BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

My undiagnosed husband with BPD has severe jealousy issues and has a constant belief that I am interested in other men and checking them out. I’m not. But it’s been a constant battle since we’ve been together and has built up a ton of anxiety for me any time stepping out of the house with him, or being around any men. When my husband is not with me, I am able to work on relaxing, but with him I have so much anxiety.

I know his jealousy actually has nothing to do with me and there’s probably nothing I can do to keep him happy. But I still struggle with severe anxiety around him.

I love my husband and he’s a wonderful person. His extremely traumatic childhood is what I believe gives him this jealousy, and probably insecurity in our relationship.

I’ve grown a lot in my responses toward him, as at the beginning I internalized everything and tried to fix it. Now I do so less, but still have this intense anxiety and I know to an extent I’m still trying to keep him satiated. I know his beliefs and behaviors have nothing to do with me, but I still try to keep the status quo. He refuses to even entertain the idea that I’m not interested in other men or checking them out, even after all the anxiety I’m going through in trying to honor him.

I’m looking for advice on combatting my own anxiety as well as how to help him feel secure. We did some therapy last year and it helped some, but we can’t do therapy right now. Any advice or encouragement is very welcome! TIA  :)

itisi,

*welcome*

I feel your emotional pain, I too have been accused of having all kinds of affairs over the years due to my spouse's anxieties.  My spouse seems to be better when they are on their medication intended for treating their depression and anxiety.

Perhaps, have his GP (and yours too if you think it would be helpful) to consider a separate and/or comorbid diagnosis of GAD - General Anxiety Disorder, and prescribe an appropriate anti-anxiety medication for each of you.  Ask for the low cost version of the drug to be prescribed, which are often just as effective as the newer name brands and cost a lot less.  Also shop different pharmacies and look for coupons too.

Generally speaking there is no specific medication for BPD; however, some of the symptoms can be treated with medications.

Since you indicated that you cannot do therapy right now, I suspect might be looking for something frugal.  If you want to do therapy, here is a low cost way you can get some therapy at a steeply discounted rate at https://openpathcollective.org/open-path-staff/


I sounds like you are very stressed out, I strongly encourage you to do self-care whatever that might look like for you.

Take care.

SD

i had a very jealous ex. loving a pathologically jealous person is hard.

we actually have a great workshop on the subject thats chock full of good tips, general and specific: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0

how has the jealousy played out in your relationship, practically? it sounds like its been a primary issue. can you give us some examples of the times hes been jealous, and how you dealt with it?

Here is a useful article on the topic:

Pathological Jealousy in Borderline Personality Disorder
"There is nothing you can do to show me you really love me."

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/from-freud-to-fluoxetine/202310/pathological-jealousy-in-borderline-personality-disorder

What did your therapist advise?

A person with an insecure attachment style is going to struggle with thoughts that the relationship is at risk... that something bad is going to happen.

I've tried two things in the past:

 |---> preemptive actions - such as mentioned how you don't respect that so and so is flirty (another women), be disapproving when there is a public figure or character in a movie in an affair - show him your values in this way. It is also helpful to let him know, from time to time how much you appreciate what the two of you have.

 |---> responsive reac tions - when he expresses concerns, stop and let him say what he feels. Tell him you want to really think about what he said and talk the next day. Bring it up the next day (when he is cooler, at baseline) and show understanding of his feelings and give him assurance.

And know you will always be dealing with this to some extent. :(

I assume you have done some or all of this. How does it work? What doiesn't work. What did the therapist suggest?

Thanks so much for your advice, yes I’m definitely stressed and need to do more self care

Hi, thanks so much. I will definitely look into this workshop and I’m sure it can help.

As for how it has played out, yes it is a primary issue. He has often gotten jealous or just gets angry after being around larger groups of people and will give silent treatment for a long time but once we talk about what’s going on with him, it comes out that he believes I was checking out other men. Of course this often leads to a big argument because to me that is a very serious accusation and also his treatment of me in the meantime is not something I’m ok with as a long term situation.

It’s a continuous cycle that’s pretty much always the same as described above, except that I have learned how to have a less codependent reaction, which has helped a lot. I hope that makes sense. Please let me know if not and what you think. Thank you!!

This is great; thank you so much!! I will definitely take some time to read.

Hi, thanks for your response. My therapist is the one who recommended I learn about BPD and try to not take it personally. That has been very helpful. But somehow I still seem to struggle with the anxiety and he still has the jealousy.

Yes - I have tried the preemptive actions you mentioned. Doesn’t seem to help that much, but I think I could try to do more.

As for the responsive, I also try, but he tends to hold in his emotions for a long time, “punishing” me with silent treatments, and then when I ask him what’s wrong, or any time this subject comes up, he goes from 0-100 instantly. So waiting doesn’t seem to help that much.

Hi itisi,

I just wanted to say I also have to deal with this insane jealousy at times and get accused of having affairs. I was still in a relationship with my ex when I met my wife online so it is actually a fact that I’m capable of having an emotional affair. She knows that it was because I wasn’t happy in my previous relationship, and now I’m not happy with her. Oh and unfortunately as my ex was a man then I now get accused of wanting to have an affair with both men and women. She’s so wrong though. I never want any more drama or another relationship actually.

Yes I feel this so much! All I want is a healthy relationship with him; if only he’d allow it.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. At least it’s good to know we’re not the only ones. I used to think so, and thought there was something wrong with me. Anyway, thank you for that reminder that I’m not alone.