BPDFamily.com

Hello,

My 36 year old son lives with me and has BPD. He attended a program for 1 year to help him understand himself and learn coping skills. I also attended a parent support group to understand coping skills for myself.
I've done everything I can for him including leasing a giant Dodge Ram truck so he could start a contracting business. He's done some good work but mostly waits for it to come to him. He hasn't needed the truck on a consistent basis and the lease is up so it's going back. He has paid for half of the lease but the cost of gas for me to go to work has been a lot. We share vehicles between the truck and his old car, depending on whether he is working. He's agitated that the truck is going back and says he knows he had time to try and make money to keep it but on the other hand he blames me that he is now unable to work - even though he can rent something if needed. He spends all his time playing online games. He has friends on line but none in person. He only has his brother to hang with occasionally. He gets agitated with people and then they distance themselves. Even though I am so good to him - cook him great dinners every night, he is still very verbally abusive. I'm supposed to guess when he's hungry or what he feels like eating. I am so exhausted. He leaves things laying around on purpose to make me mad. Accuses me of never doing his laundry if there is a few things dirty. He leaves his clothes all over the place and I'm supposed to guess what needs washing. Last night after I made a nice dinner and he made a rude comment, I was shaking and stomped off to my bedroom and had to take an anxiety pill. It's not healthy for me at 62 to be taking these to help calm down or sleep. I wouldn't need it if it wasn't for him unnecessarily putting me down for no reason. I'm paying for him to build a kitchen in the basement so he doesn't need to come upstairs. Trying to discuss what kind of materials to get is so stressful. If I suggest something - I'm an idiot !  Although I'm not. I am a business professional, don't drink or smoke, and have a daughter who is opposite of him and says that I haven't done anything wrong. Just don't know what to do. I tell myself every day to stop reacting or getting upset, and then I lose my cool and react to him. I want to know how to stop reacting!! I think that's the main thing for me. I don't want to make anything worse and trigger cutting.  Thanks for listening.

Hi Mon and *welcome*

We're glad you found us, as relating to adult children with BPD goes beyond normal "parent-adult child" relational conflicts.

How old was your S36 when he was diagnosed? Does he seem to accept his diagnosis (keep up with therapy, try tools and skills), or does he minimize it/say it wasn't true/deny it?

Good to hear you attended a parent support group. What kinds of things were helpful to you, in that group?

Something that gets talked about here is that we can't really help others until we take care of ourselves first. It's just like that safety talk on airplanes: first, put on your own oxygen mask, so you can breathe. Only then turn to others to help them.

To me, it sounds like you're trying over and over to put your son's oxygen mask on him, without having put on your own first. Does that ring true?

I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on our article on Supporting a Child in Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy) -- it goes on to discuss the very important topic of "How Do We Set And Enforce Rules?", and I wonder if having some more defined roles and tasks in the home -- some more defined rules -- might change the dynamic?

Looking forward to hearing more from you;

kells76

Hi Mon,

The only thing I can say is that I have a good friend whose son with mental illness (*36) lives with her in a very small duplex and they mostly communicate with each other via text messages and for her this keeps some peace.
When I visit, he is usually in his room most of the time, she carries on with things in her own life, the only times she has had to not do as much is when he has a psychotic episode.

You might want to ask him about texting and be sure and do your own things when he’s stable.

Hi Mon,

For me having very strong boundaries proved to be a great success with my udd when she lived at home. I would give her a warning first like "if you continue to speak to me like that I will leave the room or if it was a phone call "If you continue to shout at me i will hang up". The thing is that you must follow through with it. Theres nothing wrong with going off to your room but give him a warning first. That way it gives him a chance to change his behaviour.
Another great one with udd was to become "a grey rock" I think they call" it. Its when you become a boring listener. You dont respond to their agitation or aggression and act as if nothing phases you and literally become a stone or rock.My udd hated when I did any of these but it was to protect myself from her being able to engage in further abuse towards me.
Also watch your non verbal body language too. My udd is a great mimic. She could always pick up on the most subtle of facial  expressions tone of voice  that I often would miss. She was bullied at school when she was very young and then she  reinvented herself and became the bully at her new school and had some kids in real fear of her She could pick  out the weaker kids just by seeing how they behaved ,yet if you met  her then you would have thought that she was one of the sweetest girl you had ever met. :hug: