BPDFamily.com

I'm married to the most amazing woman in the world. She's fun, adventuresome, affectionate, loving. She brightens up any room, and people are drawn to he beaming smile. She really loves me. But there's another person that shows up sometimes. That person seems to want to destroy me. The other person is hurtful, and may insult my kids, or my parents, or me.  This other person can get me so upset, I may go an entire night without sleeping. The woman I love, is a devoted loving wife, but he other person seems to like affection from other men. Don't let her have a drink or two because her conversation with other men will become very sexual. I feel like my mood is driven back and forth depending on who shows up. I'm hoping I can get some advice to help me stay healthy in this situation, and maybe move things in a more healthy direction.

You're not alone.

BlueSky99, Welcome

Absolutely, you're not alone and you will find huge support here.

For starters, I recommend that you read and study the lessons (see right margin--->. 

I can relate very much to your post. My BPDgf also likes affection from other men (and women), she flirts and enjoys creating jealousy. I think it also confirms to her that I care. She tests and provokes me everyday... .her way to feel in control.

I see many guys blowing up her phone (she shows me), proposing her all kinds of sexual plans, even offering her money in exchange for some fun time. Other times she will flirt with other men in front of me and will say we're just friends so these men will play along.

It is uncomfortable, to say the least. If I don't react, she will push harder until some drama happens. If I react, she will see me as weak and not ready to deal with her.

The alternative is to learn to respond instead of reacting. You can do this once you know who you are, what are your core values, what is it that you look for in a relationship, what are your boundaries, etc.

Boundaries is one the key words. They are attached to your core values, to your essence. Learning to set up proper boundaries, communicating them in an appropriate manner and enforcing them is vital to maintaining a healthy relationship. 

Another key word is Validation. Please, read the lessons for more info on validation.

You may want to watch a video on validation by alan Fruzzetti here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206132.0

So far what keeps me moving forward in my relationship is to see that most of the time we spend together is absolutely great. I can feel the mutual love and connection. I also pay more attention to facts and not so much to her words. She might be speaking of other men, but guess with who she is sleeping every night. Me. Why? Because she knows I can see through her, because I'm not a push over, because she feels safe, because she knows I WILL walk away and never look back if she cheats, because as she told me recently "I'm a better person when you're near me". 

I also want to stress how important it is to become knowledgeable on how BPD affects your partner.

Be patient, take things slow, work on yourself and find your centeredness.

Keep posting, you will find great support from other members

mw

I'm sorry you're going through this but you've found a great place. I'm new here as well and I can really relate to what you've written.

While they seem simple, the tools SET and validation, as well as understanding the FOG and JADE have been very, very helpful for me thus far - not miracle cures but shockingly effective nonetheless.

It sounds as if drinking is a huge trigger for some of her more unpleasant behavior. I know for my BPD partner this is also true. Having boundaries around his drinking and social events as well as his drinking in general has decreased some of the drama. Maybe that's a good place to start - can you make an exit when she begins acting out?

I want to join the others in welcoming you to the forums! 

The lessons are a great place to start.

How long have the two of you been married?

You mentioned that she insults your kids. Do you have kids together or are these your kids from a previous relationship?

How often does she drink? Is the flirting/sexual thing something that happens a lot or on rare occasions?

Can you give a better description of the ugly person that shows up from time to time?

You can answer as much or as little as you want. I am throwing out some questions to help others get a better sense of your situation. This stuff can be so overwhelming and difficult to deal with because it is difficult to figure out where to even begin.