BPDFamily.com

The one in my life has separate lives and I am trying to come to grips with being shut out.  Why do they do this? 

Dear deux soeurs:

Unfortunately it appears they do as part of the disease, whether to hide from the shame, to keep from facing anything hurtful to them, even the things which are good for them. The compartmentalization is a defense mechanism that keeps them from having to deal with their inconsistencies of behavior. Their world would collapse if they attempted to integrate these behaviors from their professed beliefs, etc. So it sucks to deal with, but yes, expect it as a recurring means of defense by your BPD.

Because they fear abandonment. So they must manage and control their environment. Which implies lies etc. This results in having to split everything up so the lies cannot be figured out. Also, going to a friend and saying "my bf is abusing me" (when its the other way around) is a sure way to prevent that friend from abandoning you, by putting guilt on him or her.

Thank you LonelyChild and Holdfast for your replies.  This has been the biggest problem for me and he keeps asking for more time.  I finally said no... .enough.  Now I have promises that I don't think he can keep as he tried once before.  This disease is so complex and I know I have to leave but it is so hard.

Mine would compartmentalizes his roles in life.  He could not be both a dad and a partner.  He did better to just have one on one time with us alone.  Whenever he tried to hang out with us both, he ended up acting like he was cheating on his D, or he would make it competitive in some way.  He acted like he felt guilty for liking me and having fun with me.  He also has a "self" relationship role where he went off to be alone.  He acted like I couldn't exist when he was in this role.  This is when he ignored my txts.  I wouldn't have minded so much, as we all need some time to ourselves, but I would usually announce, "I'm taking ME time for 4 hours, see ya for dinner." However, he would simply act like he dropped off the face of the earth without warning.  Often I was worried he was hurt or something, till I realized the pattern.

Stupidly, or rather ignorantly, as I had never heard of BPD until last November, I was impressed that my ex "compartmentalized" her life. We were together 9.5 yrs, knew each other for 10. She is also a therapist. When we first met she was the one who told me she did this. Supposedly it kept her work from interfering with her exH and kids, which kept her immediate family from interfering with her FOO, which ultimately led to me being compartmentalized from all of those things. And it also kept her private life from her fitness self, I mean, I could go on at how she had everything in a neat little package. Well, maybe not so "neat" after all.

Idiotically, I thought it helped her to stay focused on all the different things she involved herself with. But honestly, she didn't really do that good a job of it. In the end her mother ended influencing so many things in her life I cant begin to count. Wherever my UBPDexgf's stemmed from, it's clear it's roots are somehow with her mother.

This reminds me of one of the things that attracted me to my uBPDex.  I was so impressed that he never said anything bad about his crazy/volatile uBPDxw.  I thought he was so well put together and so evolved that he processed his divorce to her and truly had no ill feelings to her.  (Just a month out of divorce) I thought he was superior in a way!  Looking back, I now see the reason he had no ill feelings, he was so emotionally cut off from himself that he had no idea to be angry at her.  He didn't process ANY of it!  He SHOULD have been angry, that would have been healthier!  He was so NOT evolved that he has no idea how to properly be angry and when to be angry.  He repressed it ALL and threw it at me the next year! (Still he is unaware he did this)  When your uBPDxw is abusive, abuses your D and you carry on like she is reasonable, and you can't recognize it... .ugh!  Let's just say, that did NOT go well in our future.  He opened us up to her abuse, completely naive. He expected me to just be open to her manipulation so as well, as if it was all ok!

One thing is for sure, my uBPDexgf was very clear that she hated her exH. It actually worsened over the 10 years they were divorced and we were together. Frankly, I didn't know such a thing was possible. I can say with certainty she wasn't still in love with him. She was never in love with him. She only married him because she said it was what she was supposed to do, and told me on more than one occasion if they had stayed married, she would be in jail and he would be dead. So she had a quintuplet dose of hatred for him and if she had held THAT in the top of her head would have blown off!

Oh gosh shadow, I'm not implying that extreme hatred is healthy.  I don't think you are saying that either anyway.  But I think I have learned what I never knew: a person can be so disconnected to their feelings that they have no idea of any feeling but "ok" and "happy."  On the surface, they seem perfect.  In reality, in order for us to process and cope with our emotions, we have to first know they exist.

I wasn't saying that. I was just pointing out that my ex had the exact opposite of your partner! I think my ex knows about feelings and even expressing them. BUT she mostly gets bogged down in frustration. I feel sure that whomever she ends up with even if she gets a white house with a picket fence she will not be happy. Happy is really only a word to her. As an emotion it's fleeting.

Mine would compartmentalizes his roles in life.  He could not be both a dad and a partner.  He did better to just have one on one time with us alone.  Whenever he tried to hang out with us both, he ended up acting like he was cheating on his D, or he would make it competitive in some way.  He acted like he felt guilty for liking me and having fun with me.

Sunflower, I can so relate to this.  At first I loved the feeling of having his total focus on me when we were together.  Unfortunately it turned out that he could only focus on one aspect of his life at a time.  The result was being cut out of his "other" life.  I didn't realize how abusive it was until I started researching BPD.  My sister has "extreme" BPD/NPD so I guess I am "used" to this kind of behavior.

Sunfl0wer and Shadow,

"Happy is really only a word to her. As an emotion it's fleeting."

In my very humble opinion, this is why their actions and words very seldom ever are representative of one another: one is an imitation.


deux soeurs,

They compartmentalize people so easily because they have the ability to objectify people so easily. Painting people black or white is another example of objectification. This unique quality is not really an admirable quality in a SO as we all came to discover.

I agree with Heldfast's explanation and this seems consistent with what I read in the forum as well.

For example, each time they move on quickly from an old to a new relationship, they usually cut you off (at least initially) toghether with the common friends you shared (e.g., they will defriend/block you and your friends in FB, Whatsapp, silent treatment and so on).

At the same time, they will start a new cycle from scratch making up a whole new set of common friends shared with the new replacement.

In other words, they tend to compartmentalize between the "old" lives and the "new" life.

However unresolved problems will still remain in their minds, so it is (usually) impossible for them to completely compartmentalize different chapters of their lives.

From here I suppose come the phenomena of "grieving in reverse" and the recycle/re-engagement attempts we read often here.

Shadow,

Yea, I guess they are on different areas of a continuum.  Mine, not even aware that he had feelings that were existing and living in him and seeping out.  Yours being aware of them just not being skilled with them as much.


Yes, the commonality is that. Actions that do not match words.  How confusing!

Where you both competing for his priority attention?

That's the wierd thing Skip.  Not at all!  It was all in his head.

For example, our first valentines day, he went and got me like 6 gifts that I thought were sweet and thoughtful.  That weekend when I got to his house, there were duplicates of what I had.  I was at first confused, like some creepy movie.  Then I realized he just got D a copy of everything he got me! (Or the other way around) 

He did weird things like that.  I seriously think he kept an ongoing tally in his own head divvying up time and stuff to make sure I never got more than D by accident.

D and I got along great and when he saw this happening, he would storm off like a left out child.  He just couldn't handle us together.  He didn't want her to have a "special" relationship with anyone but him.  (um maybe he is not a good example for this as I believe his r/s with D was emotional incest)

He really just wanted to take credit for everything and everyone's happiness.  So if D was getting along with me, it was because he provided her a good step mom.  And if I was appreciating D, well, he made her.

He just couldn't handle family game nights, usually ended in him having a tantrum and me playing with the kids alone. The only time he could, was if he somehow monopolized it to an all eyes on him event that gave him big accolades.

He just did better with a dynamic that is one-one within the family.  Now if he is at a party, he is fine.  This is just in the house.  I think it stemmed from his competition with his uBPD exw competing over who can get D to love them the most and give more narcissistic supply.   A game they have been playing 14 years now.  I'm sorry but that is NOT a game I play on family game nights, or any night for that matter!

My BPD exwife totally panicked if I showed up unexpectedly. I always thought this was very strange and disturbing, but now it starts to make a bit more sense.

If we went together downtown she didn't have problem. But if I ran into her downtown it was as if she had run into an unpleasant acquaintance she'd rather not talk to. If she was with friends she'd give me a look like "Sorry, can't talk now".

It was very important for her not to let me meet her friends (who were more like acquaintances anyway) or any of the people she worked with, even though she'd talk to me a lot about them.

Of course this got worse by the odd behavior she would display when I brought her along to see my friends. Towards the end I really didn't want her to meet my friends either, even though I didn't think that was the way things should be.