BPDFamily.com

i dont mean it in a bad way,these forums are extremely helpful and stabilize lots of chaotic relatioships with a borderline partner...

but does anyone feel,after reading something,that they've had a glimpse in their future,or in their past,think how life could have been different,or worry about how it should not be.

im posting this topic because i very much feel that a lot of things in our relationships are quite similar,

its actually like talking to a lot of people who have almost the same relationship as you (i hope it doesnt sound weird)... with very similar pasts and exactly the same unavoidable 'less than hoped for' futures... does it feel like that to anyone... .?

Yes I feel trapped... .I feel hopeless.  I am trying to work it out because I don't have a choice.  I just had a baby and I am dependent on my uBPDh.  These boards help me not feel so alone in this mess.  I think about my judgement in sustainig a relatioship with someone that consistently mistreats me or engages in odd behavior.   I feel sad for dragging my 2 older kids through the mud by bringing this toxic person into their lives.  Is there some sort of self destructive character defect that I have that facilitates self sabotage?   My first marriage was toxic as well.  I'm trying  to learn coping techniques to help keep my h regulated... .though I feel like it just tip toeing around a crazy person in some sort of dysfunctional dance that I am unfortunately modeling for my kids.  It is disheartening to hear how resistant to change this disorder is.  It is scary to know that I am in for the fight of my life should I choose to leave. 

It is what it is... .having a relationship with a person suffering from BPD is not for the faint of heart.  It is brutal and cruel at times. Thank God there is a place to come for solace, better understanding and comfort.  We are not alone.  Our experiences are strikingly similar... .we can relate to one another whether times are good or bad... .we can strategize with one another

For that... I am grateful

Yes. It is upsetting to read how BPD operates... .and then watch it happen before your own eyes. Its upsetting that the isssue is right there but you are unable to talk about it or try to help. It is upsetting you have to learn a new language in order to communicate to someone you have been with for years. It hurts to know that they probably will cheat again, cannot be trusted and dont really love you. Yes it gets upsetting.

I'm often reading the boards with tears in my eyes. Every day I learn something new. Some days I have just cried when a story triggers me and my own painful experience comes flooding back. I've been on these boards for several months and I've learnt so much about my exBPD and myself. I've grieved the loss and am now feeling like I'm healing. If it wasn't for this site I don't know where I'd be. I am truly grateful to have found this safe haven. It's been my lifeline. 

Yes I am fairly new but have learned alot already from the wise people here.  Its sad to realize just how powerless good natured people are to impact the behavior of the BPD.  I am realizing how futile it is and that makes me very sad.   I seem to be in a bargaining stage with the Universe to take away the BPD part and leave the rest. Oh what a joy that would be!

It definitely feels good to know I'm not alone, but I do get depressed a lot of the time here. I tend to feel even more hopeless about my situation. In the heat of a big fight a couple of months ago, I finally brought up BPD to my wife and told her that I think it's "what's wrong with her". She completely launched and I pulled my phone out to get her on video... .that triggered her even more!  She is in complete denial and refuses to accept the idea that there could actually possibly be something wrong with her.

I come to this board to help me maintain my clarity and to try to keep some insight into the situation, but I just don't see much of a light at the end of the tunnel.

yes, So often I come on here and read where other people are at in their experience with their BPD person and it triggers me. 

Not much to add to what other posters have said... .yep, it's equal parts supportive and frustrating to read these threads. Just like being in an BPD relationship! :)

Overall, I've found it more positive than not, definitely.

My allotted role in the drama triangle has been that of victim. For the years before I cmae across these boards, I'd been prayng for my wife to be "cured", hoping she'd come to the realization that her behavior is unreasonable and unfair on me. In other words that someone else (a T, or my wife herself) would "save" me.

This site has shown me that it's not going to happen, which is actually really liberating. I understand the disorder, and therefore my wife, much better.

Nobody (that I've seen) on this website has ever, in the five years I've been coming here, said: "Hey guys, I think I've cracked it! Try this with your SO, and you won't believe how it works".

All the advice, however excellent it might be, is of the damage-limitation variety.

Basically, the boards have taught me that it boils down to this:

"How much of this ___ are you prepared to take?"

And that is the most valuable lesson I could ever learn, because I can no longer kid myself that there might be a good outcome if only I do a better job.

I found the same.  A lot of overlap.

But for me, this was a GOOD thing.  In that it helped me to calibrate with others in similar situations on what is rational and what is not.  Unless you have been through it, its very difficult to understand and offer constructive guidance.

Then also, for me, by writing it out and sharing and answering questions from others, I came away with better clarity and understanding of my own choices and behaviors.

Was it a sad reality at times.  For sure.  But better to know this, and accept it as reality, and make decisions based on a better understanding than I would have if completely winging it on my own (and just this tendency is what lead to some of the poor decision making that got me into the relationship to begin with).

Its a grieving step - to learn that the future will not fit my ideal model of what I would like it to be - but once that grieving is done then I can make decisions on what to do with the REALITY of what it is. 

 

This is an excellent post! This is pretty much how I view the situation at this point. It still makes it hard though because I really don't know exactly how much more I'm willing to take. The last few weeks, I've felt I've pretty much been at my breaking point with my wife. I feel I've put up with SO MUCH ___ over the years we've been together and I don't ever see her getting to the realization that it's all ___ that she's created. There are so many variables involved in making the decision to stay or leave, so there's just no easy path to choose.

I understand where you are coming from.  For me, I go into a mode where I feel "obsessed" with this website.  Those are usually the days where I feel negative and just need to vent.  It helps me feel less alone, but really it boils down to me putting focus onto her and her illness, and that is not good for me.  So I take a break, and think BPD or not I'm still in a r/s, and still need to take care of myself.  Sometimes posting and reading here feels like "crying in my cheerios."  Venting, learning, swapping stories are all good for awhile, but eventually we get toa point where we need to make decisions and take actions.

I, too, comb through the Boards; usually when something "sparky" is going on.  Upset?  Nah, I wouldn't say I get upset but I've felt a "sting" a time or two; especially when I'm out-of-kilter and losing perspective. 

I think what upsets me more than anything is when people are hesitant in taking a long hard look at themselves, while pointing fingers at pwBPD.

It's all fine and good for a while, to get an understanding of what BPD is.  Venting is fine, too.  I've sure done my fair share and continue to, especially with a good friend of mine.  Outlets for frustration are needed.

There comes a time when it's essential to look at our own part in the dysfunction.  Not to beat ourselves up, but to create positive change :)

So yea, when I see members not wanting to go there, it upsets me, or frustrates me or something.  Because I know in my heart of hearts that better days lie ahead, if only... .

And that is also a residual thought process from childhood.  If only... .

I have no control over the 'if only's' of other people, so have to step away and get busy living my own life.