BPDFamily.com

Link to Original post i made few days ago about getting restraining order threat from my ex girlfriend

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357015.new

My ex-girlfriend contacted me again after threatening a restraining order for the second time. She is already with someone else. She unblocked me and called me last night after a few weeks. She said, "How are you? I am just calling to check up on you. I am not calling to get back with you. Since you are by yourself, I feel bad for you," and started blaming the breakup again. She went on for one hour, and then she hung up, leaving my mind confused once again.

So, I texted her, saying, "If you want to get back together, let me know. We can give it another try. If you don't want to get back together, then go ahead, get married, have kids, do whatever you want, pursue the things you've always wanted to do."

She replied, "I really don't know. I feel bad for you too."

That was her last response. From her last response, it seems like she doesn't want to get back together.

If she doesn't want to get back together, why is she doing this? She has already threatened me with a restraining order twice, and now she has called me again, only to block me once more. Why does she feel the need to check up on me? I don't understand.

It is confusing to be faced with overt BPD behaviors. It's hard to make sense of them from our vantage point.

My H's kids' mom has many BPD-type traits and behaviors. Many years ago, he met up with her to discuss the parenting schedule. They made some decisions about a few tweaks, vacation time, etc.

After all of that -- after agreeing with him about the kids spending time with him -- she turned to him and said "I'm afraid you're going to abuse the kids."

While her behaviors made sense to her, she was starting from a really skewed foundation.

...

And yet, when we understand some things that motivate and drive pwBPD, we can make some sense of the confusing and counterintuitive behaviors.

I suspect my H's kids' mom was not able to integrate two concepts. One was that the kids' therapist (at the time) was probably encouraging her to be cooperative with H ("good moms cooperate, aren't you a good mom?"). The other was her faulty foundational assumption that H was the source of all emotional problems in her life. She wasn't able to synthesize those concepts: "Even though H and I struggled in our relationship and he triggered me, I see where the T is coming from, and the parent-child relationship is different from the spousal relationship. Therefore, even though I do not like H, I will cooperate with him for the kids".

And she didn't have the insight to see how quantized her thinking was. Many of us might have times where we can look at something we're saying or doing, and reflect on how it doesn't match what we believe, and that can help us question our beliefs or question what we're doing: "Wow, I say I don't think XYZ company is ethical, but I spend money there anyway. Well, it's true that I don't like when they do ABC, but at the same time, I need to get groceries to feed my family, and they have better prices." We're able to synthesize some complex assumptions and beliefs, and understand that we have lenses that impact those assumptions and beliefs.

The kids' mom jumped from "I'm a good mom who cooperates" to "H is the source of all evil" without the insight into what she was doing.

But both positions met a need for her.

The first position met her need to be thought of as an amazing mom. If the T thought she was doing a great job, she received external validation, which many pwBPD crave as it is difficult for them to generate self-validation inside.

The second position met her need to not take responsibility for her part in the failure of the relationship. She continued to blame and finger-point, because she was not able to overcome her shame.

But she couldn't synthesize both at once.

...

Your ex may have similar competing/conflicting needs going on at the same time, and she may not have the skills to put together a nuanced picture of who she is (it's said that BPD involves lacking a core sense of self). So it may seem like she jumps from one contradictory position to another.

What need do you think she's trying to meet when she threatens the RO?

What need do you think she's trying to meet when she says she feels bad for you and is checking up?

...

Most importantly -- know that you're in the driver's seat in all of this.

You can choose how long to talk to her on the phone.

What she wants is going to change moment-by-moment. Letting her take the lead is letting a disordered person set the terms of interaction, and things will probably remain confusing and volatile if so.

The biggest question for you is: what do you want, regardless of anything that she says or does?