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Yeah I know, you might say "if you manage to properly detach, you won't care about revenge".

Yes, but... .

He's really tried to destroy my life, all aspects at the same time: money, house, kids, everything.

When I was struggling to survive he told me "I could let him take baby if it was too hard to handle."

Now, he's alone in a small appartment near the station in an ugly part of town, and I will not feel sorry for him.

He's having problems at work and I wish he gets fired, as this way he won't be able to pressure me with money anymore.

I survived. In urgency I found a nanny for my baby and luckily got myself a job, a good job starting after the hols. I negotiated with the landlord to stay in the house, and contacted a lawyer to show I could defend myself.

The only thing left to hurt me now would be to show off with a new g/f I guess.

There it's a little complicated maybe, because he tends to be shy with women (or so he says) and he's really tense at the moment and I'm not sure women would appreciate.

I'm really thinking of finding myself a bf and inviting him at my house... .as I know it would really drive BPD insane (I mean even more insane than he already is lol). Or having a friend or boyfriend in the car when I go to pick up baby, just to show him that someone IS enjoying all what he's rejected.

I know it's pointless but it would do me good.

Although deep inside, I pity him. Dumping the lovely home we had, a loving wife like me and fantastic kids (my D10 and our S1), as well as all our dreams and hopes, for a lousy appartment on his own - that's pathetic, really.

Any suggestions?  :)

Don't sink to his level!

But, I do know how good it feels to sometimes think about ways to hurt them or get revenge. The problem is that they don't think like normal people. There have been times when I have done things to deliberately hurt my husband. It didn't work. He found a way to twist it and turn it and I walked away feeling worse than I did before. There is no way to predict their reaction. If you have a child with this person and he is known for trying to destroy you, then don't give him any more ammunition. Showing up with another man could be twisted and turned into something ugly and he might try to use that against you in a custody case. No, you can't live in fear but at the same time, you need to work at protecting yourself and keeping things above board no matter how much you would like to hurt him back.

Anything you do to hurt him on purpose will just feed him. PwBPD seem to feed on emotion whether positive or negative.

The best revenge anyone can have is to move on and be happy. By not even thinking of them you will hurt them more than by any negative actions.

We are bigger than petty revenge even though weve all dreamt of it. By getting a bf to rub his nose in it will only feed his emotions especially if you split up. He will justify his behaviour as it must be you at fault as it didnt work out with your new bf.

Take your time. Rebuild your life. Enjoy your children and one day the right man will come along who you want yo be with for more than just rubbing your exs nose in it.

A famous philosopher wrote about revenge -

"That man be delivered from revenge, that is for me the bridge to the highest hope, and a rainbow after long storms."--Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Revenge is not necessary in these cases - with the disorder their life is chaotic and tragic anyway.  Look after yourself and concentrate on rebuilding your own life.  That is my advice.

I'm not really thinking of "finding" a man "just" to annoy him, but when I do, I don't intend to hide.

He can't use this in a custody case... .we were not married and (at least in my country), people are allowed to live their lives. He wouldn't be able to do anything about it. But I guess he would find a sexy woman to show off with, something like that. I've got to feel really strong and ready psychologically before hand.

Hi Indyan,

I completely agree with Vortex on this one. Having survived a very physically, emotionally and mentally abusive marriage, followed by a major smear campaign afterwards. There was nothing more I wanted than revenge. This person had torn my family apart and was one of the most evil people I had ever come across.

At the beginning I wanted revenge because life seemed to be going on just fine for her, including undeserved sympathy whilst I escaped with my life. Then I realised, what I managed to get out with was worth far more than anything. She could take that sympathy but deep down, inside her core she would be in conflict knowing she wasn't entitled to it. For 2 years she hounded me via email but I never gave in, the control she had over me was gone completely and she will have to live with that fact for the rest of her life.

Carry those scars and hurt you have with pride that you were able to get away from your situation too. While you get stronger, he will self destruct so in terms of revenge, I'm sure he will do all of that himself. It's ok to pity him, to see him no longer as the abuser. It is true though, the best way to hurt them back is to gain strength and have a positive and fulfilling  life of your own.

I thought of that today, precisely.

He always looks so miserable, angry and tense.

I'm a positive person, I (normally) enjoy life, kids, nature, friends, everything, when he doesn't.

I remember family gatherings (his family) were just a drag, and so was going out to places (that's his schizophrenic tendencies) and visiting friends. I've hardly ever seen him truly happy, a few times only.

When I talk of "finding a b/f" I really mean a good person of course, and feeling HAPPY at last, after months of misery.

This year should have been a sacred one, the year my son was born. Instead the first 6 months were marvelous, the other 6 months were hell... .very bipolar indeed.

I know you're right, and I think it's already the case.

He looks arrogant and miserable at the same time. He's lost everything, his job is far, tiring and he's in trouble there. He has ZERO friends (he's not from this region, and has no friends anyway). I know he can't take care of himself properly (cook, clean etc) and I guess his parents will do the 1h drive to help him but for how long.

Deep inside, he's bound to KNOW he's spoilt his chance at happiness, true happiness.

It was all given to him, at 39. He had no g/f, proper job, no kids.

I "gave" him all that. A family, kids, nice home. I even helped him find a nice job.

He blew it.

But not only he blew it, he told crazy lies about me, turned all his family against me (I wouldn't care if it wasn't my son's family too), denied all our r/s.

I strongly suspect he's bipolar as well as BPD, and that he will fall into another depression in the near future... .

but I'm not even sure he will "regret" his life with us then. He will just play victim even more and accuse me of being the reason to his sadness, once more... .

I know it's not what you want to hear when in this mindset but this advice above is utterly true, whether positive or negative the BPD ex will just feed off and enjoy the emotion/attention/drama... .Don't wrestle with the pigs, you won't win, it'll be dirty and the pig will enjoy it!

I can also tell you that NOTHING hurts them more than simply forgetting they existed and building a new happy life, not a faux one, a real one. My ex would writhe in pain over her rejection and NC from her exes, it burned her up like nothing else, they are thinking about past loves all the time and rejection is the #1 pain. I do agree that these people should not be allowed to prowl the streets looking for giving people with poor boundaries, but they are like zombies, destined to roam alone with a huge hole in their souls forever, all the pain they meet out on us is nothing compared to their pain. We need to guard against any more hurt and that includes revenge.

They are not good enough for us as unmed BpDs, you are worth more than this, just walk away and don't give them a second thought.

Thanks for this, it sounds pretty true.

I can't "just walk away" with a baby in between... .

you can mentally and emotionally walk away from the hurt and the games, have this go down on your terms and not engage with anything that hurts you. Not going to be easy as you will be provoked but it will be possible

That's also where I feel I need companionship to help with the struggle.

BPDx has all his family to support him in anything. And I really mean ANYTHING. Even his craziness, paranoia, evilness, violence. Very enabling indeed. And that fueled his feeling of power.

On my side, my parents live very far, and I only got support from my dad as my mum just stopped talking to me (I honestly think all this has stressed her beyond what she felt capable of handling... .anyway... .)

I have had to do so much ON MY OWN: lawyer, police, nursery, job hunting, benefits (to explain that paranoid ex was trying to destroy me), psychologist for my daughter and myself... .all the while dealing with crazy BPD visits, harassment and accusations.

I've done loads and I'm emotionally exhausted. I need support (other that friends I mean), a shoulder to cry on.

Also, I feel that finding a bf will help me move on.

And it will pss him off lol (I had to go back to the subject of this topic  :))

Hugs to you! you sound like a real survivor!

I would have to agree with the posts here that recommend abstaining from revenge.

As an experienced revengencer who got mad revenge on my exbdggf after a breakup it wasn't worth it. Even though some of the revenge seemed satisfying at the time and was quite clever I regret the hurt I caused her hapless bf at the time, her and her family (by accident).  Not to mention some of her family thought I was completely crazy and I never regained the respect and trust from them.

One thing that I don't regret was calling her a parasite because it has stuck with her and she never got over it.

But the revenge I took at the time had blowback and my great anger turned to extreme sadness. Don't do it. Not worth it. 

It sounds like he is taking revenge on himself anyways.

Well it was around sep 2012. Unfortunately I have been on this forum (bouncing between the undecided and detachment boards) since before then.  If you search my posts I think I listed all the details.   I don't remember all of it but she and her temp bf made the mistake of calling me on the phone and texting me apparently to laugh at me and just aggravate me in general.

I responded with some texts telling the temp bf exactly what was happening to him and what would happen which had an immediate affect on their r/s. 

Later on in Dec when all these things happened as I said they would I felt pretty sad for the poor guy. On the night she contacted me to start a recycle I met with her and at that very time her temp bf was knocking on her door... .I guess he had a date scheduled.  Then she showed me the texts and he was so disappointed.

He is a smarter guy than me and don't think he will put up with her if she tries to use him as a backup this time.

Ok, you didn't do anything really bad. I mean, you warned him, that's rather nice actually. I wish someone had warned me. Did you mention BPD?

Oh sure I mentioned BPD. Then he got snarky and so did I. I told him he was being controlled like an xbox controller and gave him the lowdown on idealization in an obnoxious way.

Yes i warned him but it was meant to make mischief and not help him.  Maybe it helped him later because he knows I was right.

Why did you say it had blowback?

I completely agree with this advice.  I too am struggling with wanting revenge.  So far I have managed to resist, although I could cause trouble for him if I wanted to.

As far as I am aware, he would be thinking that I am moving on with my life and no doubt has heard things are going well for me and I am happy.  I also have a couple of men flirting with me on facebook and I am sure he will have got to hear about this even though he is blocked from my page (we share too many friends). 

Strangely enough, he was quiet until recently when he must have heard about me having received an offer on my house and planning a move.  He did something very vindictive that could have stopped the sale and cost me a lot of money.  Fortunately, he failed in his attempt.

Why has he acted now, after 12 months of NC?  I think it is because he knows that I am finally done with him and moving on to a better, happier life.  Several people have said that it is as though he is clinging on and trying to remind me that he is still there.  Also, he knows that while I live in this house I will never forget him.  In a new place, I will be creating new memories that he will not be a part of.  I think he still wants a hold over me and knows he is losing that hold.

So my advice to you is just wait a while before doing anything to get revenge.  The desire does lessen eventually.  See what happens.  Things have a funny way of working out.  Maybe he will et what he deserves without any input from you.

Totally. Someone here told me a few months ago "bad involvement is better than no involvement at all".

Strange as what you describe would perfectly fit my BPDx's behaviour. On the 12/10 I left a friendly audio message to tell him I was hoping to pay for the rent all by myself in November and asking him to agree to see a mediator. He didn't answer and instead sent a letter to the benefits (I have proof it was sent on the 14/10) to tell them that he was still paying for the house etc... .He got what he wanted since they stopped all payments and I ended up depending on him more.


When I mean "revenge" I don't mean something as low as he did. I wouldn't call his boss for example.

However, seeing the kids and me sharing our lives with another man would be a shock I guess.

That's all he would deserve, and he expects it in his fatalistic vision of things.

Yes... you are hurting... its difficult... and yes... it feels like to give  the same feeling he gave you to make him understand how hurt you feel.  BUT... .taking revenge is BAD idea... .because thoughts of revenge are like fire... .whoever keeps this fire in her heart... .burn themselves first. LET GO ! think it was a bad dream which passed.

Indyan, hindsight is the most wonderful thing. But to be perfectly honest, once we have been through the experience, its so easy to see though had someone told you at the very beginning, would you have listened to them or thought it was just a resentful ex?

I know I was warned right at the very start of my r/s with BPDgf and she was so convincing about her abusive ex. I had to believe her because the person who wouldn't stop calling at all hours of the night, was both verbally abusive and threatening. He had every right to be angry, it had only been 2 weeks but I didn't know that at the time.

For all his yelling and ranting, he was telling the truth in some respects but I saw him as the crazy ex. All the flags were there, its us that either don't see them or chose to ignore them and that's how we get so involved. Part of the healing process is to learn to identify those flags so when you are healthy in yourself and want a meaningful and healthy relationship, you don't walk into the same problems again. Alarm bells will sound off long before you find yourself trapped.

Its interesting you say you are highly empathetic. Could that be what drew you in to your r/s? I know it did with mine, I skipped past all the red flags because I saw someone vulnerable, fragile and in pain and had the urge within me to jump in and save them. Been doing that for the entire year now to the point I'm back in Therapy to explore why I avoid red flags to "save" people.

My r/s is on and off on literally an hourly basis right now. Yet tonight when she was in trouble, I discarded my own boundaries to jump in and save her yet again.

I'm sorry for what you and your family have been through. Hopefully when you find another man, thoughts of your ex are distant. You and your family have suffered enough.

Me too. He described his ex as a nutter and I believed him. He told me that she was NPD and I even offered him a book on "how to detach from NPD people"  :) Now he tells me that I'm NPD too... .


Not in the beginning but later on I felt sorry for him. He seemed to be suffering so much and depended on me for so many things, I felt as if I had another child to look after. I'm very motherly and I think he loved that, just the way he loved that from his ex, before rejecting her.

Oh yes, we suffered enough, that's for sure.

Of course, deep inside, there's still the shadow of hope that he will come to his senses, apologize, accept to seek treatment... .

I'm aware that wishing for him to "feel" our pain (my D10 and mine, not sure what baby felt) is hoping to see someone human again in him. I must let go of hope, but that's hard, really hard. Because that's admitting that I loved, lived and had a baby with a monster.   :'(

I can hear the pain you're in through the words you're expressing, Indyan.  Please don't take this as me telling you what to do or how to feel... .  It's just a little food for thought that might bring a little teeny bit of relief...

Is he really a "monster", or an irresponsible, confused and conflicted human being?

We can add to our own discomfort when harboring intense emotions about those that we care(d) about.  We can get really teed off at those who do not live up to our expectations.  Taking somebody at their word is not the same as taking our time while getting to know someone and drawing our own conclusions that they are who they say they are.

Your guy is not who you thought he was 

Indyan I agree with phoebe. Our exs arent monsters. They have a problem and cope with it in unhealthy ways. A monster does things on purpose for their own pleasure. A pwBPD  does it to survive. They dont always even realise how hurtful their actions are to others.

Its hard not to take things personally. This is something I am slowly dealing with myself.

What makes me angry today is not only that he wasn't who he claimed to be, is what he did to destroy me financially and morally.

I can't even see how he justifies his actions. Ok, he's paranoid, so if he hadn't written to the benefits and to the landlord, they would go after him... .yeah right.

Sometimes I wonder if his paranoia is not just an excuse for all his evil behaviour.

He probably thought that by financially ruining you it would make you run back to him. They dont think things through. They act in desperation.

His survival has no logic to anyone but him. You also have to take into account the child like nature of the condition. His behaviour is that of a playground where someone hurts them so they lash out. You may not have done anything but if they think you have then feelings equal fact.

When I told him he had put me in the sht, he became really nasty and said "say please and thank you and I will be more than happy to help". I told him I didn't want any "help" from him, and would rather get a loan than get a penny from him.

Tell them they have BPD. Other option is when you see them, to smile and laugh at them. This will make them crazy.

Oh, I have told him about PBD numerous times when we were together. Now, I'm not talking about this anymore, since he and all his family told me "I was harrassing him with his mental problems."

Strangely, I stopped mentionning BPD/Bipolar 3 months ago... .but they didn't!

He told me a couple of week ago that "he asked his T if he was NPD"... .I didn't answer to that... .

I think he'd want me to care for his moods and mental health, that would fuel his feeling of persecution.

You're right, I don't think he likes if I smile and laugh.

The thing is I AM a smiley person, and he isn't.

I ENJOY life, he doesn't.

This he won't change it.