BPDFamily.com

My house has been hit with a huge black cloud.

I fear this for weeks now, but it's been hit big time.

Yesterday, I'm sitting at work and all I got was a single email saying " My worst day ever".

So within seconds, I'm calling him to know more. Good thing he remembered the rule... . he must answer or call back within less than 5 minutes or I call the cops to go over and I give them permission to force entry. He starts telling me he's tired of existing, it's draining to breath, he just wants to die but he can't 'cause God doesn't want him and the devil is ignoring him so he's curse to stay alive wishing for death to come take him without it ever happening.

Let's just say that the second I got home, we had a talk. Most of the time, he spent it crying... . weeping really, with periods of "it hurts too much, I can't do it anymore" and "I'm just soo tired of existing".

He has an appointment today with our doctor so hopefully he keeps his promise to ask for a stay at the hospital to re-evaluation of his medications.

Then today, I get a call from his sister. Our niece has tried to commit suicide 3 times since shortly before Christmas, she left her husband and her kids and is now saying the molestation accusations she had made while she was a teenager (and then retracted and told us it was a ruse to be able to support her friend during the group therapy sessions after my SIL got her in the group), which then brought my SIL to inform me that she is also seeking help from a therapist and her therapist told her to demand a meeting with my dBPDh. REALLY? she thinks that after not speaking for almost 12 years, she can demand that he hears her out? Does her therapist know what BPD is? My SIL should know that you do not demand anything from anyone in her family. That's a definitive guaranty of failure.

I told her that he was in no way, shape or form ready to talk to anyone in their family. That each time their names come up in therapy or at home, all that comes out is pure rage. (so much so that the therapist put that as his trigger words to discuss when he is ready ONLY) I explained to her that right now, he's so dark that even if I say that I'm hurt he would just respond with the most vile and hurtful words he could muster. This is the last thing this family needs. More reasons to hate each other (their mother did enough).

I felt bad 'cause I could hear her heart breaking, but she said that if she couldn't talk to him, she would write to him and place the letters in a box for him to read when he is ready. Even if it's after she dies.

Foreverhopefull,

wow, that is bleak   


Sound planning but still when it happens it is a shock and the heart is racing.


Crying can be good as it relieves emotions. Keep that in mind. You certainly feel part of his pain but he is also self soothing so you can also feel glad for him (don't tell him, may be invalidating). Crying is ok.


Super tough conversations you had there  . Dealing with if I counted right 3 suicidal persons and validating them. Maintaining boundaries in multiple directions under enormous pressure.

You must be emotionally exhausted! Take good care of yourself 

a0

I am so happy to say that he really dealt with this darkness with brilliance.

He cried, talked to me and our doctor and even begged his therapist to see him in a urgent matter (she's good for this but she was supposed to be in a meeting all day). He did get a session and from there he was able to climb out of his darkness.

He did brilliantly because this time, I did not guide him to the light, he did it himself.

Having said that the feelings ("it hurts too much, I can't do it anymore" and "I'm just soo tired of existing".) are still there but he is working very hard at working through them.

I'm very proud of him.