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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: Changed4safety on February 04, 2013, 10:07:37 AM



Title: Did something stupid...
Post by: Changed4safety on February 04, 2013, 10:07:37 AM
For some reason, I googled the username my ex uses online.  I knew it would torture me... .  why did I do it?

I had a bit of relief when (as I expected) the old porn sites he was a member of came up he had not been active on them for a couple of years.  He'd not hit usual things, but things for stories, or erotic art, and look for people to do "erotic role play" with. 

It just brought back horrible memories of the sick discoveries I would make over and over again.  I do believe he's changed--for one thing, oddly enough, the fact that he's dating again means he's not skulking around hiding behind his alias online. 

I wish I had met him in this stage of his progress.  This last year, he tried so hard and made a lot of improvement.  But I can't unring the bell of all the things he did to me.  And I can't get back trust that has been trampled over so many times. 

I wish I could.  I miss the good.  I miss what I was starting to see in him, but realized I couldn't accept.  If he had started to change even two years ago... .  


Title: Re: Did something stupid...
Post by: seeking balance on February 04, 2013, 12:15:42 PM
For some reason, I googled the username my ex uses online.  I knew it would torture me... .  why did I do it?

I had a bit of relief  

You answered your own question - you wanted relief and you got it - is it the relief you were looking for?


Title: Re: Did something stupid...
Post by: hithere on February 04, 2013, 12:36:45 PM
Excerpt
I do believe he's changed

Maybe he just changed his online alias.

Plus you have no idea what goes no behind closed doors.

If he has BPD I doubt he has changed much.


Title: Re: Did something stupid...
Post by: Changed4safety on February 04, 2013, 12:49:32 PM
I honestly didn't know what to expect, I had no idea erotica sites popped up for a Google, so I can't say I was looking for relief.  Maybe "surprised" is more accurate. 

Hithere, he has never changed his online alias.  It's one thing you'd think he'd do if he wanted to stay secret, but there's some ego thing wrapped up in it that I don't understand.  And it doesn't matter anyway. 

What sucked was simply seeing it out there, it didn't really matter if it was active or not, and the pictures he posted on his Photobucket or whatever online photo thing.  All old ones, again.  Recently a lot of old memories, bad ones, have been coming up, things I thought I had dealt with already.  The hateful things he would say or do, all the memories of how badly the cheating gutted me.

Perhaps they're coming up to keep reminding me that even though things were better int he last year, there's no guarantee that the changes will stick.  And that how he used to treat me was abysmal, inexcusable and undeserved.