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I feel like two different people living separate lives.

One version is stuck in silent hill hell version the other is doing just fine.

At first I just used to think oh if she were here now this is how my happy life would be continued, and then I snap back to reality.

The break up never seemed real to me, like a dream, or nightmare I'm still waiting to wake up from.

Some days I'm in this twisted hell of a world where everything is horrible, other days the real me will reemerge to quickly burn out and fall back to the underworld.

It's like she just went on vacation and she will be back to rescue me from the monsters.

I can clearly sit here now and see two separate worlds and lives: the fantasy vs the reality.

Reality is a hard pill to swallow. I must've swallowed the red pill and woke up from the matrix.

I know I've said things like surely this is not my world. The fantasy is forever ruined.

I think there is a movie called momento that is something like living backwards vs forwards.

Also the butterfly effect is kind of similar.

Does anyone else experience this duality, and how do you deal with it?

I sometimes feel like the relationship was a dream. The way she entered my life so quickly, and left it just as quick.

I wish there was a pill for, you remember everything. But the pain and the broken heart/heart ache just goes

Still waiting for my last push.

Hi afterdeath. You know some people believe that after death is eternal life. Hang in there.  :) A few months after I separated from xBPDh I wrote in my journal. " i am split in two. Head is doing OK, getting my work done, paying my bills, looking after the stuff of life. Heart is broken and needs to be healed." For me what has been important is doing the healing while being on my own, not looking to another relationship to fix me. It was a pretty deep and dark hole at first. I just let myself be in that place for awhile, feeling the rawness and emptiness of where I found myself.

I have experienced what you are feeling.

I think it is a fairly normal response to trama. The mind finds ways of processing the sharp edges of painfull realities by greying them/shifting them and eventually integrating them.

Dreams also work to soften the blows of conscious reality.

Yep. I never thought I'd settle down, get engaged or whatever.

Love was for other people.

And then it happened for me, at the ripe old age of 32... .  wow!

She sold me the dream. And I bought it.

It was only a year but feels like she was in my life for so much longer.

Some days I don't feel it's all real, it's like, she's still mine, and is just away.  But she'll be back soon, cos what we had was so real, right? How can it have all ended?

Other days I try to go back to how I was a year ago, as if I'd never met her and had this amazing year with her... .  but it's so hard cos it's all changed me as a person. It's confusing.

You asked what helps - for me, it's spending time with friends she never met, old friends I had before I was with her.  Doing little things I used to do before we met (e.g. reading magazines - I never had time for that when with her, as we were together 24/7 when not at work).

Day at a time. xxx

I don't consider it purely duality. I consider it evolvement. As in 1 personality which goes from high to low, and eventually will collide with you.

And yeah, considering all was a dream is not a bad idea. You suddenly wake up and wish you can get pulled back into it, but then you wake up and you realize you have to continue ...