BPDFamily.com

Is it a bad idea to start therapy and keep it hidden from my wife?

Anyone with experience of this?
Positives and negatives?

I'm glad bpdfamily is running again :)

I don't have any experience with this. However, I think when one starts therapy, they should do it feeling secure in their decision.

I am going to go on a leap here that you do not feel safe telling your wife about it. And no matter the reasons, the fact itself that you do not feel safe is significant.

And so, I think it is ok to not tell her if it helps YOU in your healing process.

You start therapy for yourself. You should feel safe going there and wanting to better yourself through therapy should never be used against you. If not telling her means that you get to enjoy the full benefit of therapy, then I think it is a good idea. It is ok to have a secret garden. This is not an affair. This is healing.

I would prefer to keep it a secret for many reasons but mostly because the reason for my desperation is her. So I should pretend that I'm only going to therapy because I want to stop treat her badly.

In her opinion therapy is a bit like not taking responsibility for oneself, hoping that someone else would fix your problems. I would prefer not to hear her opinion about any of this at all and that's why keeping it a secret feels better.

The hardest part is I understand that therapy is a commitment, which to me feels a bit like a long commitment to lies. Of course I could view it as something so simple as eating lunch at work. I don't feel I have to tell her that.

You can start therapy with privacy and see where it goes. You are entitled to a level of privacy to do your own work.

You definitely don't want your wife commenting on or "grilling you" on what goes on in your therapy sessions.

I did this several years ago.  I went for 5 or 6 sessions.  I found a T who was near my office so I could leave and come back quickly during the day.  The T was out of network, so I had to pay $200/visit, which lead me to eventually stop going.  I paid cash so there wouldn't be a charge on our monthly statement BPDxw could track.

It helped confirm that I was not doing anything wrong; my behavior was "normal," i.e. I was not doing anything that would justify the reactions and behaviors of my wife.  my (then) wife was not being reasonable, and I needed to lay down my boundaries for what I would and would not accept.  (an exercise in futility when dealing with a pwBPD).  T said something to me along the lines of "How did such a clear thinking, logical person like you get yourself involved in this mess?"

about a half year later, during a fight, BPDxw claimed I was crazy and needed therapy.  I told her I had gone, and I kept it hidden from her b/c I didn't trust her and couldn't talk to her about anything.

Initially she was surprised and said nothing.  Then she was angry and wanted to know who I saw, dates, everything I talked about, etc.  She brought it up a few more times, claiming I was dishonest and just looking for a way out.  

That's it!

I was committed to staying married for my daughter's sake, and on the hope that eventually the situation would become at least more tolerable over the years.

My gut reaction was telling me to get out.  But I didn't want to just bail on a commitment of marriage like that.  After people I confided in told me "no, that's unrealistic" and to just get out now... I wanted to at least double check that with professional help before I "took the plunge."

I looked at it this way: when I said "I do" I didn't have all the details... she didn't say, "By the way, I'm on the borderline spectrum.  here's a pamphlet explaining what that means, and how you can expect me to behave.  If you're still interested after reviewing and discussing this with professional counsel, please confirm."

what would your mission in therapy be?

To continue to learn to live with my own feelings. I started being more open to mental health professionals fall 2021 and I've seen three mental health professionals since my first visit fall 2020. I have never seen a therapist. I guess I don't want to slow down the progress?

For me this is not a problem because we do not have a joint account and she's not interested in finances. The bigger problem is I might get a letter in the mail in connection to the therapy. Most organization doesn't seem to suspect that you want to keep things secret from your partner :)

I think you need to explain that up front.  For me, paying out-of-pocket, it was easier, since there wasn't any bureaucratic health insurer to muck it up.  The T wrote me receipts and provided some reading materials for me, and I buried those in a binder I kept in my office at work.

T really helped me regain some perspective. 

I was under a lot of stress at work, and then I'd go home and get dumped on for not providing this or that, or not loving BPDxw "enough," etc. etc.  By dumped on, I mean, hit with a bunch of complaints and accusations.  IF I failed to navigate those the right way, because I was tired myself, or frustrated, or "rolled my eyes" or "looked arrogant when talking" it would result in me being screamed at and having to endure another week of hostility and silent treatment. 

I started to question my own judgment, because I felt like I was doing everything I could: working 50+ hour weeks to provide for my family, THEN going home, helping to make dinner, or clean up the kitchen if I got home later, and putting our daughter to bed.  Then I needed to spend another hour or so listening to BPDxw complain about how she felt "unloved" or "mistreated" because XYZ reasons, and she should be able to take our D and go live abroad or to see friends for a month to get away and I was cheap for not agreeing to pay for this... (always something like that). 

The T helped me gain some perspective on how to manage all this better. 

In the end, there was no managing it better... a pwBPD isn't capable of being happy.  Conflict was her method of communication, means to an end, and sometimes even an end in and of itself!  Whatever I gave her would never be enough.  Amazingly she openly admitted this in a later MC session, before screaming at the counselor for daring to criticize her position as unhelpful and unfair. 

So I left, and found a non-disordered partner to spend my life with.   :wee: 

(It's not all roses, but it's a hell of a lot better than spending weeks on end not speaking to my partner, or walking on pins and needles worrying about when she's going to explode.)

How about designating a work address or PO box for notices?