BPDFamily.com

I just wanted to say that you are all an amazing community of people and I’m so glad to have found you after seven years in a lesbian relationship with my BPD wife.

It has been suggested on the forum that I start making changes and setting boundaries and I wanted to start by laying on the table the main things that I would like to work on. Any advice would be most welcome. My wife was diagnosed BPD shortly before we met. She went through DBT but did not complete the course. She does not self-harm or binge/purge anymore so considers herself cured.

Things I would like to change:

I would like to be able to paint my finger and toe nails. My wife is jealous of my nice fingers and nails and never gets time to do hers and feels we should do it together, especially as she bought me a gel polish machine for Christmas. I have only used it once as it upset her.

I would like to play the piano, whenever I feel like it. My wife is jealous of me doing this, has always said she would like to learn but that I’m no good at teaching her (even though I am a successful and experienced piano teacher).

I would like to take photos of my children whenever I want, sometimes with myself, and send them to family members whenever I want, without having to ask permission. My wife has in the past threatened to leave me over taking photos and sending them to family.

I would like to be able to cuddle our older daughter and read her stories whenever she wants, and to do painting and cooking activities with her. I get screamed at to put her down because my wife always takes care of our newborn and breast feeds her. She is jealous that our older daughter is close to me now. I usually try to do what she says to keep the peace.

I would like to go for a swim in our pool whenever I like, with or without her. She has never let me because she wants us to do it together and she hasn’t wanted to because I put too much pressure on. This year it’s even harder for her with the newborn. But our house is now on the market even though I don’t really want to sell it. So I won’t get much more chance to enjoy our pool.

What seems like an extreme goal to me.. my wife is refusing to see any family at the moment due to post natal depression as our little one was very sick in hospital and my wife is upset that everyone was only concerned with the child’s health and well being and not her (my wife). But I would love to take the older child to see my parents as she is nearly two and has only met them briefly my mum three times and dad twice. They are both nearly 80 and my dad is very unwell with Parkinson’s. My wife says that the child gets car sick and to visit them would mess with nap times. But it’s almost impossible for them to come to us (and they aren’t welcome). My wife would be so upset and angry if I said I wanted to do this. Why would I want to go anywhere without her, during my precious time off work?

I would like to be able to take on as much work as I can, to support our family and her spending habits. But I’m made to feel guilty for working, even though I have lost lots of work due to the pandemic.

I would like to be free to wear the clothes my mum has bought me and to dress our children in clothes my mum has bought.

Finally, looking to the future I have been told by my wife that I am not allowed in any circumstance to teach our children how to play the piano. (I am a piano teacher). She is jealous that I can play the piano. I am not the type to impose piano lessons on my children. But I want to know how I can respond if they ever do ask me to teach them. Because I would certainly not want to say no if they asked me.

I hear in your goals that you want a fulfilling individual life and family life. We want to help you attain those goals!

If you were to choose one of those goals to work toward -- one that when successful would make a second goal somewhat easier to achieve -- which would it be?