BPDFamily.com

Our BPD daughter (23) is on appropriate meds and receiving therapy. We discovered she has been doing work that conflicts with our values and is not healthy for her. We have given her the choice of continuing and moving out or staying and receiving basic support from us until she finds another job. The discussion did not go well... .her financial demands are excessive and she made it clear that all she wants from us is money. We ended the discussion as it wasn't going anywhere.

What do we do now? Do we attempt to have the conversation again or do we simply withdraw the offer and ask her to move out. We are exhausted, depressed and demoralised... .

Hi there Hope4

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation with your daughter and the conversation did not go well. I applaud you living your values with conviction, setting the boundary what is acceptable to you. Withdrawing the offer may be seen as reacting, it's best not to be in reactive mode. Perhaps your daughter may benefit from a bit of space, few days to think through what this means. Personally my approach would be to have the same conversation again (demonstrating care and consistency) to see if she's made a choice between the two options available to her. I hope that helps you.

Do let us know how you get on.

WDx

Hello Hope4

I’m glad to hear that your daughter is on meds and receiving therapy too, you must be very proud of her that she is taking these steps.

I am sorry to hear that your discussion with her about her current line of work didn’t go too well. I would give her time to think about what you have discussed with her. Maybe she will approach you about it once she’s ready, but if not then I think you will have to raise the subject again.

I am sorry that the discussion with your daughter did not go well. You are so tired of all the bad behavior, and do not see any relief in sight. You love and care about your daughter, so all of this is very heartbreaking for you. You asked "what to do now"? Does she have a therapist? Do you have any interest in doing family therapy? It is hard to have this type of discussion when there is so much at stake, and a professional who is used to dealing with these types of situations might make it easier for your to reach an agreement that everyone can live with. Let us know how you are doing, and how we can help.

Hi and welcome! I'm going to take a different view... .

So your daughter is "doing work that conflicts with our values and is not healthy for her. ".

Firstly, I think it's great she's working. So many BPDs do not. She is trying to be financially independent - even in a way you disagree with. It is something good.

Secondly, her work violates YOUR values, but not hers. I get that she is your daughter, but there comes a time when you need to allow your children to make their own decisions. Radical Acceptance is loving someone, supporting them, even if they make decisions that YOU disagree with. Imposing YOUR values on her is not acecpting her as an individual who can and should make her own choices (for better or worse).

Thirdly, is her working in a "non-healthy" job better or worse than her moving out and losing you as her support? If you force her to choose, and she moves out, what impact does that have on her, and you?

I cannot understand what you must feel. But I have talked with many parents of BPDs who agonise over their children's lifes choices. I understand that letting go and allowing them to make their own choices and make their own mistakes requires a lot from you. But I know it is required. Just very hard to balance with "but they're my child and I want the best for them"... .

Thanks for the support. We are going to talk again in a few days time. We are trying to help her think about the long term implications of her decisions.

Hi Hope4,

       I too have a different view like ArleighBurke. I've always been and continue to be BIG on letting my BPDD make her own choices. And yes I certainly know where most of them are going to end -- disaster. I do my best to facilitate her thinking through things and we do look at all kinds of "what if's". In the end it is still her decision to make. Like you I also give up front choices, if you choose to do that, this will be what happens with me at home. I call those consequences. I would ask is the work she is doing coming home with her in any way? Does it have an effect on you(other then knowing it's not what you want)?
       I must say in support of you, that I too have values. I let my child know that up front all the time. My daughter doesn't work, never has. But when you talk about your daughter doing something unhealthy I can relate to that. For many years my daughter would bring home any stranger she found. Yikes, unhealthy for her and me. It has taken us many years to work through that. Your use of the word unhealthy and work brings to my mind some kind of work industry outside the norm.
       I certainly feel for you, it's always a struggle to help our kids be independent. Having that financial string really complicates things. My daughter absolutely demands money, all the time. That too has taken us lots of work to come to terms with.
      I hope the best for you, going back for another talk can't hurt. Let us know how things are working for you.