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Well detaching board, I am posting here as my divorce is now final.  I have been on the staying board for a year and a half while split from my wife doing everything I could (working on myself) to try and save it.  I still love her deeply and hopefully she will get help one day.  I am also still hopeful that one day we could reconcile, but will move forward as if we never will.  Dealing with all the crap I dealt with for the last year and a half (and the stuff when we were married and in the same household although there was a ton of good times), I am happy that I am out of the daily drama.  I have gotten so much healthier over the last year and a half and for that I am grateful.  My wife and I have very little contact (talked twice in two weeks) at the moment and only about softball as her daughter (my step-daughter) is on my softball team.  It's more or less "silence" and it's strange.  It is a new normal for me but I do miss her. 

How long were you married and what was some of the stuff you went through. When did you first notice issues. What ended it.

I hear you about the new normal. What's your biggest challenge now, or are you taking it day-by-day?

Hi MaroonLiquid,

I hear you. I remember how I felt after I moved into my own place. I recall expecting to get into a fight and then appreciating that I wasn't walking on eggshells. It took a little time to get used to living life as a bachelor again. Congrats on the divorce. It felt bitter sweet for me when it was finalized then quickly followed by freedom.

Some of the stuff we went through... .Where do I start?   :)  We were married in 2010.  We had known each other for 8 years but were married to different people.  I had never been this close to anyone my whole life.  We knew everything about each other.  It started before we were married when she would "fly off the handle" for what seemed like no reason at times, threw my kids and I out of the house (she had 3 from a previous marriage and I had 3 from a previous), threw my children's overnight bags down the stairs in front of her mother, I was verbally and physically abused, given the ST a bunch of times for up to a week or two at a time, etc... .You know, standard BPD behavior... .Anyway, about a year and a half ago, her and I got into a huge fight, smeared me to and lied on me to her family, and she rented another house behind my back.  Within a week, my whole life was turned upside down.  I was devastated, confused, heartbroken and had no clue what I was dealing with.  She blocked me on Facebook and I have been ever since.  I always knew there were red flags, but about a week after we split, I found this site and have been posting here ever since.  I was always committed to staying, really worked on myself, became stronger, and truly never thought she wanted a divorce.  I'm still not sure that is what she truly wanted but backed herself into a corner with her family and friends by painting me black and lying to them.  Maybe I'm lying to myself.    

About a month after our split, she told my kids that she didn't want a divorce.  I believed her.  From then on, I got stronger, but allowed myself to be victimized at the same time.  A few months after the split, I went over to her house to help her with something and she dysregulated and kept my MacBook that I bought with my student loan (going to school part time to finish my degree).  She refused to give it back and would hide it every time I would go over there.  I had to drop out of that semester of school (doing that semester all online) and cost me $500 dollars.  I think the real reason she kept it was because she saw got on it and saw that I had posted to this site because she texted me asking me about it.  I am sure it scared her because she would tell me of things that she noticed regarding her behavior (what I now now as dissocation, uncontrollable anger, etc).

About a month later, her car "broke down", or so she said.  I let her use my car and take me to work so that she could get the kids everywhere they needed to go while her car was being fixed.  I felt that was my duty as her husband even though multiple people warned me not to.  She kept it and wouldn't return it and dropped off the broken down vehicle to me.  Both cars were in both of our names, so... .Yes, I know, I was a glutton for punishment.  My love for her and wanting to be there for her was my greatest weakness.  She filed for divorce in March and I believed she was holding it over my head and would never follow through with it.  It was final in December.  I'm pretty strong now.  I miss her and as I said before, I do still want a r/s with her but can't do it without her in some serious counseling.  I truly love her unconditionally, but understanding now that unconditionally doesn't mean put up with $hit either.  I think about the possibility of us not being together again in any form and that's hard, but we still have to have some contact because of softball.  I started a softball team (president and head coach) for our daughters and she is the treasurer.  I am not sure really what to expect going forward, but I am taking care of myself.  The last time we spoke, we had a softball meeting and after she asked if she could have the things that were owed to her in the divorce and I said, "Not until I get my laptop back." and I walked off.  She flicked me off as she drove off.  That is the only time we have spoken in two weeks.  I refuse to feel like I am groveling and tired of her control issues.  it was just four weeks ago that I was putting her Christmas lights up on her house and she was kissing me, making love to me and then now divorcing me... .

We had a lot of good times and miss those.  I miss being intimate with her.  I miss her kids as I took them as my own.  Their dad was a deadbeat who is $40,000 behind in child support and has never seen them except for an hour and a half since they were divorced.  That is the short story.  Questions?  Thoughts?


I am taking it day by day.  I am learning what being "alone with myself" is and learning to live that way.  My biggest challenge now is dealing with the possibility of her and I never being together again.




I do like the fact that I can do what I want in my own place.  Being separated for a year and a half, I'm quite used to that now.  I just miss her.  I do love the fact that I am not involved in her "zoo"... .In the last year and a half, she has moved her mother in, kicked her out, tried to move her dad in, but he refused at the last minute.  The kids are the biggest losers in all this as she has disrupted their life so much in a year and a half.  They called me their dad... .:'(  I love them very much, but ultimately, they aren't mine... .I do take care of mine and glad I have them.

MaroonLiquid,

I understand missing the ex after the split. You mentioned unconditional love but have you accepted that maybe she's not in a place to see how her own behaviors are affecting her? It sounds like her father was wise to her when he choose to not move in.

That's a lot of interruptions for everyone? I think that you can unconditionally love with radical acceptance. Are you working on RA? Here's an article review that I think that helps with letting go of the fantasy. Have you checked it out? What do you think?

5 Ways to Move on From an Ex You Still Love - Jennice Villhauer Ph.D. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=286289.0)

  following you here. Don't have much to say today.

I'm impressed with all you did to make things work.

I believe that you will find some peace in knowing that you did everything you could do and more. At least someday you won't be looking back and saying to yourself "I wish I'd done more"