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Hi. Wondering if any of you have gone through a similar scenario.

I am married to my uBPDw. We have two boys, S9 and S4. S9 struggles with BPD mom considerably, falls into the sensitive child spectrum and shows some BPD behaviors.

My mom and dad (who live across the country from us) have offered to host S9, as my brother and his friend who have a S8 will be visiting them at the same time. I am trying to work out arrangements for someone from my family to accompany S9 on the airplane, as he emphatically will not fly unless an adult relation accompanies him. My mom and dad want to give him some special time away from BPD mom, and the 8 year old really enjoy each other's company.

When I raised the subject with BPDw, using good communication tools, she did not object, like I was expecting, but she wants to go with S9 and bring S4. We don't have the money for 1 airfare, let alone 3. Beyond that, it would defeat a lot of the purpose of giving S9 some loving, supportive, non-BPD time with my parents.

Has anyone encountered a similar sticky situation? Enmeshment in this crap is pretty typical of my kids' family life. Nothing is straightforward. My wife puts her desires and wishes ahead of the kids so often. I am trying to non-aggressively keep a boundary that this is for S9. Any suggestions?

Hi T&S;

While the specifics of our situation are different, the general idea of having intentional boundaries about uBPD mom are the same for us. For instance, in the past H might have asked Mom to provide last-minute child care on his time. Now H finds someone else. Yay H!

For the airplane trip... .sounds like helpful info that S9 won't fly without an adult relative. In a way that narrows down options to mess around with.

18 counts as adult for flights, right? Do you have any 18-19 year old nieces/nephews that might have fun road tripping out to pick up S9 then flying him to your parents' place? Would your brother come out to fly S9 back? I know those are expensive options for family members, but maybe they would understand.

Also, is S9's issue the flying part, or the alone part? Or both? Trains do take longer but are sometimes cheaper & have a novelty factor, plus legroom... .

Anyway, hopefully this helps with brainstorming.

Hi kells. My dad or one of my brothers are willing to accompany my son on the flight. It's getting my wife to let go of him and allow him to have an experience without her overseeing it. It is sadly ironic. I want him to have time away from her for his protection, and she wants to go with to protect him from everybody but herself. I used SET to try to let her know I see how much she wants family social connection (even though she does classic push/pull passive aggressive behavior with my family). I did my best not to invalidate her feelings of "this is so meant to be" which she uses whenever she wants something that she knows we can't afford. And I clearly stated my wish that my son have a chance to enjoy his grandparents on his own. Her response was all projections and statements that she won't talk to me if I don't come from my feelings. Honestly, all that means is I am kindly disagreeing with her which must mean that I am out of touch with my feelings. 

Should I just force the issue and tell her that she is not going?

Looks like my son will not be going. My wife will not let go of the idea of her, S4 and S9 all going, which is not going to happen.

I didn't build this trip up much for S9. I knew it was not a sure thing. This one is eating at me. I think I am going to have to look within and see what is triggering me. I feel that I am letting my kids down.  :'(