BPDFamily.com

I am not sure of weather this is a BPD topic or if this is specific to my BPD partner.

Our common flat looks very messy and untidy. My boyfriend leaves lying his stuff around everywere. Most of it is just junk in my eyes, but for him it's treasures (as dvds from the 90s, old cloth he is planning to repair for years, stones he collected at beaches, plants in bad shape, old electronic devices, old newspapers he's willing to read, a collection of chairs that do not fit together, and some other childhood keepsakes). Sometimes, I feel ashamed when people are coming to visit us.

The problem is he's not into cupboards or closets. Everyone of his "treasures" needs to be visible. At the most I can convince him to by a shelf sometimes (we pay together, but it's for his belongings). But it's not enough, as all of the surfaces are still full of stuff. He's even occupied my commode (in a weak moment I allowed it to him hoping that there would be more room in our flat as a result and now I can't get his things out there again, because there is no place to put it).

Do you have similair problems? And how do you deal with it?

Do you think it's about not being tidy? (laziness) Or about wanting his way? (control) Or about wanting objects to reflect back to him bits and pieces of who he is? (emptiness/abandonment).

Solutions might be different depending on what seems to be driving his behavior.

H's mother is a hoarder, and needing to see objects to verify they still exist is a big part of that.

He fights it himself, and I moved so much as a kid I have my little stashes of items, but they are small and kept in drawers.  Usually with him, I have areas where I pretty much dump his stuff when ppl come over to let him deal with it, or I've tried to be clever about storage options and getting him sued to the idea "playing cards are in this neat cabinet in the dining room, electronics go on this storage dock, isn't it neat how things fit?"

Also, some people simply have different tolerances for messes than others - this is true in every couple I meet.  One is tidier.  Over the past 20 years, I have determined what matters to me, what can be left out, and what can be out unless company is coming and needs to be dumped behind a closed door.  Dishes - he;s fine washing one as needed.  I hate that, and for MY well-being, like them washed and put away.  So I deal with that as MY quirk and don't begrudge doing dishes to satisfy my own need for tidy.  AND, it's a rationalization, but helped me:  If I lived alone, I' still do all the chores I do now.  Dishes, laundry (H does his own, mostly), grocery shopping, pet care (he sporadically helps), yard work, trash.  So him being there is not an excuse for me to feel I am off the hook for chores.  Sure, it'd be great if he helped more.  But honestly, as the one who cares more about the house being clean, I accept the responsibility for doing it.  And lately, he HAS tried to help, sadly, much like with a child helping, it often throws me off stride as I have to help him help me, but I try to appreciate the effort. 

Anyway, if it makes you feel bad and it's your house, too, you can approach him about some ideas as to what can be in "public spaces" and waht needs to stay in the bedroom.  If he's got some hoarding issues, this will be a little tough - they mark their life and comfort by the stuff they can see.  It's a 3-D memory sorting system.  H's mom can't handle moving things on her.  If we need to make space for guests at her house, I try to put everything back where she had it (got in trouble for throwing things away)

Just remember this is a continuing process, couples without BPD in their lives still have these issues, and even if you get things straight one, day, they will need it again, and the discussion will need to be a continual thing.

Clearing stuff out means taking responsibility for making decisions.  Often people simply put decisions off until "tommorrow" as it compounds the decisions get bigger and overwhelming so they just become blind to them.

Our house in many areas is just a dump, I look after my ares and just ignor ethe rest

I spend a few days thinking about this. I'm pretty sure now that his motivation is emptiness. He always has a hard time in accepting when something breaks; he even cried about his old fridge when it stopped working and told me he had never validated it as much as he should have... .

I learned a bit on hoarding these last days and found my boyfriend in these descriptions ... .luckily seems to be a very mild form, certeinly subclinical as his BPD traits.

As I see that some others have to deal with the same problem, I want to write down some tipps for loved ones of hoarders, that I learned about:

I found out its useless to push for throwing things away, as this will increase the emotional bond with these objects. One rather needs to validate these treasures as something personal and help to put them in the right/worthy place ... .I mean a place where it's meant to be, not on a chair or on top of some furniture. So one can help the loved one to develop some organizing skills.
I've got some ideas for supporting him to organize his stuff (ideas he had himself but didn't manage to implement by now). I see how it would improve our flat - it's worse that simply throwing away, but better than the status quo. So I will let him know that I support his ideas and that I am there to help. Let's see how this works on the long run.

Another strategy is to indicate to dust and cleaning issues that come with having to much stuff lying around. As my boyfriend is allergic to dust and fears that our soon to be born child will be, too, that might work well on him. I will try this, too. Maybe this motivates him to put some things into a cupboard.

Furthermore one needs to care a lot about one's own room. Having boundaries here is essential. For a few weeks now I don't expect him to clean up things he left on my desk or on my furniture, for example. I just put it on his desk and let him deal with it. It worked. Common space like the kitchen table is more complex, but seems it's getting better by lovingly reminding to put his things away after using.

Ok, and last thing I learned it NOT to get additional storage. No rented store room, nor a garage, nor even cupboards or closets for their stuff if they don't want it. That doesn't solve the problem but only delays it. The psychological strain to change something is lowered. New stuff will be lying around as a consequence.

If he suffered a significant loss at some point in his early years and grief is unresolved, it makes sense that objects are a proxy for this grief. Unresolved grief over loss is, I believe, the root of BPD in my family, handed down through generations, mixed with genetic sensitivities since it seems there is roughly one family member per generation who exhibits traits.

Treating the objects with care is perhaps similar to somatic distress, in that the feelings associated with the "thing" become an externalized way to self-soothe, almost a tangible proxy to watch how others handle feelings that may be too distressing to admit outright. 

I read that many Borderliners also didn't develop a sence for object permanence. This starts in early childhood, when babies learn that parents will come back to care for them even if they might not be visible right now. My boyfriend had a diagnosed BPD mother who also had depressions. Maybe she didn't manage to show him she's always available for him, when he was a child. Would be wonderful if he unlearned these fears now.

Ups, doubling.