BPDFamily.com

Hi all!

Well, I think my subject line about sums it up. I've been finding myself actually feeling jealous of other members posts talking about contact / continued contact. How messed up is that?  I mean - I haven't spoken with my exBPDbf in almost two years, fer Pete's sake! 

He tried to reach out to me once. A year after he dumped me. There was no communication. Just a Friend Request on FB. I ignored it. He responded by blocking me and now I'm "painted black".  He's still keeping FB tabs on me thru other means, but no communication.

I honestly believed that he would have reached out to me by now. I really did. Knowing him and the way he operates, reading so much about BPD - I was sure of it. But no - he hasn't. I don't want him back. I don't want a recycle. I know they don't "do closure". I'm just feeling jealous and it irks me because it's irrational.

Thanks for reading!

This validates my experience.  I know I could reach out to her but it hurt she wouldn't reach out to me.  Part of the narcissistic injury I suppoce

Hi Blimblam,

The final straw for me was getting blocked for not accepting his Friend Request. I mean, really? You do a despicable thing to me, basically leave me for dead, give me Silent Treatment for a year - then think all you have to do is send a Friend Request and you're forgiven? Then you get all butt-hurt cuz I ignore you?

I know he checks up on me occasionally. I just feel jealous of members who actually receive communication of some kind. It's wrong. I shouldn't care AT ALL ! And it bugs me that he "sneaks around" on FB to see what I'm up to. Won't reach out and communicate - just creeps around late at night (he keeps weird hours).

Don't feel jealous.

I went through almost the same exact thing as you.  I was with my exBPDgf for about 7 years and the last time it ended I went NC.  I stuck to it but I "knew" she would try and contact me, at the time my guess was 6 months or one year and 6 months.  When the second predicted date came around and nothing happened irrationally it bothered me.  I didn't get jealous of other members, per-say, but I did read other "NC" stories of how the BPD would try and initiate contact through playing games.

I was "prepping" myself to stay strong, thinking a lot when my day would come.  The deadline in my mind came and went, I started to doubt what I experienced,  "maybe she didn't have BPD, maybe it was my fault, maybe this, maybe that."   The self doubt got to me pretty bad.   Other people's "No contact attempts at contact" and the stories of attempted recycles really made me call into question everything I witnessed and experienced.  It was like the gas-lighting was still haunting me.

In a way, yes, I was jealous of the recycle stories, but not because I wanted to get back to her, I wanted validation.  I wanted some sort of logical confirmation, a scientific method of showing predicatively what would happen.  I re-built my emotional sanity on the foundation of understanding BPD and that she probably had it (she had a laundry list and then some of signs).  When this "last cue" didn't show up I really started to question that foundation and started losing my emotional well-being again.

It wasn't as bad as re-living the worst parts that I've gone through, but it was bad enough to make note of it.   I struggled for another 6 or so months, really questioning what I knew, then it happened.  I was simply about 6 months off from my prediction, she lasted a little longer than I suspected she would with whoever she was with at the time.

She tries to play head games with me, sent me a very overtly flirty and seductive email and the adrenaline rush triggered by fight or flight mechanics filled my mouth with rust.  I stuck to my plan and carefully drew a line in the sand and pointed out her bad behavior and how she treated me like ___ the last time we were talking.   Everything spiraled predicatively from there.

Now she pines over me but I don't speak with her.   I got my validation and got to say goodbye to mutual friends that I also hadn't spoken to for 2 years.

I hate her an amazing amount, the amount is practically infinite and if I dwell on it, it simply builds at an ever increasing rate.

I keep a journal and dump all my negativity or anything that is even remotely connected to her into it.   Once it's down on paper I just let it go from my mind.

---

Don't be jealous of those in contact.  I've been there too, I've been recycled at least once, I can't remember if it was worse or not the second time around, but I can honestly say the second time around damaged me as a person more because I made so many excuses, concessions and re-wrote reality in my head to make it work.   That's where the lion's share of my hatred comes from, that I was honestly in a position to bend space time for an individual and she was just... .it was just a waste.

---

Dive into work, concentrate on a hobby, teach yourself something difficult and forget that you are counting the days. Maybe your year one contact was the contact.  Try and take that as the closure.   I never expect to get closure, them trying to recycle you is probably the closest any of us can get.

Yep, irrational, but I understand.  The behavior I tolerated, the disrespect, the abuse, the fact that I tolerated what I did was irrational too.  The fact that I totally lost all objectivity and myself in the process was also irrational.  The fact I spent WAY too long chasing a fiction was irrational too.  Very fertile field for growth there: for me it has boiled down to my confusing the chase, the longing, the urge for love that wasn't there, for real love has been extremely eye-opening.  Once in a while I miss hearing her voice, more irrationality, but it all ties into that confusion of the longing for love with the real thing.  I know I could never get what I really want and need from her, she isn't capable, so better to cultivate real relationships with people, and I feel the urge, the irrational longing, fading day by day... .

Hamakua,

Thank you for a very insightful response.  I'm sorry - but I laughed at "I hate her an amazing amount". I know it wasn't meant to be funny - but it made me laugh.  

Perhaps my one-year contact WAS my contact. I don't know. I will tell you that mutual friends reported that he has reacted recently to one of my FB postings. And I will tell you that I actually felt somewhat validated when I heard this. What hurt the most was the thought that I was completely erased and forgotten by him. His recent activity on FB (after months and months of nothing following my being "blocked" by him) proves to me what others have been saying. That despite what he may want me to think, despite the ongoing Silent Treatment - he does still think of me and wants to know what I'm doing. I guess that is as good as it will get.

I don't miss him or the relationship. I've recently landed a wonderful new job and I have been meeting some terrific new people. He is back in his old life and is miserable. Pretends he's not, though.

I just feel like an ass when I find myself envious of other members getting ongoing attempts at contact. I think to myself, "Wow. And I was only worth a pathetic Friend Request. Couldn't even bother with a message".   Dumb, I know.

We'd like to know we matter. To not feel so rejected. Or to know, if we did the rejecting, that it affected them. We'd like unfinished business to find some kind of closure. We're still detaching. Does love ever end?

Don't apologize for finding something funny, please, be my guest and laugh.  I bet my in-person delivery of the line would have had you laughing even harder.


What might not occur to you is the mind games they play.  At least with my exBPDgf, no matter how subtle or small a gesture that either meant to harm or antagonize, it was not only done on purpose, but was done so with calculation.  I learned with my ex that she put huge amounts of intent and value behind "small gestures" and would get frustrated or angry if they passed by without their intended instigation from taking root.

To you it was "just a minor message" or "just a friend request" but if it was my ex, behind the "simple" (and it's far from simple) friend request would be the grand mural of impulsive and irrational "intent".

Hanlon's razor states "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." (or incompetence)

With BPD's it tends to be the inverse,  "never attribute to stupidity (accidents) or incompetence/forgetfulness, that which could possibly be born from malice".  I've never known my ex to do anything that harmed me "by accident".

Make no mistake, him trying to contact you was him trying to put you in a position to be able to harm you emotionally so he would himself feel fulfilled in some demented way.  he might not consciously know it, but that's what mine did time and time again.

lipstick,

I have to be honest I am too fragile right now to read your response.

I will say this though.

If you havn't already read and re-read every post by the member 2010.

radical acceptance of the disorder is the only way to let it go, not an easy feat at all.

The key for me was to understand how I identified and why I internalized the projections of my uBPDexgf.  Who she reminded me of in my family of origins. My exs fear of abandonment caused her to project shame onto me.  I kept trying to make thins work. why?  I had to dig deep into the shame, surrender to it. I  intellectually had put the pieces in place but still no revalation no aha moment.  Five days later looking in the place I dare never look, the shame I felt, I had a breakthrough. It was perhaps the most powerful experience of my life, somatically it literally felt like I had broken through.  Only after my breakthrough was I able to come to radical acceptance.

We don't choose where we come from and we are all on different points of our journey.

Please be gentle with yourself. 

Earlier this week I was overwhelmed by the desire to contact my ex. I was so hurt that she didn't care about me, that she was probably with someone else who was filling my role.  Then, yesterday, I got a "hi how are you" text, followed by a "what's up? I know your busy but still" text. Not responding causes guilt and pain. Every potential response that comes to mind causes fear and pain. 2 days ago I was right with you. But the contact is worse.

I understand not hearing from him and seeing all these post from others can make you irritated.  But i wish mine would just stop. Every text, call, conversation or voicemail sets me back and puts so much doubt, guilt and anger in me all at once. I don't know what pain is worse. Having them move on with another or having them hanging around filling your head with crap.  Thanks for sharing

I couldn't agree more.  I am a textbook example.

I had a long ultimately very hurtful experiment with being post-r/s friends with my ex.  It was a more-than-friendship but whenever he needed to get out from under the implications of that, he could invoke "just friends." A perfect BPD arrangement.

Anyway, this was getting super painful and several months ago we had a discussion about it, or rather, I tried to discuss and he got irate and then basically told me to have a nice life.  I was in a catatonic stupor for much of the week or so after, but then made myself function, and tried to focus on the future.  There was nothing else to do.  I'd done my best, I'd said my piece, he'd done what he'd done ... .end of story.  I was more able to pull myself together after the sudden end of contact than I'd been for the year prior, when we were in touch.

I was sad, there was a lot of grief, but I wasn't completely sunk by it and I was able to function fairly well again for four months (something I'd not been able to do the entire time I was in contact with him, when my life-force was being drained by the project of getting things Just Right with him).

I assumed I would never hear from him again.  I started sort of aching about that -- thinking maybe I should connect, being super hurt that he wasn't thinking of me.  BUT it turned out he was.  Like Backnthesaddle said -- just at the point I felt most like what you are feeling, Lipstick.

Out of the blue, after 4 months, he reached out.  It was a seductive but empty communication -- it had the trappings of meaning but when you looked closely, was kind of generic (I learned after our romantic r/s ended that he'd said the super special things he said to me, to many others -- I know most on here will relate).

I sent a warm, personal response that nonetheless did not set us up for any further back and forth, just saying thank you -- no loose ends to tie up.

Well ... .he came back with something more specifically asking to be in touch.  I said essentially no, not if that means going back to how things were.  I haven't heard from him again and he's back with his most recent gf.

For me, contact was certainly worse.  It saddled me with feeling responsible for us being apart; and once he contacted me my focus on the rest of my life (work, kids, other interests) sagged.

When there is contact, and you've decided not to continue this dance, it's as if you are forced to continuously kill something you loved very much and had such hopes for.

I'd say the winner is both at once :)

In my anxiety about whether I did the right thing in saying no to reconnecting, given that I see my ex is seemingly passionately involved with his most recent ex-gf again ... .a real life friend pointed out that a passion that seemingly is bestowed at random on whichever potential partner is the least trouble, the most compliant and raises the fewest objections to being treated as disposable, is not likely to be very real or deep.  For those of you who are struggling with saying no and watching them rapidly plunge into the next great love affair.

i feel exactly the same, Lipstick.

All i want is for her to call me. Just so i know i'm not completly forgotten & i actually meant something to her.

It will never come tho.

Hi Patientandclear,

Thank you for responding to my post. You seem to have quite a bit of insight into how a person w/BPD operates. Your explanations make perfect sense to me.

You mentioned on another thread that folks with BPD tend to take an incredibly long amount of time (months and months) to stabilize after a relationship crumbles. Do you believe this also holds true when they feel rejected? The reason I ask is due to the strong reaction my ex had when I didn't accept his silly "Friend Request" on Facebook this past December. He waited about three days, then - when I wasn't responding - he blocked me, got rid of most of our mutual FB friends, deactivated a second account and went back to giving me the Silent Treatment. He basically threw a "cyber tantrum".   

I know that he is still keeping tabs on me. Probably thru his secondary account. I know he has shown signs of reacting to things I've posted (not directed at him - just stuff he relates to). I'm just curious if they have to kind of "work up the nerve" to reach back out again. Or if we remain "black". I don't think he hates me. But I do believe I'm being "punished" for "rejecting" him. Sheesh.

You mentioned on another thread that folks with BPD tend to take an incredibly long amount of time (months and months) to stabilize after a relationship crumbles. Do you believe this also holds true when they feel rejected?

My experience is a borderline never stabilizes, more like there are just different levels of chaos.  Mine played with several men, in that impulsive, need an attachment, need to soothe emotions way, but still tried to contact me off and on for a year after I left her.  Rejection feels like abandonment to a borderline, the worst thing that could ever happen since it's at the core of the disorder, so there's a major need to soothe, and in my ex's case the impulsivity kicked into high gear.  I badly wanted revenge for all the abuse I tolerated, and learned that the best way to hurt a borderline is abandon them, which is what I did, and I also learned that a borderline will end up respecting the person who bails to protect themselves much more than the wimp who hangs around begging and/or tolerating more abuse and manipulation.  I took great satisfaction in that, on my way to enlightenment and forgiveness... .

As we all know, they try to enlist soothing objects in the times of pain and anxiety. It doesn't have anything to do with actually missing that person. Mine tried to evoke guilt and practically begged for a response, to be honest, it felt out of character not to do it so I caved in.

I remained short and formal with her as if she was just an old work acquaintance. Did not share her enthusiasm about the "reconnection" and skimed over the intimate parts, like "you can't imagine how I missed you". Didn't asked anything about her life either.

I still do not advise anyone to broke NC. It just reassured me that she is still the same person and I don't feel bad about ignoring a "kind" letter.

Although i wasn't the one to leave, statements like this is the only reason i havent tried to reach out.

I took the same approach: I was polite but cursory, didn't inquire about her life, etc.  She pushed me as to why it seemed like I was being "distant," but again I was superficial in my reply.  The truth is I should have established a firm boundary here, made it clear in no uncertain terms that I was not up for further contact, but I knew that would start a whole storm of its own and, in the middle of a stressful day, I didn't have the strength to do it.

My ex and all of our exs have an amazing way of inducing guilt in us.  As soon as I got the "why are you being distant" comment, all the old thoughts started flooding back: I'm a bad person for ignoring this, maybe she's perfectly healthy, maybe this is really all my fault, etc.  When there was no contact, I did experience the yearning discussed in this thread, but I was at least able to see my ex a bit more objectively, and I didn't feel this kind of guilt.

I will just add that these are not people who will just "fade out" of your life, or from whom you can just "grow apart" as is the case in many healthy relationships. You would think in most relationships if people happened to go several months without speaking, everyone involved would understand that the relationship now existed under new terms.  But the borderline will disappear, then come back as if nothing ever happened AND make you feel in the wrong for acting like things are different. 

After all, this is a person who told me to "lose her number" and then the next day yelled at me for not texting all day.  Who has told me several times that she thought we shouldn't speak only to get in touch with me shortly thereafter.  So... .why would I think she would ever just disappear?

From what I've seen with many people here, and have lived through myself, contact is often a way for the pwBPD to set up a no-win situation where no matter which choice you make, to respond or not, makes you out to be the loser. They 'win', but also lose. You end up weak in their eyes for staying in the game, and weak in yours when you find yourself back in that particular world of hurt.

It's a strange mix of feelings when you're longing to hear from someone who has mistreated you so badly you've had to go NC with them. I didn't hear from my ex for over half a year, and then when she did try contacting me, for the first few seconds I was thrilled to know she WAS still thinking of me. I even thought, "Perhaps she's changed". No, it was just the same old game, the difference being I'm not playing it with her anymore. I haven't responded, and she hasn't (yet) tried again. She released some inner pressure and has again moved on. She didn't get what she expected, and has again moved on. Whatever it is she's going through is hers to go through. I'm just hoping she keeps going... .

Being contacted bumped me off my balance, but just a bit, not nearly as much as it would have in the past when I was still so caught up in FOG. Time, distance, and staying focused on the facts, as well as feeling my real feelings, have helped me way more than reengaging with her ever would have.

When pwBPD explain later why they remained "away" for so long -- those who were not in another relationship -- it seems always to be about fear of rejection.  They send out these little tendril overtures which do not clearly state their intentions (when "non" partners write indignantly "if he really wanted me he could just say he was sorry, wants me back etc.," which used to be my view too, what we are missing is how incredibly scary this is for them, to extend themselves only to risk you saying no).  When you don't immediately affirm, yes, that feels like rejection, and it may take a long time for them to try again, if ever.

You also cannot discount the role of dissociation.  Again, when pwBPD who are not in another relationship explain later where they were, I've heard several times this theme of "I don't really know."  It's like time stood still.  There are a few members on the board right now in that situation, where there's been no contact for a really long time (over a year) and it's clear the pwBPD is really really fixated on the ex partner.  But there are few outward signs.  It's not like they are straightforwardly calling up and saying "hey, can we talk, I just can't get over this."

Prolonged staying away can be this dissociative fear-based pain avoidance reaction for them.  Or it can be the ultimate "extinction burst" show of resistance to a boundary (I think that's what's going on in my case). In the end I'm not sure it makes that much difference because if you're not willing to re-approach on different terms, which I am not, the end result is the same: not together, nothing to work with.

If you want to try to reconnect with the pwBPD behaving this way, there are strategies that sometimes work.  Discussing those is triggering for many on this board though so we can do that off line or on Staying -- if you were interested, which it doesn't sound like you are.

This stuff doesn't mean what it would mean in normal life.  I guess that's the key point from all this in response to the feeling behind your opening post.

I understand this. But, us 'nons' have broke no contact months down the line and contacted our 'BPD ex's'  What does that say/mean?

Scary because they know how much damage they did/ how much they hurt us? Yeah, that must be hard to face.

That's why they still have masks on when they pretend to try.


 

You may have done this, but if not, you need to fill your life up with new activities.  Challenge yourself.  You are right, you do NOT want to go back with him.  Sounds like you are feeling a little rejected, but remember, even if he has found someone else, he will treat her exactly as he treated you.  It is not that you weren't good enough, attractive enough, thin enough, smart enough, interesting enough, keep this in mind (VERY important) it is not that YOU were not enough.  No one will ever be enough for him; he has a mental disorder.  He is mentally ill.  People such as him are especially know for one hallmark trait:  difficulty with interpersonal relationships.  He is not normal.  It is easy to lose track of this fact.  Man I was seeing was very accomplished, very talented, but BPD, NOT NORMAL.  I didn't realize it at the time.  Recommend you read books about trauma bonding and why it is so hard to break the bond.  You were walking on eggshells, symptom of relationship with BPD person.  Whether you realized it or not, you were living in fear.  You felt you needed him, only him.  They have the power to do this to you.  Actually, he did you a big favor, showed you who he really is.  Perhaps you will feel less rejected when you realize you dodged a bullet & will thank God it didn't go on any longer.  Keep busy.  Make new friends.  Get involved in a group, something you really believe in, have a passion for.  Hopefully, you will meet a nice, normal person.  But go slow.  I am 17 mos. free of my terribly destructive relationship.  And remember, he will always treat another woman as he treated you.  They are incapable of a normal loving relationship.  Good luck!

You may have done this, but if not, you need to fill your life up with new activities.  Absolutely!  I've been accepting lately that the key to happiness is progress.  When we feel stuck, because we're focusing too much on the past, the way out is to shift that focus, use as much mental discipline as it takes, and focus on the future.  Be honest with ourselves and see things the way they are, but not worse than they are, develop a compelling vision for the future, and move in that direction, even if it's one foot in front of the other initially, movement is the key, progress is the key.  And once we do, our lives will fill up with achievements and the past will fade, although we get to take the lessons with us, and they ultimately create a better future as a result.

I've also learned recently that when we access a memory in our memory banks, it corrupts the memory, changes it, which is why we see times gone by as "the good ol' days".  Our brains are equipped with an amazing defense mechanism that reframes memories from the past in a way that ultimately serves us.  So let's let that happen too, as we move forward... . 

The advice everyone gave me was to fill my life with a bunch of activities.

I think it depends on if you are an extrovert or an introvert.

I am an introvert and jumping into a bunch of activites and meeting a bunch of new people for me would be counterproductive.

being true to yourself is the key here.

get to know yourself better. and be kind and gentle with the needs you know deep down need to be addressed.

the emptiness when the borderline leaves is seemingly endless and can be crippling. 

continued contact with the BPD person seems to make things feel better especially if the contact is good.  The problem is you core issues will still not have been addressed and the BPD person will make you keenly aware of that pushing further and further down that hole until you hit rock bottom.

Yes.  Change and progress are two different things, and change is automatic, progress is not.  Plus, 'activity', filling our lives up with busy work or lots of people, is only a distraction if it doesn't meet our vision for a compelling future.

First, focus shift from the past to the present and the future.  See it how it is, but not worse than it is.  Then, raise your standards and create a compelling future.  Finally, move in that direction, whatever that looks like for you.

Quote: "I badly wanted revenge for all the abuse I tolerated, and learned that the best way to hurt a borderline is abandon them, which is what I did, and I also learned that a borderline will end up respecting the person who bails to protect themselves much more than the wimp who hangs around begging and/or tolerating more abuse and manipulation.  I took great satisfaction in that, on my way to enlightenment and forgiveness... ."

FromHeeltoHeal,

I believe you and I have discussed boundaries in another post of mine. You were very encouraging and told me that I did the right thing by ignoring his Friend Request. At the time - it hurt like hell to do it. I was, at first, very excited to have the contact. But then I began remembering everything that I had been through over the course of the past year. The financial devastation, the pain & confusion of being discarded, receiving ongoing Silent Treatment, watching him go on with his life like I didn't exist - all of that came welling back up and I told myself "No, he needs to provide you with a proper apology or explanation for his actions". Which, of course, I did not get. I got blocked on FB instead.

So looking at that now - I'm proud that I didn't accept the request. I established a boundary and hopefully showed him that I am not a doormat like his spouse. I still care for him. It truly bothers me that he hates me. But I could not allow him to hurt me again. I had worked too hard to rebuild my life and my esteem during that long, painful year. It's weird that he still checks up on me, though. I don't understand what purpose it serves since he obviously wants no communication with me.

Eniale,

Thank you for your response. I absolutely understand the hallmark of the disorder - unstable relationships. And I don't want him back.

One of the things that I struggle with is how I was "painted black" so easily, yet his spouse gets to behave in some of the most horrific ways imaginable, and gets an ongoing free pass. She is also BPD (or a personality disorder of some type).  I'm hated and she can continue being a total nightmare with no consequences.

My life is moving forward in positive ways. His (I believe) will continue on the same hamster-wheel that it's been on for these past many years. He doesn't seem to tire of it. Neither does she. It's just puzzling why he would still want to know what I'm up to since I'm now the Devil !   

Hi lipstick; yes, I remember our conversation, and good for you for being strong.

I think it's to be expected that he checks up on you.  Unfortunately it seems the best way to gain a borderline's respect is by leaving and staying gone, for me it was the first and most important step in taking my power back, and for her it meant she was abandoned, the worst thing that could happen inside that pathology.  So here's someone who can't soothe their own emotions and needs to feel attached to someone to feel whole, so if they've now gained respect for someone they used to have an attachment with, it makes sense that they would go fishing to see if that attachment is still there, any remnants of it, in which case they might end up feeling more whole.  If you opened the door it's not a stretch to imagine him flopping from hate to love in a heartbeat, in that black/white immature way a borderline does, and embark on an idealization phase again, of course as if nothing happened between you previously, and especially fueled by that new-found respect.  Only to repeat... .

Stay strong, and take care of you!

Hi all,

Had to bump this as I **think** I may be receiving contact. Not sure. Wanted opinions.

Let me give some quick background. This month (July) is the two-year anniversary of my ex and I moving in together. He is HUGE on dates. They cause him to "act out" a bit. He's been self-soothing a little on FB. Mostly in reaction to posts of mine. I'm not doing anything intentionally - he is reacting to pictures, etc...   I'm blocked on FB - but he still finds ways to check up on me.

So this week I have been receiving "Restricted" calls to my home number. These calls are coming in late at night - at times that coincide with his schedule. Usually around 11:00pm - before his wife gets home. And this morning - I was awakened at 1:00am.  He keeps late hours and usually goes to bed around 1:00 or 2:00 a.m...

Opinions on whether this is contact from him? Let me add that I NEVER get calls that late and certainly not from "Restricted" numbers. This was happening with my cell phone up until April. Started in December and continued sporadically until April. The calls were in the morning and coincided with his days off / work schedule / my schedule. I never answered them. I answered the one this morning - no one there.

Why do this? Why not just send a FB message or an email? Why call my home number? So puzzling.  All opinions welcome!

Thanks!

Same here. Was getting Restricted calls that I didn't answer because I thought it might be her. They tapered off, and soon after she contacted me in writing. I didn't respond. Nothing since then.

Mine was big on dates too.  After I left her I got a call on the anniversary of the day we met.  Then on the anniversary of the day we got together.  Then on the anniversary of the first great trip we took together.  Then on her birthday, and easy one.  These dates are months apart, I didn't answer or return any of them, and there's no way in hell they were coincidental.

It's amazing what a borderline will do to try and soothe.  I've decided that it really had nothing to do with me, she wasn't in a happy place, memories stormed her brain, she got a 'feeling', tried to reach out to see if an attachment was still there, any attachment, an inkling of the one she worked so hard at and then threw away.  Whatever.  Nothing good could come with any contact, and I haven't gotten any calls in quite a while now, my guess is she gave up and flitted off to something bright and shiny.  Hope that happens for you too lipstick.