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     I have been dealing with my own issues as our marriage has been disolving and have her still trying to recycle me at the same time. My soon exwife lives out of state but came home for a long Christmas break and did nothing but cry, blame me, blame the kids,and walk around angry because we would not give in. The hard part is how much fun she can be when she is getting her way. I still love her but when I came home from dropping her at the airport I felt like an excorcist had been to my home and cleared out the demons. This relief makes me feel very guilty. I wonder if the problem is in my head. Thus the title of this thread. Am I dealing with my lost love who is out there waiting to be rescued as she claims. Am I dealing with a ghost because the woman I loved is dead. Or am I dealing with a fantasy that never was real and when I woke up found out it was a nightmare. I am done with her and it hurts bad after 16 years but i cannot shake the fog and need to know if this is a common feeling.

Yes, I believe it is.  I still love my ex.  That just sounds crazy,  I still love someone that was cruel and abusive.  What the?  I think it tends towards the inability to see someone in black and white as they tend to see us.  They either LOVE or HATE us.  I tend to love regardless.  I wish I could flip that off like a light switch as my ex tends to do.  I think it goes back to my parenting, my mom did some real bad things but she also did some nice loving things so I tend to forgive and love her.  My dad though, never did anything kind, it is so hard to love him even the tiniest bit.  Argh.

Hey Lost,

I can feel your hurt and pain through the screen and my heart really goes out to you.

I can validate your feelings of loss, sadness and grief. I've been there in making the difficult transition to accepting that my ex and I were no longer a good fit for each other. Yes they are very fun to be around but the price is the stripping of yourself to keep them happy. Pretty soon your buck naked from giving them all that you've got.  lol The relationship dynamic with a BPD is almost always parasitical in nature. Unfortunately when they are happy they are getting their needs met at the expense of yours.

Are you in T?

It sounds like you are in crisis mode and would really benefit from the help of a professional. The risk of depression or PSTD seems to be pretty high here. Sixteen years is a pretty long investment. You have a lot of memories but you can heal and grow from this. Its ok to love someone and not have them in your life. Keep posting on here and expressing your feelings. We are here to validate. It's good to get the junk out of your system. In the meantime read the article on Leaving a person with BPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

The articles are invaluable in helping you to slowly detach from the relationship. Take everything one hour and one day at a time.

Spell

The relief you felt was you experiencing seeing through the fog. It seemed strange because it's new to you. Patterns are changing. The stuff you're going through is very common. You're not alone in what you're feeling. Many here are right there with you.

If she's waiting to be rescued, she could better use her time helping heal herself. I understand what you're saying but, she's not 'dead' she's disordered. You're seeing beneath her masks. Seeing yourself more, too. Which lead to you not being able to stay with her. I felt guilty, too, ending things between my ex and I. But there was nothing else that I could do to help us stay together. I still love her, and always will. Facing that the person closest to me, who I felt to spend the rest of my life with, was also hurting me so deeply, opened my eyes so much they could never close that way again.

I feel for her, and what she's going through, too, but the focus has to be on ourselves to best get through anything in life, falling-apart relationships included. Sorry for what you're going through. Read, post and reach out here, as often as you need, this is a very healing place and will help you as you continue with your detaching.

after 4 years and now going through a divorce where my uBPD/NPD HUSBAND is not telling the whole truth, so he won't have to help me get back on my feet (after he threw me out) I feel very stupid in saying I still love my HUSBAND too. It begs understanding!

I miss the old H. But I can live and carry on without the person he morphed into over the 4 years. He was damaging, self absorbed and blind to anyone's needs but his own. That makes a relationship with him impossible.

I urged him in a moment of clarity to get help for himself-as I was not the one raging and threatening divorce and threatening to kill myself if things didn't go MY way. He did all that. And worse.

He said calmly OK, I will. And then didn't. Things got worse... .  in days.

I left, he filed for divorce in 3 days and sold his house less than a week later.

It was stunningly fast and premeditated.

It was a catastrophic blow to my life, as I knew it. Everything I thought I was, went under.

But I was able to scramble my way through it. I cried, a lot. I was angry. Scared. Hurt.

Then I was relieved. Felt lighter. Stayed afloat. Cried less. And less. Missed him less.

Made some tough decisions. Got a  lawyer.

Felt room to breathe... .  

I feel better NOW than I have at almost any time I was with him

There's hope. It takes time.

GL