BPDFamily.com

So after a great week and a half and my wife agreeing to counseling, now I'm painted black again (told her family I'm having an affair), and no communication.  This is all because she couldn't deal with all her destructive behaviors since she decided to get the house behind my back and cut me out of our family vacation.  Mid last week, she laid on the couch for 2 hours crying and feeling overwhelmed (wouldn't say why exactly, but mostly complained about her boss).  I just sat there, held her hand and let her talk.  She told me she didn't want me to leave (go back to my apartment at night) anymore.  She also told me that her mom was coming down for a month which her mom enables her behavior.  The problem is she has lied to her family about so many things about me, that she knows it is a deep whole to crawl out of.  I think she wanted me to "rescue" her, but I can't and didn't offer.  This is something she caused and I realize until she wants it, she won't do anything about it.  Anyway, after she dysregulated Friday as we were talking about the cruise and she said it didn't turn out the way she wanted   (but yet she cut me out of it), and the emotion from a couple of days ago all was hitting her at once.  I never argued, even told her that we needed a timeout once I knew the argument was going in circles.  I accidentally left my laptop at her house, and she went through it.  She has now kept my laptop because she found some things on there (searched for "how to hide an affair" as I thought that was what she was doing before I found this site a couple of months ago, and found BPD sites in my history), kept my laptop, and now has told her family that I'm having an affair, and now I'm painted black again.  I'm having to drop some classes due to not having a laptop.  it sucks.  This whole thing sucks.  She keeps digging herself a bigger hole... .I'm kind of down today.   :'(

Feel for you, and you were doing so well not taking on her dramas. I know the family thing gets under your skin, i have had those issues to, but staying out of them is best.

Sucks about the laptop, that is important. What do you think you can do about making that a boundary issue?

Dont JADE about what she finds on there, that is her problem, but you do need it for your work/studies. Is it backed up in case she decides to delete stuff out of spite?

 

Yep... .laptop sucks.  Here is what I do.

I have a password to get into the laptop.

Then... .I have a separate password to get into my google.  I have a habit of always logging out of google before I walk away from a computer.

Back up files in google drive.

Even with all of that I only get on BPD sites in "incognito" mode on chrome.  That way it never shows in history.

A little over the top?  Yeah... .but her being in my computer and stuff was unbearable... .she would constant find stuff and make claims... .try to force me to JADE.

My first extinction burst survival story was over the password.  I held out... .and WON!   |iiii

Now... .it's a non-issue.  I never bring it up... .and she doesn't either.  Life moves on.

Note:  Once or twice I found her laptop on... .sitting around.  I used to get curious.  Now I will log her out... to get rid of the temptation.  I figure the boundary should go both ways... .and I have enough to think about.

It was no good for me... .mentally... .to be snooping... .I would think of different things to search for... .much better after I quit that.

So... what I'm saying is don't retaliate.

We have had no contact since Saturday as I haven't tried to contact her.  Last thing she said to me was, "I have all the evidence I need to make a permanent decision for my life."    I don't care about what she found, I care more about having to drop the classes.  She was the one who gave me a push into going back to school and I have carried a 4.0 this far.  I will not contact her first.  another thing that is on her mind is her mom coming in for a whole month.  I have really worked hard on not arguing or continuing the fight.  I just think the emotion began to hit her all at once and having to deal with her mom coming in town and all that she has told them was overwhelming to her and this gave her an "out" to not have to deal with it right now. 

What happens worst case if you just went NC until her mum has been and gone.?

If she has the cavalry sitting on her shoulder whilst you try to deal with this it could get a lot worse.

No, unfortunately, my laptop is not backed up.  I tried to defend myself as far as what she found and didn't realize it until I was in the middle of it.  Once I realized it (which was pretty quick), I stopped and nicely asked for it back.  As far as a boundary, I'm not really sure yet.  I've only been good at setting the boundary that got us talking again.  These are the tough ones. 


I have gone NC.  Since I went NC Saturday after her refusing to return my laptop, she completely blocked me off of facebook yesterday, but has kept me tied to her kids facebook.  I think she is trying to get me to contact her and used blocking me as the vehicle.  I won't.  I don't know what worst case is and don't really want to think about that as I am standing firm for the marriage.  Her mom is an enabler though.  She has seen her mistreat me and my children in her rages yet "doesn't want to get involved". 

Got by her block of me on facebook and my wife has put a facebook cover photo up that talks about movin on... .  :'( 

I'm tired of her devaluing me publicly so that I will contact her.  I am sending her an email and certified letter today that she will now be responsible for her own car note as I have been paying it since the split.  This is hard!   

That would be breaking NC... .and would be seen as an escalation... .or jab back... .

So here is the latest.  On Friday, I got notifications that "someone" (my wife at her house) logged in to my laptop and our computer (reminder: she kept my lapop) and started changing my passwords to my online accounts.  I shut them down remotely when it started happening.  My wife then texted and asked, ":)id you put a code on the computer because I can't get into it now?"  I said yes, and told her I would remove it when she gave me my laptop back.  I asked if we could meet Sunday to get it and no response.  Yesterday came and she said, "I'm going to ask you one more time, remove the lock on the computer.  The kids have reports to print."  Now, the kids have school issued laptops that they do it all on, so that was a lie.  I responded, "I don't want the kids schoolwork affected.  Can you please help me to understand why you won't give my laptop back?"  She said, "then unlock it"  No response to my question.  I stuck to my guns and said that I would be glad to unlock it when I get my laptop and backpack back.  No response.  This is not about the kids, it's about her having control.  Sad.  Now she is posting stuff on facebook that is total projection and aimed at me.  One was this morning titled, "18 Ways You Are Making Life Harder Than It Needs To Be".     It should be called "I Hate When My Husband Draws Boundaries".   

I would try to move this from text to voice or in person. 

But stick to this!

Don't worry, I will stick to it, but why move it from text to voice or in person?  How do I go about doing that?  She tried calling me multiple times on Friday when it happened, but I wouldn't answer as she was having an extinction burst. 

Text is very impersonal.  Writing things down for pwBPD is bad... .they will bring it up and hammer u with it again and again...

They can re read it over and over.

The goal is not that you text well with your wife... .your goal is to have a r/s... .texting is not a r/s... .neither is facebook.

Full disclosure:  I'm not a facebooker... .and I got tired of getting hammered via text for various things... .so I quit texting about it.  Just wouldn't respond.

I think it helped in my case... .

Good point.  We are kind of at a stand still because I won't budge.  I guess I will just wait for her to contact me again.  Tired of the back and forth.  I know I never set boundaries before, but setting now is difficult.  Last time I set it, it broke the 6-7 weeks of no contact, but now, she is mad because she knows I've changed and not going to let her run over me anymore.  I feel like I was such an idiot for letting it get this far because of my lack of boundaries.  Oh well, I won't beat myself up over it.  Also, she is really down on herself.  She just posted, "11 Ways To Love Yourself More"... .At times, I feel sorry for her that she has no good feelings about herself... .

I think you have it figured out correctly... .you need to stay strong... .and not cave. 

pwBPD can take past events and reuse them out of context.

Relationships are fluid and evolve.

Texts, email and letters once sent are not subject to change in step with future evolution and can always be be quoted at a different time and used out of context counter to positive forward thinking.

Things can change, you can provide a ton of validation, take great steps forward, but a text/email/letter past sent can be requoted anytime to prove you think they are horrible.

"but you said here in black and white that... .etc"

Day 2 of holding my ground regarding the laptop.  She hasn't tried to contact me since Sunday when I told her I wouldn't unlock the computer until she gave me my laptop back.  I'm at the point where I need to send her an email that I won't be paying her car note starting this month (this is the third month since she decided she wanted to separate) and don't know how well that will go over with the laptop situation going on.  I'm not trying to trigger her abandonment fears, but she chose the separation and needs to deal with those choices.  I was set to do this, but having second thoughts.  Don't know if that is my fear and unhealthiness talking or what... .

Why do you need to send her an email?  Just don't pay it... .

If she wants to bring it up... .ask her to meet in person... with your laptop... .and discuss the r/s.

I think... .it is a bit of your fear talking. 

Choose your path... .walk it.  You don't have to keep explaining to her the path you are on... .just do it.

Why not let her know?  Just curious... .I think it is common courtesy when it affects me because my name is on the title and because I've been paying it and in 15 days she will be responsible for it... .Maybe I'm wrong... .

It could be interpreted as you "chasing" her... .vice just living your life. 

It could work out just fine... .or it could be yet another thing that she misinterprets and rants about.

The important principle is to figure out what you want to do... .and do it.

Maybe this is better idea... .

Ask her to coffee to discuss finances and laptop... .or whatever else you would like to put on the list. 

Make sure you go... .regardless of what she says.  That is your common courtesy... .you don't need to "chase" her to give her the message. 

Delivering that message in person will go much better than a text.

You will get a better feel for timing... .can validate first... .etc etc.

I'm not so opposed to your letting her know or common courtesy... .its more the method. 

Hope this clarifies... .

Validation is where I'm having the issue.  It's hard to validate when she keeps creating havoc and more issues.  What feelings exactly do I validate?  I'm having trouble with this... .

Give me a list of some of the feelings or things... and we'll see what we can come up with... .to help you validate.

Hang in there.

I only go over to her house for sex (yet I didher dishes each night, took her to the doctor and found out she has a cyst, took care of her and fixed dinner for the family,  took the kids to the store while she sat with the hot pad at my request, and only had sex once).

I haven't changed (yet she has commented several times that I have).

Accuses me of having an affair (I haven't)

Says I look great as I have lost 75 lbs (and she can't lose any and gets down on herself) but I must be losing it for someone else.  When we fell in love, both going through divorces , we both lost some weight together.  She always talks about how bad she looks yet I tell her that I love her regardless.

Says that I am haughty and uncaring (see the issues about sex)

I am selfish and only think about my needs and what I want (yet the last three months has been all about her and her choices and control).

tries to start fights when my children come over.

I did JADE the other day when she asked me on Sunday to remove the lock on the computer.  I held my boundary and then I told her that I still love her and to stop doing things that destroy that.

And a big one... .While we were having such a great week, she started to get overwhelmed by what I think was all that she has caused and the bad blood she has created... .

Yeah... .so spend time validating frustration... .not agreeing with statements. 

Gently let her talk around that and answer... .vice you answering... .but using "help me understand... ."

Such as... ."help me understand how it can all be about sex... ."... .let her talk for a while.

If you don't get to agreement... .

Disengage... .sorry you feel that way... .that's your opinion... .etc etc.

Then move on to another topic...

If she tries to pin you to agreement... ." I don't understand xyz... .and other things to make her give you facts... .instead of you giving them to her... ".

Ultimately... .it's about the fight... .not about if you are only out for sex.  She will tire of this after a while... .it may take a while.

So... for most of those statements... .focus on not reacting... and moving along to a more productive area... .

I should still wait till she contacts me though right.  I'm holding the boundary.

I have a problem with someone in effect holding a possession of yours as "hostage" and wants access to it.

This is simply selfish powerplay.

My personal boundary with this would be that everything stops while this is happening. Sex would definitely be off the table.

All the rest of it are just issues to keep you engaged in negotiations...

Doesn't matter if its a laptop or your favorite teddy bear, it is the core behavior that is the problem. It might be the laptop this time, next time it might be your car keys or your passport. She is witholding something that she has no right to withold

 

Amen to that... .

Yeah, understood and heard!

I reread your first statement, and wanted to clarify what happened.  Everytime my kids come over, my wife tries to get "negative attention" (jealousy Iwould guess), by creating either a fight, a way to get me to look bad or create a situation to put me and my children on pins and needles.  Last Friday, my wife was using my laptop to change my passwords and when I figured that out, I locked it up remotely with a passcode.  She then went to the family computer and started again. I remotely shut the family computer down with a passcode also.  She wants me to unlock the family computer (and used the kids as an excuse) and told her I wouldn't until I get my laptop back.  That is what she was wanting, but not willing to give my laptop back in exchange.  Yet... .But yes, it is selfish powerplay and of course, she could say the same thing about me.  I don't care though as I think it's funny that her plan backfired.  I know she is embarrassed and I'm sure making me out to be some ogre.  Oh well.

Interesting... .

My quick take is that you can both hold fast... .or both give up.

But I would not cave in without getting what you want.

I would also make sure if she caves in... .you come through with your part.

Hmmm... .will think more on this...

What do you mean by both holding fast or both giving up?

I don't want to cave, and of course my family thinks I shouldn't speak to her again until she gives it back as I have had to withdrawal for the semester from school since my classes are all online.  My wife is the one that wanted me to go back to school and get my degree and now she is sabotaging it.  I don't know what to do.  This is tough.

 

I mean if she sticks to her guns... .you stick to yours  (that is hold fast).

If you cave in... .she will think she has "won". 

It's a power play (most likely)... .you have engaged in the powerplay by locking things down... .so now you are committed.

Sort of like enforcing a boundary.  If you try to enforce one and back down... .it will be worse than never trying at all.

Thoughts?

I didn't lock things down to get my laptop back actually (it did open a door to have some leverage and create a boundary), I locked them down to keep her from changing more of my online account passwords.  I totally agree that whe will think she has won.  Even if I contact her first.  I realize that I am just going through the "hell" of silent treatment and it is causing me to question things and miss contact.  I am working through the anxiety and fear and recognizing it for what it is.  I am getting stronger.  And this comes in the middle of letting her know she will be responsible for her own car note going forward.  She has our daughter's "family birthday cruise" (I was cut out of) coming up 9 days after her car note is due.  It's all a mess at the moment, and know she is overwhelmed.  I want her to know that I'm different and will hold my boundaries.

She called me asking for the code and "then" she would give me my laptop back tonight.  I stood my ground very calmly and she dysregulated, accused me of accessing all her accounts (which is what she did to me) and went off.  Told me I was a liar (responded that I'm sorry you feel that way) and that she was going to the police.  Told me she wanted me out of her life.  Said she would see me in jail and hung up. 

I sent her a text that said, "Wife, are you afraid that by giving me my laptop that there is no longer a tie to me and that I won't "be here" for you anymore?  I'm still here.  I'm not going to hurt you and we can resolve this together.  No response.

 

I think that was a decent response.

Might have been better to give a problem solving solution... .rather than suggesting what she may be thinking... .

Trouble with suggesting things... .is if you are wrong... it could be invalidating.

If she thinks that... .but thinks you don't understand it... .invalidating...

You get the picture.

Problem solving is lets meet to hand over the laptop and the code at same time.

Then suggest doing sometime "together" after that... .to show that you still want her... .

Or something like that...

Thoughts?

Oh yeah... .I'm generally anti-texting.  She could read today and be fine with it.  Her feelings change tomorrow... .she reads it and it invalidates... .

I gave a problem solving solution (meet me after work with the laptop and I will give you the code and she wouldn't do it) on the phone.  She wanted it only her way (code now and laptop leter) and accusing me of possibly not giving her the right code (projection as she had no intention of giving me my laptop).  I called her bluff.  If she wanted to give me the laptop, she wouldn't have minded.  That's why I sent her the text I did.  it's the only thing that makes sense.  

Another thing, she not once accused me this time of having an affair, instead, it was a threat of violating her privacy and calling the police.  She is seeing what manipulation tactic works on me and none in three months have worked.  She sees that I have changed and she isn't handling it well.  All these things she's told her family that are lies are hitting home with her because she realizes she can't bait me or blackmail me anymore.  On the phone, she also tried to hit me with "the kids are horribly inconvenienced and can't get their work done".  I told her that they have school issued laptops and I had to withdrawal from school for the semester because she had mine for the last three weeks.  Her response was, "You could have gone to the school library and done your work on their computers."  I didn't respond to that garbage, but I thought, are you effing kidding me?  Did she even hear herself?       :)

So yesterday evening, my wife texted and made a couple of comments about the kids not having the ability to print.  I responded by telling her a time I could meet that was right around the corner from her house to exchange the laptop for the code to unlock the family computer.  I asked her if a certain time worked for her.  She told me she needed the code first to have "30 minutes to change her passwords".  I told her that she wasn't getting it until I got my laptop.  She then got angry and threatened to go to the police again.  I simply ignored it and asked, "can you help me to understand why you are having such a hard time giving me the laptop back?  She asked me why I was having a hard time giving her the code.  I told her, again, that I have emails that are timestamped to prove my passwords were being changed from both the laptop and family computer between certain time when the kids were at school (she works out of the house).   She of course denied it and told me she was changing her passwords.  I realize now, she probably freaked when I locked my laptop up and that is when she went to the family computer and tried to change one of hers (which I have confirmation of also) to try and cover it up.  I just told her this, "I have been more than patient and cooperative with you.  You need to come to the realization yourself why you are refusing to give my laptop back.  All you are looking for is a fight, and I won't participate in that any longer"  She said, "we'll see" and that was that.  She is having a lot of trouble with me holding boundaries.  She is expecting me to bend... .It won't happen

Quick questions:  My wife and I have had no communication since Thursday after reinforcing my boundary of not giving up the unlock code to the computer before giving my laptop back.  This is the second time I've held a boundary with her in the last month with the first time her giving in after roughly 24 hours.  This time, she hasn't given in and it's been almost a week and a half.  How long can the standstill go on before she realizes I'm not budging?  Also, I saw a post of hers on Facebook about how "good" things are (she always tries and "responds" to my posts with hers, for instance, I posted a throwback Thursday photo of our family because I love that photo and she posts a few hours later of just her kids) which I know is projection and not the truth, but it makes me feel hopeless.  Why?

 

It can go on for a long time... .hopefully you can find something else to focus on... .something that you control.

I would stay away from reading to much into who posts what on different sites.

The thing is... you will never know what she meant by the post.

Or... .how she took your post.

Hang in there. 

Can you update us on the individual work that you are doing?  What have you been doing lately to get yourself stronger... more healthy.

I think you had said a while back you had lost a bunch of weight?  How much? 

I have lost 75 lbs over about 16 months. Went from 290 down to 215.  I think that became a trigger for her due to her not being able to lose (self-mytilation IMO).  Anyway, I read up on the stuff all the time, just having a real hard time as I said previously on validation.  Don't know when to do it and I don't know if it helps in the middle of her silent treatment or being angry at me from setting a boundary.  Don't want to be the first to break as I always was the one to apologize first.  Trying to get myself healthy and make better choices.

Validate when you detect an emotion from her.  Doesn't apply to silence... .as you have no idea what the emotion really is.

Lesson #1 in validation is don't invalidate.  Listen first for that... then see if there is something you can validate.

Breaking silent treatment.  The key is to have communication be about something nonchalant... .don't bring up the NC.

She may or may not be angry about a boundary... .don't read into that.  Just do the boundary and move along.

You can validate the emotion she expresses... .but you may never know whey she is expressing it.  So... when validating... .don't validate being angry because of the boundary... .just validate anger.  Stay away from the why... .

Because that brings up that you may be the why... .  Better to just focus on the emotion...

Ok, the main thing I'm having a problem with is her wanting control in every situation it seems.  Like keeping my laptop, and wanting communication always being on her terms.  This time, I'm showing im different by not being the one to break first.  She thinks she can dish out whatever and I'll take it, but not anymore.  She expects me to break first.  She knows that withholding communication and affection from me was always my weak spot.  Again, not anymore.  I'm kind of at an impasse because I don't want to revert to old behavior

 Not really an impasse... .you are just doing your new thing.

Live your life and your values.  She will do... what she will do.

I'm assuming you are still not making the car payment... .?  Any other bill issues out there that you know about... ?

I'm not paying the car note and will let her know that on Friday afternoon in an email.  No other real bills after that except for my work insurance is up for re-enrollment next month for next year.  Not real sure what to do about that yet.  Praying and asking God for direction.  On that, I feel she wanted the separation, so she needs to get it through her work, and if/when we get back together, I can put them back on mine for the following year.  That will take a chunk out of her check, but not my problem.  What I've really noticed the last couple of days is that she is low on money.  She has the vacation coming up in less than three weeks and doesn't have any spending money (what I figure), and will only get worse since she will be responsible for her car note next week.  A part of me feels bad (FOG, I know), but know that she chose this route without thinking through things, getting counseling first and was completely emotional regarding every decision she's made since July 1st.  What I've learned is when you do that, you end up paying a far bigger price.  I believe God is trying to get her attention to turn her life around, but she is too scared and doesn't want to have to eat her words to all the people that she's lied on me to... .Much easier to continue painting me black.   

 

Not sure why you have picked a time to let her know.

Just don't pay it.  If she asks... .set up a time to meet to discuss finances... .if no meeting... .no discussion and no money...

Remember... .you are happy to meet and work on her concerns... .just not happy to do it via text, email or phone...

Part of it, is I feel it is an integrity issue on my part and the right thing.  Right now, I don't trust with the state she's in that she isn't looking for any reason to call the cops on me as that has been threatened.  Also, she'll use it as another reason to continue painting me black... .Also, In another thread, you said to not set demands.  Wouldn't my issue with not giving the code to her in exchange for my laptop fall under the demand category and not a boundary?  I don't think so, just getting your take... .

 

Explain the integrity part... .

Trying to "outthink" a pwBPD so they don't call cops on you in not a good plan.  If they want to... .they will.

They don't do that because of a plan... .it's their emotions getting the best of them... .then they can't think straight.

You are not putting pressure on her... .you need to stop saving her from pressure she has put on herself... .

don't save her from her choices... .

Hello maroonliquid,

I have just read this thread through to formfliers last response. I am sorry that you are and have been having such a difficult time of late. It must be exhausting and upsetting to be in this situation with someone you clearly still love.

I have a couple of questions running around my head now I have finished reading which are,

- would you be stopping the car money in this way if the laptop situation hadn't occurred?

- is it possible to hold off on any decisions outside the laptop situation until some kind of resolution has been reached, maybe until after the vacation?

I don't know the answers to these questions but your situation has in my opinion moved beyond an enforcement of boundaries. I think you are right it does feel like this is a stand off which to someone with BPD is a situation which they will only react negatively to, in that it keeps triggering them.

I wonder with support from here could you explore alternative ways in which to resolve this situation without you feeling like you have had to 'give in' and that allows your wife a different way to respond that helps her feel validated?

Again I don't have the answer but I am aware that the situation is escalating negatively and it maybe that as the person without BPD we could explore different options.

She just called and asked for a divorce.  Went through the "too much water under the bridge" (of course she caused all of it) BS and after a few minutes of telling her that this isn't right, and then her telling me that I impose my will over our family, she hung up, I called her back and said I disagree with your direction, that we can agree to disagree, but you have free will and if that is what you want, OK.  She said, "I'm glad you came around to this and in a few days, you will see that this is right.  Have a nice life husband" and hung up on me.  I refuse to fight any longer.  I think she tried to use this to put me on the defensive again after holding a boundary and put me in a no win situation.

She texted and said, "Thank you for listening and not getting mad this morning.  I truly want this to go as smoothly as possible for us. 

Don't know how to respond!

Do not agree to a divorce.  If she wants one... .she can get it.  You can't stop it.  If you want to stay... .then make her own this issue.

If she says she wants a divorce... just say... .sorry you feel that way.

Move along to other subjects.

She knows where you are.  If she files... .she files.

If you give her words that make it seem like you want it... .or agree... .it will make it easier for her.

Communicate about this... .don't fight... .tell her your desire is to heal... .not divorce... .but you validate her emotions... and her opinion.  You just have a different one.

I told her I didn't agree with it and made it extremely clear, but knew she has choice, and told her I couldn't stop her and that I would continue to stand for the marriage.  Here is my response that I may send... .

I understand you are where you are at this moment and you feel "too much has happened".  That's normal to feel that way in a marriage at times.  Things between us are tough, but I know nothing is too big for God and He always makes a way of escape if we allow it.  

She responded a couple of more times about her going on her own insurance and meeting with the laptop and pin code.  I told her we can meet tonight at 7:30PM to exchange.  No response yet.  I'm not touching on the other subjects as I don't feel led to over text.

What do you mean "make her own this issue"?  I thought I did that by telling her I don't want this.

 

Sort of... .but that is a bit close to a "yes and no" argument.

Also... .don't draw a line in the sand and say "if you want it... .you must file"... .she knows this... .don't "challenge" her.

Did you "validate" lot of water under the bridge...

No,  didn't and feel bad for that.  She didn't respond to my meeting tonight for laptop/pin code and instead changed the subject to bills... .I think she is messing with me

don't feel bad for it... .just decide to try and do better next time.

All you can do is the best you can... .we hope on this site to get you stronger and able to have your best be a bit better.

Also... I would get away from deciding if she is serious or messing with you... .you need to detach a little more... .evaluate the action/communication that she takes... .and figure out a best response from the lessons.

Hang in there... .divorce threats stink... .I lost count over the years of how many I've gotten.  I've even answered the phone at my house when a lawyer was calling her back.  She could have been "messing with me"... .or I just chanced into it.

Either way... .if she wants a divorce... she knows where to find me and serve me.  Most pwBPD don't like to take responsibility for their actions and their life... .them filing for divorce would mean they are being responsible... .

So... .not saying to "not worry"... .but trying to put it in perspective for you.

Hang tough... .

A meeting about bills is just as good... .as a meeting for another reason.  The point is to establish some personal contact where you can validate... .use tools and lessons.

I sent her this... .Earlier you said that too much has happened between us.  It is normal to feel that way in any marriage, especially with all we've been through and have had to deal with.  Things between us are tough in this moment, but I know nothing is too big for God and He always makes a way of escape if we allow it.  I desire God's best with healing and restoration, not divorce.  We can get through this.

I then sent her a text telling her we can discuss bills when we meet.  She responded with, "I have decided to keep the property where it is until the divorce is final."  I responded with, "ok".  I won't let her bother me.  She is trying to mess with me.

*mod*

This thread has been locked due to reaching its post limit... .It is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the discussion. Thanks for your understanding.