BPDFamily.com

 So my divorced was finalized 4 weeks ago.  We were only married 1 year, no kids or joint property.  She left 11 weeks ago today and moved 700 miles away (she doesnt know anyone where moved)  She demanded no contact except via to sort divorce stuff out.  It wasnt easy but I didnt contact here except about divorce stuff. 

I have now noticed she reaches out every single week and though for several weeks everything has been wrapped up.  This Friday was the 1 year anniversary of her trying to file false charges against me. 

I get email from her Friday night at 11pm (I assume booze was involved) Blaming me for all sorts of abuse that did not ok.  Wishing me and stating she had a serious of epiphanies.   I don't believe a word of it.  And if I was an abusive ex husband she certainly wouldnt continue to reach out to me.   

I guess this is normal with BPD.   My hope that she would disappear once the divorce was finalized has pretty much gone out the window.  I didnt respond and I am not going to respond. 

I assume this is typical BPD behavior and I cam expect this continue? Especially with the Holidays coming up?

Hey LeftBehind, Sure, it's typical BPD behavior, causing her to reach out when her fear of abandonment kicks in.  That she continues to blame you for "all sorts of abuse" is also typical, which is why it's important to have Boundaries in place (see Tools above).  My BPDxW continued to blame me, too, which is one reason why I never considered going back.


Wise move.  Suggest you stay the course.

LuckyJim

 Thanks Lucky Jim.

  This email read a little bit like a goodbye with her wishing me well and saying she had let go of anger (I don't believe she meant either).  Although I am hopeful that it was a goodbye email and that she intends to never contact me, my XW is very dramatic and this would be like the 10th goodbye message I would have gotten from her.

   My biggest concern and my biggest trigger is that she is gearing up to file another false restraining order (or something similar), which would damage my career again. It would be harder this time because she doesn't know where I live now (people sad I was crazy to withhold it from her but I knew better) and because she is the only person making contact.  I haven't responded to anything that wasn't divorce related.   It's crazy how she can still cause this much anxiety in me even though the divorce was finalized and we live 700 miles apart. 

Hey LBG, I'm sorry to hear things are still tense for you.  Agree, those w/BPD thrive on drama and will rock the boat if seas are calm.

Whether she files another false restraining order is beyond your control, so I suggest you focus on yourself and what you can do to protect yourself.  For example, keep meticulous records of your interactions w/her and decline to respond to taunting, baiting or bullying.  You might want to review your Boundaries (see Tools, above).

Presumably there is a risk to her of liability for a false/fraudulent filing, as your Attorney can confirm.

LJ

its unfinished business, thats for sure.

divorce leaves a lot of devastation in its wake. its a resolution, in most senses of the word.

but it doesnt mean that there is no lingering resentment, no blame, no heartache. ive met plenty of folks putting down their ex husband or ex wife of 20 years.

thats what youre receiving. she hasnt let go of all of that.


not responding to a laundry list of blame after a divorce is certainly valid. and at this point, even a truce message might just amplify things.

what about routing her emails to the trash? unread emails are harmless.

 Thanks for responding Once Removed. 

If this had been a normal relationship that ended in a normal way, I would think it could be healthy if we both admitted our parts in the failed marriage, and apologized.  I certainly was far from perfect, and there are many things I would like to apologize for and take responsibility for.  I think doing so at this point would only agitate her more, and set me up for further contact and emotional abuse from her. 

A number of close friends have suggested blocking her emails (as all of our business has been concluded).  I think I am getting pretty close to that point, but I am not there yet.   

you may be right. letting someone feel heard can go a long way...and sometimes, it can just amp their need to be heard. especially if you havent been responding.


likewise, think this through.

if you blocked her emails, would she receive notice of that? if so, she may take that as a response, and it could make her even more inclined to amp things up.

there are a lot of options here. it could be that if she assumes youre reading them, there is some release in that that will eventually burn itself out. but if you route them to the trash, you arent reading them, no harm done.

what do you think?

Once Removed,

  Thank you again for your kind response.  I have gmail, and it's my understanding that blocking is directly routing emails from a particular address to trash / spam, and that no notification will be sent to her.

   She emailed me again yesterday about how the county we used to live in screwed up her car tax, and that I should check to see if they screwed up mine as well (we have completely separate cars that were never jointly owned, and she doesn't know that I still reside in that county). So there really was no reason to send this email.   It's kind of mind boggling that she can go from accusing me of horrific abuse on Friday to trying to help me out with this BS car tax stuff on Wednesday.   This feels like it was just an accuse to reach out again, and it makes her email on Friday seem even more abusive.   Normally I would have responded politely to the car tax email, but I ignored that as well. It's amazing to me that she thinks this behavior is in anyway acceptable.

    I guess whatever hope I had that the Friday email was a goodbye email has now gone out the window. 

UPDATE

    I should have known better.  She emailed again today to make an angry crazy accusation that some how I was going to not pay the car tax on my own car to screw her over (I am not sure how that would work as the county would like impound the car which would only affect me).  I am a professional in my 40's.  I have never not paid a bill in my entire life, let alone a tax bill. 

   The tone of this second email was very angry and commanding (she wanted me to pay the bill immediately even though it's not due until January).  It's like she thinks everything is a game or a chess to be used against her regardless of the cost. 

   I made the mistake of replying that I was aware of the bill, and that I would take care of it.  This really just feels like more emotional abuse, and I think I am ready to block her now.  I don't think I needed to reply to this nonsense at all, and yet I did.  Dumb on my part.

First of all there are no mistakes here. We all process the end of a relationship for a while afterwards and yes it can be even more complicated when someone has BPD/BPD Traits.  But I see nothing wrong with a quick email letting her know you will take care of a bill.  Don't beat yourself up.  But since she has previously made false accusations, please keep a copy of the emails just in case she tries to twist the communication into something else.

Blocking her or not blocking her in my opinion should be about what is best for you and not about punishing her.  If you are feeling emotionally abused, that there is really no reason for her to be contacting you, and you are ready to let go then do.

Panda39