BPDFamily.com

I'm several months NC with my ex and found out her mother had sadly passed away some time ago. I'm now more ravaged with guilt than ever and wished I hadn't been told TBH, but I can't change that.

Now that I do know, I'm debating whether to post a simple sympathy card.  Her mom was very good to me and I felt awful blocking her and the rest of her family on social media.

Any other ex I would have done this without a second though - but here I am wanting to do the right thing and having no idea what that is?

Why do you feel guilty?  It might be helpful to review the pros and cons of contacting your ex or her family.  Will it bring on a new round of detaching and wondering?

One option if you are thinking of her mother and know the cause of death or her favorite charity, is to make a memorial donation in her name.  You don't have to share it with the family, but it could be a way to pay your respect. 

I did this about 15 yrs ago with my exuBPD. It did trigger a recycle attempt on her part. She'd send me xmas cards each of the two following years, which I never read and just threw in the trash. If it's over in your head, it's over. If you did care about her mother and you'd like for her to know that, there's nothing wrong or abnormal about sending your sympathies.

The question is, how do you feel about this person (the BPD)? If you feel you're still vulnerable to a recycle attempt, then I would say, ":)on't send anything."

i was in a similar situation with my ex. Her mom died a little over two months after we broke up. However she called me and everyone in my family. I offered my sympathy but it turned into arguing after just a few minutes of talking and i had to hang up on her.

If i were you i wouldnt call or text her. BPDs love to abuse people emotionally under the guise of sympathy. She'll use this situation to take an emotional dump on you. It's the perfect situation for her, she can abuse you and you're not allowed to stick up for yourself because she's the one who is hurting. She projected abandonment on me both times i talked to her after her mother died. Neither situations I initiated, it left me feeling like crap. I wish I had never answered her call when she reached out to tell me.

As others replied.
Sending a card to ex could be a trigger.
Could be a green card to contact you.
Could cause you an emotional set back.

However I also understand that you valued contact with family of ex and in fact ended contact due to breaking up as a way to protect yourself.
So besides reluctance of the possible outcome (which is of course yours to decide) I see a person with values and empathy who wants to show sympathy for the great loss others experienced.

And with that is nothing wrong on the contrary.

A suggestion might be to sent a card to ‘the family’, not to ex, not to a specific person

I like the anonymous donation idea stated earlier.  Maybe a prayer for her?

Any feeling you have for her mother are between you and her mother's spirit, so talk to the spirit, you don't need to publicize this all it does is validate you and trigger her.