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Title: Tired of walking on eggshells Post by: Mustbeabetterway on March 29, 2015, 09:28:26 AM Lately, I Have had some success at curbing my codepent reactions. I have been feeling more relaxed and not so anxious about doing everything right. Just trying to take care of myself and my own issues.
My uBPDh and I were having a surprisingly open conversation about his father who passed away 4 years ago. FIL was definitely BPD/npd. Very difficult to get along with. In my husband's FOO lots of WOE, push and pull and crazy making stuff. I have been in the family for decades. I was close to my FIL and took him to doctor's appts. Sat with him while he was ill and he lived with us for a short time. The conversation and reminiscing was so open, I let my guard down and said truthfully, you know your dad brings up mixed feelings for me. This was about 10 minutes into the conversation, not the first thing I said. Well my H just went off and said I was disrespectful, etc, etc, then for 4 days now every time he gets a chance, he works "have mixed feelings" into the conversation. Like "oh, so you have mixed feelings about that?" And so on. So tired of WOE. Title: Re: Tired of walking on eggshells Post by: believer55 on March 29, 2015, 07:39:25 PM It can be very exhausting. Especially when you are not allowed to bring up anything they may have said or done in the past but they will keep repeating a phrase you used, like in your case, and rubbing it in your face even though you meant no ill by it.
It can be so hard trying to convey your emotions if they have any negative connotation to someone with BPD - they just can not handle it. Best of luck :) Title: Re: Tired of walking on eggshells Post by: waverider on March 30, 2015, 06:16:23 AM He is doing it deliberately to annoy you. If you have told him that it is disrespectful and annoying, then you will have to decide whether its worth a boundary or not. The only reason you need is that it is a deliberate action that makes you feel bad =emotional abuse.
Do not have mixed feelings about this, either ignore it and let it wash or remove yourself from it. Things wont change until you make a change. If he can get away with this example, then there will be other issues of the same ilk. You need to demonstrate that you have the capability to not allow yourself to be exposed to it. Title: Re: Tired of walking on eggshells Post by: an0ught on April 05, 2015, 01:09:49 PM Excerpt Like "oh, so you have mixed feelings about that?" And so on. Looks like he is looking for a fight. Don't JADE, don't pick up the gauntlet! Do not beat yourself up for being open and taking a risk you did nothing wrong. Just because he is now using "mixed feelings" as club to beat you over the head. It is just his newest tool and luckily it is nothing very personal. Having mixed feelings about some things is normal but is a concept that is very hard to swallow for a pwBPD who strongly prefers a more clearer black and white view of life. Mixed feelings is dialectic and an important stepping stone to feel comfortable with Grey. We love our partners a lot and we dislike quite a bit about their behavior and we are ok with that. Well, our partners struggle with such realities a lot. Him using "mixed feeling" in inappropriate ways to hurt you is also a sign of immaturity (surprise) as is might well be insecurity of how to relate to the concept. It might be worth for you at times to take more dialectical positions (avoid the term "mixed feelings as it is for the time being tainted) as he ultimately needs to become more comfortable with the concept. |