BPDFamily.com

Some may remember some of my prior posts. I have been dating this 'wonderful' gal.. that I thought was the woman of my dreams, as most of these types of relationships start out. She's what I believe an undiagnosed pwBPD.. We did the initial breakup at the 13th month mark, and then got back together a month and a half later. That last until the week before Christmas. We got together on Christmas eve, and made love (not just f*$ked). Sorry.

Anyway, few other things transpired during the following weeks - I'm referencing some information regarding other men etc. Needless to say.. there wasn't a whole lot of interaction that took place. She's got a pattern of once a week reaching out to see if I wanna 'play'. Been telling her on all prior attempts that I'm not just boy toy, and I don't want to keep having sleepovers with her kids etc. Told her that it messes with their brains (regardless of their ages).

She reached out this past Tuesday, and I was weak - it had been since Christmas since I have been with anyone, so I went for it. Again, same as the Christmas experience of love making. She cried.. blah blah. When I left it felt like a goodbye session (for me). On the way home, I get a text "I'm not interested in getting back together, but if you want me to attend one of your therapy sessions to try an understand what went wrong between us".. which if you read between the lines - I'm interested in fixing things. Several other text followed this one.

I sent screen shots of all of these to my therapist; who believes that she is BPD. This therapist was going to be our CC, but my person only came one time. So we ended up working together. At my last "1 on 1" session with her.. I walked out of there.. knowing that I couldn't continue this relationship. I got home and started to draft my feelings in an email. As I'm just starting out, I get a text from 'her', asking how therapy went, and that she wanted to go per her offer (the therapist didn't want her to attend via zoom). I told her that I was drafting an email, and or I could just call her if she was ok with that too.

She elected for the phone call.. in which I was very raw/real/emotional. I told her that I couldn't do this anymore. That her mixed messages were harming me mentally and emotionally. I believe that my tone was more serious than it's been in the past. During the duration of the conversation - she said that she would "go in person" to the next therapist meeting. This is what my therapist wanted.

Should I be hopeful here?

Hi Fish1974, welcome back -- thanks for updating us.


It's a good question.

I wonder if she can sense that you are more serious than ever about ending things, and in order not to lose the relationship, is agreeing to do things that she believes will keep the two of you together.

That's where it gets tricky.

Generally speaking, therapy is more effective when the individual is there to work on themselves -- vs there "to make someone else happy", or there "to avoid being alone", etc.

One way to rephrase your question might be:

"Should I be realistic here?"

Your relationship sounds like it's been on the ropes lately -- intensely intimate times, followed by "feels like goodbye" to you, followed by "I'm not interested in getting back together" from her, followed by the phone call from you where you share that you're done, followed by her finally agreeing to go to T.

This seems like a precarious time, so as you're wondering what her latest move might mean, maybe it'd be grounding to think about what is in your control and what isn't, and what it is you really want.

Having a clear picture of what you want for the relationship seems really important right now. Walk me through a little bit where you're at -- you just let her know on the phone that you can't do this any more. Am I tracking that that meant "I can't be in a relationship with you any more", or did it mean "I can't have our relationship keep going the way it was going?"

It might also be important to decide what you will and won't do, what are and what aren't dealbreakers, regardless of what she chooses. Kind of like -- instead of hitching your horse behind her wagon (of her decisions, like "OK I'll go to T in person"), and hoping that her horseless wagon can lead you to more stable ground, what if you "led with your horse" and kept the door open for her to "hitch her wagon to your horse" if she chose to do so? You could ponder deciding ahead of time "OK, what I definitely need for this relationship to be do-able for me is: we are together in person for couples counseling for at least 2 months with 1x/week appointments, and we save arguments/conflicts about topics XYZ for those sessions only". Or whatever list of "non negotiables" you have... regardless of what anyone else wants.

In other words, lead with what you decide is important for you, instead of reacting to her choices. Focus on what you can control (your thoughts, your priorities, your choices).

Like you said, right now, the way things are, you are feeling harmed mentally and emotionally. Something isn't working, and I'm wondering if both of you, in your own ways, are using "I'm done... I'm not interested in being together... I can't do this any more" as ways to try to stop the pain. Those may "work" short term, yet for longer term relational stability, it might be important for you to clarify to yourself what you need, and then move forward, with an open door for her to join you if she chooses.

Lots of thoughts there... really glad you're seeing a counselor for this. Write back whenever works for you;

kells76

Thanks Kells - all very good information/feedback.

Therapy has been extremely helpful for me personally. I think that I am done.. thus the question. I know that I woke up yesterday.. thinking that I should've just followed thru with it, and left it in the wind. I am a very empathetic person by nature... bordering on the Co-dependant scale (per T). I want to "fix" everything, especially for those whom I consider loved ones. Obviously, here i have hold feelings.

I do believe that I am done though. Admittedly, I have the smallest sliver of hope that this could help both of us, but we'll see.

Yeah, I think that's the core of my question -- if she's saying she's done, and you're saying you're done, what's the thought for what couples counseling would do? What would you hope to gain from going together? And is that realistic? That might be important to figure out.

I guess the reason I am saying that I am done.. is because everything that I've seen to come across on BPD.. is that therapy doesn't work. More or less preparing myself.

So I thought I'd see if it worked for anyone here. Thus my slightest amount of hope.

I have figured out that there must be two element present for a relationship to work with a borderline.

1.  They MUST be 'self aware' on some level that they have issues of their own that need to be addressed [most are in denial that they have their own issues, so this will not work as they will be in denial]; AND

2.  They should have a good enough moral compass to want to do something with their 'self-awareness'.  In other words, they need to actively seek out therapy in order to 'fix themselves'.  You cannot fix them, only they can fix themselves. 

From what I understand a variety of therapies work; however, the best one that is geared towards borderlines is DBT.

Also, with the 'fix themselves' requirement, also, be sure to 'fix yourself' too, at a bare minimum do self-care so you can keep your own sanity, and often people in our situation have their own issues, I am likely a codependent which only make the situation worse.  The more you know about yourself, the better off you will be - in this case knowledge is definitely power.

Take care.