyze the situation clearly:

- She has 7-8 of the nine BPD criteria

- She has a fear of aging ("I only have 3-4 more good years left": she's 50

- She is potentially pre-menopausal with a hormonal imbalance

- She is a hypochondriac

- All the kids are gone

I'm not guilty as I'm codependent and enabled her over the last 20 years... .my bad. So I've invested nearly 30 years with one person and am now left to rebuild basically from scratch. Hence the question "Why?". I know there's no answer... .just walk through it all, but it makes you wonder about justice and fairness and morality. Perhaps that's the reason for the difficult journey.

Thanks Clearmind. I eat well and my T is always on my case about aerobics. I used to always work out but motivation is tough. Slowly I'm coming back, but the process is long and difficult. I'll make it though.

Hi Hopeless777,

You suffered loss. It's hard when your partner doesn't give you closure. I can relate. You can find and give yourself closure.

It's normal to ask why.

What stage do you see yourself in the 5 stages of grief?

Funny you ask that because it constantly recycles. I thought I was at acceptance, but no. As predicted you go through them all repeatedly. Today was a lok of Bargaining and Denial that gave way back to Acceptance. Because this is medical I can't really get mad at her or me. I've forgiven her and myself. Depression is a constant companion. Maybe it will end someday.

I ask because this sounded like bargaining.

I didn't understand my ex partner's behaviors throughout our marriage. I had a feeling there was something very wrong and I could not put my finger on it.

One evening my ex was raging too and an awful one at that. It may of been an hour or more and I stood there and took it. I was frustrated and told her I wanted a divorce and triggered her fear of abandonment. That evening was a moment I recycled through my mind too.

Your ex suffers mental illness.

It's not your fault.

Thanks Mutt. I found this board in November 2013 and spent the next six months living with my wife enduring the rages as I had for several years. But they were getting increasingly violent and I was very concerned about her calling the police and having me arrested on some trumped up lie. So I had to leave as quickly as possible and thankfully she was in the clingy stage while I moved out or I'm sure there would have been a scene. During our reconciliation attempt over the winter (dinners only in public restaurants), she said that I didn't need to have left (of course, she didn't invite me back either). So since early February I'm back to complete NC except for courtroom attendance. I now have the ability (although obviously biased) to review my emotional health as I move among the grief stages. Denial and Bargaining are the toughest because they provide false "hope." No anger because she's just sick (except at my self for being so ignorant at 29 [so long ago]). Depression is now the hardest part. If I can beat that I think I'll be on the road to Acceptance and full recovery. So I think I still have a long ways to go... .but I'm working it.

Back to court again tomorrow. It seems to never end. Status update tomorrow if I'm able.

Hey Brother, I don't know of you remember me. I have you on my prayer list and have been praying for you on and off.

Letting Go of my uBPDxw and giving her to God and casting all my anxieties on him (1 Peter 5:6-7) is what got me out out of my depression and its when the FOG started to lift for me.

You WILL get there, there is Peace on the other side. You must go through the valley to get to the Mountain of God. You are doing all the right things. Celebrate Recover literally saved my life! I would also highly recommend Divorce Care.

Like someone else said, there is no time limit on grieving. Hang in there Brother!

MWC... .*)

I agree with Hopeless, sometimes we need to quit resisting.

It took me years to get over my 22 year marriage. Be kind to yourself. This will be a long road and one day you will look back with relief. Right now is the time to keep busy, keep learning and move forward as best you can.

 to you

Another win in court today. Everything is now back on hold for a few months. Of course, The lawyers are the only ones that win. She entered court all giggly (as before) and left in tears, as before. I don't know whether to be happy or sad... .just numb now. She's a beautiful woman that I look at a now feel nothing. I mean we shared the same bed together for 28 years! She hates me and I feel nothing. Not good I think. This BPD certainly is a killer.

MWC: I remember you very well and those verses and plenty of others are great. I began Divorce Care before the attempted reconciliation, but dropped it. Now I'm out of the cycle. Have to wait until the fall or find another. Thanks for your thinking of me. Life is still tough.

Wow... .i really like the therapy and suport group you have surrounded yourself with.  But, i'd like to make one suggestion.  Find a hobby.  I find it beneficial to do something that is not related to the BPD or your co-dependency.  I would suggest a physical activity.  Walking.  Hiking. Biking. Tennis. Swimming.  Etc.  It will help you from a chemical standpoint... .releasing all those endorphins.  It will help you broaden your perspective on life.  Right now its small... .all about the divorce, recovery, etc.  And it will give you something postive in your life.  Even better if you can find a group doing the activity.  Those people dont need to know about what you are going through... .that way they just see the nice guy who bikes with them.  This help you define who you are outside of the negative stuff you are going through.

Thanks Noah. My T keeps telling me 50 mins of aerobic activity a day. I'm lucky to accomplish a 20 minute power walk. I understand the therapeutic effects, but motivation is still difficult to come by. I'm working on it. Just trying to get my personal life in order. Thanks.