BPDFamily.com

After being so good for almost 2 weeks, we are back to the same old crap.

Yesterday he got all upset with me for answering my phone while he came to meet me at the car (in my defense it was my mother and it was a good reason, she wanted to make sure I didn't need a ride home since it was -17f without the windshield yesterday and she was right next to where I get off the bus at the time I usually get off), I made sure to let him know it was a good reason to respond and all but it was too late. He was not listening.

I ignored his reaction, I didn't acknowledge his feelings, I just let him calmed down and it worked. After he was calmed down, he came to see me and we talked. He even apologized for getting upset with something that didn't warrant that reaction.

I was glad it wasn't a big blow up or "episode" that last for days... .  but it was a return to our reality for sure.

Hugs Forever.   

There are always going to be bumps in the road.  But can I suggest this is a very positive event? 

You handled it differently.  You recognized what was happening, engaged differently so as not to make things worse.  Didnt JADE.  Didnt own his emotions.   |iiii

Then he calmed down and got over it.

And THEN... .  he came back and apologized!  Wow!

All good stuff, and means you are headed in the right direction.  And ok, it was 'only' two weeks.  But its two good weeks between blowups this time... .  then stretch it to 4... .  then 3 months... .  then 6... .  you get the idea.  Its not realistic to think there wont ever be a blowup because well, life is full of emotional events.  But by each time getting longer and longer between, and by handling them differently when they happen, its all good stuff.

Classic disengaging and it worked. I bet your stress levels were a lot less too. Eventually issues like this will hardly register for you.

Its not always about stopping things, its about allowing them to wash without them affecting you.

It can get to the stage where others say "why do you put up with him saying/ doing that?", and your response is "huh, what did he say/do? Didn't notice"

I have to say that it was 2 weeks more than any other period of calm before... .  and yes, it was still positive since both of us backed up from the situation, gave each other the space and calm needed to regain stability before talking about it.

He did tell me this morning that he was happy I gave him the space to regain his composure and loved how I just asked if he felt like vegetables and rice for diner as if nothing happened.

I just laughed and said: "We had to eat at some point"

I do this a lot, often works better than a post mortem. Sometimes within a very short time of the issue. Would look totally like a comedy sketch to an outsider sometimes, like a pair of schitzophrenics.

I hate you, I hate you, I'm gonna leave you

... .  would you like rice with that

... yes please

... and a drink

... thank you

... were should we go for holidays

... somewhere nice and sunny

... .  with a beach

... .  you wont ever leave me will you?

... .  no dear

... we are so well suited aren't we?

:)

I feel for you.  I get too many doses of reality.  As much as I try to enjoy the good times, the bad times are so painful.

I have learned that giving them their space is very important to them.  They need to figure things out. 

I am working at trying to let his words wash over me.  There are days that it is so hard.  This thread is exactly what I needed to read tonight.