BPDFamily.com

*mod*  This post was split off from another thread as it merits its own discussion

My crabby, moody wife was at it again tonight. She was complaining about having to cook, having to study, and having to work. As for the cooking, I again offered to buy meals from outside to make her job easier. As for the studying, that's what she wants to do. As for the working she does, she is really dissatisfied with it.

To give her her own space on her days off like today, I get ready and leave, spending outside tutoring and going to a movie, because she prefers to be by herself on her days off.

To top it all off, I have had some ER visits the last five years more or less. My doctor referred me to go to the ER, and I was hospitalized up to five days. Mind you, I don't like going to the doctors, but I will if there is something out of sync, such as signs of a heart attack. Luckily, it has been a question of a change in the meds.

Frankly, when she talks like that, it makes me second guess my need to see my doctor when I feel there is a true need. Yet, I know otherwise, although I get a lot of negative talk from her afterward.

So, tonight, she said I have abused the system by going to the ER. Due to her being in a crabby mood again, I just let her talk, because for me to say anything to give my side of the story, she will then label me as being defensive, and she will continue being crabby for several days.

While I know this to be her routine and while I do my best to let it go, the remnants of her negative talk lingers. So, what do you folks do when such negative talk comes your way? What do you say? What do you do?

Amongst of all of the moodiness that my wife exhibits, she has demonstrated that she seems to care about my health. I am 17 years older than she is. Also, a high school friend of mine for the last 60 years has now caregivers which is costing him an arm and a leg. So, my wife knows about him, and she mentioned to me that she wants to keep me healthy so that our emergency funds are used for my care, if and when I need to have care like my friend. So, while she wants to keep me healthy with the food that she prepares for which I daily thank her, she doesn't want me to spend that money if at all possible, and she admitted she wouldn't be able to carry or lift me.

So, while I appreciate all the food preparation she does, there's still a part of me that doesn't truly trust her due to my past with her. She has apologized once for her actions. Sure, you can say actions speak louder than words. Sure, she seems to be better. Yet, I have some doubt, too. She senses that and has said that her mother physically abused her. Now, her mother is making up for it by preparing food for her and for me. So, my wife is doing the same thing with me.

Again, I have PTSD. I am confused by what seems to be continuous need to care. I have trust issues with her. I am angry for what she has said to me previously over the last 10 years or more. She also has not apologized to my daughter and her husband for the manipulation she has done. Meantime, my wife is happier with herself, and it seems that she expects me to cleanse myself of the hurt that she created.

Every day, she is working, studying, cooking, or going to school. As for dates, we probably have gone out by ourselves a total of 5 or 6 times in the last 5 or 6 years.

Trobert,

There's a lot to be said for sitting back and observing, going with the flow and trying to avoid judgement. As you likely know, things ebb and flow and go in cycles, this current caring cycle may last and being appreciative for it whilst it lasts is a good thing. Maybe when you sit back and observe a little bit and get yourself free from the weeds of PTSD (and irrational need for your body to react to a perceived rather than real threat), you might be able to look through some of these behaviours and maybe see where they come from... is it a trickle down effect from her Mum being nice to her so in kind she is being nice to you. Is it that she realises that you are a support system for her and therefore she needs to keep you healthy to avoid losing you (that's less about you and more about here btw), is it that she has turned a corner and is looking to make a mends without going through the agony of making herself accountable... who knows.

Try to dial back the need to extrapolate forward what this might mean for the future... "she's being nice to me now so that means ______ for the future". It is what it is now and if it's good, make the most of it. It's probably better to try and see if you can find a reason behind the behaviour.

Enabler