BPDFamily.com

Below are a few examples of statements my uBPDstbxw told me that made me think... . um... . what the hell?


"You are the one that will bring me my baby."

"I'll choose my family over you any day, I've known them longer!"

"I don't care if you even just go away just give me a baby first.

"Real men try to be CEO's of corporations! Why the F are you not trying to be one too?"

At the start of our relationship she said to me "I know you and I will never have an argument."

"Give me a million dollars if I am going to go through this life with you!"

"When i am hungry I get really angry!"

"If we are going to be together I don't want to hear anything from you except talk about puppies and butterflies and other nice things!"

"I want to have my boss think of me as his genius b___."

"I won't have time to call you while I am on vacation with my family for the next five days."

"I dont need turn signals that work on the car, I will just be careful!"


Any of you ever hear any wild stuff like this from your ex?

I can relate to some of those. My uBPDx used to say the following to me:

Nice things:

1. Whatever happens i will never leave you

2. If we have any kind of argument, we finish it before going to bed, the next day is a new day. Don't drag the fight (she never practiced this)

3. You understand me more than anyone else, we are soul-mates

4. You are my other half

5. I'm very proud of you (for whatever things that you complete, now i see maybe those are the words she never got from parents)

Some  red-flag that I ignored:

1. If we break up, i will never except the thought of you being with another girl

2. I have helped my parents enough that my debt's to them are over (What the heck? how can you ever repay your parents)

3. I'm sleepy and going to bed, you come along (had to go even if you are not sleepy)

4. Why don't you do this? (the nagging part)

5. When we make love, don't use any protection and i wont take any pills (didn't cross that line  )

6. I've never done all this things with anyone else other than you

7. People in the office are idiots

One thing i noticed was, they will never practice what they say. It's like all things are theories only, no practical applications, but hen i don't do it, I'm the bad guy. 

Ahh the unsafe sex topic. My ex refused to wear a condom. Said he hadn't cum inside a woman for decades. Just didn't cum at all. Well mostly that was the case , but I did have frequent trips to the chemist for morning after pill and pregnancy tests. Fathering a child was a huge fear for him. I guess that would make him connected with one person forever. This seems different to the female BPDs I read about. He wanted me to "feel everything". Sober sex too. His previous gf had always been stoned as was he. He wanted it to be special with me. He needed to be my best lover ever, and he was. He claimed to have had no sex for 18 months before me, I think that may be true but really who cares? He told me I was entwined in his soul forever and " fitted him perfectly " I was made just for him. He claimed to have never before done lots of what we did. Or where we did it lol. Very reckless. I haven't let my thoughts go down this path for a long time because these our most intimate moments seemed so real and hurt so much to think about.

My ex once joked that if I ever became pregnant and refused an abortion he would "kill it"... Babies require love, commitment, and responsility... . And we wouldnt want that now would we?

Needless to say,i took the pill religiously.

Mine said we could call it Lucifer. I laughed at the time. Seems f#cked  up now lol

Nare were we dating the same guy? I mean seriously!

Hahaha maybe we are... . How old is yours?

Most of what my ex said to me didn't make rational sense. I guess he was crazy. LOL

Here are just a few choice excerpts from our first month's worth of text messages.

• I haven't begun to break you. Build back up, will be slow. No light at the end. Flesh is not as weak, I'll test the limits. No marks but you will know I was there.



• Your soul seems old and I feel like I've known you before.



• You have many tells, I like reading you. Others wouldn't notice, babe.



• I'm glad you trust me enough to open up to me about you. I like when you talk about yourself. It helps fill in the blanks.



• I do love talking to you, but feel opening up hard is a lot better when we are naked and able to feel a closer connection. You know I'm so about contact and body language.



• Just so you know, super hot British redhead was flirting with me at the bar.



• I'm observant. Women are amazing, being attentive is a respect for how awesome they are.



• I'm know for fits of deep emotion and irrationality.



• I don't find my moodiness as a flaw. My mind just is deep and vast, hard telling what is going to develop. As you are intimately aware I'm dark, brooding and wondrous. Ponderous.



• You remind me a lot of a very dear ex girlfriend of mine. She just recently passed in a car accident.



• I'm very much ready to possess your soul. I would only make you a part of me. I would always take the utmost respect for you, you are everything. Soul is huge.I am the beginning and end.

I... . am not very bright, obviously.  :) lol


My ex also refused to wear condoms (he'd been snipped), and he also pretty much didn't orgasm at all.

I think most of us gals dated the "same guy."  

Haha seems like it. I just remembered how he always reflected on our sex afterward. Once he said " it was so frantic. You f'd me, then I f'd you, then we made beautiful love" it was pretty accurate he was do attuned to me. He also knew things about my body that i didn't even know! And no one had ever mentioned before. For example he said I was more shallow one side than the other. I never knew this but it seemed to be true. Always on one side way more comfortable than the other. Lol. Sorry about too much info. I just remembered that. I think because of our chemistry the sex was mind blowing and went for hours. Always so intense and I had no control over myself. I've never been out of control in my life so I craved this. Well now 7 weeks after I couldn't think of anything worse than being with another man. No sex drive whatsoever. I'm going now, think I've lost the original thread of this post lol. Sorry !

           

           

           

       

           

           

           

           

           

           

* You will never find anyone who loves you as much as I do

* You don't realise the extent of my love for you

* The most important thing to me is to love

* You probably think that I am ... . or ... . or ... . ( always bad qualities)

* I know what you think about me

* I know that I am not the man of your dreams

* I will never lie to you, steal from you or cheat on you

* I do not know how to "do" life

* Nobody ever taught me what's going on

* Life is a party to which I was not invited (referring to him being an unwanted child)

* Everyone ends up hating me

* I don't know what I've done wrong

* If we divorce, we are breaking a universal law

* We were led to each other, we were meant to be together

* I know I am bad inside, I was born bad

* Despite everything everyone has ever done to me, I am not angry, I just have love in my heart

* I know that you are scared of me

* I have done terrible things in my life, I have been a member of the worst gang in South Africa, I have been to prison in the worst prison in South Africa  (he was involved in gang violence, and he was a part of a gang, and he was an awaiting trial prisoner for 10 days before his father dropped all charges of theft and possession and dealing in heroin)

Unbelievable similarities...

some additiions are:

1. I love you with every cell of my body

2. God brought you to me... . I prayed to to God to bring me someone I could love and who loves me

3. we are siamese twins !  :)

4. I know this is forever

5. I want to give you a child... . we will then be complete

6. you are a brave man... . a true lion

7. you are the best lover ive ever had, eg... I've never done this before

8. you are a beautiful man

9. I can't get enough of you, I want to spend every minute of my life with you

10. you do so much for me, you love me so much

11. let's pray together, this will keep us close always

of course, there were the complete opposites:

1. you are a despicable person, I can't stand you

2. you are exactly the same as the rest

3. we are completely incompatible

4. this isn't working, I need something else, I always knew this

5. I could not imagine having a child with you... . you wouldn't be able to handle it

6. man up, grow some balls, you are a boy trapped in a man's body

7. sex with you is dreadful, I need a real man to f**k me... . the best lover I had was a 56 year old man when I was in my late 20's  

8. you are ugly inside and out

9. you completely smother me, I feel so trapped with you

10. you just cannot meet my needs, you don't love me

11. I don't want to pray with you, we are miles apart, that stuff doesn't work... .

Confused, I have often wondered what versions were the truth... . the positives or negative. I know now none of it was true... . it was a dreamland, a fantasy that turned into a nightmare.

I tend to think that everything and nothing was true    

Actually, the truth was never really an over-arching, enduring thing, how could it be, because one moment a person with BPD feels like this, and then the next moment, they feel completely differently.

Perhaps the truth, as they say, lies somewhere in between the two extremes of anything they said? 

I found that opposites happened ALOT sometimes strikingly close together... .

* Ive never had this chemistry and passion with someone vs I love you but im not in love with you

* I dont find you very attractive vs I have never been so intellectually and physically attracted to someone

* The thought of living life without you is unbearable vs You are not to girl for me

* I havent even looked at another woman vs I feel like I need to sleep with other women

other things that were odd... .

* I sometimes question whether I even love my family

* I sometimes question whether I really exist

* I want to be with you but thinking about how I feel for you and the future makes me so anxious

* Do you want me to kill myself for you? I will do that to make you happy

* I am a worthless person

* your abusing me. You want to control me

* I think you are infatuated with me

* Your a mentalist

* I see you as extension of myself

* When we are around my friends just agree with things I say

* I used to think noone could ever love me

* I just want to make everyone happy

Im sure I will think of many more... .

Have that same issue.  Once he even caved and said, "OK you win".  Really?  I win?

Silence.

That's what I have received for 24 years.

An occasional:

1. I don't know.

2. I'm not sure.

3. I have no plan.

4. Maybe

5. I guess.

Then throw in some good old fashioned gas-lighting (that has been the last 3 years).

Classic Anti-Social, with a little Narcissist, and Sociopath thrown in to season things up.

I can't wait, to be gone!

Hi all

God, where do I start?

here's a few anyway

Suburbia is boring, stuck in a box in the suburbs, (this is what he referred to what most people are doing) and he lives in his car 

I'm not afraid of rejection, I've been rejected plenty of times in my life, SO WHAT? after he realised I wasn't coming back anymore.

"My brother has a really good shotgun, and he could shoot you in the head from a distance, and you wouldn't even see it coming."

"your a *%$@###!**% SLUT'

"YOUR A FAT UGLY C**T"

"Stay the &*%$#@ away from me or I will $#@^&* murder you" (then he comes running at me and smashes something against my car).

"I'm gonna ruin you in this community, I will tell everybody that you are a real C**T!' (this was because I refused to let him act abusively at my workplace and refused to engage him whilst he acted that way)

"I'm gonna ring the people you contract to, and tell them stuff so you lose the contract, you C**T"

"Your on a rental power trip", (this one always cracked me up)

"your crazy", (coming from him, is hilarious)

"I could go into your daughters workplace, with a screwdriver and really freak her out, and she wouldn't be able to do anything since I am just another customer in an Auto Store"

"Your daughter is just another checkout chick, nothing special about her at all, not exactly an educated job is it?"

(this is coming from a 46 year old man, who hasn't worked for 6 years now).

"I'm gonna *enter horrific threats here to everybody I knew*" vs 'I wouldn't really hurt anyone at all'

"I am the Devil, you will never be as evil as me, and you will never win"

"I am a very bad horrible man" (can't say I disagree with him on this one) vs "I am a very good person, the best you will ever find'

I could go on here, but I figure you get the point

Thanks for letting me share

I cannot even begin a list of things said, but I will say that after listening and processing, the word "opposite" became the key to what I was hearing.

She told me nobody treated her worse than me, I knew that probably no one had treated her as well.  I was there.   

I became adept at just flipping what was said to better understand her current feelings.

CiF

yikes this is all a walk down memory lane for me... .

I couple of ones that haven't been mentioned yet:

On date 2 "I love you"

When my teenager sent her teenager a FB friend request "how could you allow your child to do that, you are a terrible parent not knowing what your child is doing"

One of my favorites "you don't like my body, I will have plastic surgery if you want"

Just soo many more.  I have never had some many times where I would hear something and my head would just spin.

Some things have been mentioned by others already (or variations on same):

Good:

-No one in my life understands me but you (even after the break-up and she was with a replacement). 

-I am very proud of you

-I love you more than I knew it was possible to love another human being

-We were meant to meet each other at this time in our lives

-I would love to have your children

-(In reference to a miscarriage she had once) I wish I could have gone through that with you instead of my ex-husband.  It would have been easier.

-I never knew people like you existed

-You are the sexiest man I've ever been with

-I yearn for you

-I love you so much it hurts (a strange juxtaposition; in retrospect should have seen this as a massive  red-flag)

-Please don't ever leave me (even, at one point, "Please don't ever leave me no matter how much I say I don't need you"

-I love you in my soul (one week before taking up with replacement)

Bad:

-I love you but I'm not sure I'm in love with you (even when we broke up, and still today, refuses to say she's stopped loving me, instead saying "I don't love you like you want me to" or similar cryptic things)

-Everyone I've ever dated ended up hating me (I was later told that she "never said this," and then, when I persisted, was told "I was joking."  Good one!)

-I suck at life

-I am a horrible person, I have done horrible things (wouldn't elaborate). 

-I have needs that you can't meet

-I always push away the people that are closest to me

-You're not very attractive right now

-You have a serious problem.  Why are you being such a p***y

-You're a judgmental piece of ****

-I'm not there for you anymore, and I don't want you there for me.  Lose my number (then called me for four days straight)

-I was never serious about you

-Everyone here thinks you're some genius but I know the truth

One more, post-breakup (and with replacement), that really opened my eyes.  Texted me to tell me she was having "scary thoughts," by which she was implying thoughts of suicide.  Asked her if she felt safe.  She blamed the thoughts on her "pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder," but said if it weren't for that she wouldn't feel safe.  Conversations life this had occurred before.  Later in the evening texted me with stuff about the new boyfriend I didn't want to know, which I made clear.

Next day started saying she was "tired of dealing with me" and that she can "never confide in me." When I pointed out that just the previous day she had confided in me regarding her suicidal thoughts (!), she said "oh come on, everyone has those.  And anyway I wasn' t really suicidal."

I really realized what I was dealing with then. Wish I had realized sooner. 

OK, I’ll play…here’s a small sample most of these are things I know I’ve heard, because they are taken from emails over the last 20+ years.

Nice:

-   You are finally becoming the man I knew you could be.  I’m so proud of you

-   Lately you are acting again like ‘the man I married’

-   The man you’ve become is the type of person God had in mind when He created man.

-   Nowadays, you are fun to be around and you support my world in uplifting ways.

-   I love you and I’m dedicated and committed to you, no matter what.  There is nothing you could do to destroy that.

-   No matter what I will listen with a loving heart because I love you and I’m dedicated and committed to you until death parts us

Not so nice?

-   If you think that about me, you can just get the f#&k out and stay out!

-   You are like a rotten onion.  Every new layer I discover about you is worse than the one above.  

-   No other woman on this planet would put up with you for one minute. You are completely unlovable

-   You are a selfish, wimpy father (in front of the kids, no less)

-   I just wish you’d ‘disappear’ you sick, selfish son of a b#$#

-   Fathers aren’t even that important.  The kids wouldn’t miss you if you were gone.

Just plain weird

-   The kids would have turned out much better if I had just been artificially inseminated

-   I don’t know why God put me down here with ‘you people’.  I’m the only person on this planet that gets what he wants from us.

-   Telling our son after one of her blood tests came back slightly abnormal – “I’ve got Lupus and I passed it on to you” (Turns out she didn’t have ANYTHING)

-   Something happened at the hospital where I was born.  I was switched at birth.  There is no way I share DNA with that family.  I should get tested. (totally serious)

"As my wife you are expected to back me up when I lie to people"

"It is your job to work, take care of the house and raise the kids, not mine!"

"The world whips me like a dog"  (one of his favorite statements)

"You are five minutes late getting home! Who are you sleeping with?"

"your face looks like sh*#"

"Nobody likes you"

"Mommy!" (he called me that for years)

He would rage at me, then insist I was lying about it when confronted

After he raged at me, he would demand sex and get mad if I wouldn't

If I was sick, he would run off until I was better

If he was sick, he would get mad that I wasn't sick

He would flirt outrageously with women but give me hell for even looking at a man

If he even loaded the dishwasher he would complain that he had to do everything

He would steal my money and say I owed him because he was a good boy

He would primp and preen in front of the mirror but get mad if I wore makeup

"Ain't I a good boy?"

"I never said that, you are lying"

"I never did that, you are lying"

"I'm a good boy!"

Looking back now, it was hilarious, but at the time it was frustrating.

This list could go on and on forever... .

Just a few of the most memorable ones... .

''You're a nasty spiteful c**nt''

''You're Pathetic''

''You're a coward''

''You'll be alone with nothing but your bitterness to keep you company''

''I have had an enlightening moment, and have realised I don't need anyone like you in my life''

''I won't be down for long but you'll be down and alone for a lot longer''

''you're always playing 'the victim' card''

''I wash my hands of you - Stay out of my life''

I like this thread because many of the things my uxBPDgf said are what created the very confusion that kept me around. Intuitively I knew something was wrong, but was incapable of understanding what and why. Taking an inventory of things said can provide comic relief, insight and a new understanding of previously confusing events.

Positive;

"I'm so glad you're my guy"

"You're the most handsome"

"I feel so safe with you"

"I've never felt this safe with someone before"

"You have such a calming presence"

"You are a very comforting person for me"

Confusing;

"Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve good things"   

"What if we get married and I decide I don't want to have sex anymore?"

"I have the sex drive of a 15yo boy"

"Sex is not really a priority of mine"

"I think I'm unknowingly trying to sabotage this relationship"   

"Oh my god, you're a sex god!" We had not even had sex yet at that point.

"My therapist thinks you are seriously messed up!"

"When you're kissing a smoking hot babe and she asks you what you're thinking, you say you're thinking about her!"

Negative;

"You're not a man"

"You would be an awful father for my baby"

"You're going to be a bad dad"

"You are the enemy!" after I tell her she's arguing with me like I'm her enemy

"You are so ugly"

"Know what I did yesterday? I went on a date. And he actually listened to me"

"If you don't answer my question I'm going to dump this jar of water on you"

"I shined a flashlight in your eyes while you were trying to sleep because I was trying to get your attention!"

"I get more room when we're sleeping because I have a bigger personality"

"Go ____ yourself"

"____ off"

"You're a piece of ____"

"I really wish I had never dated you""

ive heard all sorts of random nonsense and direct contradictions... .lot of which are are close to those that have been mentioned... .

but my favorites were the stories.

ive heard i think 3 different stories of how he lost his virginity... .most of which are highly unlikely. most of his stories of girlfriends sounded a lot more likely to have been a porn movie plot.

i heard at least 4 different versions of him getting pulled over and him telling off the cop and the cop letting him go.

i've heard 3 different stories for why he was on pain meds in a particular time frame to get addicted to them.

i've heard stories of how he schooled some group of "gangster wannabe kids" on respect of waitresses... .which supposedly happened at a bar that's a country-western, mechanical bull sort of place unlikely to have any gangster wannabes anywhere in sight.

he got a degree from a school that doesnt offer that degree or anything even similar. and, got both his first masters and his bachelors at the same time in just 4 years... .but had claimed they were from different schools. and did his phd work at a school that isn't in the state he was living in when he claims he'd done it (given the topic, unlikely to be able to do online, etc)

his dad was the top performing military sniper while he was growing up (who he was sniping in the 80's, i dont know). and a pastor while he was growing up. and a cop while he was growing up. and a county worker. but only that last one is mentioned in the online obituary.

his flu was magically cured within 2 hours of being given tamiflu after he'd passed out and was taken to the er. when this was about day 5 of claiming flu, and tamiflu is only given in the first 2 days usually.

i talked to him on thursday night. he mentioned a doctors appointment in 2 weeks. i talked to him a day and a half later, and he made claims about what the doctor had said in the appointment that was supposed to be in 2 weeks.

he once shot someone in self defense while working as a delivery driver. and again while at a gas station. and again while being mugged.

he makes references constantly (usually to other men or on facebook) about playing golf... .how much he likes golf... .how much time he spends on the course... .to listen to him, you;d think he had a golf obsession... .and yet, in the entire time i knew him, i never once saw a club or other golf item anywhere in his vehicle or home, and never once did he make a comment about going golfing, or having just been golfing.

on our first date, he told me a story about a repair he'd done at work, that he said had happened that week. about 2 months later, he tells a waitress the same story, as having happened that week. about a month after that, he tells someone else the same story, that happened the day before.

and the list goes on... .and on... .

somehow, in all of this... .i always just took it as a sign of needing a self esteem boost... .of a typical guy trying to impress someone with brave macho man stories. i never actually stopped to notice exactly how much his reality seemed to be entirely flexible.

Mine told me she couldn't get pregnant. Guess what lol.

Some of the crazy things I remember my exGF said

"I hope I don't push you away" (on our 2nd date)

"I've often fantasized about being a prostitute - except now,with you, I would only have one client" (in bed after sex during our first month into the r/s)

"Can you please keep track of my menstrual cycles?"

"This spray-foam insulation is giving me cancer, and is poisoning my son! I need to move out now." (ungrounded panic with no factual information)

"You are the most wonderful lover"  (said this many, many times)

"My Therapist likes you and thinks you are really good for me"

"I am angry with my therapist... .[why?]... .because she encouraged me to keep dating you"

"little f**ker!" a remark about her 6yo son when he was acting out one morning and started getting a little physical with her.

"If you're going to disappear, please don't do it all at once - I don't want you to break my son's heart" (Upon discussing her unexpected pregnancy)

" I dont want to discuss this pregnancy until youve spoken with your therapist first... .[why?] because I'm afraid you're going to say things I don't want to hear"

"You really get me"

"I'm going to talk to my friends about my problem since you cant understand me"

"I miss the man I fell in love with" (during my N/C after b/u)

 "you're my forever love" (after the break up, talking about how easy it was for her to talk to a random dude at the bar when she was seeking validation. I guess forever was only two weeks because then she moved on)

The last night we had sex, 2d before the b/u, she said to me, while wrapped in my arms... .

"No matter what happens with us, I will alway love you"

almost precient, as if she knew things were going to unravel. Now it seems as if she said that as a prelude to, or a downpayment on keeping me hooked. 

Just the way I see things now... .

There were obviously things that she said in an emotionally stable state that were happy and positive, but there were also things she said that were so f'd up they stuck with me.  Here are some examples:

Early on she'd say "I will leave you and I always want you to come after me".  Yeah, big BPD  red-flag!

Numerous times during the r/s she'd say to me "I just don't see our lives together in the future".  She could never fully explain what that meant.

One time seconds after we were physically intimate, she said to me "I feel like sex is the only thing you share with me that you don't share with your D". That one will always stick with me as the weirdest thing she ever said to me!

A few weeks later, I had a special dinner with my teen D after not seeing her for a couple weeks.  During the dinner, my ex gf "sexted" a couple times.  I didn't look at my phone during the dinner, but checked it after to find graphic texts that my ex gf sent while she knew I was at dinner with my kid.  When I confronted her that night, she said "you are lucky to have a woman who'll send you notes like that!" Absolutely not acknowledgement that the timing was completely inappropriate and disrespectful.

A couple weeks before I left the r/s for good, we were on a flight back from NYC and she was going on about how I needed to participate in an outing with her and her kids where the kids have had major meltdowns in the past.  I mean crazy stuff.  So, I told her that we needed to change things up this year for my own mental health.  She resisted and I finally asked her if she had any empathy for how I must feel when witnessing such rages by her kids?  I totally believe she modeled for them and they thought this was how one should act.  She looked at me manufacturing some fake tears and said "I don't know how to be empathetic". This came from a 43 year old woman!

During our last confrontation, I attempted to leave the room when she wouldn't stop with a rant.  She followed me pushing her way through a door and pushing me hard against a wall.  This was the second time she had done this in less than a few weeks.  I pushed her off of me and yelled at her that she couldn't do that and that it is physical abuse.  She then said "I did it because I love you".  That was the same thing she said the first time she did it.  Classic words of an abuser!  She never got a chance to say those words again.

I've been in a healthy r/s with a fabulous non PD lady for nearly nine months and she doesn't say any  these wacky things... .

What my ex said to me is simply total Horse shiv, sometimes cruel, sometimes mocking then loving, then something else. Im in a process now of devaluing the words. She spoke so much and with so much utter crap, working out what was real or trying to decide is just not serving me. Her words and actions NEVER matched and it left me utterly confused and chasing my tail.

With a PD ex, actions could for 100X that of words. Her actions leave me in no doubt as to how important our marriage is and how valued I am.